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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

614 replies

BunnyFox · 03/01/2025 16:33

My best friend is getting married later this year and I’m currently pregnant with my first baby. Baby will be 3 months old at time of wedding and children are not invited (no problem, her wedding her wishes). The wedding is also abroad, so I’ve got my mum to come to look after our new baby in the room. The wedding hotel has no family rooms and when I rang and explained the scenario they said all I could do was book 2 x double rooms, (ok, no problem if that’s the only option).
My best friend has now asked if my mum can book another hotel in the area as she wants to keep rooms for wedding guests only. I’ve explained that I will need to be near the baby for feeds and perhaps to settle them, so would like her to be onsite. It’s my first baby and I’m trying all options and logistics as I don’t know how things will go, but I feel she’s being insensitive to my situation.

OP posts:
MrsPeterHarris · 03/01/2025 23:57

XWKD · 03/01/2025 23:56

Her wedding isn't all that important.

This is so true! It really isn't important at all.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 03/01/2025 23:59

Cosyblankets · 03/01/2025 20:11

Unless she's paying for the rooms she does not get to decide who stays there

Even if she was paying its inconsiderate and wrong. I can understand if she wants to use the rooms for people to share and it will affect her guests but that is not the case.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/01/2025 00:09

This will cost you a fortune. Unless it's in a location that you would like to extend baby's first holiday too definitely ditch this plan

Linkle · 04/01/2025 00:14

Based on what you've said, I think perhaps if you do tell her it's the only way it'll work she'll likely back down and say ok fine then.

I would, however, consider whether it's worth using it as an opportunity to opt out as others have said.

Your friendship is going to change massively. Your priorities will change. You will change. Is she prepared for how different things will be once you have this baby as it doesn't sound like it.

Is she aware of how often you may have to leave to breastfeed? Is she expecting you to be able to do it to a perfect routine? To delay and wait if it's not a convenient time? What happens if baby needs feeding during the ceremony? Is she expecting you to leave baby screaming if it's photograph time? How long for? Is she ok with you quietly nipping out repeatedly or does she expect you to let her know each time?

Baby may still need feeding a lot and you going up and down is going to be a lot more disruptive than a baby in arms would be so it's an odd decision from her especially as you're a bridesmaid and presumably your repeated absence is going to be felt.

You could potentially still only have a 10 week old and I cannot emphasise enough how hard her fourth trimester can be and how much I was still in survival mode.

I can barely remember it and having to go abroad to a wedding and then leave my baby in a hotel room would have just not been something I was willing to do at all.

I was absolutely not the stereotypical anxious modern mum who doesn't want people visiting or holding the baby. I loved having people around him and holding him just as long as I was there too.

It's hard to describe how much more in tune I was with him than others, how much more comfort he found in me and the overwhelming urge I had to stay near and to scoop him up when he cried.

I remember finding it really distressing if he cried when being held by someone else if they didn't give him back quickly enough or if someone was helping make up a feed and not doing it with enough urgency as he cried. I knew I was being insane and expressed nothing but gratitude to the people around me but it was an overwhelming feeling.

I remember around the same time lying in bed and thinking completely seriously that if I could 100% guarantee that someone would love him as much as I did, I'd give him away to them in an instant. I did not go on to have any postnatal mental health issues at all. It's just those first weeks were absolutely horrific. I was recovering from a traumatic birth, was so sleep deprived as he had silent reflux and colic, and was living life in a haze.

Admittedly by 3 months things were definitely improving and I was becoming a lot more sane, so perhaps I would have been on the better side of it, but going abroad is pretty massive at that time and you'll potentially still be recovering.

Everyone is different of course but it is worth really thinking about it and ensuring if you do go that your friend understands how young 3 months actually is and what that is going to look like.

People have mentioned sharing the room with your mum, which I guess if you're not going with your partner could potentially work but I'd also consider that your mum is probably going to find the day really exhausting and ideally she deserves at least a good nights sleep in her own room.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 04/01/2025 00:27

I think you need to be reasonable and realise that your needs, your mum's needs, and those of your tiny, new baby, are a distant second to that of the bride. It may feel like you're making a lot of effort, flying to a destination wedding and paying a load of money, with a newborn in tow. But remember, a bride is basically the queen of the world, and your engorged, leaking boobs, the distress of your child and mother, the inconvenience and upset you will be subject to as paying guests, are irrelevant, when a bride - an actual, honest-to-God BRIDE - has a whim about some nonsense.

You will probably feel relieved if you say you can't go.

7ft1garysson · 04/01/2025 00:33

Haha, she can’t demand this, what a bridezilla

Summerlilly · 04/01/2025 00:58

I’m impressed you are actually planning on going at all. At 3 months old I don’t believe I left my baby.
She’s being ridiculous, and I think you should actually reconsider this friendship. I know there is some naivety when you don’t have children yet. But I feel like it’s common knowledge that they need to be fed every couple of hours.
Again is it also not common knowledge, 3 months old is counted as babes in arms and they are exempt from the ‘no kids rule’

FelixtheAardvark · 04/01/2025 00:58

I'd be saying sorry, can't come I have a prior engagement.

Your friend is being an idiot.

MrsSprouts · 04/01/2025 01:25

You'll reconsider going at all once baby is born!

LittleBigHead · 04/01/2025 04:26

they said all I could do was book 2 x double rooms,

Gosh, thinking about how much you’re spending to attend this friend’s wedding!! Two rooms, two flights.

And she’s carping at you?

Bridezilla territory…

Rachmorr57 · 04/01/2025 04:33

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rayofsunshine86 · 04/01/2025 04:40

Your friend is being so totally unreasonable I'd rethink the entire trip.

Stopsnowing · 04/01/2025 05:01

While I understand people not wanting to spoil the vibe of a wedding by having children running around and taking up a catering place I don’t see why you can’t take a baby to a wedding (as long as you take it out if it cries during the ceremony)
so either the baby comes to the wedding or your mum stays in the hotel or you don’t go.

HomeTheatreSystem · 04/01/2025 05:06

I think the bride must imagine your mum can stay in you and your partner's (not mentioned but am assuming there is one) room with the baby, then once it's all over and you're back for the night she can hop in a taxi and go to her hotel. What a charmer!

IdylicDay · 04/01/2025 06:08

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standardduck · 04/01/2025 06:15

Your friend sounds awful.

If my friend travel abroad to celebrate my wedding with their 3 months old baby, I would be incredibly grateful.

I would explain her again that you need to be close to your baby and if she is still being ridiculous, I would politely cancel.

When I was getting married, one of my main goals was for all our guests to have a great day and enjoy celebrating with us. I don't get why people get so incredibly ridiculous about weddings with their demands.

Climbinghigher · 04/01/2025 06:16

Frostyaf · 03/01/2025 16:51

It's very unlikely that when the time comes for this wedding, you will actually want to go.

This

Zanatdy · 04/01/2025 08:23

Ilovelifeverymuch · 03/01/2025 23:53

Where did she say her mum is coming to the ceremony? She's not but her friend doesn't even want her at the hotel which is absurd.

I meant look after the kids in the OP’s room, as she will be staying at the hotel so she can still be close on the day so OP can pop back to the room, just means a taxi or short walk back to her own hotel. I guess the bride wants as many of the rooms for the wedding party, yes quite selfish but my comment was to say that the mum being in another hotel won’t affect her looking after the kids during the wedding day as the OP will have a room at the hotel. Not a massive deal in my opinion, unless the other hotel is miles away.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/01/2025 08:26

Zanatdy · 04/01/2025 08:23

I meant look after the kids in the OP’s room, as she will be staying at the hotel so she can still be close on the day so OP can pop back to the room, just means a taxi or short walk back to her own hotel. I guess the bride wants as many of the rooms for the wedding party, yes quite selfish but my comment was to say that the mum being in another hotel won’t affect her looking after the kids during the wedding day as the OP will have a room at the hotel. Not a massive deal in my opinion, unless the other hotel is miles away.

I think that if you're such a bridezilla that you won't let your best friend bring her newborn baby to your wedding and you're prepared for her to spend literally thousands flying her mum out to babysit, the least you can do is not make a fuss about where her mum is allowed to sleep.

WhySoManySocks · 04/01/2025 08:28

I would say that sadly I cannot make it to the wedding.

Your friend is being a bridezilla and believes the whole world revolves around her just because she’s getting married.

Zanatdy · 04/01/2025 08:31

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/01/2025 08:26

I think that if you're such a bridezilla that you won't let your best friend bring her newborn baby to your wedding and you're prepared for her to spend literally thousands flying her mum out to babysit, the least you can do is not make a fuss about where her mum is allowed to sleep.

I’m sure the bride doesn’t realise people could kick off about this, presuming there are many other hotels nearby. It won’t prevent the mother caring for the baby in anyway as OP has a room too there at the hotel that her mother will use on the day. So the bride probably doesn’t realise that many people would be annoyed about this, she just wants her wedding party to he able to stay there and in her mind OP’s mum has a room and isn’t in the wedding party so not a massive hassle for her to stay in another hotel nearby.

AffableApple · 04/01/2025 08:34

Get refunds on whatever you can on you've paid out. She ain't your friend so don't go to her wedding.

PositiveModelling · 04/01/2025 08:35

Sorry if someone has already said this - but, OP, if you haven't done so then you really need to talk to your friend about the realities of bringing your baby along. I.e. that if you are breastfeeding you will need to duck out quite regularly to feed, OR she might have to deal with your mum bringing baby down to you. Neither of my breastfed babies ever accepted expressed milk 🤦‍♀️ so the absolute maximum at that age was 3 hours away, which I did once for a very special dinner.

It does sound like your friend has no idea about babies, so it she thinks it's reasonable for your mum to be in a different hotel then she may well be imagining that your mum being there to babysit means you'll be free for the whole day - which you absolutely won't be.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/01/2025 08:36

Zanatdy · 04/01/2025 08:31

I’m sure the bride doesn’t realise people could kick off about this, presuming there are many other hotels nearby. It won’t prevent the mother caring for the baby in anyway as OP has a room too there at the hotel that her mother will use on the day. So the bride probably doesn’t realise that many people would be annoyed about this, she just wants her wedding party to he able to stay there and in her mind OP’s mum has a room and isn’t in the wedding party so not a massive hassle for her to stay in another hotel nearby.

She needs to stop deciding what is or isn't a massive hassle for other people. She sounds completely self absorbed and if I were the OP I'd be giving her some tough love and saying either the baby comes to the wedding or the OP doesn't come. Bugger flying her mum out there and paying for a second hotel room only for the bride to continue to zilla.

Zanatdy · 04/01/2025 08:42

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/01/2025 08:36

She needs to stop deciding what is or isn't a massive hassle for other people. She sounds completely self absorbed and if I were the OP I'd be giving her some tough love and saying either the baby comes to the wedding or the OP doesn't come. Bugger flying her mum out there and paying for a second hotel room only for the bride to continue to zilla.

Many of you are making this poor bride out to be some awful person, simply because she has asked if her mum could give up her room for wedding guests. She isn’t asking her to sleep on the streets. The bride probably has people saying they can’t get a room and is trying to think of solutions. I’m sure she isn’t the demon you are all making her out to be. OP could change her room to a twin and free up a room that way. She is just asking people to be flexible, I see no demands being made, or bridezilla behaviour. Just pages of people blowing this up out of all proportion.

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