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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsure about DS going to this party?

187 replies

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 21:04

DS is four, plays with a range of toys and has a range of interests but it’s fair to say most of them are maybe typically ‘boy’ toys: construction and farm toys and the like.

He has been invited to a ‘princess party’ which is where women dressed as Disney princesses greet the children, who are also dressed as princesses, and then they dance and sing to princess songs and have a princess tea.

(ds is the only boy going.)

I don’t know. I feel like DS won’t enjoy it much and will feel really out of it if everyone else is wearing an Elsa dress or whatever but equally he wouldn’t want to dress as a princess and there isn’t really an equivalent - I could maybe try a prince outfit? It’s not the first time he’s been sort of subtly pushed out and it makes me a bit sad for him.

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 04/01/2025 22:16

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 21:50

I think what’s troubling me is that the invite was sent out generically to the group chat (fine) and then a long discussion on who was going to be what princess ensued and then the host tagged me and said ‘of course DS can come if he really wants to.’

I suppose you can read that one or two ways; either that they really want him and invited him specifically but tbh I’m interpreting that more of ‘well we don’t really want him but he can come if he wants.’

There really are a lot of comments of the ‘huff, sigh, eye roll, oh, BOYS’ nature which I honestly haven’t imagined and are quite frustrating as often their girls are doing something identical they’ve overlooked!

He isn’t into Disney either so a lot of it may well go over his head a bit but I suppose the important thing is he has fun. My only worry is that I don’t ever want him to feel like he’s only tolerated. If it was ‘oh a princess party and DS can be an amazing prince!’ that would be different but that’s not really the vibe.

I think go to the party, take it all in good humour, but then begin to get a wider friendship group for you and your ds.

Don’t forget these old friends but get plenty of more suitable ones -for both of your sakes! These women do seem to conform to limited ideas. Many other mothers are very nice without being quite like this lot.

GRex · 04/01/2025 22:17

DS wore a superhero outfit to a ballet party, and a reindeer onesie to a princess party. He had a moment sitting back in the ballet party before firing into some sort of conga and cancan kicking on the stage. He's always liked girls though, and loves being one of just a few boys for the extra hugs.

It is tempting to say "roll with it", but I feel it is you who is feeling left out rather than him. Double back on the adult relationships OP, is there anyone in the group you are particularly close with?

SnapdragonToadflax · 04/01/2025 22:21

How do you know he wouldn't like it? My son's nursery used to have princess dress up days as they'd been donated a ton of princess dresses - he loved it! At a party they're all just going to be running around in a sugar hyper tizzy anyway. He doesn't need to dress as a Prince or some other sterotypically boy thing - just tell him it's a princess party and unclench a bit.

Original poster
leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 22:22

I’m sure he’ll enjoy the party but he wouldn’t want to dress up as a princess, and if he did it would be in a ‘silly’ sort of way which is unlikely to go down well and would probably reinforce any negative stereotypes. I think everyone’s taking the Elsa thing veeeery seriously!

OP posts:
NotAPartyPerson · 04/01/2025 22:24

In fairness after reading your updates OP, the rest of the parents in the group do sound incredibly annoying. Long discussions about hairstyles and which girl is going to be which princess?! Two four year olds can't wear the same costume because..? Each to their own, they don't sound like my kinda people either (and I have girls!)

Unicorntearsofgin · 04/01/2025 22:24

My little boy was invited to a princess party - small with 6 girls and two boys. He had a great time and wore his sisters Elsa dress.

If he wants to go let him go.

Jellytrain · 04/01/2025 22:27

My son and his friend loved a princess party when they were little!! They were in awe of "Elsa" and said she was "really pretty"!

DarkAndTwisties · 04/01/2025 22:27

leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 22:22

I’m sure he’ll enjoy the party but he wouldn’t want to dress up as a princess, and if he did it would be in a ‘silly’ sort of way which is unlikely to go down well and would probably reinforce any negative stereotypes. I think everyone’s taking the Elsa thing veeeery seriously!

How many people are going?

My DD went to a 5th birthday party over the summer that was princess themed. She's never watched any Princess films (she's not interested, not because they're princesses, she just doesn't really like films). She didn't dress up, just went in some party clothes. I'd say about half the kids weren't dressed up, boys and girls.

Jellytrain · 04/01/2025 22:28

Never seen a boy at this type of party dressed as a princess but if course they can if they want!! Dress as whatever you like!

Bournetilly · 04/01/2025 22:35

I thought you were being ridiculous (sorry) until I read your update ‘of course DS can come if he really wants to.’ It does sound like the parent doesn’t really want him there, I’m sure the child does because she will just see him as her friend.

Once he starts school he will make new friends and be invited to a lot of parties, I’d imagine you’ll see the group less so I wouldn’t really worry about it. If he wants to go take him.

My DC went to a whole class princess party recently and the boys were dressed up as superheroes or just in normal clothes. Your DS would have a great time.

CurlewKate · 04/01/2025 22:37

@leavehimthere "But there are sometimes a few ‘huh honestly BOYS’ sort of comments - once at soft play I went to rescue DS who was being wrestled to the ground by another kid and I heard them all talking about how awful boys are - I mean, they didn’t use those words but that was the gist."

So what words did they use?

Original poster
leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 22:39

Thanks. I feel like I do need to stress that in no way do I think this is exactly a deliberate snub, that the party has specifically been booked because they’ve been going ‘mwahahaha, the boy can’t come now can he’ or anything mad like that. I think it’s more that they (some more than others) enjoy being this girly gang and DS, and by extension I, are an infringement upon that.

OP posts:
Merrygoround8 · 04/01/2025 22:39

How is he being pushed out if he’s been invited? Birthday girl must like him! But if it’s not his thing, don’t go….? He might have fun though. Parties are parties and the “he only wants plays with x y z” is often self-fulfilling as you then only expose to that stuff...

Original poster
leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 22:41

I can’t remember verbatim @CurlewKate but to paraphrase … along the lines of boys always fighting, boys <tut> boys <eye roll> boys <sigh> well, BOYS. I wanted to say ‘hang on, he’s the victim here!’

OP posts:
Original poster
leavehimthere · 04/01/2025 22:44

Merrygoround8 · 04/01/2025 22:39

How is he being pushed out if he’s been invited? Birthday girl must like him! But if it’s not his thing, don’t go….? He might have fun though. Parties are parties and the “he only wants plays with x y z” is often self-fulfilling as you then only expose to that stuff...

It is, except I haven’t. He’s got a range of toys but he’s always loved vehicle type toys, train sets and the like. We live rurally and so tractors are a big hit.

He isn’t into some other stereotypically ‘boy’ stuff such as dinosaurs, which clothes manufacturers seem to think every boy should be. He’s been in nursery three days a week since he was 11 months and he’s always made a beeline for anything with a wheel. We do have dolls, a kitchen, dolls house and horses but it’s always the vehicles and the tool sets that are the hits.

OP posts:
trybest · 04/01/2025 22:50

Let him decide. If he likes her, he'll go. Both DS and DD have been to so-called princess parties and enjoyed dressing up. DS wore one of his sister's dresses, and other boys just wore regular clothes.

AConcernedCitizen · 04/01/2025 22:58

This feels like it's much less about your son being excluded and more more about you feeling like the odd one out in the group of mums.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/01/2025 23:05

He's 4 bless him

Prob hasn't crossed his mind to him they are just friends

Obv the only boy as rest of group are girls

Sure he plays with other boys at pre school etx and has friends who are boys

Get him this

amzn.eu/d/3PFTahW

Marleigh0 · 04/01/2025 23:07

The party child can choose their favourite thing, they are 100% not choosing around your child ffs.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/01/2025 23:12

I’d let him go and let him dress as whatever he feels like.

Little children’s birthday party dressing up themes are famously fluid!

My dd was obsessed with pirates age 4, and so we had a pirate party. It was made very clear that children could come in whatever they wanted - many did come as pirates - but we had some princesses and also a buzz light year.

It’s all just a bit of fun!

MarchInHappiness · 04/01/2025 23:17

Op, I think your are being U about the party but I can see how these feelings have manifested over time. It must not be easy with such an imbalance of sex in your NCT group.

Go to the party, then maybe its time to slowly fade from the group unless they are all very good friends? Or just stay in touch with the ones who you are friends with. I wouldnt be surprised if the group slowly disintegrates as the children start school, and parents meet other people etc.

Alalalala · 04/01/2025 23:24

@leavehimthere He doesn’t feel excluded, you do. He’ll enjoy the party even as you struggle with the dynamic.

i understand btw. You’re in a group as a singleton, everyone else can bond together in a way you can’t. But your boy will enjoy it. It’s up to you to decide if you think they’re nice enough people to hang out with despite that sense of othering.

Needanewname42 · 04/01/2025 23:29

Op take him along, ride out the next few months. I'm assuming they all start school in August / September?

I'd try and find out if any nursery friends will be going to the same school? And start trying to do play dates with them and their mums.

Another thought, do none of the group have siblings - male siblings?

coxesorangepippin · 04/01/2025 23:33

Send him in.

He'll be fine

Franjipanl8r · 04/01/2025 23:34

It’s sounds like you’re being a little self conscious and are projecting this. You’ll need a thicker skin as a parent, your DS comes first and he wants to go to the party so take him. No one will care if he’s dressed up or not, my DD hated dressing up and it was never a problem at things like this.