At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

[sparkellie]

I used to think age gaps in relationships didn't matter, but as I've gotten older I've begun to question this.
Young people in relationships with older people are always having the relationship questioned, what's the motive of the older person? Is it abuse if over 18?
I always thought once you got into your 20s it didn't matter, but as I get older, and having lost a partner, and as friends and their relationships age, I'm seeing the other side, and honestly think that rather than the age gap seeming less, it seems to have more of an impact as we age. People my age (40s) are in relationships with pensioners, their lives seem to get further apart as they age, with the younger person becoming basically a carer with little freedom. Their partners are ageing and of the few age gap relationships (15+ years) I know, nobody is happy.
Is this a foregone conclusion, or do you know of older people in happy relationships despite a 15+ year age gap? Do you think it matters more or less as you get older? I've come to the conclusion there's a sweet spot between the age of 20-40 for the younger person and after that the relationship goes downhill rapidly. What do you think?

I'm the same. We have been very happy though so I don't regret it. But we have often said to each other that we would prefer if we were closer in age.

I'm 60 and he is 70 btw

I've seen people die at every age. From childhood to 90 year olds. I'm glad I haven't built my life on what ifs. I could get the female cancer which killed my cousin before her 47th birthday with 6 months of diagnosis. Thankfully her loving husband nursed her.

And I'd not change a thing about my life even if a potential future for me could be a divorce or bleaker because it would mean my amazing DD would never have been born. And she is worth more than anything. And I see my husband's values in her. Good, solid, strong and a bit of a joker.

It's only life. Yours to live as you choose.

Why come on a thread to discuss the issue then, why not just scroll past?

I think it's worth discussing for anyone considering dating & wondering what an age gap relationship might be like in reality and in the long term.

I gave my opinion on the thread, not that I have to justify myself.

It's all very well saying, but my partner is 77 and runs daily marathons, yet I am unwell at 30.

There are always outliers, but statistically the older you get the higher risk there is of develeoping health issues.

Why so defensive?

Problem is, when I was 28, I was dating a 41yr old. Continued to do so on and off for the next ten years. He was very wealthy and just before we met had an extremely bad divorce so wouldn't marry me, so I eventually left.

It was the happiest I have ever been. It's not so much about wanting an older man. It's about the men my age being immature fuckwits in comparison. I have an old head on my shoulders and my male peers were just unfunny, uncultured egoists who didn't have their shit together in any sense but all thought they were gods gift. He, however, was perfect.

Why derail the thread?

I was married to a much older man. He died of undiagnosed prostrate cancer, after twenty one years together, when it wasn't as easy to cure. We had a love of architecture (and travel/adventure to see said architecture). We both liked the outdoors, shared the same politics (we lived in Thatcher's Liverpool) had the same beliefs. It was the 80's and AIDS had hit, I loved my DH's compassion. We had the same attitude to religion, we both came from very Catholic areas. We liked the same books/films and quiz shows. But then I'd say our generation grew up a lot quicker and I came from a political family and we didn't need I.D to have a drink etc. Even now the teens around me aren't as incapable as described on here.
Posters on here think that if you live a certain way, your health will be fine. As said, unfortunately it doesn't work like that. A lot if the WC men in their 50's have health issues. We've all suffered via passive smoking and some men by a lack of health and safety/lifting restrictions. Men can have heart issues no matter what they do. So the women around me in their late 50's, mobility/pain wise are physically ten years younger.

Have friends in their 30s who are with men 20-25 years older. All lovely now but when they are in their prime of life looking after essentially another parent aged person requiring care it'll be shit.

My aunt had a husband 20 years her senior who was requiring lots of dementia care in his 70 when she was at prime age to have been enjoying life.

It's not for me, no chance.

The cynical feminist in me thinks it's just men looking for the best deal they can get as usual to be looked after.

I would not be happy if I had a 22 year old daughter who decided to date a nearly 40 year old.

I think the thing I'm seeing is that those who have until now had happy marriages are now reaching the age of 50ish and becoming unhappy, but feeling unable to leave. Possibly don't actually want to leave even, but hating what the next 20/30 years of their lives look like. Not only due to health reasons, but because of the difference in life stages/attitude.
At 30, or even up until 40, it would have been unimaginable to them that there would have become such a gap in their approach to life. I wonder if this is inevitable in most cases, and how those who manage to avoid it can do so? Is it something anyone can influence or foresee, or just luck of the draw?

The cynical feminist in me thinks it's just men looking for the best deal they can get as usual to be looked after

Exactly what I think. And despite being looked after they often wear the pants in these relationship too. There was another thread on here recently about a woman who is about 32 she got with her partner when she was around 22 and he was 35.

She now sees how imbalanced things are and how the reason their relationship has tickled along nicely for so long is because she rarely challenges him or demands much from him. And now that she is using her voice - he is struggling to handle this.

There are men who literally replace their wife /partner for a younger more compliant woman every couple of decades.

Totally agree with this.

Very happy for those it's worked out for, but I think for many women when you get to the age your partner was when he met you, and you then look at those who are now your then age, I think I would feel absolutely sick.
To me now, approaching 50s, adults in their twenties are like children to me, their conversation, their lack of confidence. It makes me feel sick that 40/50 yr old men go for 20yo women.

What's statistics got to do with love or companionship or feelings?

Bu all means 'educate' your children, but if we live by statistics no women would ever marry a man.

**Problem is, when I was 28, I was dating a 41yr old. Continued to do so on and off for the next ten years. He was very wealthy and just before we met had an extremely bad divorce so wouldn't marry me, so I eventually left.

It was the happiest I have ever been. It's not so much about wanting an older man. It's about the men my age being immature fuckwits in comparison. I have an old head on my shoulders and my male peers were just unfunny, uncultured egoists who didn't have their shit together in any sense but all thought they were gods gift. He, however, was perfect.**

I can well imagine this, and for me it's precisely the problem. 40 year olds (both sexes) are far more appealing than 20yr olds. More confident, more interesting, simply as a result of life experience. So it's easy as a 40 yr old to bag a 20yr old. But it's selfish. You are taking away the 20yr olds opportunity to have a whole life together with someone their own age.

There is 9 years between Mr Monkey and me (he is the older one). I have to say it isn't really an issue. He is very physically fit and interested in life and has a younger outlook than me a lot of the time.

One looming issue is the disparity in our retirement ages as we straddle mid Gen X and early Gen Y - when changes to state and occupational pensions really started to acclerate. It won't be for another 10 years at least but his first occupational pension kicks in at 60 and his state pension at 67, whereas my first occupational pension kicks in at 65 and my current state pension age is 68 (I expect that to change).

So we do need to sit down and work out a retirement strategy. Currently our plan is to use money from pensions as they come on stream to slowly reduce both our working hours - one of the advantages of a slighty older partner - one of his pensions is a final salary one!

My parents were exactly the same age. Dad died nearly 20 years ago, mum on her own.
A family friend married a man when she was in her 40s or 50s who was I'd say 25 years older than her easily.
He died a year or two ago in his 90s. So the friend's husband who was significantly older out lived my father by 40 years. And my mum will have been alone 20 years more despite her husband being the same age

What's statistics got to do with love or companionship or feelings?

Just pointing out the hard facts.

I love DH to bits, but I am finding the fact that he won't drive any more and his memory failings exasperating. I am basically carrying all the mental load now.

Good for you, the joy of being 20 was being able to choose my life partner without my parents input or approval.

Very true.

@Orangesinthebag If the much younger women is married to the much older and significantly wealthy man, she probably isn't working anyway? So his retirement wouldn't really be an issue?

40yr old men are appealing to the 20yr old woman. But it's not the other way around.

If 40yr old women were more appealing, then the 40yr old men wouldn't be going for the 20yr olds.

The women want the experience, the career, the stability, the shit together. The men don't want that from the woman. They want the prettiness of youth, and often quite the reverse in that they want the lacking of life experience because they know they wouldn't get away with the same shit with a 40yr old woman who's already been there and got the t-shirt.

Yeah yeah, "cougars". They are the minority of age gap relationships. At 42 now, I can't imagine wanting a 20 something. Ew.

To look at it like you're stealing a 20 something away from their rightful relationship with another 20 something is weird though.