At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

[sparkellie]

I used to think age gaps in relationships didn't matter, but as I've gotten older I've begun to question this.
Young people in relationships with older people are always having the relationship questioned, what's the motive of the older person? Is it abuse if over 18?
I always thought once you got into your 20s it didn't matter, but as I get older, and having lost a partner, and as friends and their relationships age, I'm seeing the other side, and honestly think that rather than the age gap seeming less, it seems to have more of an impact as we age. People my age (40s) are in relationships with pensioners, their lives seem to get further apart as they age, with the younger person becoming basically a carer with little freedom. Their partners are ageing and of the few age gap relationships (15+ years) I know, nobody is happy.
Is this a foregone conclusion, or do you know of older people in happy relationships despite a 15+ year age gap? Do you think it matters more or less as you get older? I've come to the conclusion there's a sweet spot between the age of 20-40 for the younger person and after that the relationship goes downhill rapidly. What do you think?

I agree. Anything less than 10 years hardly seems worth mentioning. Especially with a younger man.

** 40yr old men are appealing to the 20yr old woman. But it's not the other way around.

If 40yr old women were more appealing, then the 40yr old men wouldn't be going for the 20yr olds.**

This is where my experience is very much different to yours then. 40yr old women are very appealing to 20 yr old men, i have experienced this myself, as has my sister. Difference is we're not interested in them. Whereas the men are. Because imo men are inherently more selfish as a cohort.

And most 40 yr old women are savvy enough to not be interested in the kind of 40 yr old men who would date a 20 yr old.

So I think one of the reasons 40 yr old men go for 20 yr old women is they can't get women of their own age.

That's been my experience anyway.

Yeah yeah, "cougars". They are the minority of age gap relationships. At 42 now, I can't imagine wanting a 20 something. Ew.

Exactly. But it isn't that the 20 yr old men don't want you. They do. They just can't get you.

I’m in my 50’s and had plenty of approaches from men in their 20’s and 30’s but it’s pretty clear they’re looking for sex and I’m really not interested in anyone I could have given birth to (age wise)

My own experience makes me think there are two very different reasons 40 yr old men would go for 20 yr old women (and none of them are commendable or desirable traits);

1. They need their ego stroked via a younger/prettier woman
2. They can't get a 40 yr old woman because they're too savvy and can spot shit a mile off

It’s funny people claim that 40 year old men are appealing to 20 year old women. While there are instances where that is true if it was the norm then OLD would not be full of men lying about their age to circumvent women’s age boundaries.

If this is true why do so many older men feel the need to lie about their age on OLD sites?

@JHound I'll add a caveat - 'some'

If I had a £ for every time I’ve read ‘age is wrong but I can’t change it’

Precisely.

Unlike the 20yo women who want a relationship with the 40yo man.

The 20yo man isn't looking for a relationship with the 40yo woman.

Sorry @arethereanyleftatall but these 20 somethings aren't seriously interested in you. They want a shag so they can tell their mates they fucked an older woman. And this general level of their mentality is why 20 something women aren't interested in them either.

😂😂😂 of course they only want a shag 😂😂 I never suggested otherwise. Not the point I was making whatsoever.

My point was, once again.

Most 40 yr old women are not remotely interested in 20 yr old men. With good reason.

Some 40 yr old men are interested in 20 yr old women. With bad reasons.

My sister was 24 when she met her partner, then 46

They're still together, 30 years later and very happy. But, he keeps good health and remains active. I'm not sure how easy it would be otherwise

I know she has some regrets about nit having children

And I notice that she invests a lot of time and effort into friendships, possibly aware that her partner is highly likely to die before her?

I think the thread is going off topic. Whilst I appreciate that there are other aspects to age gap relationships, this post is meant to be about the differences that age gap may cause at different life stages, not the rights and wrongs of the relationship as a whole. I don't want to put off anyone who may be happy with a large age gap in their relationship from posting, as I am very much interested to see if there are many that last happily into older age, or whether what I am seeing is typical and that as the couple age the differences become larger and harder to overcome rather than less important as I would previously have thought.

The age of when the couple got together is more relevant than the actual age gap. An 18 year old with a 30 year old is more shocking than a 30 year old with a 50 year old, despite being a smaller age gap.

That said a 25 year old with a 70 year old is obviously gross. I think age gaps where one person could be the grandparent of the other is clearly about money.

I see many people have raised the 'when he is old, you will become his carer' argument. Some people actually take their vows seriously, in sickness and in health. There is nothing to say my older DH won't outlive me, the likelihood is he won't, but there are no guarantees.

I know of a couple the same age, where the DH has ended up her carer due to illness and disability.

40yr old men are appealing to the 20yr old woman. But it's not the other way around

I dont agree with this at all!! I remember being 20 in a large student group with other women the same age. None of us wanted to date men old enough to be our dads, in fact, we used to make fun of those sleazy 40 year old men trying it on with us. They were regarded as sleazy and quite gross by all of us.

Men are more visually inclined. Women in their 20s are at their peak attractiveness, of course men of all ages will find them most attractive. I can accept that I am not as beautiful in my 30's as I was in my 20's and I will be less beautiful still in the next decade.

This is what I would have thought a few years ago, but I am seeing as people hit retirement age while their partner is still working and their health begins to decline, along with having increasingly different attitudes to socialising that my friends are beginning to see more issues in their age gap relationships than they did 5/10 years ago, and it is only likely to increase.

How original 😴

It is almost always struggling, jealous, older women who make these comments.

I can see how that could become an issue in some cases. I think the younger partner should be well aware and prepared for this scenario from the start if they are serious about the relationship. If I were to find myself severely disabled all of a sudden he would look after me, so I will do the same for him.

I will say genetics and lifestyle play as a massive factor. My DH has more energy than me and his family all live to 100! I'm sure when he approaches 70 he will start to slow down but that is what I signed up for.

Exactly @JHound .

Sorry but most women -especially well adjusted ones- prefer men around their age give or take a few years. Not men old enough to be their father. And most are not marrying men with huge gaps.

I’m tired of this myth of the typical 20 year old women seriously wanting to be with a 40 year old man. Maybe a ONS but nothing more.

I didn’t go near a 40 year old man until I was early 30s and neither did most women I know.

I have many younger friends in their early to mid 20s that are in my creative hobby group or family and they tell me that men over 35 are gross- as romantic prospects they are gross of course not saying they’re generally viewed as disgusting lol

And re. Looks - many people look the same or even a lot better in their 30s than their 20s because some are still finding their style, and getting more into their health etc towards the end of their 20s.

Looking back on Facebook photos I don’t look much different /older between the ages of 26 and 31 for instance except my style improved and I became slightly slimmer.

I used to get men in their 30s and 40s approach me when I was 30 thinking I was 20 and they’d recoil or be super confused when they found out my real age, they obviously want younger women not purely for looks but also due to a desire to control.

So if push came to shove they’d rather get with an older looking 25 year old than a younger looking 33 year old.

So I think one of the reasons 40 yr old men go for 20 yr old women is they can't get women of their own age.

It's more likely they don't want women their own age.

With respect, 20 year old women have a lot more options than 40 year old women. That makes them much harder 'targets' (for lack of a better word)

You only have to look at average age gaps in relationships to see that most people are dating someone of a similar age.

I'm a higher earner and at times in our relationship have been the higher earner so piss off with your pathetic insinuation.

I suppose when one retires and the other still has another 15 years of toil ahead of them, an age gap of 15 years might matter. "I am off to the Golf Club for the day, hun", see you at tea time.

Being cynical, I think the reason 20 year old men go for 40 year old women may be that they are likely to be earning more than them, own their own home etc.