Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

Your husband is being a bit of a dick, but your friendship is inappropriate and possibly dangerous to your marriage, this especially is the case if you are letting off steam about marital arguments to Ashley. If damage to your marriage isn't a problem to you then continue, if it is then you need to reconsider.
Meanwhile 1) Why should your DH go through your phone - it's private. 2) Delete your phone history. (i.e. Belt and braces. If you also want a lifeboat you could have a separate 'Ashley' phone, but be aware that makes your friendship deeply suspect.)

Are you serious? Do you tell your girl friends about private stuff? How is that any different. What a strange viewpoint. That now you’re married, you can’t have a close relationship with someone else and have a confidant? Really?! What a bizarre way to live

An affair is not always physical. I understand people having different views regarding the male/female 'we are best friends' situation when they are both married with children. I would never tolerate my husband having this type of emotional relationship with another woman & I would never disrespect him by having this type of 'close friendship' with another man no matter how well we got on.There is always someone who ends up hurt with a feeling boundaries within the marriage have been crossed. It goes without saying marriage should involve trust. Trust is only maintained by being both physically & emotionally faithful. When you consider the 'friend' is someone you want to turn to & socialise with as a couple to the point the spouse is questioning it,this is when it becomes intolerable for the spouses not involved.

Please bear in mind that abuse victims often can’t recognise the abuse for what it is, sometimes doubting themselves for years afterwards. I’m frankly gobsmacked by the suggestion she is making it up to justify an inappropriate friendship. She’s more in denial about it than you are!

At least click the 3 dots and read all the OPs posts. The thread has moved on significantly.

Serious comment here, is it possible that you pick bad men? Your ex pushed you down the stairs and now you’re with someone who is physically threatening and potentially controlling and he didn’t even want to take you to hospital when you had a burst appendix? Are you sure you don’t have a need for counselling to see why you pick bad men?

Being a bit of a dick? Have you read the OPs posts. You can click the 3 dots to read them all

Are you serious? Invest in your marriage? She has a friendship. A friendship. It happens to be with a male friend. Invest in her marriage with someone who has been physically abusive to her. Who is controlling her friends. Who didn’t even go with her to hospital when her appendix was bursting. Why? Just why would you do that?

Separate the two issues .. Ashley ... Husband.

Ashley
Have you tried putting the relationship with Ashley more into a normal friend box? Not many people have more time (including brain time) in their lives for friends over their kids and spouse.

• Talk or text no more than once per week.
• Meet up no more than once per month, sometimes asking your spouses whether they'd like to join you.
• Send a Christmas greeting to their whole family.
• Send happy birthday greetings on social media or card.
• Invite friend and family to big celebrations like a wedding or 30th birthday etc.

Husband
Have some counselling with husband to explore whether he or you are suffering PTSD over deaths of children. Start again and have intimate, sharing conversations. Go on dates, discover a gentle way to communicate. Have on hand, in case of violence, numbers for womens' aid, your parents, local Police and local mental health. (not Ashley's number)
It might be that your marriage won't work but you can't rely on Ashley being the Knight in shining armour because that is unfair to his marriage and also keeps you from moving on independently.

I should add my apologies to the OP as for the first time owing to being busy I didn't read the updates. My initial post was more a general opinion. I have every sympathy for those who have marriage issues involving abuse & they are able to confide in people who can help.

One of my best male friends is the one that got away. We briefly had a convo about why? And we both agreed we were just too young at the time.

Please read the OP’s detailed descriptions of the actual violence (even if she is struggling to recognise it for what it is). Recommending going on dates isn’t appropriate given what she has said.

I really understand what you are saying but by not being honest with the therapist about the worst things doesn't give them the full picture. They will work and advise you differently. You are also depriving your DH from learning to change and are effectively telling him he doesn't need to. I know that you have subjects you have asked him not to share but the potential of violence is a direct threat to your marriage and possibly your life. There's a dynamic between you that could be improved and it could make all the difference, you owe it to both of you to get help to sort it out. It's understandable he's carrying around a large amount of hurt from the loss of your baby. He also might be feeling a bit pushed out by your attention being on your little one and then seeing you sharing emotions with another man is really upsetting him. If he's not taught how to channel his anger or communication to alleviate it, nothing will change. Violence tends to increase as does controlling. Before you know where you are, you will be isolated and feeling like it's all your fault. Set some boundaries and work on reversing it before it took late!

His opinion about what you did as a teen/pre marriage and pre-relationship with you is neither here no there. Its nothing to do with him.
He has no say in who you are friends with - he should not control you like that.
Im worried that you are isolated - you moved for him, things have changed for the worse, you are getting support from a friend and your husband has an issue with it. You are young and this can all take its toll on you. You have done nothing wrong. He needs to work on his own insecurities.

I've got chills reading this thread, and not in a good way. The more you say about your DH, the more I want to tell you to run away, fast and far. Men like this are always sorry. Until the next time. I think the recent film ‘it ends with us’ actually portrays this really well.
I hope sharing the following might help.
When I was younger, I lived with a man who started off lovely and as time went on became gradually more and more unpleasant.
I recently explained to a therapist I didn’t feel I could say it was ‘abuse’ because ex ‘only’ picked me up and held me by the throat or ‘only’ smashed down the bathroom door to get to me after I locked myself in there out of fear during an argument or ‘only’ smashed my phone up because I’d been texting a male friend, because I had a role to play in all of those things happening - I felt like it was my fault for having a male friend or it takes two to argue or I obviously hadn’t listened to him if he felt he had to pick me up to get his point through.
And you read threads on here of really nasty DV cases and think your situation wasn’t that bad.
My therapist made the point - whether he hit me or not or ‘only’ picked me up by the throat, your reaction is not much different to if it had been worse- you still get the physical reaction of increased heart rate, stress etc and the emotional damage (NOT downplaying the people who go through far far worse) and that if a friend had said to me that their partner had done the things to them that mine had done to me, what would my advice have been? To leave. So why on earth would I not apply that to myself.
Think about it OP. It’s hard to start again, or to feel like you’re ‘abdandoning’ or ‘letting them down’ your partner in this situation, but when did your needs matter less than theirs? You can start again.

and back to the actual point of the OP. No, I don’t think your friendship with Ashley is inappropriate.
I do think out respect to his wife you may need to reduce your interactions (even if the reason she dislikes you isn’t directly something you’ve done, I’m sure you’d feel pretty crappy if your DH mum said they thought he would have been better marrying someone else, especially if he still saw them) but I wouldn’t do it because your husband is having a hissy fit over it! (Usually I’d say respect your partner, understand where they’re coming from etc but in this instance he sounds like he’s just grabbed something to be horrid to you over and if it wasn’t that it would have been something else)

OH MY GOODNESS. That is so much worse than I had thought. Lady, that isn’t just a tiny bit abusive, he is a major bit abusive. I really, really think you need your own counseling. You are recreating the life that you grew up in. Please leave your husband and do counselling. I’m a counsellor and I’ll tell you what will happen if you don’t - your daughter will grow up exactly the same way. In 20 years time she will be in a violent relationship. Please break the chain - it doesn’t need to continue. You can end this pattern of behaviour now. I’m certain you wouldn’t want this for your daughter but that’s what you are creating for her here. You are replicating your home life (even if it was worse than yours is now, neither are normal). She will grow up with this and this will become her normal. She will then seek out her own abusive partner because that is what abused people do. It creates a chain or a cycle, a pattern of behaviour that re-creates ad infinitum. Only you can break this pattern of behaviour and allow her to grow up in a safe home. What happens when he gets angry with her when she’s a fiery toddler, or a stubborn and rude teenager. He will start doing what he’s done to you to her. I know it’s hard for you to see this but believe me this is what will happen. I see it every day and it’s so depressing when it’s so preventable. He hasn’t been abusive for a month. A month. That’s nothing. You need to leave before something happens to you, the child or both. And please spend a good chunk of time with a counsellor to break this pattern, if not for you but for your daughter.

OP, I agree with PPs, your husband is abusive. The incidents you describe are not minor. They way you excuse your husband is alarming. You need to leave. It will be better for you and better for your daughter. And DON'T STOP CONTACT with Ashley. He's been your rock for 11 years and you clearly need him at this moment.
You won't lose everything by leaving. You will still have your wonderful daughter (who will be happier without a father that swears at her), some very good friends to support you, and lots of time to rebuild your life (you're still in your twenties from what I have gathered).

This is typical behavior for abusers. It does make it harder to leave. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Your marriage doesn’t sound like a happy one and you do need to speak to someone, but I doubt Ashley’s wife’s dislikes you because she overheard someone say he should’ve married you, I doubt that’s all it is. If another woman was blowing up my husbands phone every time she had an argument with her husband and kept in constant touch with small talk- and thought of my husband as her rock- I’d be pissed off. That’s emotional energy that he should be putting into his marriage, not another woman. Just not sure you have a great deal of insight because you are likely too wrapped up in yourself.

To be fair I agree with this. I feel so sorry for anyone suffering abuse but I really don't think the best idea is to be confiding in another womans husband especially when there has been a previous relationship. OP & her DH are thankfully seeing a therapist. This is the person that should be the one they confide in both individually & together. It is pointless hiding issues or the therapy won't work to their advantage in order to save the marriage.

@Rosegarden47 I strongly suggest you start a thread about this in the relationships section. I often find in AIBU you get a lot of weird responses towards stuff like this.

IMO you should not cut out Ashley. Pregnancy is one of those times when abuse can start, I think if your husband has changed and been physically scary toward you since you got pregnant/gave birth you should be really aware of this fact and on your guard.

I haven't read all your responses but I read up to the one where your appendix was bursting and your husband wouldn't take you. He sounds abusive to me (physically scary and controlling since the baby), and the "men only want one thing" sounds like projection.

On top of that I see you have been in abusive relationships in the past, altogether with what you've said about your husband makes me quite concerned about you and your child. I think you need genuine support from people in the relationships board.

I worry your husband will escalate his behaviour if you do not capitulate to his demands, or you ending up with no real support network. Do not allow him to cut you off from your solid lifelong friend, control you, or scare you. That is not what a healthy relationship with a caring spouse looks like 💐

I also think its really important to point out that you haven't done anything wrong, this is not your fault. It's really hard to see when you are on the inside of a relationship like this.

Edit: You being afraid of your husband seeing your phone is because he will see that you have told someone about his abusive behaviour - again you haven't done anything wrong here, in fact you have absolutely done the right thing in telling someone about it! Your husband is in the wrong entirely, do not allow people here to tell you you are doing something wrong by disclosing that, they are wrong!

Pherian: What a terrible comment. OP has had a hard life so far and sounds like a lovely person doing her best for her daughter and loves being a mom. She hasn't had healthy relationships modeled and doesn't have a safety net to fall back on. Plenty of women here with more independance and age, (Some without small kids to look after) have a very hard time leaving.)

they got together after a drunken night, both agreed it shouldnt have happened so no real attraction to each other but they were more friends and stayed that way after, it doesnt mean that they are attracted to each other now.

@Rosegarden47 Ok read the rest of your posts.

You are being abused by your husband. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It will not get better. Counselling with your abuser is not recommended, if you can you need to see someone on your own and lay it all out for them - it is not disloyal to do this, you need to protect yourself and your daughter.

Please if you are not already get on some form of birth control, do not run the risk of getting pregnant again.

Being a victim of abuse is so complicated especially with children in the mix but you really do need to leave your husband. He will continue to control and abuse you, coercing you into sex is also abusive.

Another thing to consider is that abuse becomes a cycle, so for your daughters sake as well as yours you really need to access help and support. If you continue down this path your daughter will repeat the cycle because her relationship model will also be an abusive one.

I am not saying this to upset or shame you, I have been in abusive relationships before and its so hard to see it for what it is when you come from an abusive home and have had abusive relationships.

Please take care of yourself and reach out for help