Should I hit 'send'?

[Journeyintomelody]

YABU - dont do it!!!
YANBU - do it

Context: I have a 10 month old DD. Father was abusive . I received support to leave when I was pregnant. He has not acknowledged birth and has not paid any child maintenance. His salary is £55,000 pa. He has approx £900,000 in assets (private pension, savings, and house). He has two children now at university who don't live with him. He has a financial advisor and is has legal connections (best buddies with a very good solicitor)
I am paying myself £500 a month to get through maternity leave excluding housing but including everything else (eg. Food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning supplies, everything for DD)

Message:
"It's been 10 months and child maintenance arrangements have yet to be agreed. Based on your salary and circumstances CMS estimates are:
£118.93 a week or £514.97 a month.

I suggest that an acceptable arrangement would be for you to set up a standing order for £500 per month into my account titled child maintenance.

If you do not pay an acceptable amount of child maintenance voluntarily, which is a legal requirement, I will contact CMS at the end of the month, who will take into account all taxable income and take the money directly from your salary. (Note this option comes with an additional 20% charge each month). "

To not drip feed: please don't say go straight to CMS. I have decided not to do this for several reasons which I won't go into now. My question is does this message sound ok? How should I initiate the discussion. We have had no contact for a year. He was told not to contact me by employer whilst he was under investigation for sexual misconduct. I believe this process has now concluded.

Thank you. I'm stressing out here!

Awful post and now look at the OPs response. I hope you feel suitably ashamed. I’ve reported your post.

What on earth was the point of your post? What's the matter with you?

Advice from someone who got pregnant as a teenager from a man like that: forget about the money, stay WELL away from him, cut off all contact, never let him anywhere near your child. No money, absolutely no money, is worth it. I’m really sorry OP.

These types are spiteful enough that he’d want contact and to be involved just to upset you. Run run run run run.

Surely he won't be able to spend time with your child if he abused underage girls? If there's a chance he'll be able to then I wouldn't risk it for £500 a month especially as he's old and won't be working once he retires.

Maybe move away and change yours and your child's names. He could find you and that's terrifying.

I'm wondering if the issues need separating out - the key thing here is not really the father and maintenance per se, but that the OP is struggling to get by on her income. The father is a potential route to regular income, but that comes with lots of risk - perhaps there's another way?

OP, have you had a recent benefits check up to ensure you're getting everything you're entitled to?

Of course you are due child maintenance, but it's a risk vs. benefits thing. If you need more income there are other ways to compromise or make changes other than trying to transact with your abuser.

I was too.
It didn’t make me foolish, though, it made me angry.
And 30 years later I wore a red dress to my rapist’s funeral.
This dude will do anything to cheat you and your child out of what he owes you.
No on the letter.
Yes on the solicitor.
Bastard.
❤️

Completely understandable. The main benefit, all things considered, is if you keep it above board - any problems that arise - it’s all documented and with the authorities.

Sorry that another poster was so cruel. It’s clear to see your DC is your priority here, and your focus is doing right by them 🤍 You can only make informed choices in the moment. Hindsight will always be a wonderful thing x

I’m so sorry OP and sorry you felt pushed to disclose that. I’ve reported that awful post.

I think, given this, I think you should get some specialist advice. I feel strongly that you shouldn’t contact him directly and should keep your distance as much as possible.

Sending you love and strength 💐

@Babyybabyyy OP said barely legal, which is probably how he’s swerving prison.

I agree!

Wow. Empathy fail number two. Just leave it. Find another thread to post on. You are being awful.

@YourGladSquid 18 year old girls at university

@Kianai options? What the hell do you mean? please stop commenting on this thread.

Thank you everyone for allt he responses. I am reading and considering each one carefully

Straight to CMS, sorry for what happended to you but a man who does that to you is not going to give you 500 quad a month without being legally forced too.

Can't you look at benefits? If you take any money from him you are inviting him to seek contact and may have to hand your daughter over to him. Consider this carefully and look at other options.

If you don’t want him near your daughter then do not ask him for child maintenance.

Get as far away from him as possible and stay there.

100% this.

Ok. So I am not going to send the message. But still have a huge decision. CMS or no CMS? For 10 months I've gone with run run run. But it's so hard financially. I feel really stuck.

What a disgusting response to someone who has suffered sexual violence. You should be ashamed and you should get off the thread.

I’m so sorry to read about yiur situation with this awful man.

personally I would not make contact yourself and would leave it to the professionals.

given his history, if he were to try and establish contact with your child you would have a good case to stop it.

contact CMS and get the money you deserve.

good luck.

edited to add:
i say the above with the assumption that he has been reported to the police previously and that there is a paper trail of evidence of what he’s done.

I guess the main issue here is that he hasn't been through the courts and found guilty? I think that's what OP has said? So, I assume he would be able to spend time with his daughter if he wished. But I agree, I definitely wouldn't want anything from this man if it were me in that position. OP really needs to try and go it alone somehow I think.

Ignore Kiani. I’ve reported the posts. Let MN deal with it. Just focus on all the wonderful women here that are supporting you and sending you love and strength.

I don’t know you but I am feeling very strongly that no amount of money is worth having contact with this monster.

Citizens Advice often do consultations to check that you are optimising your income and it’s completely separate to the Local Authority and completely confidential. Try that first to see what your options are.

Pre school is the most expensive stage and so much harder to work. Focus on making mum friends so you can do childcare swaps and may be join Gingerbread for single parents. Get your social support up - go to all the parent baby groups you can - churches often run ones that are free and you often get a hot cup of tea and a biscuit.

Sending you an unmumsnetty hug.

@Journeyintomelody agree with @TableDoorbellSmile that, while you shouldn’t have to, you probably need to soften the tone of your message a bit as he sounds like someone who could get arsey.

Thank you for the lovely post. Citizenas advice is a great idea

@Journeyintomelody do you have any family that can help you out in the beginning? I honestly would hit every charity in town before establishing any sort of opening with this man or his family (if his family knows about the child, cut them off as well - they’ll just enable his behaviour).