Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

Yes, it is. Because he's going to do it again, and again, and again, and at some point your daughter will see Daddy beating Mummy because you didn't "just leave".

Your husband is meant to be your equal, not your boss. He's an abuser, and your child will grown up having a seriously unhealthy relationship modelled to them if you stay. I don't think you realise just how bad his behaviour is.

There are specific courses for men who are violent and I will expect that a counsellor would direct him to one and for her to make the OP safe whilst herl undertake one.

I work in a related area and I am yet to come across a single person who has been rehabilitated by one of the dv perpetrator courses. People who do things like this are fundamentally incapable of change. It just give false hope to victims IMO.

All these things are bad and are abusive. I don’t know why you don’t think it is. He has physical abused you. Just because it isn’t a punch or slap does not mean it is not abuse.

He also also raped you. Pressuring you to have sex is coercion and is rape.

Not taking you to the hospital when you are clearly severely ill is abuse.

You don’t seem ready yet but you need to leave this man. Think of your daughter. How would you feel if a man was doing this to her? Would you. It beg her to leave.

You need to be completely honest with your therapist. It’s not being disloyal to your husband it is protecting yourself and being honest. They can’t help you if you aren’t being honest.

I honestly feel so worried for you and your daughter because it will escalate.

OP;
My ex did alot of these things to me. Grabbed me by my sides when I was literally 5 weeks post c section. And he also barricaded the stairs so I couldn't get to our son.
This isn't acceptable and whether or not Ashley is a threat or not, your husband is bullying and abusing you - i think you've normalised it because you speak of your own parents, it's not healthy and certainly not right.
Please get help from a women's charity.

It was NOT minor stuff. You are only seeing it that way because of your upbringing. It would be major abuse to anyone else who has had a normal home life. Your perspective is skewed. Please don’t let your daughter grow up with this same skewed idea of what is a normal way of relating to someone. I’ve been really upset by this. I wish you could see your daughter in 15-20 years time - she will scarred by this 😢 You just aren’t seeing it. But you will. You’ll get there and realise you need to leave for your and possibly more importantly her future. It’s just going to take you a while to realise because of what you have experienced before as that is finishing your husband’s behaviour.

if only people could be helped. You can take a a horse to water..

It is easier to say then do but it's something you should really think about doing, I've just read all of your posts and you yourself can see how bad it is, you say it looks worse when put all together, but that's what you need to do.
If you put a Lobster in a boiling pot of water it will scream, if you put it into cold water and heat it up to boiling it will just stay there, things happening gradually will not seem that bad, but when you write them down you can clearly see everything he had done, and I'm sure he had been apologetic after every time but it happens again.
In one reply you have said that he hasn't actually hit you, but in another you said that if you didn't shut your mouth he would have hit you.
I'm a male as I previously said and I was in bed with a lady one night and she asked me to stop and just cuddle, which I did, she then thanked me and I asked why, she said not many men would do, that's race regardless of anything else, that's rape, if either person before or during doesn't want anymore but the other person continues that is rape, whether they are a partner, someone on a one night stand, a stranger or even a prostitute, no means no, pinning you down or giving you an ultimatum that he will leave if he doesn't get any, that's 100% rape, I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, or upsetting but if he is capable of doing that to his wife, the mother of his daughter and the person who he claims to love, then he could do anything. I honestly feel that you are not safe in your home, a lot of people commenting negative things are delusional, you do not need to clarify your actions regarding your friendship or how you feel about anyone, some people though are extremely genuine and want to help.
I've was both physically and mentally abused by my ex wife of 20 years, she controlled my life and everything I could do, since we separated I started therapy and you start to see more how bad things were, it's been 10 years, she is the mother of my 4 children, I still have some feelings now, but I would never put myself in that position again, through my experience and therapy I started helping people, and I eventually did a course to help myself to help others, if you ever need a stranger to unload to the please message me.
That's also the same for anyone reading this, male or female you are all welcome to message me about anything that is concerning you, sometimes just writing the .message out is enough to release the pressure built up in side.

now the full story is coming out....yes you are suffering domestic abuse which needs reporting amd you are not safe !
thos was not how it first came out.....

remove your child and you and report to police immediately !!!

LOL A little unkind, perhaps? I think you have never been the husband of mum busy with her baby. I hear it can be very unsettling for that husband

Completely agree, she would be told to LTB

People introduce things like this into their relationship but are in total denial that it has any affect on their partner, and I’m sorry, but that is also abuse. An affair isn’t always physical. Emotional affairs can hurt a partner as much and often more. I would be devastated if my husband referred to another woman as “his rock” or “his best friend and the vast majority would feel the same. Couple that with the fact that you have a history, you’ve slept together and lost a child together, that’s no light thing, I really couldn’t stomach that as a wife, and I would not stand for it. That’s not controlling either, it’s just not something I would consider at all appropriate. Your husband clearly has had an emotional response to all of this and is feeling angry and hurt. Why you can’t understand the solution is beyond me. Women like you never think about the wife- she dislikes you, so you can’t have a couples friendship with both of them - and probably haven’t even tried, it’s just you and her husband in this bubble- not appropriate for many- including your husband and his wife. No doubt Ashley has told his wife you’re vulnerable and need him, which no woman wants to hear said about another woman, and she’s likely been in the room when you’ve been texting and crying on the phone to him, and she’s probably wondering why you aren’t ringing a girlfriend, and why it’s her husband you are always turning to, interrupting their life and family time? Does Ashley talk about his wife to you behind her back also- another thought that will be going through the wife’s head every time they have issues.

Oh for goodness sake OP, I’m getting more and more concerned for you as this thread progresses!

1. Your husband is showing demonstrably abusive behaviour. He doesn’t have to be a “bad person” to do bad things. The first couple of years after a baby is born are hell but it’s no excuse for his behaviour. Not putting him first is not an excuse for his behaviour.
2. He has a history of being an inconsiderate arse.
3. You need to speak to your marriage counsellor privately or go to your GP where you don’t have to worry about them seeing him. I can speak from the other side on this. My husband and I had an awful time in the first few years after DS was born. I struggled with rage and my behaviour at times was unacceptable (nothing physical) but I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling him he couldn’t talk to our marriage counsellor about it! I felt awkward and embarrassed but it illustrated to me that it was because I was feeling shame about my behaviour.
4. I am sure he is very charming. That’s what a manipulative person does.
5. It is a well documented abusive partner tactic to isolate the partner from their support system. Here he is doing exactly that.
6. You need to start looking after yourself OP. Do you have the means to leave? Savings separate from accounts he can access? A safe place you can go to for when he’s a total arse again or his behaviour escalates?
7. ignore the people on here telling you you’re the AH. I am genuinely concerned for your mental health and physical wellbeing being with such an uncaring person.

That's abusive in itself! Him wanting to hide his wrong doings so no one thinks bad of him! Controlling.

Oh hell no. One of my best friends is a man - mates since we were 11. Had some drunken fumbles when we were 19 and quickly realised that it was like snogging a sibling! We’ve helped each other though a hell of a lot (including fertility issues for both of us). DH knows and loves him - he has a very close female friend with a similar back story. We both readily accept that if we were meant to be with these people - we would! Different people have different roles in your life.

Unsettling for the husband wtf !He forced her to have sex after giving birth, threw her against the wall and banged her head, swears at the child, pins her down .He is an abuser the police need to be called.Domestic abusers are " always sorry but the repeat the offences.

There's are all abusive! Coercing you into sex when you weren't ready. That's actually assault. Not to mention the emotional abuse. Neglectful abuse of not taking you to hospital.
No wonder he doesn't want you discussing these things...he knows what other people would say!
I can read that you're still not ready to believe he is this way, but I promise, from experience, when those rose tinted glasses drop, you will realise just how horrendous his behaviour is.

You are obviously an abusive narcissist with this view.

Eww! You are one of the enablers of abuse aren't you. 'Oh not our business, leave them to it!' 'Oh, he didn't mean it, he was stressed!'
Folk like you are awful!

Sweet Jesus this is INCREDIBLY abusive behaviour! I’ve had red flags waving from EVERY single one of your previous entries but this made my heart leap.

Please go and see a counsellor (secretly if you can). This man is abusive and you are oblivious - this is normal.

You should never have therapy with an abuser. The fact that your couples therapist has not picked up on this means she’s not informed. He ‘bans’ topics (his own actions) to make him look better. What’s the point in therapy then? Bin the therapist who is gaslighting you alongside him.

You are in real danger.

The only reason why he ants Ashley out of your life is because HE knows the truth, and he’s a way out. Abusers ALWAYS want to isolate you from your friends and family.

Each of this is very abnormal and not one of them should, or would, happen in a normal, loving relationship. Please seek help. Speak to your GP or women’s aid, rights of women, advice now…

This is how they trap you.

pregnancy or marriage is a classic trigger for abusers because they feel they own you and you can’t easily leave.

The classic ‘regret’ afterwards. I know this well. They contort themselves into a victim so that you will feel sorry for them and fall for their crocodile tears. Please educate yourself (but be very careful he does not find out). If he realises you might leave him, he might take the next step and get violent.

He is risking your life by keeping peanut butter in the house? This is a veiled threat.

"He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again"

The minute your SO says you are not allowed to do something like this they have crossed the line into controlling abuse. If your husband is struggling with these feelings of jealousy etc then therapy is the answer. If he refuses to do that, then I suggest you consider divorce.

"He’s always been incredibly sorry afterwards. That’s what makes it so difficult"

Oh @Rosegarden47, they always are.

Please make an escape plan. This is only going to get worse. You say you don't want to upset your daughter but please don't let her grow up seeing this man abusing and controlling you. The bestthing you could do for your daughter is take her and run.

“ It’s easy to say “just leave” on the internet. But it’s not that easy in real life. I lose my home, stability”

And that’s exactly how he want you to feel, so that you think you can’t leave