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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsure about DS going to this party?

187 replies

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 21:04

DS is four, plays with a range of toys and has a range of interests but it’s fair to say most of them are maybe typically ‘boy’ toys: construction and farm toys and the like.

He has been invited to a ‘princess party’ which is where women dressed as Disney princesses greet the children, who are also dressed as princesses, and then they dance and sing to princess songs and have a princess tea.

(ds is the only boy going.)

I don’t know. I feel like DS won’t enjoy it much and will feel really out of it if everyone else is wearing an Elsa dress or whatever but equally he wouldn’t want to dress as a princess and there isn’t really an equivalent - I could maybe try a prince outfit? It’s not the first time he’s been sort of subtly pushed out and it makes me a bit sad for him.

OP posts:
Eldermillenialyogi · 05/01/2025 10:17

I think what’s troubling me is that the invite was sent out generically to the group chat (fine) and then a long discussion on who was going to be what princess ensued and then the host tagged me and said ‘of course DS can come if he really wants to.’

OP this is a different issue to what you said in your OP and if this is the wording used I'd worry that they didn't really want me there. Based on what you've said it seems like they don't like you very much and you don't like them very much. The fact your child is the only boy shouldn't matter if you all get along but clearly there are issues.

Longma · 05/01/2025 10:21

If a 4 or 5 year old wants a ridiculous sexist party concept like that there is something amiss

What's wrong with a 'princess' party?
What's wrong with children dressing up in sparkly clothes, enjoying dancing and singing and liking a little tea party?

Why is a little girl liking princesses sexist all of a sudden?

Longma · 05/01/2025 10:23

Jellytrain · 05/01/2025 00:25

No little lads want to dress as a prince!! Is that even a costume?!

You've never seen a little boy wearing a prince type costume? I'm surprised tbh. We have prince costumes in the role play box at school and it's often used.

Original poster
leavehimthere · 05/01/2025 10:24

I hope they like me and I like them, but this issue does rear its head sometimes and as the children get older that ‘divide’ is becoming more obvious. It’s interesting some have blamed me for it and I’m not sure why.

I am also the only one who has another child and I think that’s been hard, because often they can go off and do something and I can’t, so the girls have made this tight little group and some of the mums have encouraged this because they like being girl mums, it’s something that’s come up before.

I don’t think it’s as stark as ‘they don’t like you’ or ‘you don’t like them.’ But I do think DS is a bit of an intrusion on the party!

OP posts:
xmascrackerr · 05/01/2025 10:28

I think it’s more about you and how you feel different to your friends, especially given your last update.

For the party it’s really not that deep, at 4 my DD had a princess party, I asked her what party theme she’d like she said princesses so that’s what she had. We had boys there who had a fab time, in fact two years on one of her boy friends mum told me recently he still says it was the best party he’s ever been to!

I think the undercurrent of the ‘girl mom’ gang and maybe you feeling different to them after having a second child is colouring your view of this issue.

Marleigh0 · 05/01/2025 10:29

So are you expecting them to not go and do the things that you can't do just because you can't do them?

Dracarys1 · 05/01/2025 10:32

My NCT group also had 7 girls and 1 boy. I was one of the girl mums. If the majority have girls there is obviously going to be a bit more in the way of 'girly discussions, especiallyas youre all FTMs. For my DDs 3rd birthday she had a princess party. The 1 boy was invited and came as a pirate I think. It honestly never occurred to me that he would feel pushed out. My DS aged 4 has been to 2 princess parties and a barbie party and just went in his normal clothes and really enjoyed himself. Don't read too much into it and let him enjoy the party.

Original poster
leavehimthere · 05/01/2025 10:33

Marleigh0 · 05/01/2025 10:29

So are you expecting them to not go and do the things that you can't do just because you can't do them?

I’m a bit lost as to how you’ve extrapolated that. Maybe you’d like to explain why, as I haven’t said that and I don’t think I’ve hinted or suggested it but maybe I’ve given the impression unintentionally that this is the case?

OP posts:
Hippee · 05/01/2025 10:39

Some of my friends with girls are a bit precious and superior about having girls. Comments have included "third time lucky" and "I'd like another if I could guarantee a girl". I thought they were a bit ridiculous, but it didn't bother me. I never did NCT but my friend did and there were all kinds of dramas. It's a pretty artificial way of meeting friends - you have one big thing in common, but it's all the little things that make real friendships. Try not to overthink it - if you and DS get something out of it, carry on, if not, don't waste your energy. Hopefully they aren't the only kids in the village.

Original poster
leavehimthere · 05/01/2025 10:43

Yes - I think even the ones who aren’t overly precious about their girls have an air of ‘so glad I had a girl!’ Third time lucky is horrible though.

OP posts:
Dracarys1 · 05/01/2025 10:47

I was probably glad to have a girl first time. I was a nervous first time mum and I felt like I 'knew' girls so it felt easier somehow. I now have a boy too and he is so lovely and wonderful and I'm so glad to have him but sometimes you can't help the way you feel, especially when it's all new and you're learning the ropes of parenting. I'm sure they're not trying to be hurtful.

Acommonreader · 05/01/2025 10:47

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 21:10

It’s my NCT group - there are seven of us and he’s the only boy.

I don’t really know, it’s very subtle and sometimes so subtle as to make it seem ridiculous even mentioning it. But there are sometimes a few ‘huh honestly BOYS’ sort of comments - once at soft play I went to rescue DS who was being wrestled to the ground by another kid and I heard them all talking about how awful boys are - I mean, they didn’t use those words but that was the gist. And then there are often long discussions about hair and styling, or similar.

I know this will make little sense but I feel they like DS as an individual but not as a boy. Very hard to explain! And I feel as if the princess party is almost a way of excluding him: a sort of well, you can come but you aren’t really welcome?

Show quote history

With respect - I doubt the birthday girl’s choice of party has anything to do with your son. She has chosen a party she wants. He can go or not go.
I think it’s a shame that firstly you think that a princess party is exclusive to girls and secondly that you think your sons sex is such a significant factor in other people’s choices.
My ds would have had fun at any type party at 4 years old as long as there were games and cake!

Tryingtokeepgoing · 05/01/2025 10:48

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 21:12

The party is only for our group so it would be a bit pointed if he wasn’t invited!

So what’s the alternative? As I see it, the only alternative given that’s he been invited and so is wanted there, is to change the whole theme to pander to a boy? In what way is that reasonable? Talk about male privilege!!

Porcuporpoise · 05/01/2025 10:49

Haven't read the thread but my ds went to several princess parties and one Pocahontas party dressed as spiderman. He had fun.

Edited to add: he was the only boy, or sometimes one of two boys, too.

Original poster
leavehimthere · 05/01/2025 10:51

It isn’t the theme that I am hesitating about and I do think that must be obvious.

If it was ‘princess party - so looking forward to seeing you!’ - great.

But it’s not. It’s ’princess party! Olivia is Snow White, grace really wants to be Elsa, but oh, Rosie wants to be Elsa too … maybe Elsa could be Arna? The birthday girl wants to be Elsa so she gets first dibs. Oh yeah and OP, your DS can come if he wants.’

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 05/01/2025 11:00

Kindly, I think you're over thinking.

Just say "great, we'll be there" and take him along dressed however he wants.

BlueFlagPinkFlag · 05/01/2025 11:00

We’ve been to a few princess parties and little boys have come dressed up still, either in princess related or Spider-Man/Mr Incredible.

Don’t overthink it, just go and have fun.

JHound · 05/01/2025 11:01

Seems he was invited for a reason. Buy him a very nice Prince outfit and let him go along (unless he does not want to.)

JMSA · 05/01/2025 11:03

YABU.

JMSA · 05/01/2025 11:05

Hippee · 05/01/2025 10:39

Some of my friends with girls are a bit precious and superior about having girls. Comments have included "third time lucky" and "I'd like another if I could guarantee a girl". I thought they were a bit ridiculous, but it didn't bother me. I never did NCT but my friend did and there were all kinds of dramas. It's a pretty artificial way of meeting friends - you have one big thing in common, but it's all the little things that make real friendships. Try not to overthink it - if you and DS get something out of it, carry on, if not, don't waste your energy. Hopefully they aren't the only kids in the village.

Mwah ha ha. Wait until the teenage years hit (I'm currently living it)!

immoreexcitedthanthekids · 05/01/2025 11:05

Do none of the girls have younger brothers? I'm assuming this is a group of pfb's. But I'm surprised if by four none have younger make siblings?

Original poster
leavehimthere · 05/01/2025 11:10

immoreexcitedthanthekids · 05/01/2025 11:05

Do none of the girls have younger brothers? I'm assuming this is a group of pfb's. But I'm surprised if by four none have younger make siblings?

Not only no younger male siblings, no younger siblings at all. So it’s a group of six only girls then I have the one boy, and also a younger child. So I can see that’s kind of left me out, intentionally or otherwise.

OP posts:
PurpleH · 05/01/2025 11:11

So they should change the whole theme just to make the one boy in the group feel more welcome? That’s an odd stance to take…

He’s not being “pushed out” because she’s chosen a princess theme…. As others have said, he’s clearly being included!

is he at school yet? Parties then become all kinds of themes, it’s just what each kid likes! And also they’ll be less NCT stuff once he starts school so I’d make the most now if you’re friends with them.

and as for the comments around “boys being boys”, that happens. Doesn’t mean you have to agree or join in.

Original poster
leavehimthere · 05/01/2025 11:14

Sigh. No, of course not: I’m happy with a princess theme, I’m just not quite so happy with ‘oh he can come if he wants!’

OP posts:
KittenHelp24 · 05/01/2025 11:15

Ah I get it OP, it does sound like the way they worded the invite was a bit shit.

If he's friends with all the girls just reply that of course he's coming. He could go as Black Panther who is a Disney Prince technically (albeit tenuously). Then wax lyrical about how lovely it was the mum picked a theme he could be included in 😁