DS wants to charge

[CompleteOvaryAction]

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

It sounds like the son didn’t give OP the opportunity to offer to pay before he asked to be paid. I suspect it was the fact that his first response was to ask for money that upset her, and she would probably have discussed paying him otherwise.

I can’t believe you don’t want to pay him. He’s not your personal performing monkey. Terrible.

I can't believe you've so vastly missed the point here.

I am so glad someone else thought it too 😂

Hallelujah! Someone has recognised it. Only a few others have ☺️

And yet that's not the aspect op focussed on.

I can't believe he's never bought you or his dad a birthday or Xmas present. That is mind bogglingly selfish and you should have taken him to task over that years ago.

With my dcs I would expect the conversation to go-
Me - of course we'll pay you
Son - don't be silly, just pay the others not me

So your advice is to do...nothing?

To treat/thank/celebrate (delete as appropriate) the parents who lovingly support him perhaps?

All good points. But none that require the statement, 'I'd expect to be paid'. A more appropriate response would be, 'I'd love to do that for you and dad. You'll need to pay my band mates for their time/travel but don't think of giving me anything - it can be my present to you both'

I think stating you expect to be paid if someone is clearly angling for a freebie is absolutely fine.

'angling for a freebie' 😂😂
Perish the thought that he.might like to do something nice for his parents for their big birthday.

Maybe they should accuse him of 'angling for a freebie' the next time he wants to come home during a university holiday.

Oh come on, it's their parents asking their son. Not asking some random musician for a freebie.

My advice in general is to pay attention to how you are bringing up your children from the start.

When it comes to the issue first raised by the OP, I’d suggest booking a jobbing covers band and inviting her son as a normal guest.

When it comes to the presents problem I’d suggest the OP tackles him about the lack of presents to his father and her DH tackles him about the lack of presents to her.

Ow come on, if you had a son who was say a joiner, and you needed some shelves putting up, would you expect to pay him the full going rate?

I'm always helping my family and friends out and they reciprocate. Its about mutual respect and appreciation.

It's not a particularly loving act to want your child to provide a chargeable service for free.

@RockOrAHardplace

The problem with using all these builder / joiner / electrician analogies Vs a jobbing musician is that you are assuming that all time is equal.

If you have a son who is a joiner and you would like him to put up a shelf, I am sure he would do that at a time that he is free and he wouldn't turn down paid work in order to do this relatively simple task.

To ask any musician to give a free Friday or Saturday night gig, you are asking them to give up potentially a huge chunk of their weekly income.

The 2 scenarios are completely different.

It’s teaching that there is give and take in relationships.

At the moment this is adult male is only taking, not giving anything back.

I don’t think he is being unreasonable - the band will have a flat fee for the event. If you hire a proffesinal band how much would it cost? I think artists often get a raw deal, would you expect free treatment if he was a dentist? Or free catering if he was a chef? Why not just invite him as a guest and avoid this argument completely.

Jesus it’s his parents joint big birthday ffs. He isn’t even a full time musician. He’s at uni, paid for by mum and dad got the last three years. He’s making money gigging and by the sound of it he is still getting an allowance and not contributing anything from his gig money.

Best thing OP can do is uninvite him and tell him to go out and secure a gig elsewhere and she will find someone else.

Reading some of these comments I can really see why today’s young people are so bloody selfish.

Not giving anything back?

Wow.

He's being expected to work at a party that he could just attend as a guest. He's being asked to provide entertainment for the guests. Op thinks it's worth paying for. That's hardly nothing! Way to diminish someone's hard work that they have been putting in for, presumably, years!

Op thinks they are worth paying. Surely that says that they are offering something of value!

It's the OP taking advantage and being cheap.

Imagine trying to charge your own mother to play some music at her party! YANBU. Hopefully he’ll look back on this one day and be mortified.

If you were the OP and were having a party with DJ rather than a band, would you be ok if your DS didn't come because he had paid work the same evening?

I'll hazard a guess that maybe you'd be fine with that, but I'd be really disappointed if my son didn't make it because of a job.

ITS HIS PARENTS’ SPECIAL BIRTHDAY!!! It’s not putting up a random shelf on a random evening or getting their adult kids to work a week building a loft for you. He’s also doing a music degree, with a distinct impression that his parents are giving him a lot of financial support to do this. On top of that, some posters are accusing the parents of exploiting their son or “emotional blackmail”!!!

Proves to me, once and for all, that 50% of MN posters are totally 🦇 bat shit crazy and/or thick (often both at the same time as they can’t even be the original post properly so make up that the OP is wanting the whole band to do it for free).