Do I tell the ex's wife what he's really like?

[Unknown1111]

So long story short. I have two DD 12 and 10 with ex - we have seperated over 6 years officially but we were done at least 3 years before that largely due to ex infidelity and screwing me over money/business.

Fast forward to today we have both remarried and had more children.
ex is always difficult and has always made issues of everything - hiding actual income ( we started a business together which he is director of and it makes millions) so CM is low in comparison.
childcare arrangements are always based on his needs and will canx last min if something more important comes up. But the main crux is if he can't do something ie collect DD because one has a sniffle for example he will ALWAYS call me (I shouldn't answer I know) and start a conversation to attack me and goade me about how shit of a mum I and that I dnt care about DD and I would send them illness or not. I know this sounds like a non issue but he triggers me because he was like this in our marriage - everything was my fault when it went wrong.
Anything positive was down to him.
it's now showing with our DDs. And it triggers me.

His mrs is really good to my girls but I know he puts me on loud speaker shows my messages to her when we argue (no doubt making me to be a crazy bitch which is why he left me according to her).
im so sick of just accepting what he says to me for the sake of the girls and he still ends up being father of the year that can't do wrong in DDs eyes as I hide the shit he gives me. Literally.

Im so tempted to get my back and just list chronologically with evidence the facts of our marriage and divorce and after to his Mrs so she understands to some extent what a prick he is to me. I know I shouldn't and will make no difference and I will look like the crazy bitch but I just want to cause shit in his life like he does to me just by triggering me as he used to when I was married to him. I'm petty I know but after almost 10 years of covering his shitty behaviours I'm done because nothing changes and he seemingly has just got away with his shitness .

I agree. I don’t think it’s just the dad being difficult here, I think the mum is addicted to the drama. Move on OP.

Great advice. Just say OK then bye must go now and hang up.

I bet she knows anyway. A genuine prick can't hide it for years. Enjoy your new life. Don't feed his fire.

Grey rock. Stop talking to him on the phone. Just email or text only. Whatever nonsense he comes up with just reply with "grand". And ignore ignore. She won't believe you, and at the moment you're playing right into his hands anyway.

This is all you have to do. If he cancels, you just say "cool, let the girls know". If he doesn't and they are sitting there waiting, you tell them you don't know whats happening and to call him.

Stop covering up for him.

Don’t do this. Somehow, you’ll be made out as the ‘crazy one’ who probably just wants him back. She’ll find out eventually.

The best way to deal with his continued abuse is to not let him do it anymore. Definitely refuse to speak to him via phone - you don't need his voice in your head. All communication can be done via text, emails etc. That gives you time to compose a minimal, non-emotional response. He wants to wind you up so stop letting him do that! You're playing into his hands and he's laughing at how easy it is for him to upset you and paint you as the crazy ex-wife.

You need to move on, it’s as simple as that. Don’t let him see you eaten up with bitterness, being too focussed on what he is doing, judging his behaviour, his decisions, etc….. The best way of putting two fingers up to a failed relationship is to get on and enjoy every aspect of your new life, with your new partner. Maintain a cool, arms length, selective communication mode with your ex for your children’s sake, but try not to weaponise decisions taken about them.

Its not hard to do this if you really want to and focus away from him, don’t rake up the past, it’s gone. Become a new person, a new woman, embrace your new life, shed the baggage in all but access for your children. You don’t need therapy or counselling if you are strong enough to set and keep goals, but it’s back up if you can’t let go.

You don't need to do anything, eventually he'll do something shitty to her as well.It might not be stealing money or cheating, but something shitty because that's what he does.
You should stop thinking about though put the energy into good things for you.

I’ve only read the OP’s posts but there was a thread here recently where a woman was dealing with this rubbish by every time her exDH threatened something or said something ridiculous her response was ‘Thanks. Let me know how that goes’ and NOTHING else. I thought that was brilliant. What he did to your DD about the birthday was really mean to both you and her but a response of ‘no worries’ or something similar would take the wind out from under him. And then don’t tell the kids - if he shows up they’re none the wiser, and if he doesn’t, then they’ve the same level of disappointment as they would if you’re feeding into his BS. Either way, he’s not winning.

How old are the DD's? I'd be tempted to not reply and ask them to phone Dad as he wants you to change plans with them,

Age appropriate truth is what they need.

Why are you still giving him so much energy? Let it go - arguing with him, detailing his behaviour (from your pov), engaging in any way at all with him just all sounds a nightmare. You will not 'win' or be proved right which is what it sounds like you want.
About 2 years I just stopped all attempts from my ex to engage in giving him attention/row he wanted. I don't reply unless it's about contact it's great and even though people still now think he was the good guy - I know the truth and won't waste my time proving it.

'I know I shouldn't and will make no difference and I will look like the crazy bitch'

There's your answer!

You've just to let it go and practice not giving a shit. Why do you need to feel vindicated? Especially to new wife. Who cares what she thinks.

Daughter will almost certainly realise what he is like as she gets older and the more rational and calm and stoic you are in the face of his goading, the more she will respect you for it. Look up going Grey Rock and practice!

I've been wronged before, too. Not like this, but I've been wronged and hurt.. a few times.

In all the cases I too thought I was "over it" and "moved on" but I wasn't.

You've not really moved on or dealt with it until you honestly don't really care if they get their supposed "comeuppance" or not .

Thankyou everyone for your responses. I think I just needed to vent. Yes it's a cycle I haven't completely broken out of. I feel so rubbish.

I have been going through this with my ex and a long and difficult divorce.

He is very manipulative and I know he presents a different face to others than the true one I see.

I have felt desperate to tell everyone the ‘truth’ - but he is so much better at this game than me that I know it will never work.

At first I was desperate to tell him the truth - that I saw through him and knew what sort of person he really was. But he has some narcissistic tendencies and so will never be able to think badly of himself. I guess I have given up on this.

i am however stuck on wishing to let some of our mutual friends know. I’m sure he has twisted the truth and I feel they have continued to think he has been hard done by because he plays the victim so well.

This is a me problem and I am trying so hard to change my thinking. I know I have a hang up about fairness and I’m sure that is part of it.

i have endless conversations in my head with these people where I show them the actual texts which would prove what a liar he is. I know this will probably never happen.

I am in the very enviable position that my Dc are grown up.

The divorce was finalised a few months ago. The last contact I had with him was 6 weeks ago. Everytime he contacted me it was so so triggering (I understand this is the result of years of emotional abuse).

He would write/say something untrue/manipulative/vindictive and I would then become defensive and try and explain that I wasn’t being the nasty one. But he didn’t care - he just enjoyed winding me up. Truth and fairness just don’t matter to him.

i have been advised to grey rock and I have mostly done this. There are very few emails/texts from me to him that are not polite, calm and considered. He has no factual ammunition to smear my name with. He still does but it’s by twisting the truth.

So as everyone is saying, grey rock is the only way to go. When I find myself ruminating on the injustice of it all I remind my self that there are things that upset/annoy him.

The failure of our marriage and the fact it was me that wanted to leave - has dented his image of himself as a wonderful person. He also has had to share “his” assets (they were our assets). But when the money hits my account every month, I know this hurts him.

Is there anything in your situation you can do to help you reframe your frustration/anger that he ‘is getting away with it’?

Last ref your DD - of course your ex will be manipulating her - that’s who he is. Tell her the truth, but in a factual non moaning way. It’s a hard fact but she needs to be allowed to realise what he’s like in her own time. Depending on her age - you may have to suck this up for a long time.

I so understand the triggering. I have felt so much better in the last six weeks since contact stopped. I know this is impossible for you. I’ve actually been in the situation where I asked a friend to read an email from my ex (I was too anxious to read it myself). She did and just said “it’s just a rant - you don’t need to read this”

Think of ways you can to reduce the amount of contact with him and ways to reduce your emotional response (easier said than done). Write them down and NEVER respond immediately.

i now think of my ex as an argumentative clown.

im sorry this is such a long post. IJust wanted to let you know I understand how difficult this is. My therapist would tell me that my reaction was perfectly normal considering what he had put me through. I hope everyone’s advice helps you find a way forward.

Don't do this. It won't end well for you. I can understand your frustration and anger though. Is there any way you can get counselling?

Text/ email only.

Write arsey reply to any mad messages then delete- this is what a thumbs up is for.

Practise a standard reply, make it sound as woke as possible (that will annoy him) to use if you do find yourself getting angry/ upset- and use it- something like “Thank you for your views, I’m feeling a lot of negativity now so I am ending the conversation.”

The bit about the illness does sound a bit combative, I’d probably have said something like “As you’re ill we’re going to leave it this week, but you’ll obviously see him soon.” Honestly after a winter of bugs I can understand not wanting to catch anything more but I know it must be a pain for you.

I mean this in the nicest way possible but you do your husband a massive disservice by allowing your ex to dominate in your relationship by any degree. You are facilitating this madness, grey rock and stop engaging. Their opinions don’t matter, he’s not your family anymore your husband and your children are. You can’t change the past or what he’s done, stop fighting a battle that you don’t need to engage in. Stop giving him any control or insight to your life. Both yourself and your husband deserve better and only you have the power to stop it. From here on out stop answering his calls you never need to speak to him on the the phone ever again he doesn’t have that right.

Speaking from the perspective of his new wife I would divorce a man who is so drama orientated that he engages in these verbally abusive battles with his ex wife. In fact I wouldn’t have gone near him in the first place and would have dropped him as soon as I became aware of it if he’d managed to hide it well enough for me not to notice to begin with. I’m not stupid enough to not realise how much of a big red flag having a “crazy ex wife” is. I am aware there are difficult, malicious mothers out there but If he isn’t fighting for peace, civility and a strong co-parenting relationship with the mother of his children then he’s an absolute loser who doesn’t care about his kids wellbeing. I wouldn’t be within spitting distance of a man like that. It shows he has no respect for her either and he loves the drama and attention from you. She’s just too thick to see the disrespect from her end.

It saddens me that women have so little respect for themselves and continue to stroke the egos and facilitate these man tantrums from scum of the earth dads. Refuse to answer and only have grey rock communication by text. If he wants to be abusive then block him and let him take you to court for access which he won’t. He’s tight with his money and doesn’t care about his kids. It’s only a matter of time before he abuses his new wife if he doesn’t already. He’s not changed, he’s still seeking coercion, power and control. He will do it to her as well. Once an abuser, always an abuser they have brains that are dysfunctional and malformed. I wouldn’t be encouraging contact with an abuser at all. If he doesn’t want to have them, good. Allow access but don’t facilitate it personally yourself. Stop engaging with this cunt and live your new life away from pain and abuse. Break the cycle once and for all. He is literally shit on your shoe, prove it to yourself and your ex.

If it helps with your resolve, your ex will HATE not being able to goad you into ‘crazy’ behaviour. He loves winding you up on the phone then playing it to his wife to laugh at. Why give them free entertainment? The best revenge is to refuse EVER to speak to him. Get a parenting app or text only. If he calls, don’t even listen to messages, just text to say ‘we are using the app now’ or ‘can’t take calls, text only’. If you do message him - and remember that replying to texts/calls is your choice - , show the messages to your husband first to check the tone is suitably brief & disengaged - ‘ok’ ‘fine’ ‘Ok, let the girls know’. But I think an app is bettter. And do be careful with the girls. Don’t ever say he doesn’t ’want them’.

The bit about the illness does sound a bit combative, I’d probably have said something like “As you’re ill we’re going to leave it this week, but you’ll obviously see him soon.” Honestly after a winter of bugs I can understand not wanting to catch anything more but I know it must be a pain for you.

It should really be up to him to tell the children that.

If he is triggering you, you haven’t moved on.

I can't do that to them ....

You are doing nothing. He is. You are treating your kids as older kids which they are. And you are being factual not judgemental.
Don't get drawn into conversations with him. Don't answer the phone. Send him a message saying "can't talk please text" and then that at least gives you time to compose a response if needs be. Try neutral responses like.. "Ok" "thanks for letting me know" "noted" ... That sort of thing. Do not get drawn into passing messages on his behalf to kids, he can pick up phone and call them himself
DD is old enough to understand different parents different rules and also to have the basic facts eg. I can give you half the money, Dad needs to give the other half but hasn't yet. Or Dad is worried that you are ill so he'll talk to you about your visit.

And don't bother telling new wife any of this. She either won't listen or won't care or already knows. You gain nothing in any event. Unfortunately!

My nasty, manipulative, gaslighting, cocklodging fucker of an ex, who still owes me money, is now in a relationship with a woman I knew. A mutual friend tried to warn her about his absolutely horrible behaviour. The new girlfriend wouldn't listen. They're still together.
A long winded way to say, don't waste your breath. She won't listen.

Is that what you actually said to her?

See the crux of illness is when the girls 12 and 10 are unwell, they want to stay home but he insists (if he has plans with them) to send them even though they want me.

This holiday his whole family were away and came
back with a bug but he took the girls anyway for childcare I think and send them both back with bugs and infections where they spend the last week on sofa now his weekend has come around again where they are meant to be celebrating my Dd 10th birthday with his other DD 3 birthday (on same day) he is contesting even though he gave them the illness??

What do you mean he took the girls anyway for childcare? To help look after younger siblings?

Didn't the girls want to go? Did they protest and ask not to go?