Should I hit 'send'?

[Journeyintomelody]

YABU - dont do it!!!
YANBU - do it

Context: I have a 10 month old DD. Father was abusive . I received support to leave when I was pregnant. He has not acknowledged birth and has not paid any child maintenance. His salary is £55,000 pa. He has approx £900,000 in assets (private pension, savings, and house). He has two children now at university who don't live with him. He has a financial advisor and is has legal connections (best buddies with a very good solicitor)
I am paying myself £500 a month to get through maternity leave excluding housing but including everything else (eg. Food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning supplies, everything for DD)

Message:
"It's been 10 months and child maintenance arrangements have yet to be agreed. Based on your salary and circumstances CMS estimates are:
£118.93 a week or £514.97 a month.

I suggest that an acceptable arrangement would be for you to set up a standing order for £500 per month into my account titled child maintenance.

If you do not pay an acceptable amount of child maintenance voluntarily, which is a legal requirement, I will contact CMS at the end of the month, who will take into account all taxable income and take the money directly from your salary. (Note this option comes with an additional 20% charge each month). "

To not drip feed: please don't say go straight to CMS. I have decided not to do this for several reasons which I won't go into now. My question is does this message sound ok? How should I initiate the discussion. We have had no contact for a year. He was told not to contact me by employer whilst he was under investigation for sexual misconduct. I believe this process has now concluded.

Thank you. I'm stressing out here!

He could do that but it's likely he won't
If you send that text or go after him for money you make that outcome much more likely
Although it is a legal obligation to pay maintenance even with no contact men do not see it that way at all (nor do most of the general public in fact)
He probably does not really want contact but if you poke him and make him angry he will at the very least threaten to apply for contact to upset you. That is what abusive men do and is a completely predictable outcome.
It's always possible that he pops up at some point but things you do can make it more or less likely and if you are far away lying low and not contacting him he will probably forget about you both which is very much for the best.

OP I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like a real risk that this terrible man could use your daughter to hurt you, including by trying to get access or even joint custody of her in order to avoid paying, or to hurt you further. It’s worth thinking long long term and weighing up all the potential threads that could unravel. Does he have any other children? Again, so sorry this is on your shoulders and wishing you strength. I hope you have loved ones IRL who can also advise you.

You make it MUCH more likely he will seek to go on the BC/ visitation rights if you send that email.

I would keep running and not look back.

Is this your only child? How far away do you live from the dad? If you live far enough away it's very unlikely he'd get contact. You can always fight for him to have supervised contact too. But then again that would cost money to fight. While she's still little courts wouldn't force overnights which is all that affects cms.

Have you checked your claiming everything you can?

I would change it a little-

"Child is now 10 months old and I would like child maintenance to be paid please. Based on your salary and circumstances CMS estimates are:
£118.93 a week or £514.97 a month.

I suggest that an acceptable arrangement would be for you to set up a single payment of £3500 (or you decide if you want the £5100 owed) and then a standing order for £500 per month into my account titled child maintenance.

As I am sure you are aware, paying maintenance is a legal requirement, and I would rather we had an arrangement like this between us which would go up slightly every year in line with inflation and reflect your salary. However I will contact CMS at the end of the month if you prefer not to do this, but feel you should be aware that they will take into account all taxable income, take money directly from your salary if appropriate and thus service comes with an additional 20% charge each month. So I think it would be mutually beneficial for us moving forward to do this ourselves.”

This version to me seems a little clearer but also a little more amicable…

I take it you didn’t report the rape?

If he is convicted of rape he loses all parental right La but still has to pay child maintenance.

Yes send something to him.

He can only say no/refuse to reply. He could also refuse to accept paternity.

Personally I think you should absolutely pursue him and he should be paying something to support your (plural) child. He is in a financial situation where £500 is not much and will not affect him. And he knows what being a father means, as has children already. He knows what it takes. And he is abusing you and your child further by not contributing.

I suppose the worst case though is that he will have the heads-up and arrange his affairs so that you get little to nothing from the CMS.

However, there being no name on the birth certificate is an issue. If he is forced to have a DNA test and be recognised, then yes, he could absolutely demand access. Although it sounds unlikely that he would.

It's a tricky one and I see why you'd rather appeal to him directly.

I might have modified the message by removing the 'threat' of CMS. You don't need to tell him your plans. It's up to him to find that out. And if he is that sorted and wealthy, he'll be on the ball probably with this.

I'd probably change it to something like:

It is a legal requirement for an acceptable amount of child maintenance to be paid, preferably voluntarily. If it has to be enforced then an additional 20% is charged by the authorities, so I thought it best to approach you first and hopefully we can come to a reasonable arrangement.

The worst case (excusing what you've already been through of course) is that you contact CMS, he quits his job and has to pay you nothing at all but decides he wants contact and to be on the birth certificate anyway. You're dragged through the court system, speaking to social workers, CAFCASS, having to go through your experience over and over again for the judge to decide "yes he's a danger to you but not to your daughter because he doesn't abuse children." He ends up with court ordered contact and is in your life in some way forever. Needing his permission to take your daughter on holiday if you're stopped at the airport, changing schools, moving areas etc.

PLEASE don't underestimate the fact he might get contact with your child if he pursued this, especially as I'm assuming he hasn't got any convictions or prison time for what he did to you.

I wouldn't be giving him a nudge at all. I know it's hard and expensive but I agree with a pp, move house, change your number, I'd even go as far as changing my surname to be honest.

Don’t send an informal message- any contact with this man has to go through official channels.

It sounds like you need more specialised advice before proceeding.

Was the rape reported or any charge made?

It sounds like he is aware of the birth of your child. He could apply for PR anyway, irrespective of whether you ask for money. I would suggest that you seek legal advice about whether you can ensure that any contact is supervised before doing anything else.

My wanker of an ex had a DNA test, but he's not on the birth certificate.

No way should you open up a method of direct contact between you. You had to escape this man.

You shouldn't give him this access to you.

Go through CMS if you need the money.

If he goes after contact with your child, let him obtain it legally and manage it through 3rd parties. There are apps to help co-parent that would help you stay removed.

He's just as likely to be galvanised into seeking access by your email as he is by the CMS. So do it the official way where you are not directly in contact.

Very sorry that happened to you. 😔Ds2 is the same age as your little one and his ‘dad’ is awful. In our case he did reappear for a few months when he was a newborn but disappeared off the face of the earth again. He’s a high earner but never paid a penny in child maintenance.
I’ve decided to not go through CMS as I don’t want to deal with the stress of him reappearing. He already told me he would make my life a misery if I ever applied and I fully believe he would try to.
It’s shit but if I was you I wouldn’t cut your losses and not contact him at all. He’ll get his karma one day.

If you have a child, you're legally and morally obliged to pay for its upkeep. That's the case whether or not you have contact, which is a completely separate issue. Do you think the maintenance payments are some kind of reward for the father getting what he wants? FFS.

The only way of making sure he doesn't demand access or to go on the birth certificate is not to contact him.

No advice to offer but sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are savvy, intelligent and resourceful. All power and love to you 💐

What do you mean you're paying yourself £500 a month? From what?

Why aren't you on UC?

@Acc0untant 100% what this user said. After 10 months he is unlikely to try and have contact unless something happens. Family court is not a fair process, they are heavily in favour of the father's, unless their is plentiful evidence the child, not the mother, is at risk of serious harm.
I would do everything possible to scrape by without contacting him or CMS.

CMS will only take the 20% cut if he repeatedly fails to pay the agreed amount, so I wouldn't put that in. I'm generally in support of promoting access for fathers but if you feel he's a danger to her, then don't let her go even if he does seek access. There's very little the courts do when one parent doesn't allow access, even in situations where the other one isn't dangerous. Unfortunately, they are equally laidback about forcing parents to pay maintenance.

Just go the legal route via CMS

You're right. I think you should put an application in via CMS. If you start receiving payments and he decides to fight for access, you can use the money you've received for legal support. If you don't apply and he decides to fight for access anyway, you have less resources with which to fight back. Best of luck.

Right then in all honesty I think you'll have to accept he isn't going to help you financially.

I don't think you want to send that email. You do NOT want contact with this man outside formal or legal channels.

Either you go through CMS or you don't. They don't have to do collect and pay initially.

But in your situation in all honesty I wouldn't go after the money.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. In an ideal world I would advise you to move as far away from him as possible & hope he can’t find you. Ever.

If you really need the money, what about a fairly neutral email saying ‘We need to sort out child support. Do you want to set up a direct debit or would you prefer to do it through CMS?’

You might not get as much as you would thro CMS, but hopefully less chance of him packing in his job & you getting nothing.

As OP pointed out, this doesn't guarantee he won't decide to seek access. He could decide to at any point for any multitude of reasons.

Why isn't he in prison

Not going to apologise, I’m allowed my opinion. You’re a fool if you don’t go to the CMS TODAY. You should have done it the instant he didn’t pay so you’ve missed out on loads of cash.

He hasn’t paid for over a year, why do you think a polite feeble text message is going to get you any money?