AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

[BunnyFox]

My best friend is getting married later this year and I’m currently pregnant with my first baby. Baby will be 3 months old at time of wedding and children are not invited (no problem, her wedding her wishes). The wedding is also abroad, so I’ve got my mum to come to look after our new baby in the room. The wedding hotel has no family rooms and when I rang and explained the scenario they said all I could do was book 2 x double rooms, (ok, no problem if that’s the only option).
My best friend has now asked if my mum can book another hotel in the area as she wants to keep rooms for wedding guests only. I’ve explained that I will need to be near the baby for feeds and perhaps to settle them, so would like her to be onsite. It’s my first baby and I’m trying all options and logistics as I don’t know how things will go, but I feel she’s being insensitive to my situation.

The bride probably has people saying they can’t get a room and is trying to think of solutions.

Why can’t they stay in the hotel the bride wants OP’s mum to stay in? That’s the obvious solution. Anyway it looks like she’ll have two extra rooms, hopefully she’ll find enough people to fill them.

Also @BunnyFox, even if you are determined to go to this wedding, both you and the bride need to consider the fact that it might just not be possible, for all kinds of reasons. You might have a NICU baby. You might have terrible PPD. You might not be able to get a passport for your baby in time. You might have a velcro baby who refuses to be separated from you regardless of the fact that you've flown your mum out there at great expense.

I think she'll also find that wanting to reserve all the hotel rooms for wedding guests is rather over optimistic given that it's a destination wedding. Half the people she's expecting to go probably won't. And it's totally OK if you decide to be one of those people.

Firstly, Bridezilla is having her wedding abroad. Already we've hit Bridezilla. Worsened by the fact she expects her best friend there, AND to shell out thousands to attend, IN ADDITION to paying to fly her mother over and accommodation (mother who knew bride since bride was 4 years old and still didn't have the decency to invite her), and to top it off, expects OP's mother to spread herself/fuckarse around between 2 separate hotels. I mean seriously, just gtf with that! Everything about bride's behaviour is incredibly selfish and bridezilla.

The OP has tried to get a family room but their aren't any. A twin would be no use as her DH is there.

@Zanatdy have you even bothered to read the OP? She talked to the hotel and two rooms is the only option they gave her.

It's not about OP's mum being in the streets , it's about OP being in close proximity of her 3 month old baby.

If she wanted all the rooms for guests only she could've booked them all with a deposit and then have the guests pay the rest. What if other people decide to book rooms for a holiday? What would she do then?

And there is a demand, that OP's mum stays at a different hotel.

When is this wedding @BunnyFox ?

What is your friend normally like, outside wedding plans? I'd she normally flexible and understanding? Is she fond of your mum?
Is she generally a perfectionist with high standards?

If the answer to the latter is yes, I'd be concerned that even if you and your mum meet every single rule and preference, and having spent all that money, she might end up complaining that you weren't a 'good enough guest'. You are going to have to leave the proceedings on several occasions for a good amount of time, to feed your baby. She may well decide that you weren't 'present enough'. That would probably mean the end of the friendship for me, was I in your place.

So assuming that this wedding is six months away or so, I'd be seriously reconsidering, and either cancelling, or having a very realistic conversation with your best friend, to spell out exactly what your attendance will mean, for you and to her.

But she will be in close proximity as the mum can use the OP’s room, she doesn’t need to take the baby to the other hotel at all does she? Just because that’s not her room doesn’t mean she can’t stay in it during the wedding. It’s no different to the OP’s mum having her own room during the wedding is it, as the mum still has access to a room there. Yes it’s an inconvenience for her to go to another hotel when OP comes back to her room.

But asking someone if they’d mind doing that to make way for guests who are invited to the wedding really isn’t that awful to ask. Clearly many of you think its an outrageous ask, but it is an ask. OP can surely just say her mum would rather not have to travel to another hotel late at night on her own. If the bride kicked off, then yes she would be a bridezilla. But asking if Op’s mum minded doing that? Really isn’t as outrageous as you’re all making out. Telling Op to end her friendship with a childhood friend as she has asked this? Just OTT and people whipping OP into a frenzy, as posters like to do.

Do you know what Im in the stay at home camp. You will likely be tired from broken sleep, travelling abroad with a small baby is not easy, and going away messing up routines, feeds, equipment needed - it’s a lot. Trust us it will be exhausting for you, and disruptive for your baby. Sit this one out. Your friend doesn’t really get it either so likely will expect you to be at wedding breakfasts, cocktails - and you will need to be with baby.

Well they can if OP’s mum says no. Read the OP, the bride is ASKING if OP’s mum can book in another hotel. Not demanding, not kicking off. Bride is not going to end her friendship with her childhood friend over her asking this, nor is she cancelling going, so no, 2 rooms won’t be free will they.

I suppose this might not seem like an outrageous request if you're already the sort of person who doesn't think it's outrageous to expect a close friend to come to your destination wedding whilst she's on maternity leave but not bring her newborn baby and for her to pay for two air fares and two hotel rooms so she can bring a trusted babysitter with her. It's really just the watercress salad garnish on your shit sandwich, viewed in context like that.

👏👏I can only presume it takes a CFer bridezilla to empathise with one. No one else could think the bride is being reasonable. No other other human being would.

Am I catching a whiff of Bridezilla here?

Haha. Well I have never been married, and no I probably wouldn’t ask someone to unbook a room, but everyone here is blowing it massively out of proportion in my opinion. Anyway, I have stuff to do, OP, hope you get it sorted one way or another.

Who said the bride expected this? She has invited her friend. Presumably if OP said she can’t go because of baby then friend would have understand. Everyone here has created a different narrative for this, bride hasn’t demanded anyone attend, and hasn’t demanded the room back, she has ask if OP’s mum minds booking another room. Maybe you are all reading a different post to me, as I see zero demands.

Hahahaha yes I'm sure she'd take it really well if the OP said, "No, that doesn't work for me. Have a lovely time."

If there are other hotels very close to the wedding venue I'd just book one of those instead, since you probably have more chance of a family room and you're paying for it all anyway.

If not, your friend should suck it up. She can't police who books the hotel, and she'd be better off you booking the room than a loud hen party.

You don't really need all that. I took mine away at 7 weeks with a sling, I bought nappies over there, we breastfed and coslept, and you don't have to have a car seat in a taxi so we had her in the sling. Although usually taxis can provide car seats anyway these days I think. But I don't think this is the big issue here for OP

Hi @saraclara - good questions:
Wedding is at the beginning of Oct and I don’t have flights booked yet (childcare and hotel was paramount first) so I could technically get it all back if I wasn’t going.
She is normally understanding about things, but she’s a really disorganised person (she would even admit that and I’m helping her organise bits for the wedding as she’s been procrastinating and I’m worried she’s leaving some things too late). I think she’s panicking that she booked a very small hotel, in an unfamiliar location and is trying to organise remotely so any unexpected event (like my mum booking an additional room) is throwing her for a loop.
She is fond of my mum, and knows mum would just be upstairs in the room with my baby, it’s definitely not the case that she thinks mum will down around the party and overshadowing with the baby or anything.
Thank you for the advice saraclara!

I’ve seen a few people comment about a twin room so wanted to clarify:
My husband was coming with me. Of course there is another solution where he doesn’t come to the wedding and looks after baby upstairs instead of my mum. But I felt that me providing several accommodations for my friend and then her asking if my mum can then see herself out to another hotel was quite cheeky but wanted to sense check. @StormingNorman on here put it beautifully: “Your mum’s not a babysitter to be dismissed at the end of her shift!”
This is exactly how I feel but wanted to get others opinions.

I see why you need the two rooms. Could you and your dh take turns looking after your baby so that your mum doesn’t need to be there? Otherwise I’d say to not go because it sounds a huge hassle and cost and also it could be tough on you after the birth due to recovering and also not sleeping. I also would say to not not be helping your friend organise her wedding. Tell her that you are tired and need time to rest. She can find someone else to help her or even just sort it out herself.

If either not go or go with just your DH or DM. If it’s with your DH then share looking after the baby.
I love a foreign wedding and some of my best holidays were when my DC we’re tiny babies but I would be tempted to not accept this invite.

Why is she having it abroad but not paying your costs if you are her 'best friend'? Are you even her bridesmaid? And why hasn't she invited your mother?

As I said, she is not a friend, OP.

She is fond of my mum, and knows mum would just be upstairs in the room with my baby, it’s definitely not the case that she thinks mum will down around the party and overshadowing with the baby or anything.

She sounds quite mean about your mum.

I’m also fond of my best friend’s mum and invited her to my wedding as my friend’s +1.

I think your friend sees you more as organiser rather than a valued guest at this point so I would back out of the wedding now.

Yeah, DH could do definitely do that for sure. I guess I was hoping that with our first time on a plane and in an unfamiliar location I’d have both him and mum around me as a support network. In my head, my mum helps with baby (with obviously DH and I coming up at regular intervals), and being 3 months PP my husband kinda looks after me and I look after my best friend on her day - everyone propping someone else up, you know? Maybe I’m daft. 😁

I’m really grateful to all the experienced mums who are giving advice about how hard it is with a baby at 3 months. This is great for me to hear as I think I was a healthy mix of optimism, naivety and complete delusion as to how hard/easy this would be. 🙈

Honestly, @BunnyFox , I think I was a much more relaxed 'and baby comes too' mum in those early months, than many Mumsnetters seem to be. But even I, was I to have that time again, wouldn't be attempting this trip. I can only foresee stress and anxiety for all of you.

Exactly this ... your not taking your child to the wedding as per her wish. You are attending her wedding abroad and your mum is essentially your nanny for the wedding so her staying in your room isn't something that should concern the bride in anyway. Yes its her wedding but you're also her guest and she needs to have some degree of understanding. One double room or what ever it is that you've booked isn't going to end her or her wedding surely... is there an issue with the number of rooms available? Did she specifically check with the hotel what number of rooms was available for her guests and now she's out by one room because of your mum? I doubt it.