Should I hit 'send'?

[Journeyintomelody]

YABU - dont do it!!!
YANBU - do it

Context: I have a 10 month old DD. Father was abusive . I received support to leave when I was pregnant. He has not acknowledged birth and has not paid any child maintenance. His salary is £55,000 pa. He has approx £900,000 in assets (private pension, savings, and house). He has two children now at university who don't live with him. He has a financial advisor and is has legal connections (best buddies with a very good solicitor)
I am paying myself £500 a month to get through maternity leave excluding housing but including everything else (eg. Food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning supplies, everything for DD)

Message:
"It's been 10 months and child maintenance arrangements have yet to be agreed. Based on your salary and circumstances CMS estimates are:
£118.93 a week or £514.97 a month.

I suggest that an acceptable arrangement would be for you to set up a standing order for £500 per month into my account titled child maintenance.

If you do not pay an acceptable amount of child maintenance voluntarily, which is a legal requirement, I will contact CMS at the end of the month, who will take into account all taxable income and take the money directly from your salary. (Note this option comes with an additional 20% charge each month). "

To not drip feed: please don't say go straight to CMS. I have decided not to do this for several reasons which I won't go into now. My question is does this message sound ok? How should I initiate the discussion. We have had no contact for a year. He was told not to contact me by employer whilst he was under investigation for sexual misconduct. I believe this process has now concluded.

Thank you. I'm stressing out here!

Given your situation, manage without this persons financial support and do not ever make contact with him.

Fighting him through the courts to deny any access he might demand will cost you a fortune.

Stay far away.

As a single parent I brought up two DC’s alone without hardly any financial support from their DF. Fought the CMS long and hard for very little too.
The amount of money ‘awarded’ wouldn't be worth the stress of contact/fighting contact, in your circumstance.

Better hanging over you than already happening surely.
And I don't think you can rely on him not getting access because of what you know about him. Without criminal convictions I don't think that would prevent access would it?
But presumably the longer he goes without forming a relationship, the less likely they are to let him, if he has known that she existed and never made any effort to contact or support her then presumably if he DOES rock up in 10/15 years (which tbh is more likely to me, perfect age to use her to access more young girls) he will have a much harder getting a court to give him access?

I'm truly sorry for your circumstances, and I guess there is some desire to make him pay, in some small way, for what he has done.
But I think this would be a huge mistake and you would regret it. Keep as far and far away from him as humanly possible. Protect your daughter .

I think there are three key components if you separate it from your own trauma and emotions (which are valid and need honouring and looking after).

1. Your financial situation. CAB are a good starting point. Don’t underestimate what you can achieve on your own.
2. protecting yourself and your daughter from his future contact/influence/harm/abuse. I wonder if Social Services could advise if you already have a contact? Others will have more understanding of this than me.
3. The very real and understandable feeling of injustice. He SHOULD be held accountable, he SHOULD contribute financially. He SHOULD be a better human being. But you are dealing with someone who isn’t a normal human being and is not going to change. I think radical acceptance of this is your best bet.

If you get to a point where he can’t access you and your daughter and it feels safe to do so, then claim CMS is my advice. But I think I’d get and stay as far away as possible to be honest and leave him no way of contacting you without significant time and effort.

You are risking your daughter's safety. Family courts will give unsupervised access to fathers who rape.
Focus on making more money yourself, move out of the area, disappear, change your number.
You've been through a lot but you're not thinking straight and very short term. If I were your adult daughter I would not forgive you.

Because we have a shitty justice system?

RTFT or at least just the OPs. There is further information that is likely to change your advice I think.

I'd go with this also. Yes it's hard financially but yu and your child will be safer. Good luck I know it's scary and wishing you all the best.

To not drip feed: please don't say go straight to CMS. I have decided not to do this for several reasons which I won't go into now.

So your bluffing and its obvious you are because the correct thing to do is go through CMS. The message is proof you AREN'T going to do the correct thing, how on earth would it help you.

You are giving an ultimatum with no end game, he will laugh at you.

I would 100% go to CMS and not send that text.

1. You have no power to make any threat because you know he won't pay voluntarily; you expect him to resign to dodge it.

1. CMS depersonalises it and makes it transactional. There's a far better chance he will get the letter, weigh up the hassle, and decide to just pay. He might even come to you with an informal offer that you're happy with.

If you try informally through texts he will probably enjoy the idea of having and winning a row with you and will counter you with threats back with requests for contact.

Have you read all of the OPs posts?

He doesn't want to see the kid.

He knows how to play you.

He will tell you he's going for custody etc etc so you don't use the proper channels for getting CMS off him.

He won't go for custody. He just knows you'll do what he says if he throws that empty threat about.

Wise up. Go to CMS.

My eldest daughters father doesn’t have contact with her and I had similar concerns about him.
I went through CMS although the money we get is a lot less it’s almost not worth it however I see it that I’d rather my daughter have extra sports clubs, something in savings account, a meal out each month than him have the extra money and he will have parental rights either way.
Going through CMS in my case made him less interested in seeing my daughter and he regularly asks if she can be adopted by my partner and therefore removing parental rights.
if he doesn’t want to be involved he won’t either way, and if he does he will so if the money will make a difference I would claim it through CMS where you will be more able to rely on it coming each month x

Just contact CMS

Fucking bastard. Why shouldn't he contribute towards the life he created.
And I find it highly unlikely that he's going to want access all of a sudden, but that certainly is a risk to consider.
Sorry you are in this position, OP. I'm wondering if it would be worth seeing a family lawyer for advice before you do anything.
Best of luck

But the risk still stands if I go through CMS or not. ?

Hi @Journeyintomelody I just wanted to jump on here and send you strength and support. You’re not alone xx
i am a single mum and totally brought my daughter up alone with no financial support from anyone. It is possible and liberating and exhausting! But doable especially once they’re in preschool onwards.
There is some great advice on this thread. Citizens Advice and Gingerbread could be useful to get further advice from before you decide whether to contact.. I have a lot of single mum friends and some of those have contact with ex DPs who are not decent men. The ongoing relationships have worn them down over the years. It also feels like once they pay something they have more of a say in everything. Also finance can be unreliable and used as a form of control and once the child is old enough to understand the child has been upset by their father’s behaviour in some cases. (Please note this isn’t in every case - some exes I know have been great and paid from day one and been supportive - but where the man was unreasonable to begin with it’s never really changed throughout their child’s life).
Lawyers also cost money. A lot of your energy and time could be spent trying to get £500 from him per month through court whilst trying to ensure no contact and him giving up all rights to DD.
Maybe you would be better off exploring all avenues where you can increase your money through existing benefits? OR by working as hard as you can in a way that makes you also feel fulfilled (this was the route I took) and not be beholden to an awful person.
Wishing you lots of luck in your decisions.

But I do agree with the others that keeping it all above board (CMS) is for the best.

This !!

What by £14 odd quid

I'm so sorry OP, just read your update x

Not exactly. Because I would also ask CMS to consider all the taxable income (not salary) which would increase it.

I would do this also but maybe easier for me to say having got through the other side of raising DD now middle twenties with not a penny of child support. She has also never seen him since she was 1, I felt if I went for any money from him it would open a can of access worms and he was abusive to me and left me with life changing injury so I just couldn't face it.
It wasn't easy but it was doable and she didn't go without (I did but that was my choice).

At the end of the day though only you know what you can manage with and have to make the right decision. I didn't think you should threaten with anything you won't go through with.

All the very best

This.

What makes you think direct contact with an abusive ex is a good idea. Don't do it.

Take off the rose coloured glasses where he just sees the reasonable offer and accepts it, starts paying and life is all rosy. IT WONT HAPPEN.

Yes of course but by going to CMS you risk poking the bear, so to speak.

This is why you should go through the CMS , I thought if not married dads cannot out name on birth certificate without mums permission, are you saying if he pays through CMS and forces a paternity test then you must ‘by law’ put his name on certificate ?

go through CMS let them deal with and accept you may never have a financial contribution x wishing you both well x