AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

[BunnyFox]

My best friend is getting married later this year and I’m currently pregnant with my first baby. Baby will be 3 months old at time of wedding and children are not invited (no problem, her wedding her wishes). The wedding is also abroad, so I’ve got my mum to come to look after our new baby in the room. The wedding hotel has no family rooms and when I rang and explained the scenario they said all I could do was book 2 x double rooms, (ok, no problem if that’s the only option).
My best friend has now asked if my mum can book another hotel in the area as she wants to keep rooms for wedding guests only. I’ve explained that I will need to be near the baby for feeds and perhaps to settle them, so would like her to be onsite. It’s my first baby and I’m trying all options and logistics as I don’t know how things will go, but I feel she’s being insensitive to my situation.

In addition to everything pp have said about how controlling your bride -friend is, I think you need to think through the logistics of taking a small baby abroad.

At max the baby will only have had it's first 2 rounds of vaccinations, if the baby was late, may only have had one round. I know babies do travel by plane that young, but I personally wouldn't be keen. I'd also be checking with your GP re an additional vaccinations required depending upon the location.

Getting a passport will be tight for a 3 month old. They have to have their eyes open for the photo - took us ages to get the right shot. It can take ages to get the birth registered and you can't apply for a passport without one. I've just checked and it's about a 3.5 week wait to book in our county. Suggest you check where you live.

They won't have their own luggage allowance, so all their stuff is on yours and babies don't travel light! If the venue is somewhere remote you'll need to be sure of things like nappies, formula etc.

I personally wouldn't want the hassle of balancing a bridezilla friend and my 3 month old. I'm in Team Say-No-Now

You're schlepping abroad to her wedding with a new baby and your friend is not grateful at all. I say this as someone who also got married abroad.

Of all the things I have read on mumsnet, this is the most unreasonable on the part of your friend. She’s not a good friend.
I agree that you need to stay at home.

Is your mum experienced with tiny babies?

A bit more than OP was I imagine! 😂

I just wouldn’t go if you can’t have a room for your mum @BunnyFox. Your friend is being hugely unreasonable, not to mention ungrateful for all the expense and effort it’s costing you.

Bridezilla is treating your mum (and your baby for that matter) like a pariah. It would be a no from me.

Ugh, weddings abroad, don't get me started!!

To me the whole idea of forcing friends and relations to spend thousands on a holiday they don't want, so the couple can play out some romantic fantasy for a day, beggars belief. Though I accept this is a minority view and I'm an old grouch.

You are not being unreasonable, the happy couple are - particularly the bride for asking you to find another hotel for your mum and newborn. Personally I barely left the house for my kids' first two or thee months, when you're getting to know each other, establishing breastfeeding, and just getting through the day with some sleep is a bonus. Everyone's different of course, and you may turn out to be the perfect organised mum with the perfect relaxed baby. But it's a helluva lot to put yourselves and the average three-month-old through.

Honestly? I'd take the opportunity to say I simply can't do this. It's difficult enough to cart yourselves, a newborn and your mum to a ceremony abroad that means nothing to them. To do so in a way that's so thoughtless to your family's needs is beyond CFery. (In nicer words than that perhaps!)

Motherhood is when a lot of women discover their inner tiger, and I think this might be your first challenge OP!

At 3 months pp there was no guarantees I'd be getting out the house to go ANYWHERE nevermind to a wedding.
I was breastfeeding 247 and delirious with sleep deprivation.

I wouldn't go to the wedding.

I would say, "Hi friend, what my mum is doing is a really big ask and I just don't feel comfortable asking her to stay in another hotel. I also feel I can't leave my baby, either at home or in another hotel. Could you reconsider otherwise I just don't feel able to come. I would be sorry to miss it but totally understand it's a child free wedding."

You’re going above and beyond taking your own babysitter. Your friend hasn’t appreciated your effort and is being difficult, just decline the invite.

If is so bothered she can booked the whole hotel - she is being ridiculous! There will be other people not involved in the hotel

Getting a passport will be tight for a 3 month old. They have to have their eyes open for the photo - took us ages to get the right shot. It can take ages to get the birth registered and you can't apply for a passport without one. I've just checked and it's about a 3.5 week wait to book in our county. Suggest you check where you live.

I don't think that's true, actually, for babies under the age of 1 in the UK. Their eyes can be closed.

That said, I still wouldn't go.

Yep. The longer this thread goes on, the more I think you should bail out of the wedding completely. Your great efforts are unappreciated, so begging is undignified, to be honest.

You need nicer friends.
DEFINITELY don't go.

Yanbu she is.

She's getting married abroad. It's a big ask to expect others to go abroad for your wedding but you've agreed. A lot of people wouldn't go.

You're still going despite the no children rule and having a small baby. A huge amount of people in this situation wouldn't go if it was local let alone abroad.

You're still going even though it means you have to fork out for your mum to also attend which will probably double your costs?

Your 'friend' should be bloody grateful but instead she's taking the piss even more. I'd be seriously reconsidering how much of a friend she is and I think I'd just say what you've done so far to ensure you attend and enough is enough now so you're not going.

I wouldn’t go.
I honestly wonder what happens to some peoples brain when planning their wedding.

I'm "Team No Fcking Way' you have no idea what type of baby you will get (crying all day or happy and sleepy) it's so much hassle travelling with a small baby and your friend sounds like a bridezilla/knb. For all the above I would decline the invite.

I don't think that's true, actually, for babies under the age of 1 in the UK. Their eyes can be closed

One small mercy!

This.

Decline the invitation. Then decide if your boundaries have been crossed (if they haven't, maybe take a closer look at them). Hopefully if you decline now you can keep your friendship intact, but I'd be wary going forward. How rude of her.

Your friend sounds horrible sorry. You're going to a lot of trouble and expense and tis is how she thanks you? Your poor mum...

"Mum is doing me a huge favour, at considerable expense.

I simply can't ask her to stay in a different hotel. Apart from the extremely difficult logistics this would create, it would be pretty insulting to her.

I am thrilled to be invited to your wedding, and respect that it's child-free. However it's becoming clear that the best solution is for me to drop out and for us to celebrate when you're back from your honeymoon."

If you can't say the above to your friend, then it isn't a friendship worth investing time and money into.

Good grief. You're going to all the effort and expense of bringing your mum to look after your 3 month old baby while you attend a wedding abroad where no kids are invited.

You are saints. Most people would politely decline the invitation on practical grounds. I declined a,wedding invite for an evening do while I had little kids who weren't invited.

My lovely MIL bent over backwards to enable me to bring my breastfed 3 month old baby to her wedding - albeit there were lots of little kids there (her grandkids).

Sounds like the hotel is full and somebody else is kicking off that they can't stay at the hotel, so she wants to free up your mum's room.

If that is the case, that sounds like a them problem. Your mum's room has been booked.

This is ridiculous. Your friend is in no way accommodating your attendance.

Nothing that you’ve asked of the bride so far is unreasonable. And everything the bride expects of you is. I wouldn’t even insult your mum by mentioning that she can’t stay at the hotel tbh.

Even if the bride is exclusively hiring the hotel, a true friend would find a solution for you, given your baby will be just 3 months old.

I think your friend is being a bit Diva like. If you are very good friends I'm guessing she knows your mum?