AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

[BunnyFox]

My best friend is getting married later this year and I’m currently pregnant with my first baby. Baby will be 3 months old at time of wedding and children are not invited (no problem, her wedding her wishes). The wedding is also abroad, so I’ve got my mum to come to look after our new baby in the room. The wedding hotel has no family rooms and when I rang and explained the scenario they said all I could do was book 2 x double rooms, (ok, no problem if that’s the only option).
My best friend has now asked if my mum can book another hotel in the area as she wants to keep rooms for wedding guests only. I’ve explained that I will need to be near the baby for feeds and perhaps to settle them, so would like her to be onsite. It’s my first baby and I’m trying all options and logistics as I don’t know how things will go, but I feel she’s being insensitive to my situation.

You sound like a much better friend to her than she is to you based on what you've said on this thread. Maybe think about that going forward.

Some random group could come along and book 10 rooms and then what would she do?

knows mum would just be upstairs in the room with my baby

And what do you plan on doing if baby screams the entire time? You'll just leave baby upstairs with your Mum and carry on having a wedding party?
No, of course you won't, you'd want to be with your baby and the entire thing would be a complete waste of time and money.

It could all go perfectly, but the chances are that it's going to be extremely exhausting and too much hassle for all of you, I just really really wouldn't bother going all that way for it to probably be a complete waste of time.

I've had 2 babies and at 3 months pp with both of them there were days when I couldn't face leaving the house.

Whether you breastfeed or bottle feed, you're going to be exhausted. You may have follow up hospital appointments. In the months following my first babies birth we had various hospital appointments.

There's just a million reasons why it's a crazy idea, least of all the fact your friend doesn't even want your Mum in the same hotel.

At 3 months neither of my babies left my side. You may find you are the same. You won't know until they're here.

TBH I think most of us aren't catastrophising, but giving the benefit of our experience.

DD used to cluster feed when she was tiny so I would have been absent at the evening do.

You’ll be doing the majority of the childcare if you’re breastfeeding as it’s a 24 hour activity in the newborn stage. You’ll need to wear something that is comfy on your breasts as they will leak and so you’ll need breast pads. You could be at the wedding and just thinking about your baby and you’ll get leaking. Your dh can do the nappies and baths. I don’t see what extra your mum would be doing unless she’s like a nanny and you are bottle feeding in which case she can do all the childcare.

My first was 7 months old when we first took her abroad. Just me and my DH, driving to France, self catering, all baby equipment provided. Super relaxed, and able to fit around baby's needs. Yet nearly everyone I knew back then thought we were mad to take such a little one abroad and on a long journey.

What you're planning is infinitely more stressful, and is structured around someone else's needs and wants (with an obligation to please her). And with a baby less than half my DD's age!

All sounds like a lot of hassle with a tiny baby.
You might go overdue , have a section?

OP my original post was vexatiously reported earlier presumably because I swore in it a lot (none aimed at you) but I will re-cap.
I would never go to a wedding abroad, on principle. Even if it were my sister or best friend. But I wouldn't really associate or be friends with anyone who would think of having a wedding abroad - unless either one of them was born there. Having a wedding abroad is selfish bridezilla so there is that straight out of the gate.But then the fact that this person is supposed to be your best friend, expects you to pay out thousands to travel abroad because she won't get married where she lives, then expects you to pay to fly your mother over to look after your baby, but expects her not to stay in the wedding hotel is Bridezilla Personified. She is well being selfish. And 'insensitive' doesn't even begin to describe her. What sort of person would do that to a best friend?

Your own mother watched her grow into a woman from 4 years old, and isn't invited. She is also expected to muck around between two hotels on the day. FFS, that 'friend' of yours rubbish. She truly is. She's a bridezilla and its bad enough making you pay thousands to attend her wedding (not even as bridesmaid, I note), but the absolute limit is her refusing to allow your own mother (someone she grew up with in her life) to stay at the wedding hotel. OP, please get the ovaries (balls) and self-respect to call her out on her bridezilla selfish behaviour. If you are best friends than direct straight talk in a text message should be easy. I personally would cancel. I would never have accepted as its abroad anyway, but she is really being beyond incredibly selfish and bridezilla'ish, and you should explain all this to her in a text message and explain why you're cancelling from the wedding entirely. You never know it may just be the shock that changes her entirely and wakes her up. Please have the ovaries to text her, because her behaviour is absolutely disgraceful and you make excuses about her being 'disorganised', but what sort of person treats their best friend this way? She has shown you her true colours. Given you are spending thousands on her for her selfishness of going abroad and costing you all this unnecessary money, the least she could do is allow your mother to stay at the wedding hotel. If not, cancel and don't go. She's shown who she is. 'Disorganised' is one thing, this is way beyond that as a true friend would put you first and consider your comfort (even pay for you to come).

Have you been in touch with her yet to explain the numerous very reasonable points brought up in this thread? The sooner she understands your point of view and stops bridezillering the better. If she comes back to you with anything other than "Ah yes, I've been a silly twat, sorry, do crack on as you were" that would be it for me. Wedding game over.

Unless your friend is paying for exclusive use of the hotel, which seems unlikely, it's really none of her business.

I'd say you're already being incredibly accommodating even going! As is your mum! It can't be much fun for her travelling abroad to sit in a hotel room with a newborn.

"I'm terribly sorry Bridezilla, but unless my mum can be nearby to care for the baby, then I won't be able to attend. Let me know what you want me to do. If you could let me know by XDate so that I can arrange or cancel flights."

I think it's very unlikely she's going to turn around and say okay, don't come.

Sometimes It's not just physically difficult but also mentally, at 3 months postpartum I was not ready to leave my son. I was also very sick after giving birth, extremely anemic and couldn't even stand and my son had colic there was no way on earth I could have got on a plane etc. but everyone's different I was speaking to another mum out shopping and her daughter was only two weeks old, she looked great and said she had been out and about loads that's the reason it's hard to plan things because you might be fine but you also might not be.

I was also the first in my friendship group with a baby and it took some years before my friends developed a proper understanding of what it meant to have a little one. It was in fact quite isolating for me and I ended up distancing myself from a lot of them because of it. My closest friendships did recover though, so it's not hopeless in any way - just don't underestimate how you will end up feeling about it. Your patience will not be what it is now. To avoid that, your friend needs gentle but firm educating on the matter. Another point which you can bring up in your response is that by the evening, your mum will presumably be very tired looking after the baby. She will want to go to bed so either she sleeps in the baby's room next to yours or she calls you back to take over from her. If she needs to go to a different location, that'll be essentially it for you and your DH. Frankly, if you can't even enjoy the dinner/evening do, why even bother? I personally was always lucky to be completely physically recovered by 3 months pp, but this situation is inherently stressful and your friend needs to show real understanding for the adjustments this will mean to you or YOU will end up incredibly frustrated with her.

It’s really not tiring looking after a small baby for a few hours if you’re not the person who’s given birth and having sleepless nights.

Best friend is bridezilla and a massive twat. But think you both probably don’t realise what it will be like to have a 3 month old. Tbh it depends if you breast or bottle feed. I am getting married abroad this year (all children invited and my best friend who will have a 6 month old can have her baby getting ready with us in the morning if she needs and all children are invited all day). I’ve also had a 3 month old abroad this year and it was a piece of cake he basically slept most of the day but mine were breastfed and I couldn’t have put them with my mum all day I’d have spent half the wedding with baby feeding/settling anyway so would have been a waste of time. Different if you formula feed. Very much depends on baby. DHs best friend wouldn’t allow our 2 week old to their wedding this year so I boycotted. “Friends” like that are not friends in my opinion. Book a different holiday for your family and have a lovely time as a new family.

“Dear Friend
I’ve thought long and hard about the logistics of bringing our new baby to the wedding. I’ve decided it’s not do-able. I’ll be very sad to miss it, but I’m sure it will be a brilliant day and I can’t wait to catch up afterwards and see the photos etc. Lots of love”

No need to blow up the friendship, although it sounds like your friend is demanding and very self centred at the moment.

Once your lovely baby arrives, priorities will change and friendship rituals that seemed super-important just won’t be. It’s a wedding, that’s all, and it’s not worth tying yourself and your mum into knots over it.

Frankly, she should be planning a wedding closer to home too. And don’t organise her wedding for her - technically, she’s a grown up, and you’re creating an uneven friendship.

Well, OP, unfortunately someone had to say it – although I’m aware this will come across as blunt and likely unsympathetic.

You’re being a mug. Unfortunately, IME people rarely respect this let alone thank you for it. This ‘friend’ is continuing to treat you this way because you are continually capitulating to her considerable demands, thinking that the next effort will surely satisfy her, and each time she’s responded with a new level of entitlement to surpass the last.

You’ve gone above and beyond what any reasonable person would view as the usual call of duty, with significantly increased expenditure in terms of time and money for both you and your mother. A clear pattern is emerging here: whatever you do, you are never going to make this demanding princess happy. So let her kick off. Even if you cede to her again, you won’t avoid the inevitable tantrum when the wedding rolls around and you have to absent yourself frequently for feeding. She’s guaranteed to see her backside about that, too.

This friendship is already on borrowed time. It’s going to end in grief anyway, so you’d be well advised to cut to that part now and save yourself a lot of time and money into the bargain.

Agreed.

I said as much 10 pages plus ago.
the friendship is 💯 in the shitter whatever happens, so OP might as well please herself.

She’s being selfish & cruel, tbh I wouldn’t bother going, your baby comes first & it’s not fair on your mum to be shoved into another hotel, who does this bridezilla think she is, save some money & stay home xx you don’t deserve to be treated like that x .

So, I was a bridesmaid for my best friend in 2023. I agreed to it before I fell pregnant with my second, but would have had a 16 month old with us anyway. I really didn't want to go, it was hassle to travel there for hours and my husband would have to watch our girls while I did bridesmaid stuff.
We ended up going, we took a 16 month old and a 10 week old. My husband had them most of the day due to me having to do bridesmaid crap and my friend and the photographer being b***s about me seeing my babies (I was breastfeeding so incredibly engorged especially as I could hear my babies crying!). It was incredibly stressful and tiring and my girls were so overstimulated they couldn't settle for hours that night 😭, but once they fell asleep they were down for the night (my boobs were not happy about this so I had to pump in the middle of the night).
Are you part of the ceremony or just a guest? It's up to you but your friend already sounds like they're being a pain with the hotel so will probably just get worse as it gets closer.
On another note, I have not spoken to my friend since the wedding. I've made contact but she has not replied. Apparently she is upset I didn't stay for dances etc but doesn't have the balls to tell me, me having babies was just an inconvenience for her. Despite me travelling for hours with 2 small babies, being extremely sleep deprived and physically uncomfortable for the day 😞

If your mum didn't come- it would be pointless you going. DH will end up needing you to deal with the baby and none of you will see much of the wedding. It would be pointless going.
Even with your mum there though, I chuckle to myself that you think you'll be holding up your friend and being her support. I barely even knew my own name. 🤣
I really hope you report back after the wedding and update us all how it went.

I don't really know why you asked her, she's not the boss of the hotel and she can't stop your mum booking a room, unless she has paid for exclusive use?

This (which I don’t think has been clarified in the OP’s updates?)

If she has paid for exclusive use then she's very silly to be denying anyone who wants to stay there a room, because she'll have to pay for them whether they are occupied or not.

And since it's a destination wedding and it's not for another 10 months, she's probably overestimating the likely occupation rate.

Gosh, you’re going to all that effort and thats her attitude. I’d be so grateful you were willing to do that if I were your friend. I’m sorry it’s so awkward but I’d consider spending my money elsewhere if you feel ok to miss out.

You’ve been super flexible given this is your first baby, the wedding is abroad and your mother is coming too.
Suggesting your baby stay at another hotel would be too far. I’d worry about other problems down the line. I wouldn’t go. But that’s me.

hmmm. My only query to @BunnyFox is about whether you want to go. It’s all very well everyone saying you should cancel, but if you’re looking forwards to the wedding, you have fab support from DH and your mum, then maybe it’s a good thing to go; and a darn sight better than sitting at home feeling terribly fed up because you’ve missed out on something.

IME travelling with a small baby can be ok esp with so much help.

life is full of challenges and experiences; grab the opportunities you want tho. But obvs with a room for your mum in the hotel.