Do I tell the ex's wife what he's really like?

[Unknown1111]

So long story short. I have two DD 12 and 10 with ex - we have seperated over 6 years officially but we were done at least 3 years before that largely due to ex infidelity and screwing me over money/business.

Fast forward to today we have both remarried and had more children.
ex is always difficult and has always made issues of everything - hiding actual income ( we started a business together which he is director of and it makes millions) so CM is low in comparison.
childcare arrangements are always based on his needs and will canx last min if something more important comes up. But the main crux is if he can't do something ie collect DD because one has a sniffle for example he will ALWAYS call me (I shouldn't answer I know) and start a conversation to attack me and goade me about how shit of a mum I and that I dnt care about DD and I would send them illness or not. I know this sounds like a non issue but he triggers me because he was like this in our marriage - everything was my fault when it went wrong.
Anything positive was down to him.
it's now showing with our DDs. And it triggers me.

His mrs is really good to my girls but I know he puts me on loud speaker shows my messages to her when we argue (no doubt making me to be a crazy bitch which is why he left me according to her).
im so sick of just accepting what he says to me for the sake of the girls and he still ends up being father of the year that can't do wrong in DDs eyes as I hide the shit he gives me. Literally.

Im so tempted to get my back and just list chronologically with evidence the facts of our marriage and divorce and after to his Mrs so she understands to some extent what a prick he is to me. I know I shouldn't and will make no difference and I will look like the crazy bitch but I just want to cause shit in his life like he does to me just by triggering me as he used to when I was married to him. I'm petty I know but after almost 10 years of covering his shitty behaviours I'm done because nothing changes and he seemingly has just got away with his shitness .

You are still giving him power over you, think how happy you are in your relationship and how happy you are to have got rid of him and smile at his jibes. If he refuses to pay half for the coat reply in a way the wife will see that you and your DD are very disappointed that he cannot afford it.

The best way you can "teach him a lesson" is to do as other posters have suggested. Keep contact to a minimum. Message instead of speaking on the phone. Don't rise to the bait when he pisses you off. Accept that you don't like each other.

Badmouthing him to his wife is pointless for the reasons I gave in my previous post. It won't make you feel better.

If he treats her well and they are happy, she will think you are batshit jealous. If he treats her badly, she already knows what he is and what she chooses to do with that knowledge is none of your business. Either way, she won't thank you.

Keep out of their relationship.

The biggest ‘f you’ you can give to this man is to live a happy life unaffected by his bullshit. You are being triggered because you are reliving the injustices of his past behaviour in the here and now alongside new instances of shitty behaviour. Tell his wife or not, it won’t change the past or him and this is energy you are choosing to spend on an ex who is unworthy of your headspace.

Please choose to know your truth, the truth, and accept that others may be fooled by his good guy act or sob story but be proud that you see the real person behind the facade. Step back from his verbal contact, stop playing his games and regain your power over your own emotional wellbeing.

It does sound like you are too involved in all the drama too @Unknown1111

First and most obviously, stop answering the phone. Tell him to text or email you.

Secondly, stop being the middle man between him and the kids. Get them a basic nokia phone they can call/text their dad on - kid wants an expensive jacket? They need to ask dad for half.
Dad wants to cancel visit? He can call the kid/kid calls him to arrange.

No I'm not a cruel mum. I protect my children from his shit - he has said many shitty things about the girls to em in the past - you wanted them so they are your problem in times he didn't want to have them and I needed childcare help.
i told my daughter your dad said because your not well he doesn't you guys this weekend so his family don't get unwell. Was that cruel of me?

Well the ironic thing is eldest has a phone and the youngest whose birthday it is has an imoo watch where he can call her.

I really wouldn't. She won't believe you anyway and you'll just look more 'crazy ex' than ever. You sound like you just want to annoying your ex because he annoys you - getting into that kind of tit for tat game isn't going to help anyone, least of all your children.

If I were you I would keep communication with the ex to the bare minimum - text or email and only about the children. Don't respond to anything else and don't be drawn into arguments. Otherwise you are just giving him the satisfaction of knowing he's getting to you.

It was a complex case and I was told I could win but it would take years as he had hidden the business in the BritisVirgin Isles. And my children would be teens before I recouped anything. So I just cut my losses. To start again.

I have moved on. I dnt even give him a seconds thought until he contacts me for the girls and just his way of talking and deflecting really triggers something deep in me and the anger comes to the surface.

You haven't fully moved on because he can still trigger you so much. You haven't fully moved more control in this situation by choosing how to react to him. If it is too difficult for you to control your reaction some therapy can help.

Where is your new husband in all this? You haven't mentioned him.
Sometimes it works for new dh and exdh to be the ones who communicate re kids logistics. This way you don't have to deal with ex's bullshit and he may treat a man differently. Depends on the personalities involved but I've seen friends who have adopted this approach effectively.

Ahh man the damage is deep. I never truly dealt with his shit did I?

She doesn’t care.
Their relationship is none of your business.
Telling her with evidence will not improve the relationship.
There are apps for separated parents to communicate through if he’s being unpleasant.
This wouldn’t be the flex you think it is.

You probably should do. Cruel to be kind. If you want them to be able to spot a potentially horrible boyfriend before getting into a relationship with them, it could be useful to recognise that their dad is not the best man in the world.

My current husband is brilliant he wants the girls all the time but as he doesn't understand the back and forth and his opinion is the same as all above I'm not rising to it and I'm doing what he wants .

Depends how you said it.
'Dad thinks it's best if you stay home this weekend so you don't pass your illness onto your siblings' - fine
'Dad doesn't want his new family to get ill so he doesn't want you' - cruel.

If the kids have phones then why do you need to get involved in arrangements like this or in splitting money for the jacket - can you not just say, Maisie dad left me a message about your visit this weekend, can you call him and sort out arrangements?

You said he puts you on speaker phone in front of her and shows her your messages. So my advice is to try to be calm and reasonable in your communication with him, that way he can’t show that you’re crazy because you won’t be being crazy.

I’ve pressed the YANBU because I think your feelings are completely understandable and of course you want to rebalance things, especially in the eyes of your mutual daughters. You’ve done the right thing by coming in here, getting it off your chest, and letting MN help you gain some perspective.
If you really are the better person you’ll know nothing great will be achieved by stirring up shit and playing tit for tat (he’ll win that game however it plays out)
Best thing you can do is enjoy your life and relax in the knowledge he’s irritated not be able to wind you up.

He sounds bloody unhinged! And no you weren’t cruel to tell your daughter Dad doesn’t want the germs to spread.
It’s hard because of course you don’t want to upset your children - especially when it’s not down to your doing. But I guarantee they see him for who he is. Stay strong OP, keep your head held high, ignore his rants - if he wants an audience then he has his current wife for that. Reduce contact to written only. You owe him nothing except communication about your children, and that’s factual communications such as arrangements, not ranting and moaning because he’s an arse.
It’s hard being the bigger person but your kids will thank you for it - as will your inner peace

You really haven't moved on.

Can you access counselling for yourself?

NEVER talk to him. It's completely unnecessary.
Everything in writing via message or email.
This way, he cannot deny what he's said.

This is what my friend does with her ex. She simply never speaks to him except during pick up/drop off while the DCs are present.

Also you worry a lot about how you look to your daughters. If you stick to written communications that is shut down. If he has written that he won’t do something, you pass on the info and if he changes his mind you can just say ‘oh, not what he told me’ and shrug. It clearly has nothing to do with you that he’s an unreliable parent.

I do feel for you because the guy is clearly a crazymaker and a wrong 'un - to hide money from his daughters, ugh...

But in a few years, your girls will start to see through him. And when he's calling you crazy to them - because he will, if he isn't already - they will come to you, and you can say 'Yeah, I phoned his wife up and told her a few home truths!' or you can say 'Yeah, but I rose above it and did the next right thing.'

I do advise you to see a therapist if you can - they can help you work through these feelings and stay calm in the face of his needling. 🤗

Not voting because he's an arse and of course you want to protect your kids. But you have got to get smarter than this, because you and your girls are the losers and always will be if you don't. You are only protecting their hurt feelings in the moment. But you are allowing him to undermine your relationship with the girls by covering for him. And you aren't allowing yourself to heal.
I'll repeat the advice, do NOT answer the phone to him. Text or email only, then you have evidence, but more importantly, you can take time out before responding. So all your responses can be calm and reasonable. You know, if all he's doing is having a go, you don't need to respond. You can just say "Noted".

Honestly- men like him don't change. She will find out sooner or later when he does the same to her

Don't answer calls and texts. Use a parenting app to communicate.

The new wife won't believe you, she'll believe him. However he'll show his true colours to her eventually, if he hasn't shown glimpses already.