Do I tell the ex's wife what he's really like?

[Unknown1111]

So long story short. I have two DD 12 and 10 with ex - we have seperated over 6 years officially but we were done at least 3 years before that largely due to ex infidelity and screwing me over money/business.

Fast forward to today we have both remarried and had more children.
ex is always difficult and has always made issues of everything - hiding actual income ( we started a business together which he is director of and it makes millions) so CM is low in comparison.
childcare arrangements are always based on his needs and will canx last min if something more important comes up. But the main crux is if he can't do something ie collect DD because one has a sniffle for example he will ALWAYS call me (I shouldn't answer I know) and start a conversation to attack me and goade me about how shit of a mum I and that I dnt care about DD and I would send them illness or not. I know this sounds like a non issue but he triggers me because he was like this in our marriage - everything was my fault when it went wrong.
Anything positive was down to him.
it's now showing with our DDs. And it triggers me.

His mrs is really good to my girls but I know he puts me on loud speaker shows my messages to her when we argue (no doubt making me to be a crazy bitch which is why he left me according to her).
im so sick of just accepting what he says to me for the sake of the girls and he still ends up being father of the year that can't do wrong in DDs eyes as I hide the shit he gives me. Literally.

Im so tempted to get my back and just list chronologically with evidence the facts of our marriage and divorce and after to his Mrs so she understands to some extent what a prick he is to me. I know I shouldn't and will make no difference and I will look like the crazy bitch but I just want to cause shit in his life like he does to me just by triggering me as he used to when I was married to him. I'm petty I know but after almost 10 years of covering his shitty behaviours I'm done because nothing changes and he seemingly has just got away with his shitness .

You have to stop speaking to him on the phone.

He will never stop treating you in the same way he did in your marriage. My ex was the same. Shouted, swore called me all the names under the sun and I would lose my shit because I was who the fuck do you think you are.

So I stopped speaking to him on the phone. Ignored every ranting, abusive message, didn't argue over money, access anything.

It was my husband who made me open my eyes that I would never allow him to speak to me like that. I would never speak to him like that and that we actually needed jack shit of him to provide for my daughter

And if I really was raging I would type out what I really wanted to say in my notes and either ignore him until he text back in a calm way or respond with either things Fine, Yes, No, etc. Nothing more than a few words and my messages were as if I was texting a colleague. Short to the point and no emotion

She won't give too shit what you have to say so don't give away that level of access to your internal feelings they don't deserve them.

But you can’t have that, OP. He is how he is. You can’t alter his behaviour. All you can do is change how you behave, and your mindset around him.

The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

Approaching his new wife will give him credence that you are the psycho-bitch.

When he triggers you in her presence then just laugh and walk away. You are the one that needs to change how you react and I promise you that will annoy him more when he sees you are not stepping up. He is a bully.

What he is doing sounds like reactive abuse, and he does it because it triggers you.
You cant change him. You can only change how you feel about his behaviour and how you react, so do a good thing for yourself and seek therapy this year. You don't have to live with him having such a hold over you.

You are just entering into a he said she said by doing this. Of course he will make himself seem perfect and of course his wife will believe him so what are you actually trying to achieve.

You had it right when you said you should just not answer the phone. Grey stone and low contact as much as you can. You are letting him get to you, he knows it and will continue so remove yourself from the situation.

Also if he is “literally giving you shit” this is disgusting and you have a bigger problem. If not don’t be in a situation to verbally receive anything.

The thing is he's still using you as his punch bag. It's not your fault obviously but you can learn not to let him get to you. Once you learn to take your emotional response out of it you take most of his power over you away.

no.

he might be a completely different person with her. sorry x

Gosh what an a hole he is

You say he’s a millionaire but pays you next to nothing? What a disgusting man

Id love to tell his wife what an a hole he is however I suspect she will already know!!!

Regarding how triggered he gets you, I'd strongly suggest therapy. Haven't rtft but I think you'd benefit massively and they can suggest neutral ways of dealing with him/keeping the kids from getting hurt by proxy. I can see you're just venting and weren't likely to go through with it, but from experience, therapy will help you handle these heavy feelings. It got me through a family thing that was triggering me and the change was hugely helpful.

You need to do it to them. He is letting her down and you need her to know that.

You’re not rubbish - he is. Sounds like he’s a bit of a narcissist & is punishing you for leaving him. I understand why you spare your DDs feelings, but it’s his behaviour hurting them - you could phrase it diplomatically/factually maybe, but I fully understand why you don’t want to damage their relationship with him. It sounds trite, but you being happy will wind him up the most. If you can, ignore his calls like another poster said & just give basic, dispassionate replies. Good luck, you deserve it 👍🏽

Stop.The.Phone.Calls. Brief texts only for logistics questions, no other contact. If he calls, don't answer. Text back only required information. Nothing else ever. He messes with your head because you let him. Also, you need to talk to a good trauma counselor. It is obvious from your responses here that you have not moved on, because you continue to let him manipulate you, anger you, frustrate you, etc. A good counselor can help with that.

I blocked my ex on WhatsApp and phone, and now only communicate via email. I never, ever respond to criticisms or sniping or ‘helpful’ parenting suggestions. Short factual responses on genuine questions related to kids only. It was 100% the right thing to do and he rarely now bothers with the snipey messages, whereas it used to be daily and sometimes many many messages a day.

I remember this. I think the universal reply was ‘ok, let me know how that goes’.

It’s so common to split up with a partner we can’t get on with, only to find we still hit the same problems when co-parenting.

It’s vital to set boundaries and put the interests and preferences of kids first.

If your DDs are too ill to go to their dad’s, and don’t want to go, then you should tell him that. He should understand. He can’t enter your home and drag them out. If they’re ill and want to be with him, but he’s worried about his other kids catching it, he should explain to you (and them) why he suggests it’s best to leave it. And you should support that, rather than suggesting he doesn’t want to see them. It’s perfectly reasonable to avoid infecting two homes.

If his tone or way of speaking triggers you, I suggest you avoid calls and keep yourself to very minimal and mature messages. Grey rock, as some folk call it. Don’t message when you’re stressed. Before you send every message imagine what everyone you know would think if they read it. For your kids’ sake, continue to adapt, and not make them aware, if he messes you or them about. Kids should be shielded from warring, unreliable or abusive parents. They’ll no doubt make their own minds up when they’re adults or you can explain it to them calmly when they’re older.

If it helps you get through it, given your kids’ ages, they’ll soon be teenagers and able/entitled to decide (within reason) for themselves when and how they spend time with each of you. And will communicate and make arrangements with their dad directly via their own phones. In a few years, they’ll be adults and you’ll have less need to communicate with him at all (barring any serious worries etc).

He sounds just like my son's dad and I've gone through what you're feeling and spoke to his new partner - and it didn't make a difference at all other than make me look dumb and spark further retaliation from him. She is probably so besotted by him she won't leave him - plus he has likely done a very convincing job of making you look like the crazy one like you said. His partner has never seen the really awful side of him likely, she probably couldn't fathom that he could be so much of an arsehole. I remember when I was with my ex, he was the sweetest person other than the cheating. I would never have imagined him to turn out like he has because we were in love - at least for a bit. This is the side that everybody else is seeing and your words will do nothing but further illustrate how crazy you are lol.

Mine pays via CM - £60 p.m. I don't ask for help for other bits, I gave up and gives him some kind of power over me.

It sounds cliche but focus on making yourself better, earn more, healthier etc and you will care less and less. His behaviour may get better in time.

Good luck!

Awww OP, I’m so sorry, please know you are not alone. It’s sooo hard to live with the injustice of it all. Make Miracles in 40days by Melodie Beattie tells a similar story to yours (at back of the book if you’re interested) to be lumped in with a narc for 10,20 years is depressing. Narcissists are hiding everywhere- well done for getting out and having a good relationship with your husband. Good luck x

He knows exactly what buttons to push, what threads to pull to get you upset and agitated.

Minimise his effect on you.

Don't answer the phone or leap to reach his texts etc if the children are not with him. This will mean he must leave messages.

Keep them all. Your children may need to see/hear them when they're old enough to understand the reality of your experience with him V. his tales.

Only look at his messages at times convenient to you.

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Keep your communications short, factual and childcare related.

Avoid emotion-led reactions and go to bland, dull responses.

'OK.'
'Let me know how that goes.'

He'll soon get bored when he's not getting his food.

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Messaging her will feed right into his likely 'my crazy ex' narrative.

Either she'll find out what he's like ... Or she already knows.

Keep. Out.

Might be fun and somehow empowering to compile a whole list of these that you could take turns in using. E.g.

Righto,
If you say so
Big thumbs up
Okey-dokey
Right you are

Yes, tell her.

Hold people accountable for their actions.

Don't hide your exes behaviour from your daughter's. If he's now back tracking on buying your daughter a £100 coat, be honest with her 'I'm sorry, but Dad now can't afford to go halves with me'. If he cancels then say 'I'm sorry but Dad has cancelled, I'm not sure why, you'd need to ask him'. I understand you want to protect your daughter's from his behaviour, but by doing so you're enabling the 'Disney Dad' facade he's trying to portray. You can't protect them forever, they are getting older, and have more understanding. As others have said block him and use a Parenting App. Don't answer his calls, use email or the App. Everything then is logged. Be neutral, calm, polite and 'grey rock'. Seek some counselling, if he is triggering you that much. Don't, whatever you do, contact his wife - you will play straight into his hands as the 'nutty ex wife'!!