Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

Op, firstly, I’m so sorry that you’ve had such awful experiences of relationships. You need support to deal with your past trauma. Secondly, I’m sorry to say, your husband is an abuser and his behaviour will escalate. Please try to face up to this reality. Pregnancy is commonly a ‘trigger’ for domestic abuse. Please read ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. And please, please start to make a safety plan because ultimately you are going to have to leave your abuser for the sake of your own life and your child/ children. Please, please seek some professional support and get a record of his behaviour because he will come after your children (and has already threatened as much).

You want fplk to post one definitive post no developments or disclosures so you can keep up? Okay

Hi @Rosegarden47 I just wanted to tell you that I've been in your shoes. I was married to a man who did similar things to me. I never in a million years thought I was in an abusive marriage. He'd never punched me, nor broken a bone, nor had me hospitalised. I wasn't a victim, don't be silly.

But the angry outbursts continued in their 3 weekly cycle over the years. He'd blow up over the smallest of things, he'd pin me against a wall with his hand squeezing my throat so hard that I could barely draw breath. He'd bite my shoulder, then grab me and throw me down the stairs or drag me into another room by my arm and throw me against a wall. Every single episode intensified.

But I stayed - in denial. Where you are now.

I believed because we were happy once, that it couldn't be that bad.

Eventually, I realised this was just who he was, it was never going to stop like he promised, and I was in real danger.

I started getting my ducks in a row, and just before I managed to go, it happened. He almost killed me.

Finally, I called 999, and he was arrested.

We divorced.

It took a long time, and a lot of episodes of his anger before I realised that I was in an abusive marriage. I'm glad I finally got there in the end. I hope you will one day very soon too x

if the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel..
.sorry but you need to prioritise your husband here !!

goimg through a similar issue from the other side where my partner keeps in contact with an ex fiance amd trust me it hurts !!!

Those incidents are really really bad. They are not normal.

I've been with my partner 20 years. We have absolutely had rows, but no, no one has done anything like the things you list. Not ever.

Of course her husband doesnt like her discussing the marriage with Ashley.....hes abusing her

I am sorry to say this, but even if he is wonderful 98% of the time and 'only' abusive 2% of the time, he is still abusive.

I have been in one abusive relationship, 30 years ago. It started with things that you describe, it ended with me sitting shaking on the bed with the bedroom door locked, holding two frightened crying children while he tried to kick the bedroom door down.

I have not had any single experience anything like that in any relationship since. It really isn't normal, please believe me and what everyone here is saying.

If your husband goes to that place when he is under a certain set of stressors, he will go to that place again and again. And there will be future stressors over all the years of a marriage...another baby, a job loss, a house move, family illness...

Rtft

Her abusive marriage? Are you sure?

She needs to leave her husband, not prioritise his abusive ass.

Well done for chasing OP away 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

You obviously have no idea how hard it is for the vast majority of people to even admit to abuse, let alone find a way to leave.

OP had a lot of courage to post the details of the abuse on here and that was your response because she didn't immediately leave.

Shame on you.

Your friendship with Ashley sounds confused. You seem confused. Why wouldn’t your husband be?

you are allowed to have any type of friend you want, as long as they are a good human, right?

if you’re honest with your husband, and include him, then that may ease his concerns?

why would he be going through your phone? Just because you’re a married couple, I don’t think it means that there’s an automatic right to each others phones. That said, you probably shouldn’t have anything to hide.

Have you read all the OP's posts or just the first one on this fairly long thread?

You’re right: I’m so sorry I didn’t see this thread.

if you do come back OP, I wish you well and hope that you can get some help. X

Your DH is wrong, he is awful, confide in more people. It is his job to treat you well. You don't need to keep his awful actions secret. Prioritise yourself over your DH. I sincerely hope he changes but seriously doubt it.

I understand that it is not easy to leave... but staying seems pretty damn hard too.

I have an H who has shown some awful behaviour recently, so I can sympathise. I also took him to relationship counselling etc. He is also very jealous of my friends. After the awful behaviour started, I eventually changed my mindset to believe that my priority and loyalty is to myself not to him.

I still meet my friends and tell them what is going on. There has been some positive change in him, but I do not want to be tricked. I can notice the negative effects on my health from the constant stress. I bet this is negatively affecting you too

MNHQ - can you do something so people can see this is a DV thread with an OP who needs sympathy and support? Gobsmacked by some of the horrific comments and assume people haven’t seen the context. The OP is in a dangerous situation under a lot of pressure and is doubting herself. She needs all the help she can get, not casual comments trying to shame her into isolating herself from her only trusted friend.

Wow this is terrifying, he is extremely abusive OP and you are making excuses for him. Even with months in between incidents this is so beyond normal. Honestly, most people never experience anything as bad as any of these instances in their whole relationship/lifetime.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please call woman's aid and talk to them. There are options available to you for sure.

I'm sorry but that is abuse and if you don't recognise it as such, you are kidding yourself.
Ashley isn't the problem, your husband is.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this OP!
Was there a particular reason you married so young? Thats the first thing that jumped out when I read your post!

Nah she needs to prioritise her safety and that of her baby.

No way would my DH tell me who I could be friends with
If he tried to I would consider separation

Such a valuable reply. If anything helps OP see the light, it will compassionate replies like this, not the lectures shouting at the proverbial horse to drink.

Exactly. The question was in her opening post and thread title. Was her friendship with Ashley inappropriate. Yes. Not a mention of abusive husband. Then came the drip feed about how awful her DH is.

Ashley is your rock as you’ve called him, and your confidant, it’s a long term emotional affair which has in the past led to sex and a deeper connection of the loss of a baby that you shared.

your husband is right to be concerned, you are ploughing far too much emotional energy into Ashley, it’s disrespectful to share all the arguments you and your husband have, with another man.

The fact that it’s all such a dilemma to you evidences which one you need in your life the most.

Oh no, a violent person never becomes non violent. Thr writing is on the wall. Violence. Controlling friendships. This isn’t going in the right direction.
I have lots of male friends and I have never once fancied them. I’d be furious if my husband said I couldn’t be friends with them any more. I wouldn’t let that lie. There’s nothing wrong with your friendship.
how has your relationship changed since the birth of your child? In what way has he changed? This is what is fuelling the issues here.