Do I tell the ex's wife what he's really like?

[Unknown1111]

So long story short. I have two DD 12 and 10 with ex - we have seperated over 6 years officially but we were done at least 3 years before that largely due to ex infidelity and screwing me over money/business.

Fast forward to today we have both remarried and had more children.
ex is always difficult and has always made issues of everything - hiding actual income ( we started a business together which he is director of and it makes millions) so CM is low in comparison.
childcare arrangements are always based on his needs and will canx last min if something more important comes up. But the main crux is if he can't do something ie collect DD because one has a sniffle for example he will ALWAYS call me (I shouldn't answer I know) and start a conversation to attack me and goade me about how shit of a mum I and that I dnt care about DD and I would send them illness or not. I know this sounds like a non issue but he triggers me because he was like this in our marriage - everything was my fault when it went wrong.
Anything positive was down to him.
it's now showing with our DDs. And it triggers me.

His mrs is really good to my girls but I know he puts me on loud speaker shows my messages to her when we argue (no doubt making me to be a crazy bitch which is why he left me according to her).
im so sick of just accepting what he says to me for the sake of the girls and he still ends up being father of the year that can't do wrong in DDs eyes as I hide the shit he gives me. Literally.

Im so tempted to get my back and just list chronologically with evidence the facts of our marriage and divorce and after to his Mrs so she understands to some extent what a prick he is to me. I know I shouldn't and will make no difference and I will look like the crazy bitch but I just want to cause shit in his life like he does to me just by triggering me as he used to when I was married to him. I'm petty I know but after almost 10 years of covering his shitty behaviours I'm done because nothing changes and he seemingly has just got away with his shitness .

OP clearly you have big issues if your current husband also thinks you're angry and you have problems with him.

Could you be focusing on this as a bit of a distraction from the issues in your current marriage? (Whether a legal marriage or not)

I think you need to disassociate. Don't answer the phone in the situations you mentioned, when he's struggling to pick the kids up. Don't engage with him - if he wants to go on about you being a bad mother, or whatever, don't reply to those messages, and if on the phone say, "this conversation isn't productive, goodbye" and hang up.

You need to stop giving him rent-free space in your head. He's able to control and manipulate you at the moment; you can't control his behaviour but you absolutely can disengage.

Yes!

There is no way to spin those answers. I also like

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roger that
10-4

Would hundy p be going too far?

Me too 😂

I’d have sacked my lawyer the minute they suggested that as an option.

Your ex is a narcissist. You are doing the right thing by not telling the children sadly they will see for themselves one day .
The new wife won’t care and it won’t change anything anyway so it’s a complete waste of time . There are some useful books and online therapist about coparenting with a narcissist. To be clear you are under financial abuse ( now classed as non violent domestic abuse) and post separation abuse . I experienced something very similar for years. It’s frustrating and there are no winners, but stay cool.
I hope you can get some advice and support . There are actually some great things on Instagram if you don’t have the money or resources to see someone regularly who can help. Sorry I know how stressful it is, how much energy it takes up and how much anxiety it causes . He’s a piece of work but remember he is not a happy person . You can be and keep being a great mum by protecting your the kids . Sending love x

Don’t do it but DO work with a coach to help turn this on him. Ie the coat. Let him buy it and then pay him half instead of allowing him the pleasure of denying you money he promised you.

Let it go. Don't speak to him. Set up arrangements and ignore phone calls. Block him if necessary. He can email. You are happy with someone else, what happened in your other marriage is water under the bridge and is spoiling your life now. Cast it on the waters and forget about it.

First, I’m sorry to hear what a (insert a bunch of swear words) your ex has been. You didn’t deserve that.

Second, I would look at therapy. He’s Winding you up because he can. Because you left him and made him look bad. So he will try to make it look like you were the bad one. His Mrs won’t believe you so save your breath. It might give you some confidence. Why not even look at setting your own business up again?

Third, I’d keep as much to text/email. If he says he can’t have the girls, tell them to call him to talk to him. You can’t protect them forever . He knows he can behave this way as you’ll cover. That’s not your job. And things like the coat- don’t even ask him. Just do it yourself or tell your daughter you can’t afford it right now. There are parenting apps that might be worth looking at. I was told by my solicitor I only need one form of communication open.

Fourth, grey rock him. Only talk about what you have to. If he calls and looses his temper, you essentially just say “okay” . He wants a reaction. You just say “okay” .

And lastly, you don’t have to deal with him more than minimum. Text when you can and if he doesn’t reply, he doesn’t reply. Always have a back up. Like I said with the coat, you’ve asked him, he’s not been direct, so you buy it or tell daughter to wait.

Don't do it. But record and archive every conversation from now on diary + phone app. At some point this information will come in useful, but not now as you seem to realise at the moment perception will beat truth.
Good luck 👍

@Unknown1111 I'm pretty sure she knows exactly what his behaviour is like. He won't have changed because he remarried. Don't tell her anything.

You just seem vindictive to be honest.

The new wife is nothing to you. What you need to focus on is the gaslighting of you to your children and open their eyes.

She’s a woman who’s been abused and had her livihood and business stolen from her. Of course she feels aggrieved, anyone would.

His current wife probably knows you're telling the truth. However she can't come out and say it, can she?! She's probably staying with him for the kids or whatever.

I had a warning from an ex wife. I knew it was true. I couldn't exactly agree with her though due to the relationship I was in! I just thanked her for the information.

“hiding actual income ( we started a business together which he is director of and it makes millions) so CM is low in comparison.”

Mmm… this is all a matter of public record at companies house, so not sure what is being hidden and why you are not approaching the CMS about it.

Unless of course he has a point.

He’s still punishing you ! Don’t give him that power , just deflect any criticism of you ,laugh and just carry on with what you wanted to say . If he says he’ll pay half and doesn’t tell your child unless dad offers half the money you can’t have it at the moment , let him be the one to accept responsibility for false promises to your daughters . He is abusive!

Definitely not, it’s nothing to do with you ….move on

i am confused. You won’t let them go with a sniffle and he wants you to (I don’t see why they can’t go) but you told your daughter he doesn’t want them to go in case she makes the family ill?

Don’t do it. She will see it for herself in time. Maybe she will even reach out to you at some point and then you can say what you want to about him. If you reach out now, you will just look desperate and unhinged (and I know you are not at all).

There is one version of these men. They can’t do family life and they can’t take responsibility. My exH was like this. I manage his vile personality by minimal and business like communication only. He still insults me (I received a barrage of messages on NY day to tell me what a terrible human I am), but I don’t give him the response he wants. They feed off the energy they get when you respond. Don’t give it to them.

My child reports back all that goes on in my ExH’s new home. He abuses his new partner terribly. The same personal attacks and shouting in her face that I used to receive. She has threatened to call the police if he touches her again, but it hasn’t happened yet. Soon the children will be old enough to call the police when he does this to her.

Just give it time. The new wife will reach out to you. I’m expecting it soon.

Why not just reference details of the stealing etc in a low key, calm and factual way when you’re on loud speaker. Make sure it’s super calm and give details and facts - zero emotion and judgement and it’ll sound believable.

He's a narcissist, speaking from experience you'll have been made out to be such a psycho to his new partner that they won't believe you. I tried to warn his now ex after me not to have a child with him and don't trust him financially. And now she's suffering the consequences after he ran off days after her baby was born. She didn't believe a word I said, yet she was a lovely person and kind to my kids and always tried to push him to see them more but there was always an excuse. I eventually grey rocked him and he gave up, also gave up on kids too but that was before I decided to give him zero headspace anymore. It will not be worth it and only prove him s narrative he has fed his new victim

Some people just genuinely bring the worst out in each other

you’ll look nothing more than bitter ex

more than likely he’ll be completely different with her

I will also say that my 2 eldest who are my ex's realised pretty quick that he only cared about them when he wanted to show off to a new woman. As soon as his feet were under the table he dropped them, over and over again for a couple of years before they said they don't wanna see him. My eldest (now 19, was 7 when we split) absolutely hates him with a passion, although him and his dad had a complex relationship to begin with.