Do I tell the ex's wife what he's really like?

[Unknown1111]

So long story short. I have two DD 12 and 10 with ex - we have seperated over 6 years officially but we were done at least 3 years before that largely due to ex infidelity and screwing me over money/business.

Fast forward to today we have both remarried and had more children.
ex is always difficult and has always made issues of everything - hiding actual income ( we started a business together which he is director of and it makes millions) so CM is low in comparison.
childcare arrangements are always based on his needs and will canx last min if something more important comes up. But the main crux is if he can't do something ie collect DD because one has a sniffle for example he will ALWAYS call me (I shouldn't answer I know) and start a conversation to attack me and goade me about how shit of a mum I and that I dnt care about DD and I would send them illness or not. I know this sounds like a non issue but he triggers me because he was like this in our marriage - everything was my fault when it went wrong.
Anything positive was down to him.
it's now showing with our DDs. And it triggers me.

His mrs is really good to my girls but I know he puts me on loud speaker shows my messages to her when we argue (no doubt making me to be a crazy bitch which is why he left me according to her).
im so sick of just accepting what he says to me for the sake of the girls and he still ends up being father of the year that can't do wrong in DDs eyes as I hide the shit he gives me. Literally.

Im so tempted to get my back and just list chronologically with evidence the facts of our marriage and divorce and after to his Mrs so she understands to some extent what a prick he is to me. I know I shouldn't and will make no difference and I will look like the crazy bitch but I just want to cause shit in his life like he does to me just by triggering me as he used to when I was married to him. I'm petty I know but after almost 10 years of covering his shitty behaviours I'm done because nothing changes and he seemingly has just got away with his shitness .

thankyou

you can want that all you like. Nothing you do will achive it if he doesn't choose of himself to change. And sorry but clearly if you are saying this you haven't let it go.

And I want to win the lottery and look like Cindy Crawford in her heyday, but it’s never going to happen.

Realistically he’s not going to have changed his character. So he might be happily married now, but there’ll come a time when they’re having a rough patch and his true character comes out. You don’t need to try and convince her of anything; she’ll find out for herself eventually. Two of my exes nearly broke me. I’m now bloody grateful that they were as bad as they were, because if they weren’t, I’d still have been with them and wouldn’t have what I have now.

Your biggest issue is how to free yourself from his control. Firstly, you have to really believe it. It doesn’t matter how many children you have, how often he sees them or how much maintenance he pays; he absolutely cannot manipulate you unless you let him. And he gets such pleasure from doing that, so why would you let him? Personally I would block him and set up an email address specifically for him. And whenever he messages you, a standard reply of ‘I’ll let the DC know’ or ‘Your opinion is noted’ or ‘Thank you for your input’ or something equally as noncommittal is the only response to send him. It’s polite, to the point, cannot be criticised and, most importantly, will irritate him far, far more than anything else. If he’s just being an arsehole, do not respond. Go for a walk, punch a pillow, scrub the bathroom. Do anything but do not respond. Because he won’t even absorb what you say; he’ll just be taking pleasure that he’s wound you up. Take that control back from him. More importantly, with an email, you’ll have everything in writing. So when he cancels and then turns up an hour later, he won’t be able to deny having cancelled or make you look like a liar.

Unknown1111 · Today 11:05
I know it would achieve NOTHING she is living a good life with him but I know it will annoy him.

What will annoy him more is treating him as if he doesn’t matter.
He calls— don’t answer.
He badmouths you —- you yawn, say same old same old. Hang up.
Use text or email only.
Don’t engage with him beyond absolute necessity.

Speaking to his current wife ( as I like to refer to my ex husband’s subsequent wives) will achieve nothing except making you look crazy.

@WilfredsPies that’s great advice which has worked for me. I’ve scrubbed the bathroom many a time haha!

No, don’t reveal stuff from the past. It will reflect badly on you.

But, as from today going forward, stop hiding stuff from the girls. Eg, sorry DD, it will take a bit longer for me to save the full amount for your new coat as dad suddenly can’t afford to pay half.
And, if they ask questions, answer truthfully but not vindictively where you can.

Finally, stop taking his calls. You are enabling him to trigger you. So put a stop to it for everybody’s sake.

I expect she knows what he’s like, or will do in the future. People don’t really change.
Perhaps write down what he has done wrong and keep hold of it. Having it written down may help and knowing it’s there and you coulD pass it on to his ex in the future if you still feel the same way:

😂😂
Random generator to pick which one

Don't give him the ammo to show you up to his new wife. He will do that himself in time. Tell your daughter you can't afford the whole cost of the new jacket and to ask him again for his share when she visits with them. He won't like being shown up in front of his new wife, but there you are, he should have paid out as agreed. If he wants to continue to be darling daddy in your daughter's eyes, he'll pay up..

If my husband’s ex sent me the ins and outs of their breakup I’d think she was insane honestly and it wouldn’t do anything but sour my relationship with her, and potentially my stepchildren. I fully understand how galling it must be to see your ex swan about as if he has done no wrong, with a good woman who trusts him - but honestly OP the best thing you can do is get yourself into a place where he no longer bothers you. You have to try and ‘grey rock’ to the point it dissolves any interest or feelings you have for this man. You ended the marriage. It’s done. What you owe yourself and your children is your own peace and sanity, you don’t control him and the fact you are still in a place you want to ‘hurt’ him almost a decade on is worrying.

He’s needling you and you are responding - don’t.

Don’t ever text something that isn’t straightforward and polite. Don’t argue over text. Don’t argue over small stuff.

essentially grey rock.

right now you’re playing right into his hands

Soon enough she'll figure it out. My sisters ex has had a few relationships since they split and sooner or later he behaves as he did with my sister. He's currently on his longest relationship and by all accounts he's not quite as abusive as he was with my sister but certainly controlling with a volatile temper and rules the house.

Arseholes can't hide their true colours for very long but otherwise they are often expert charmers otherwise they wouldn't get away with their other behaviours and whilst they are charming it's hard to get others to see them as anything other than that

As the second wife hearing you on speaker phone I'd think you crazy.

As your second husband I'd be wondering.

Stop it now!!

email or text only. Move on for the sake of your mental health and your children.

My friend was like you. All four children ended up taking their father's side. Even though the adults knew he was a complete bastard.

It sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself. You say your current husband is brilliant but that relationship is falling apart too?
It's been years since you divorced exh but you've carried this level of bitterness the whole time. You're wanting to so things to get a reaction rather than live peacefully.
Genuinely, I would look into some therapy to process all of this and find healthy coping mechanisms.

@Unknown1111 I think it is fine to be honest with your kids, as long as you’re not snarky. And you could always say ‘Daddy realised it was his cold/bug they’d given you last time so it wasn’t a new bug you’d pass on and so collected you anyway’ but going forward you need to reduce contact you have with him somehow. As others have said, text rather than call?

You have got to learn to grey rock him. When he starts, a serene ‘ok’ will piss him off more than anything.

A mad list will play right into his hands.

And “he tells me im
abusive because im loud and i get angry and i shout.” So from that thread he feels abused and is clearly grey rocking her and refusing to feed the conflict/shouting.

OP, you said that your current marriage is religious only, not legal, and I see that you’ve commented elsewhere about Islamic marriage. You need to finish separating from your current husband and then work with a psychologist who is familiar with your culture. You’ve spoken about your parents and upbringing as well and it sounds like all of these issues are intertwined.

No need to talk on the phone at all. Text only about contact. Reply with two words maximum.
Will do
No thanks
Thank you
Maybe later etc etc
Stop giving him so much of your headspace time and attention.

Honestly @Unknown1111 ^ this.

no phone ever. Text, email and grey rock him

send the kids as planned, let him deal with things as you do.

don’t let him get under your skin, don’t argue with him; don’t engage.

also. Give some thought about age-appropriate truth for your DC. You DONT want them growing up thinking the sun shines out of his backside

the truth will find the dc and you’ll look like a liar.