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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my friendship inappropriate?

495 replies

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 16:21

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

OP posts:
Betterthaneastenders · 09/01/2025 01:39

@Rosegarden47 Im really sorry, i read your post and made a comment, ive now seen a lot of people mentioning the abuse and im sorry i missed that at first,your husband will get better and he will make things right with you, he will make you the way you want to and you will question why you felt so bad towards him, he will then start again, apologize and then make things better again.
when he is having an off day, you will be his target, when he feels better he will do all of the apologising. this is a controlling behaviour and it will only get worse the longer it goes on and the more you show him that you are willing to take, for you childs welfare as your own you need to go and speak to someone asap, please do not let things get worse before you decide to do anything as then it really could be too late.
I understand your friendship with Ashley is strong and he will help you if you need it, im sure his wife if she knew what ashley does about your husband would also want to help you, you do not need a man like that in your life.
And those who have said that you are in the wrong for having a male friend are being controlled or are controlling their partners, i have a lot of female friends, a lot of them i am attracted to, but they mean more to me then anything, i know a lot of their partners and they know how i will always look out for them when they are out with me.
This is what a relationship should be like.
With the messages that you have been sending to Ashley, you cant just delete them, this will cause a red flag to your husband, seeing a deleted message could be worse then reading one, you have to completely clear it all out so there is nothing that can be seen, if you need to message him before you decide that your husband is dangerous then use whatsapp and do the deleting messages after a certain time so they will not show.
But please go to the police and just tell them what he has done, they will soon let you know that its not normal.

InkHeart2024 · 09/01/2025 04:05

BeNavyCrab · 08/01/2025 22:59

I really understand what you are saying but by not being honest with the therapist about the worst things doesn't give them the full picture. They will work and advise you differently. You are also depriving your DH from learning to change and are effectively telling him he doesn't need to. I know that you have subjects you have asked him not to share but the potential of violence is a direct threat to your marriage and possibly your life. There's a dynamic between you that could be improved and it could make all the difference, you owe it to both of you to get help to sort it out. It's understandable he's carrying around a large amount of hurt from the loss of your baby. He also might be feeling a bit pushed out by your attention being on your little one and then seeing you sharing emotions with another man is really upsetting him. If he's not taught how to channel his anger or communication to alleviate it, nothing will change. Violence tends to increase as does controlling. Before you know where you are, you will be isolated and feeling like it's all your fault. Set some boundaries and work on reversing it before it took late!

Show quote history

Couple counselling can never improve a domestic violence dynamic. Encouraging her to share more in joint counselling sessions is encouraging her to make herself less safe. And domestic violence is not about a man 'needing to learn how to channel his anger'. He's not abusing her because of his grief. He's abusing her because he's abusive.

Flipflop223 · 09/01/2025 05:40

BeNavyCrab · 08/01/2025 22:59

I really understand what you are saying but by not being honest with the therapist about the worst things doesn't give them the full picture. They will work and advise you differently. You are also depriving your DH from learning to change and are effectively telling him he doesn't need to. I know that you have subjects you have asked him not to share but the potential of violence is a direct threat to your marriage and possibly your life. There's a dynamic between you that could be improved and it could make all the difference, you owe it to both of you to get help to sort it out. It's understandable he's carrying around a large amount of hurt from the loss of your baby. He also might be feeling a bit pushed out by your attention being on your little one and then seeing you sharing emotions with another man is really upsetting him. If he's not taught how to channel his anger or communication to alleviate it, nothing will change. Violence tends to increase as does controlling. Before you know where you are, you will be isolated and feeling like it's all your fault. Set some boundaries and work on reversing it before it took late!

Show quote history

Please read all her posts. This advice is not appropriate

Flipflop223 · 09/01/2025 05:40

Grammarnut · 08/01/2025 22:45

Your husband is being a bit of a dick, but your friendship is inappropriate and possibly dangerous to your marriage, this especially is the case if you are letting off steam about marital arguments to Ashley. If damage to your marriage isn't a problem to you then continue, if it is then you need to reconsider.
Meanwhile 1) Why should your DH go through your phone - it's private. 2) Delete your phone history. (i.e. Belt and braces. If you also want a lifeboat you could have a separate 'Ashley' phone, but be aware that makes your friendship deeply suspect.)

Please read all her posts. Your advice is not appropriate

Flipflop223 · 09/01/2025 05:42

user1492757084 · 08/01/2025 22:54

Separate the two issues .. Ashley ... Husband.

Ashley
Have you tried putting the relationship with Ashley more into a normal friend box? Not many people have more time (including brain time) in their lives for friends over their kids and spouse.

  • Talk or text no more than once per week.
  • Meet up no more than once per month, sometimes asking your spouses whether they'd like to join you.
  • Send a Christmas greeting to their whole family.
  • Send happy birthday greetings on social media or card.
  • Invite friend and family to big celebrations like a wedding or 30th birthday etc.

Husband
Have some counselling with husband to explore whether he or you are suffering PTSD over deaths of children. Start again and have intimate, sharing conversations. Go on dates, discover a gentle way to communicate. Have on hand, in case of violence, numbers for womens' aid, your parents, local Police and local mental health. (not Ashley's number)
It might be that your marriage won't work but you can't rely on Ashley being the Knight in shining armour because that is unfair to his marriage and also keeps you from moving on independently.

Edited

Please read all posts here - advice is not appropriate

Flipflop223 · 09/01/2025 05:44

Jazzjazzjazz · 09/01/2025 00:30

Your marriage doesn’t sound like a happy one and you do need to speak to someone, but I doubt Ashley’s wife’s dislikes you because she overheard someone say he should’ve married you, I doubt that’s all it is. If another woman was blowing up my husbands phone every time she had an argument with her husband and kept in constant touch with small talk- and thought of my husband as her rock- I’d be pissed off. That’s emotional energy that he should be putting into his marriage, not another woman. Just not sure you have a great deal of insight because you are likely too wrapped up in yourself.

Please read all posts by Op - advice is not appropriate

mnreader · 09/01/2025 05:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

nodramaplz · 09/01/2025 06:03

Set up the play dates. If your hubby can't make it. Tough

DeepRoseFish · 09/01/2025 06:08

Has your husband become emotionally abusive since the birth of your child? This is very common. Sounds like you need some advice from women’s aid.

DeepRoseFish · 09/01/2025 06:16

OP I really do think you need to reach out to women’s aid and get some support.

Try reading Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.

Feeling confused and that things are you fault are symptoms of being abused.

Jazzjazzjazz · 09/01/2025 07:34

Flipflop223 · 09/01/2025 05:44

Please read all posts by Op - advice is not appropriate

Show quote history

I’ve read them, advice is appropriate, her marriage is shit and her husband is abusive, doesn’t mean she should take someone else’s husband as her rock

TwinklySquid · 09/01/2025 08:07

Having read your replies, I think there are deeper issues here.

I don’t buy into the idea that having friends of the opposite sex means you are more likely to cheat. If you were going to cheat, you would have by now. I am still friends with all my ex’s. They are ex’s for a reason so I wouldn’t sleep with them again. I have had conversations with an ex over the relationship with a male friend. I made it clear I would not leave the friendship. Relationships/marriage are just one area of your life. I wouldn’t isolate myself. But I can see why your husband wants to remove Ashley.

The fact that your husband has been abusive will also play into his reasons for not liking your relationship with Ashley. Abusers try to isolate and also blame you for the abuse. He wouldn’t abuse you if you didn’t make him so insecure he’ll say. Which is bull! My daughter’s father became very abusive when I was pregnant. There had been a few signs before that which I ignored but it escalated when I was more vulnerable which is common. I’ve had a lot of counciling and now we get on for our daughter. Some people can be good dads but awful partners.

i would urge you to seperate these two issues. I know it’s easy to say leave when in reality it isn’t. I read a good book called Why Does he Do it by Lundy Bancroft . You can find free copies as pdfs online. That was the book that made me leave. I grew up in an abusive home and I wouldn’t let my daughter see that. It’s been hard by nearly five years later, I have a nice home and life. My daughter is thriving . It was worth leaving. One of my male friends helped me leave and has been my rock.

If I was in your situation, I’d keep Ashley over my marriage. He sounds like a good rock. Your husband on the other hand- well only you can make that decision .

Good luck

LucindasMummy · 09/01/2025 08:39

There are 2 issues here.

The H is abusive and that needs tackling in its own right.
Get advice from Women's Aid, etc and try to plan to leave.

Ashley is an issue. Yes, he's a friend but to all intents and purposes it comes over that OP should have married him, not her H. He's her 'rock' etc. She's emotionally attached to him.

The issue over Ashley is his wife is unhappy about this friendship.
Whether it's innocent or not, (and I think it is) she's not happy.

If Ashley was the caring, decent bloke OP makes out he is, he should step back in order to save his own marriage (even if his wife's jealousy is misplaced.)

I'm thinking about my own experience where as ex became a good friend and someone I'd talk to (not in person but by phone.) His wife was very insecure about it all. He backed off to prevent his marriage failing.

LucindasMummy · 09/01/2025 08:41

@TwinklySquid Ashley is married. His wife is unhappy about this relationship with the OP.

Ashley needs to think about his own marriage and the damage this could do.

Jazzjazzjazz · 09/01/2025 09:12

OP would rather be married to Ashley. Her husband knows it, and his wife knows it. Whether Ashley gives the same level of emotional investment and discusses his marital problems with OP, or checks in with her on the regular, or whether she’s the one emotionally obsessed and is just the thorn in the side in his marriage and he’s too kind to cut her off a bit, we dont know. There a plenty of people who like a bit of triangulation in a marriage, they need other sources of attention as a kind of back up, and to keep their partner wondering. Not sure why OP married her husband at all when Ashley is her rock and confidant. Ashley is married but OP doesn’t have to settle. Her husband has abusive traits and she has also made him insecure because of her close relationship with another man. OP should find a man that makes her feel like Ashley makes her feel.

bagginsatbagend · 09/01/2025 09:23

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/01/2025 13:11

I think you married too young, and now you're looking to see what's on the other side of the fence. I don't think your heart is in your marriage.

I don’t think you’ve read what OP has posted whatsoever, otherwise you wouldn’t have made that comment…

BeNavyCrab · 09/01/2025 09:24

InkHeart2024 · 09/01/2025 04:05

Couple counselling can never improve a domestic violence dynamic. Encouraging her to share more in joint counselling sessions is encouraging her to make herself less safe. And domestic violence is not about a man 'needing to learn how to channel his anger'. He's not abusing her because of his grief. He's abusing her because he's abusive.

Show quote history

I didn't tell her to do it in joint counselling, meant she should tell the counsellor by herself in her one to one session. They are better placed to advise her on what to do, as they know the couple. At the moment the councillor thinks he's a great person as evidenced by he OPs posts. Therefore she's getting incorrect advice for the situation she is in. People are complex and have many reasons for the way they act, I have suggested that if his behaviour suddenly changed at a point when they lost the baby, it may have been part of the reason. Having a child is also a known stressor for any relationship and can intensify any problems.

I accept that maybe I misspoke when I said "channel his anger". I mean that he needs to learn how to not get so angry that he resorts to violence and intimidation or controlling her. It's totally unacceptable to have one incidence, let alone multiple.There are specific courses for men who are violent and I will expect that a counsellor would direct him to one and for her to make the OP safe whilst herl undertake one.

I think most people here are in agreement that the OP needs urgent help and to realise her danger. She has listed numerous DV in 19 months. We can all say LTB or call the police but if she doesn't want to. At least by encouraging her to get a professional to help her, is better than having nobody and it might change her mind if it's someone she trusts already.

If she doesn't do anything and doesn't want to leave her husband then the violence will continue and is likely to escalate, especially if his paranoia decides she's been unfaithful. At the moment the OP is adamant she's not leaving and is waiting to see if the violence continues. I'm trying to get her to seek help as at the moment she's accepting a very worrying amount of violence as "normal". It's not!

Grammarnut · 09/01/2025 09:25

You don't have to continually put your DH's feelings first. If you think you do then there is some deeper thing going on in your marriage that has little to do with Ashley. Don't stay in an abusive marriage - 'loving' the person is irrelevant if they abuse you.

Grammarnut · 09/01/2025 09:28

AllyDally · 08/01/2025 22:51

Being a bit of a dick? Have you read the OPs posts. You can click the 3 dots to read them all

Show quote history

Yes, I have read them. My comment was that her friendship is inappropriate if she wishes to stay married to DH. It is - personal experience tells me this. On the other hand (another post) I have said that she doesn't have to put her DH first 100%, as she is suggesting (or others have blamed her) she ought to do. In a situation where one partner requires 100% agreement/support whatever they do, that's an abusive relationship.

bagginsatbagend · 09/01/2025 09:32

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 21:08

Okay. I can’t believe I’m doing this but I guess it might help people understand better. Maybe my judgement is way off, I don’t know. Off the top of my head (this is roughly over a 19 month period)
-The first time I would consider he crossed the line I was pregnant with our daughter, he grabbed me from behind and put his hand over my mouth to stop my crying (following an argument)
-A few instances of grabbing and pinning me down (usually when I’ve lost my temper)
-Pressuring me to have sex before I was ready after giving birth, saying if we hadn’t by x date he would leave
-Pushing me against the wall and shaking me really hard. This is the only time he’s ever actually physically hurt me, though it wasn’t intentional I hit my head quite hard
-Not being bothered to take me to hospital when I was semi delirious with appendicitis and making his dad take me instead
-Punching the walls and throwing his wedding ring in my face when I confronted him for swearing at our daughter. That time I genuinely believe he probably would have hit me if I didn’t keep my mouth shut
-Losing it and threatening to throw me out of the house and keeping our daughter when I said “yuck“ when he was eating a dish I didn’t like

Nothing that has been seriously physical and after he calmed down in all these instances he has been genuinely humiliated and sorry for how he acted.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh OP, I’m literally in tears reading this. I’ve been there, I grew up like you did. I grew up in an environment where domestic violence was the norm with everyone around me. I ended up in violent relationships myself & no one said a thing when I was covered in bruises & black eyes. I also minimised everything he did because it wasn’t as bad as what I was used to. BUT

This is not normal, even though he hasn’t physically hurt you he is incredibly abusive. One day you’re going to look back & think why the hell did I put up with that. I’ve been with a wonderful man for over 20 years, he hasn’t even raised his voice to me. He’s never called me names or told me who I can be friends with. Like you my best friend is a man who I met at school, we’ve been best friends since about aged 13 (over 30 years) & we too had sex as young teenagers. However my husband would never tell me we can’t be friends. He’s knows how much my friend means to me but he also knows I would never do anything with him, it’s purely a friendship.

please, please talk to a therapist, perhaps a new one (although I don’t think your DH would be happy with that). You need to understand his behaviour isn’t normal & you don’t want your LO to end up in a relationship like this or end up being the abusive one themselves. This is normal to you now so you don’t see how bad it is, I never did at the time either. But the fact you can’t talk about it with your therapist shows that your DH KNOWS how abusive he’s being & he doesn’t want anyone to know or anyone to tell you how bad it is

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 09/01/2025 09:33

Is Ashley happily married? Does he talk about his wife often and positively when you are together?

BeNavyCrab · 09/01/2025 09:54

Flipflop223 · 09/01/2025 05:40

Please read all her posts. This advice is not appropriate

Show quote history

I'm sorry I wasn't clear in my post but I meant she should share the truth with her counsellor by herself, not in joint counselling!

She needs to speak to someone like yourself ( as you said you are a counsellor) who knows how to get through to her that what she is experiencing isn't "normal".

At the moment she's adamant she's not going to leave and waiting for the next episode. Her friendship isn't her problem, it's the control and violence but she can't see it. I was hoping that she would feel more able to speak with the professional who she already knows and trusts, so they could help her to understand none of it is acceptable.Then they can work with her to get to the place she needs to.

I fear that if we all just say leave him or call the police, at the moment she won't. Doing nothing will never end well for her.

Mum0fb0yz · 09/01/2025 09:54

Rosegarden47 · 05/01/2025 21:08

Okay. I can’t believe I’m doing this but I guess it might help people understand better. Maybe my judgement is way off, I don’t know. Off the top of my head (this is roughly over a 19 month period)
-The first time I would consider he crossed the line I was pregnant with our daughter, he grabbed me from behind and put his hand over my mouth to stop my crying (following an argument)
-A few instances of grabbing and pinning me down (usually when I’ve lost my temper)
-Pressuring me to have sex before I was ready after giving birth, saying if we hadn’t by x date he would leave
-Pushing me against the wall and shaking me really hard. This is the only time he’s ever actually physically hurt me, though it wasn’t intentional I hit my head quite hard
-Not being bothered to take me to hospital when I was semi delirious with appendicitis and making his dad take me instead
-Punching the walls and throwing his wedding ring in my face when I confronted him for swearing at our daughter. That time I genuinely believe he probably would have hit me if I didn’t keep my mouth shut
-Losing it and threatening to throw me out of the house and keeping our daughter when I said “yuck“ when he was eating a dish I didn’t like

Nothing that has been seriously physical and after he calmed down in all these instances he has been genuinely humiliated and sorry for how he acted.

Edited
Show quote history

Sorry OP but this is abuse, it's actually worse than what I was imagining! He has been very abusive on several occasions. Yes he hasn't beaten you up but he has put his hands on you multiple times. This is why he doesn't what you to speak to Ashley, he was fine with your friendship before.
Hiding these things from a therapist is a huge red flag.
Please look into 1:1 sessions and actually be open and honest to a professional.

TwinklySquid · 09/01/2025 09:56

LucindasMummy · 09/01/2025 08:41

@TwinklySquid Ashley is married. His wife is unhappy about this relationship with the OP.

Ashley needs to think about his own marriage and the damage this could do.

We are people outside of marriage . The husband and wife knew about the friendship and still got married to their respective partners .

It’s a huge red flag to then demand the friendship stop. With the rate of divorce, your friends are far more likely to be around than your partner.

Thoughtsonallsorts · 09/01/2025 10:18

I agree the OP should be seeking serious help to remove herself from an abusive marriage & I feel sorry for anyone going through this. Do I agree it's appropriate to be calling another womans husband her 'rock' absolutely not. It's no wonder Ashley wife is not happy with the situation. It has nothing to do with the relationship not being sexual & everything to do with being extremely emotionally invested.

I had a boyfriend from school days who DH & I met at a wedding many years later. We still got on really well & I would have loved to rekindle our friendship. It was apparent his wife was watching us with a side eye while we were chatting & laughing. This was enough to make me realise a future friendship which had the potential to upset his wife was inappropriate so that's where it ended. It was nothing to do with trust and everything to do with respect.