Do I tell the ex's wife what he's really like?

[Unknown1111]

So long story short. I have two DD 12 and 10 with ex - we have seperated over 6 years officially but we were done at least 3 years before that largely due to ex infidelity and screwing me over money/business.

Fast forward to today we have both remarried and had more children.
ex is always difficult and has always made issues of everything - hiding actual income ( we started a business together which he is director of and it makes millions) so CM is low in comparison.
childcare arrangements are always based on his needs and will canx last min if something more important comes up. But the main crux is if he can't do something ie collect DD because one has a sniffle for example he will ALWAYS call me (I shouldn't answer I know) and start a conversation to attack me and goade me about how shit of a mum I and that I dnt care about DD and I would send them illness or not. I know this sounds like a non issue but he triggers me because he was like this in our marriage - everything was my fault when it went wrong.
Anything positive was down to him.
it's now showing with our DDs. And it triggers me.

His mrs is really good to my girls but I know he puts me on loud speaker shows my messages to her when we argue (no doubt making me to be a crazy bitch which is why he left me according to her).
im so sick of just accepting what he says to me for the sake of the girls and he still ends up being father of the year that can't do wrong in DDs eyes as I hide the shit he gives me. Literally.

Im so tempted to get my back and just list chronologically with evidence the facts of our marriage and divorce and after to his Mrs so she understands to some extent what a prick he is to me. I know I shouldn't and will make no difference and I will look like the crazy bitch but I just want to cause shit in his life like he does to me just by triggering me as he used to when I was married to him. I'm petty I know but after almost 10 years of covering his shitty behaviours I'm done because nothing changes and he seemingly has just got away with his shitness .

She will either believe you or she won’t. If she believes you, that’s because he’s already treating her the same now she’s married to him. If she doesn’t, it’s because he’s managing to continue to mask who he is with her and she believes you are the crazy one, this will just strengthen her belief that you are crazy, it won’t change her mind. But if she does double down on you being insane, it will make it harder for her to admit to herself the problem is him when the time comes that he stops hiding who he is from her.

There is no good outcome for you for this and most importantly, nothing you can do will improve her opinion of you.

stop answering his calls. Any text - stop reacting even if he triggers you, learn to give it a moment and before hitting send, imagine him reading it out, will it be proof of your insanity? Professional cold sounding messages only.

I told my DD who is ill and her bday weekend to celebrate with dad that dad said as your ill he doesn't want his family to get ill so he doesn't want you: and her face dropped. I can't do that to them

Oh and to add to above - if he’s already treating her badly and she’s planning an exit, her opinion won’t really matter for long as she’ll stop being part of yours /your DDs life soon.

either way, it doesn’t matter what she thinks of you.

She is married to him and has her own experience of living with him.

If she is happy and he is good to her, she isn't going to change her opinion of him just because your experience with him is different. You will just come across as a bitter, jealous, batshit ex-wife.

If she is unhappy with him, she will already know what he is like, so you don't need to tell her.

I was once very happy with my ex-husband. He was kind, loving and gentle. There was nothing he wouldn't do for me. We adored each other.

Then he feel out of love with me and - to me - became a different person. I didn't recognise him anymore. He was still a "good" person, but the generous, loving man had gone.

Of course, he hadn't changed really. He was the same man, he just didn't love me anymore. His new wife now has the man I once had. They love each other. Why should I want to spoil that, unless I feel bitter and jealous? Even when the pain of him leaving me for her was raw, I would not have said anything to her about it.

Maintaining my dignity was important. Twenty years later, I'm glad I let him go without drama. I feel nothing for him now and - as far as I am aware - they are still happy together.

Accept that he doesn't love you anymore and that affects your relationship. Also consider how your behaviour affects the dynamic in your relationship. The very fact that you feel the need to badmouth him to his wife suggests toxicity on both sides of your relationship with your ex-husband.

Leave their relationship alone and concentrate on being happy with what you have.

The one practical thing that will help in the short term is to never answer his calls and never call him. Only send and reply to texts if absolutely necessary.

Her face would have dropped anyway because you can't actually say anything other than blaming yourself why she can't go. They were the facts, he didn't want his family to get ill so cancelled.

You don't have to be mean about it but you are actually enabling them to be treated like crap by covering for him. You don't even have to be shitty about him, yes, they'll be upset but I am so over women covering for crappy men. I've done the same so no judgement - but I've recently stopped and he's actually been better because the kids are calling him out on it now.

i was doing this for my children - but after all that he came anyway. So they've gone and I look like the cow who said stuff which was not true?

he said to me in our marriage that by the time he's done messing with my head I'd be too f*ed up to want to be with anyone else and trust them.

It won't cause any shit for him, in fact you will make his life easier because you will have reinforced the image of you as a crazy eijit.
If you want to both irritate him and save your own sanity stop engaging in the bullshit. Don't get into back and forth, I'd reply with 'k' or thumbs up emojis where applicable and not reply at all as much as possible. Grey rock him, you know what he is like, the games he is playing and damage he is doing, you are never going to get justice or pay him back for what he is done. Knowing what he is doing and playing into it is self-sabatoge on your part (and I'm not at all dismissing how unfair it all is or how hurt you are and its human nature to want to expose the lies and manipulation ), the only control you actually have is to save yourself by dragging yourself out of the mire of shit, you can't control anything around him or her.

All i might be tempted with is to quietly say one day if you ever want a coffee there’s lots i could tell you. Then it’s up to her

I left him. I don't cause drama he does. I'm just fed up of it happening years after and so just want him to have some back.
if I wanted to cause drama I would have done when he was cheating on me with previous partners and I kept my dignity then didn't do anything but move my whole life away with my children and nothing else.
this is more to teach him a lesson than anything else because he still obviousky feels like he can say what he wants and do what he wants without any comeback.

Oh OP, I feel this deeply, I have suffered from post separation abuse. There are loads of good resources out there on how to deal with this but it's so hard!

Perhaps not saying anything then - does your DD have a phone? If he doesn't turn up she can phone him and ask why, just tell him to contact DD direct if he's not coming and then ignore.

Why are you arguing with him? You say you know if his wife heard your conversations or saw your texts she would think you are 'a crazy bitch'. So in fairness, you are being. The only way to take control back from him is not to argue. Don't rise to it. Calmly state facts. He is trying to make you angry. So don't let him. That's the only way to win.

I like the suggestion around the coat example - tell your daughter the truth. You don't have to get angry or slag him off. If he comes back for you complaining, then just calmly explain facts again - you did say you would pay for half the coat, you are now saying you won't. Once you pay me half as agreed I'll buy it for her. Hopefully your DDs will start to figure it out for themselves - ie he can't afford £50 but yet drives a beamer/goes on luxury holidays/eats out all the time, or whatever his lifestyle involves

As others have said, don’t answer his calls - text or email only.
Don’t rise to his criticism.

depending on the age of your child, can you explain ref the coat that you have transferred your half into their account to buy it, they now need to ask Dad to sort his. Keep it friendly, don’t slag him off. Just state facts, you’ve transferred, now he needs to.
If he calls you about it, ignore it. Text back with ‘can’t talk now, is everything ok’. If he moans about being asked ref the coat money, just ignore him, that is his problem, not yours.

I wouldn’t be answering any calls from him. There was someone on here posting about their ex not too long ago, and their standard reply was something like ‘let me know how that works out’ (others can probably remember it exactly) and I thought it was a great reply.

Unless it’s to do with your children you don’t need to listen to him.

I can imagine how unfair it all feels, I hate people who re write history to suit themselves and really struggle not to stick up for myself and correct them, but some people won’t listen so it changes nothing.

we started a business together which he is director of and it makes millions

Did he get the business in the divorce?

He said if I wanted the children I would have to give up any rights on the business. So yes. He got the business.

You need to take back the control he still has over you. You know you have an emotional response when you speak to him, so stop answering his calls. And stop trying to protect the kids from what he's like as I think that'll do them more harm in the long run.
He's clearly playing games based on the they can come/ can't come situation so play it better. Something along the lines of 'Dad says you won't be able to visit this weekend. That might change again though so let's get your bag ready either way' maybe. Allow a child appropriate level of seeing how unreliable he is rather than you needing to fabricate explanations for him every time.
They deserve to fully understand that the have a shit dad.

I told my DD who is ill and her bday weekend to celebrate with dad that dad said as your ill he doesn't want his family to get ill so he doesn't want you: and her face dropped. I can't do that to them

He doesn't want you

That was unnecessarily cruel wording if I'm honest.

Don't stoop to his level or you'll both end up fucking up your kid's mental health.

I agree you definitely should be honest about their dad, but please do watch the wording in future.

Bloody hell.p, I’m sorry, OP. Did you have a good lawyer? You could have had both.

Omg pls tell me you didn't say to your child that her dad doesn't want her ffs. That bloody unhinged and cruel. You could have easily told her the truth without sounding like a bitter ex

You will look like a crazy you know what if you do that.
Just sit tight, be the bigger person, and in the long run, his new wife and both of your girls will realise what he is like. Don't stoop to his level.

You tell your children the truth. I have a 10 year old and her dad promised her holiday, then bailed. You better believe I wasn't covering for him. Why? So her face dropped. You can't shield them from like, they are going to be disappointed and let down multiple times. Don't even think about messaging new wife, you will be a laughing stock and a common enemy, she will not believe you. You don't have to answer his phone calls. I had very hostile break up, my ex cheated, but now I have absolutely zero feelings for him, complete indifference, I wish him well tho. You on the other hand are consumed by your former relationship, I don't think you WANT to let go. Your girls at 10 and 12 know a lot more than you give them credit for. You have to let go before you ruin your marriage, as your ex is living in your head rent free. I couldn't be with a partner like that

Oh no you did not say that did you? That's awful.

(I shouldn't answer I know) and start a conversation to attack me and goade me

ABD EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU TAKE THE BAIT.

You said it yourself.

You are stuck in a hamster ball, keep acting the same and expect a different outcome.

I've missed that wording from OP's post. If that's what she said that I have lost all my sympathy for her.

You give him what he wants every time. He wants the reaction, he wants you to argue, or say something snide, or look obstructive.

He's an absolute shit, but you make him happy every time you let him get to you. Grey rock him instead, and that will piss him off.

I really hope you didn't say that to your daughter though, it would have been cruel and unnecessary.