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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS wants to charge

559 replies

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 00:29

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

OP posts:
thing47 · 05/01/2025 12:59

It's not his career, he's a student!

All 3 of mine were qualified sports coaches before they went to university and all of them coached both during the term time and in the holidays over those 3/4 years. Didn't make it their careers though...

Comefromaway · 05/01/2025 13:27

When you are studying music performance you start your career as soon as you begin your course. It’s not like other subjects.

My son is currently playing alongside musicians who work on west end shows. He & his fellow students have supported a well known chart artist. It’s his career.

Vivi0 · 05/01/2025 13:46

But I don't believe for one second that anyone with a child would not be hurt by being treated like a stranger / paying customer by them.

I absolutely wouldn’t be hurt by this. I’d want to pay my child in these circumstances. I’d want to support them.

I don’t understand your thinking around this at all. He’s still only a student.

mewkins · 05/01/2025 14:43

Vivi0 · 05/01/2025 13:46

But I don't believe for one second that anyone with a child would not be hurt by being treated like a stranger / paying customer by them.

I absolutely wouldn’t be hurt by this. I’d want to pay my child in these circumstances. I’d want to support them.

I don’t understand your thinking around this at all. He’s still only a student.

I agree. Throughout his career he will have people begging favours off him under the guise of getting him 'exposure' when it's actually free labour. Support him in this, as if he has any chance of making it a career he will need people who value his work and are prepared to pay him accordingly.

AllyDally · 05/01/2025 15:07

Comefromaway · 05/01/2025 13:27

When you are studying music performance you start your career as soon as you begin your course. It’s not like other subjects.

My son is currently playing alongside musicians who work on west end shows. He & his fellow students have supported a well known chart artist. It’s his career.

I agree to an extent however there are many students starting out who are nowhere near close to being at the level of supporting known artists or even being paid for performing.

TunnocksOrDeath · 05/01/2025 15:39

I'm not a musician, but I did have to take a number of quite tricky exams to qualify for my own job, since when I absolutely have offered and done free professional work for friends and relatives, and I absolutely have benefited from friends and relatives offering to do free professional work for me. Isn't that just being nice?

pineapplesundae · 05/01/2025 17:43

He probably needs the money, pay him.

IdylicDay · 05/01/2025 17:49

pineapplesundae · 05/01/2025 17:43

He probably needs the money, pay him.

@pineapplesundae Please Read The Full Thread. His parents subsidise everything he does including studies and he has NEVER ONCE got his parents a Christmas present or a Birthday present.

BennyBee · 05/01/2025 17:49

MartinCrieffsLemon · 04/01/2025 00:44

If he wad a brickie or a sparky or similar would you expect him to do work for you for free?

If my son was an electrician, I would expect him to do my rewiring etc for free, yes. Family members look after each other. On the other hand, if he needed the money and I could afford it I would insist on paying him. I don't think you can insist on him playing for free if the offer is not there from his end, no.

Ariana12 · 05/01/2025 18:08

In your shoes I would have offered him a fee, especially as you are planning to pay the other band members. This is his chosen career/profession etc. So I think he's reasonable to start as he means to go on. Otherwise is he just expected provide free services to family? He's probably skint too. Wouldn't you expect to help him by going to gigs, supporting him to get going etc? I would also suggest he prints off some publicity that you can have available at your party. I'd be proud of him TBH

LinaLouLa · 05/01/2025 18:08

If you're willing to pay his band mates, I don't understand why you wouldn't pay him too.
Hiring a professional band rather than paying your son fairly the same as his band mates is cutting your nose off to spite your face!

pebbles8811 · 05/01/2025 18:25

Pay him and the band, he’s taking a night off to play a gig for you that you expect for free when he could be getting paid playing elsewhere. You say you don’t expect payback but you’re expecting him to play for free as payback. Your going to cause a divide with yourself and your son if you push this, treat him like the professional musician he’s trying to be, he will also have told his band mates you expect him to play for free while they get paid so they will either not play on principal to support him or give him from their pay for feeling bad for him that his mum is acting like this.

Jayne35 · 05/01/2025 18:26

I think that’s very unfair of him and YANBU at all. My DH is in a band and has played multiple times for family always waiving his money but the other band members are paid in full, he doesn’t believe he should charge his family.

BruFord · 05/01/2025 18:27

I'd hire another band and invite your DS to the party.

I hope he gets you a birthday present for once.

sellotapestucktomyarse · 05/01/2025 18:28

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 00:29

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

Not sure if I’ve missed this, but how old is DS? Kids now seem to have a different expectation to what we would have done in our time because the majority seem to be selfish and entitled and forget the amount that has been spend on them in their lifetime. I have a 17 year old and if I wanted him and his band to play at my big birthday, I would have offered to pay them, including my DS. They’re all out to earn a bit of cash (and they’re students!) and if they’re decent, then they’re worth it! Remember kids these days aren’t like we were in our youth. Happy birthday to you and your DH!!

thing47 · 05/01/2025 18:40

Comefromaway · 05/01/2025 13:27

When you are studying music performance you start your career as soon as you begin your course. It’s not like other subjects.

My son is currently playing alongside musicians who work on west end shows. He & his fellow students have supported a well known chart artist. It’s his career.

That patently isn't true. It's wonderful that your DS is so talented, I'm pleased for him as I have first-hand knowledge of how difficult it is to make a professional career in music and it sounds like he is well on his way to doing that.

But there are hundreds of people studying music every year and some have no intention of trying to make a career in music while others might want to but aren't talented or lucky enough to do so. If you are at university full time, you are a student.

GrannyRose15 · 05/01/2025 20:11

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 04/01/2025 02:05

And in the highly likely event he never makes it?

Show quote history

It will be, at least partly, because his parents never believed in him.

Vivi0 · 05/01/2025 20:22

IdylicDay · 05/01/2025 17:49

@pineapplesundae Please Read The Full Thread. His parents subsidise everything he does including studies and he has NEVER ONCE got his parents a Christmas present or a Birthday present.

Show quote history

How is that relevant?

Subsidising your child when they are a student is standard.

Your child not buying you Christmas or birthday present warrants a conversation.

But neither of those things mean that you get to decide that your child should show you the gratitude you think you deserve, in a way you think is appropriate at a time you think is appropriate.

I know the OP says she that she has supported her son, but her utter refusal to pay him for performing at her event makes me doubt that. It’s the exact opposite of being supportive.

Vanishedwillow · 05/01/2025 20:32

MartinCrieffsLemon · 04/01/2025 00:44

If he wad a brickie or a sparky or similar would you expect him to do work for you for free?

Yes of course! My DS is a sparky and he’s helped us out on numerous occasions without wanting payment. We have also helped him a great deal as and where we can - it’s what families do.

celticprincess · 05/01/2025 21:21

CheshireCats · 04/01/2025 00:35

@Ponoka7 But he is not a professional- he is a student. And I don't think there should be any "rates" at all for him to play at his own parents' big birthday party.
At the very least he could perform free as his birthday gift to them.

At what point do you become a professional?? Being a uni student makes no difference. I was a professional gigging musician whilst I was at Uni. I’d been doing it for years. There’s no actual qualification in being in a band. Yes there’s a variety of music and performing degrees but this doesn’t suddenly increase your worth in a band. My ex DH is a full time gigging musician and band manager. No actual qualifications but like many gigging bands they are laid the going rates for festivals, gig nights, pubs and clubs. Im a professional in the fact that I’m a teacher but i also play in a band. Everyone in the band is a professional - doctor, lawyer, surgeon etc but we all gig professionally on weekends. We have different rates depending on audience as we don’t gig as our main income. So we can offer fundraising events a really cheap deal but if someone wants a professional band for a wedding we will charge a professional going rate. We do discount family functions. And we actually don’t take a wage or regular income from our work. More the expenses for insurance, band equipment etc and paid and then surplus money is divided up to cover our own expenses. We don’t fog regularly but more like a monthly thing.

Deeperthantheocean · 05/01/2025 21:40

He should offer it to you as a gift and not even consider payment! Band members of course need to be paid, or if a close group of friends, would be nice if they did it for free and a free evening of drinks and food. Xx

Laurmolonlabe · 05/01/2025 22:55

Yes, I would tell him you will be getting another band, and he's welcome to attend as a guest if he wants to. To be brutally honest, even the most loving parents wouldn't choose their son's band if the field were open- choose a band to suit you , I understand the reluctance to work for free , in such a difficult and competitive field- but you are his parents who have supported his decision to be a musician both emotionally and financially, charging you is just not on.
I make costumes for theatre, and there are always lots of people who don't want to pay, and I resist- but I have never charged my parents for any sewing work, and they didn't support my decision to be a costume maker.

OakleyAnnie · 05/01/2025 22:59

I think you should pay him. It’s tough being a musician and pay is often life. Musicians don’t really work for free and if he’s working he should be paid

OakleyAnnie · 05/01/2025 23:01

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 01:05

The conversation went:
Me: DS, will you play at our party?
DS: Yes, but I expect to be paid.
Me: Oh, I thought you might just do it cos we're your Mum and Dad.
DS: That's not fair on me.

Just felt a bit off to me. It's also possibly pertinent to how I feel, that he's never bought either me or his Dad a birthday or Christmas present, or ever spent any money on us at all (he's generous with his friends and sister though, which is good to see). This is just something that occurred to me this Christmas when a friend asked me what he'd bought me. I don't expect lavish gifts, but a book or a box of chocolates wouldn't be beyond his resources.

I'm hoping he'll eventually see us as separate people from himself with our own feelings. At the moment, it appears we are cash-machines in his eyes. He takes but never gives.

Oh, he’s a bit selfish. In that case I’d still pay him but also tell him I’m disappointed that he’s not generous to you in other ways

GillianCarole · 06/01/2025 00:55

Why would the band mates agree to play for nothing? Quite possible they don't know his parents that well, and even if they do know them, it seems grasping to expect them not to charge. They shouldn't pay the rest of the band and not him - that would be grossly unfair, and implies that they're a bit tight.

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