At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

[sparkellie]

I used to think age gaps in relationships didn't matter, but as I've gotten older I've begun to question this.
Young people in relationships with older people are always having the relationship questioned, what's the motive of the older person? Is it abuse if over 18?
I always thought once you got into your 20s it didn't matter, but as I get older, and having lost a partner, and as friends and their relationships age, I'm seeing the other side, and honestly think that rather than the age gap seeming less, it seems to have more of an impact as we age. People my age (40s) are in relationships with pensioners, their lives seem to get further apart as they age, with the younger person becoming basically a carer with little freedom. Their partners are ageing and of the few age gap relationships (15+ years) I know, nobody is happy.
Is this a foregone conclusion, or do you know of older people in happy relationships despite a 15+ year age gap? Do you think it matters more or less as you get older? I've come to the conclusion there's a sweet spot between the age of 20-40 for the younger person and after that the relationship goes downhill rapidly. What do you think?

Christ, @JHound, a woman in her 20s marrying a man in his 50s?? They will be divorced in a decade.

V dodgy behaviour by the man. What will he have in common with her?!

Not every older man is richer than the younger woman he dates and not every woman is a golddigger.

They are still married now and that would be coming on maybe 15 years (I met my friend in 2007 and they were together then - I cannot do maths) so it seems to be working. I remember finding it odd because he looked fairly decrepit to me but she seemed very happy and they have two daughters together.

There's an 11 year age gap between me and DH. I did think before I married him about what might happen as he aged, but accepted the likelihood of ending up alone, I loved him and accepted it as a price worth paying. As it happens, there was the same gap between my parents, but my mum died when she was 75 and Dad lived on for another 11 years. That made me realise that you can't take anything for granted and I am glad that I hadn't let the prospect of being alone stop me from marrying him. Having said that, DH is aging quickly now and there are a few concerns about cognitive decline. I still don't regret marrying him, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't apprehensive about the future.

This makes me think of S Fry and his husband. I'm a big believer in love is love and on the one hand, I think it's beautiful, but on the other, I wonder what on earth they have in common.
Also some uneasiness about the whole thing, but I'm aware it's none of my business and I don't know them. I hope they live long happy lives together.

A friend of a friend is in a relationship with someone much younger. He is nearly 50 and she is early/mid 20s. They've been together for a few years now. She's so obviously looking for stability following her parent's messy divorce. She hangs off his arm constantly, just desperately clinging on to him. It's really sad to see her like this. I hope she finds her way in life. He isn't it, he's a bit of a dickhead and laps up the attention she gives him. I hate seeing them together, the equilibrium is so wrong.

I started a relationship with my ex husband when I was 19 and he was 32. I thought I was mature and the age difference was fine.

When I was 32, I looked at my lovely 19 year old students and was suddenly appalled. The gap in life experience is huge.

2 relationships with 15 year age gap in my family:
Couple one M older than F, he was very young in outlook and physically - were married for nearly 60 years until he died at 95
Cpuple two F older than M, now married nearly 40 years and are very similar in health, outlook etc
Both navigated well through any age differences in their relationships due to good communication and a loving foundation
Ive only had one big age gap relationship and it failed due to sexual incompatibility (age related) so am not a great example and will stick to relationships within my own age group

I’m noticing the same. I think age gaps always seem more extreme when young or old. My DH is only two years older than me but has a group of male friends a decade or so older who all seem to be very suddenly showing their age in terms of physical appearance, health problems and general mental outlook.

I did a stint working as a relationship therapist, based on that, I’d say when men hit their mid-60’s, and the women are much younger. The large age gap that may have once seemed small and insignificant often becomes HUGE.
I didn’t really see enough couples where women were significantly older to make comment.

My DH is 14 years older. Never been a problem for us. The death thing doesn't bother me too much as it's something I accept. Of course I hope he lives as long as possible but I would rather deal with grief in my 60s than my 80s. My uncle died at 91 a few months ago and my aunt is just a few years younger and not dealing well at all. From what I see the older you are when you lose a spouse the more likely you are to just give up, not cope and that's so sad.

My mum met her husband when she was 39 and he was 61. She ended up being his carer when he was 80 and she want even 60. He's since died but she had to do everything including toileting. It's ok before elderly age but things go downhill rapidly. It always made my skin crawl a bit but my mums very insecure

Not many replies regarding the retirement issue which I think must be the biggest one as couples get older.

The ideal surely is retire around the same time and enjoy that time together, particularly early retirement when you are both healthy enough to enjoy it.
I still wonder how it plays out when there is a significant age gap.

This thread is fascinating.

It's seems quite a few of those in age gap relationships reassure themselves that life is all a game of chance anyway so why stress about something that might not happen? Their DH is incredibly youthful and fit etc so they reason that they will be the exception and defy the odds. It's a bizarre optimism bias when you consider that age is a massive risk factor for almost all of the main diseases and illnesses that ultimately lead to death. Look on any mortality chart by age and it is obvious that deaths are significantly skewed towards the old. Yet some on this thread would have you believe that we all have a similar chance of dying at any age so they are taking on hardly any additional risk in return for a huge amount of happiness. This just obviously isn't the case!

I also think the scary thing is that life experience teaches us that isn't always obvious who will have a fantastic old age and who will deteriorate rapidly. You can become a carer for your super fit, fun loving 60 year old DH in a very short amount of time once start entering the danger decades.

I think online dating has increased the number of age gap relationships significantly so I imagine there are a lot of people reassuring themselves that it will all work out.

Me

We earned the same. We both owned our own homes of similar value.

We fell in love.

And 26 years later, I still love him.

Noone wants to become a carer. But lots of us will become carers for our life partners. And most of us do it because of love.

My friend is 15 years older than her husband. They've been together years and it was never a factor but I think it could be starting to be now. She has gone part time and is taking some of her pension. She wants to go off in their campervan and travel more but he is stuck with his holiday entitlement. I noticed frustration when I was last with them

You are right. I feel pressure from DH to retire now, but I don't want to. On the other hand I don't want to not be able to spend time with him before he is unable to do stuff.

I know of 2 , 25 year plus age gap relationships . Neither is happy.
one now has a 54 year old with a dying 80 year old husband. The truly awful bit is the teenage children. The wife is old before her time and has the mentality of someone older because she has been with an old man for so long.
The other has a 40 something younger wife who has cheated many times. She is actually embarrassed now to be seen with her late 70"s husband. She even talks about plans for when she is widowed.
He was once the powerful, rich 40 something she fell for at 19.
I would be extremely worried if my child entered into a large age gap relationships as the power balance is wrong and they do place a care burden on the younger partner.

My husband is 12 years older at 68, he has cancer and has slowed down considerably recently but I have been chronically unwell on and off since I was 33 so 20+ years he's carried me.
I hope I can capitalise on the age gap and my health picks up again to the extent I can return the kindness over the next few decades.

You just never know what life throws at you.
We still have fun, we spent two months last summer traveling round Europe, are currently viewing holiday homes on a UK island and planning to downsize to another self build.

I do worry I might be on my own for years as my mother is (40 years a widow) but that's life isn't it.

Surely the point is that people entering into relationships with a sizeable age gap don't think about it in terms of "wanting to become someone's carer", that isn't their intention or proactive choice.

If only they did think in those terms!

Instead they see things from the present day perspective and the future doesn't really enter their head.

My point is that's up to them. If they skip happily into a marriage without considering its long term viability, that's their choice.

How is it anyone's business?

I think it is a valid point worth discussing though.

I don't but we all have different priorities.

Well I hope I was mature at 22 as that was when I chose to get pregnant for the first time with my now husband who was 38.
Perhaps I was more mature at 26 when I got pregnant with my second child and my husband was 42?
We are still together 21 years later and my children are now 18 and 14.
Despite me being considerably younger I am the one with multiple health issues so there is a good chance he will be looking after me in the future.
The funny thing is no-one in real life cares who goes out with who, it just seems one of those strange mn obsessions.