At what point does an age gap matter in a relationship?

[sparkellie]

I used to think age gaps in relationships didn't matter, but as I've gotten older I've begun to question this.
Young people in relationships with older people are always having the relationship questioned, what's the motive of the older person? Is it abuse if over 18?
I always thought once you got into your 20s it didn't matter, but as I get older, and having lost a partner, and as friends and their relationships age, I'm seeing the other side, and honestly think that rather than the age gap seeming less, it seems to have more of an impact as we age. People my age (40s) are in relationships with pensioners, their lives seem to get further apart as they age, with the younger person becoming basically a carer with little freedom. Their partners are ageing and of the few age gap relationships (15+ years) I know, nobody is happy.
Is this a foregone conclusion, or do you know of older people in happy relationships despite a 15+ year age gap? Do you think it matters more or less as you get older? I've come to the conclusion there's a sweet spot between the age of 20-40 for the younger person and after that the relationship goes downhill rapidly. What do you think?

My DH is 20 years older than me, we don't have children and 7 years ago we left the UK. So I'm very aware that if/when anything happens to him (hopefully not for a long time, he's a fit and healthy 72) it would be easy for me to become quite isolated if I didn't have a good network of friends.

I agree that the older you get, the more impact a big gap has.

Take a 60 year old and a 40 year old. If the 60 year old is fit and well, there's not that much difference in their capabilities and energy levels.

Then take them at 60 and 80 years old. Even a fit and well 80 year old is very different to a 60 year old.

I'm nearly 60. I hike, rough camp, go to music festivals, stay up till 3am with mates, go and jump around to pub bands etc etc. An 80 year old who can still do those things ( or even want to) is incredibly rare.

I always wondered how people end up with older partners. I’ve never been interested in men outside my age cohort, the idea of finding a “mature” man or a father figure is a major turn off for me. I met my DH when I was 29 and we started dating when I was 30. At that time a 40 year old guy trying to attract my attention would be a massive red flag to me. Different life and career stages, and so on.

My parents were only 21 and 22 when I was born and many of their friends were a bit younger when I was growing up so I always saw men a decade older as my dads mates rather than a potential partner.

One of my dads best mates was about 7/8 years younger and I remember in my late teens sone of my mates had a bit of a crush on him and even then it grossed me out a bit that they could fancy a man so much older.

I think if you have a LTR and a lot of history, it’s very different to wanting to meet someone with a big age gap when you’re older. In my 50’s I’m really not interested in being a nurse with a purse within a few years. I’m still into house music, festivals etc. I really don’t see my lifestyle as being compatible with someone older and tbh, I don’t find older men attractive

You sound like a lot of fun

Same. I'm in my 40s. I have friends in their 60s and whilst they are lovely, they are at a completely different life stage to me - they are looking forward to retiring and winding down whilst I am still up and at my career. I cannot imagine being in a relationship with a man in his 60s/70s - it is such a huge turn off to me just in terms of how different we would be both in energy levels, goals, interests, life stages etc

DH is 20 years older than me. To be fair he's done enough caring for me over the years and we've both had a few health issues recently and it's brought us closer together.

Regarding being left on my own, I'm realistic enough to know that it's likely to happen. However my Uncle was 14 years older than my Aunt and she died at 64 while he's going strong at 90. My Mum and Dad had a 3 year age gap and she spent 18 years on her own after he died. (I know this is anecdotal before some smart arse decides to point it out)

I find most men are looking for sex irrespective of age.

That’s simply because more women than men are seeking relationships. The 20 year old man is is more likely seeking sex no matter the age of the woman and the woman is more likely seeking a relationship no matter the age of the man. But on average most women prefer (and are more physically attracted to) men in their age bracket.

@DorothysSlipper Not at all. It's simply the reality. Why else would a much younger woman choose a much older man?

As said upthread DH is 11 years older than me - we are 63 and 74. He semiretired before me, then I took voluntary early retirement at 58 but he has still not fully retired - he’s an academic and still does consultancy, research and writing. It was actually lovely after he’d semi retired to get home from work to him opening the door in his apron, dinner on, to be pushed on to the sofa and a glass of wine put on my hand!

@Howmanycatsistoomany Be interested to know the age gap and how much your husband earns. Truthfully.

What was the thing Caroline Aherne said to Debbie McGee about Paul Daniels? 😆 😂

I'd say for people over 21, a 10 year age gap (upwards obviously) is probably not going to make much difference. If they have a similar outlook and tastes. I think men over 30 shouldn't be dating women under about 20. But as long as they're happy it's not really my business.

My 25 yo cousin has just started seeing a 39 yo man. For some reason I find it a bit peculiar as he's closer in age to me then to her. I've not met him yet to be fair. Her mum and dad had a 20 year age gap. So maybe that's connected?

@Thegoatliesdownonbroadway Unlikely that a much younger wife would be working in the first place if hubby has retired?

We have a 10 year gap and I find it opens and closes. It felt big in the early stages (we met as friends when I was a student and gradually got together), closed in my mid-20s when I was working professionally, opened at mid 30s-40s and roughly 10 years on has closed again. He's refound some energy and realised that his natural youthful fitness had left the room and is working at rebuilding it, and my youthful enthusuasm is sneaking out despite staying fit. Long term the gaps will open and close.

DM and DF were months apart in age but she's been widowed 30+ years.
MiL was widowed 25 years. Neither of us met out FiLs.

Statistically if I lived about 14 years after DH, in a way I'd rather it happens while I've got some stuffing left in me to still find pleasure in an independent solo life. We have our own friends and interests as well as shared and that's always been important to me. I don't want a totally co-dependent relationship because the chances of us dying in close succession are low. There isn't a history of couples reaching a ripe old age together in my family so that's not a familiar expectation to me.

Seeing friends struggling with pairs of aging parents with differing needs, I'm not sure that simultaneous aging is so great for the DCs either. Hopefully they'd have some respite between. Plus we live in an old age friendly area/ house which should help.

There's no guarentees anyway. All we can do is enjoy living together in the here and now and take reasonable measures to reduce the risks of lifestyle aggravated poor health.

My friend is mid 50s and her DH is almost 80. Been married about 20 years and happy as you like.

Not married, but my experience is a relationship with a man 21 years older than me, when I was in my mid thirties. He didn’t have a pot to pee in. It was me who paid for everything we did together. It’s not why I ended it.

In my case, it was because he was a dirty, greasy biker and I found him very attractive and he was also, underneath, one of the most decent men I had ever met.

Lots of reasons, but the main one is that most men their own age are idiots, whereas older men tend to be more settled and considerate. Sadly it just doesn't seem to work out so well for the younger women as they both age. Especially where the relationships are more co-dependant and the majority of their lives revolve around the other person.

I'm 45 and my partner is 64.

@WilfredsPies Did the age gap play a part in why you broke up?

I don't agree with age gap relationships ever. Five years difference maximum.

If one partner is older (18 and 30-45) I think it's weird and creepy and probably abusive in some ways.

The other end is one partner becomes a carer at some point as one is obviously going to get old and need help from the younger one. Not fair or ideal or any relationship.

Me and DH are 30 days apart and I think it's perfect. We have the same memories of what life was like at the same stages of our childhood and teen years, we are aging together and that is really nice.

How do you find it now? And do you think it will change much over the next 5/10 years?

Not necessarily. When DH retired and I was working full time (I'm not currently working) he became a house husband.