AIBU - friend wants hotel for wedding guests only but my mum will be looking after my newborn

[BunnyFox]

My best friend is getting married later this year and I’m currently pregnant with my first baby. Baby will be 3 months old at time of wedding and children are not invited (no problem, her wedding her wishes). The wedding is also abroad, so I’ve got my mum to come to look after our new baby in the room. The wedding hotel has no family rooms and when I rang and explained the scenario they said all I could do was book 2 x double rooms, (ok, no problem if that’s the only option).
My best friend has now asked if my mum can book another hotel in the area as she wants to keep rooms for wedding guests only. I’ve explained that I will need to be near the baby for feeds and perhaps to settle them, so would like her to be onsite. It’s my first baby and I’m trying all options and logistics as I don’t know how things will go, but I feel she’s being insensitive to my situation.

I think you and your mum would be better off booking a lovely cottage somewhere and having a relaxing little holiday together with the new baby. Wish the bride all the best and raise a glass of bubbly to her as you relax in the hot tub.

I wonder if its that she has chosen a hotel with just adequate amount of rooms for bride and groom and all family/wedding party/guest list etc which would explain why shes booked whole hotel. So if you take another room for your mum and baby then she would be a room short for one of the invited guests ( or a couple.).

Agree with everyone here that you should just sack it off. But first maybe explain to her about breastfeeding and just how small the baby will be? If she has no experience with babies she might just not realise. Some people have never even held a baby before. But I absolutely would not budge on your mum, and if she won’t allow it it’s a good reason to cancel going.

Honestly, I wouldn't be going. Having a new born baby, children not invited and the wedding is abroad so paying for someone to flyout to babysit, it would be a no from me. Add the fact that your best friend is being an arse expecting your mum and baby to stay elsewhere. I know it's her wedding but why are you being such a doormat? You are literally tying yourself in knots to accommodate her. It's okay to say no.

Nor me unless she was my best friend I’d be sacking my the whole thing off!

I’m shocked by this. Your friend is being completely unreasonable to ask your DM to move to another hotel AND accept a situation whereby her best pal is flying her DM over to look after your child (even if your DM doesn’t mind). cover the cost two flights, two lots of hotel rooms, meals for your DM. And on top of all that there is probably a new wedding outfit for you and probably a wedding gift?

Also, surely a child free wedding does not include newborns or babes in arms? Any reasonable bride and groom should realise you cannot separate mothers and babies that young, particularly BF babies.

so your mum would stay solo in another hotel to look after the baby

stuff that

either book the other hotel for all of you and just visit the wedding, have a great holiday - or don't go

Surely you and your mum and the baby can share one room?

100% this.

I’ve not gone back to her yet as I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable in this - hence the post.

@BunnyFox
Your "friend" is being unreasonable. Sack the whole thing off and stay at home.

Has the bride “reserved” a certain number of rooms / are a certain number set aside for her guests when she booked venue?

If so I can sort of see why she thinks this might be a reasonable request - even though it isn’t - and she is deluded about the effort you are making to bring your tiny (unwelcome) baby!

if it’s just a hotel and you booked it as a private and paying customer unrelated to the wedding then she’s actually mental.

Either way she’s not a nice friend!. Just say you won’t be comfortable asking your Mum to stay in your room until the end of the wedding and then be shipped away when she’s doing you a huge favour, and you need the baby on site at that age in order to attend, so she can let you know what she wants to do.

if she seriously says no then don’t go, book another holiday and treat yourself.

At 3 months old your baby is still very much an extension of you.
for the plan to work your mum needs to be very close by and you’ll be popping out regularly.
you could be sat feeding for 20mins+ at a time and an EBF baby will feed regularly.
even if you were FF, your baby will become unhappy at not seeing / being near you for extended time.

honestly, I’d be cancelling going altogether.

I wouldn’t be going. Are you planning on bf? Dd needed fed every 2 hours and wouldn’t take a bottle. A wedding like this would have been a bit of a nightmare even with a babysitter there.

I'd rescind my acceptance. Who needs this?

I’d tell her your mum’s coming specifically to look after the baby so you can be at the wedding. If she now expects your mum to stay (presumably with your little one) at a different hotel, then that’s unreasonable and you won’t be attending. If she wants you at her wedding and she’s insisting on no children then she has to compromise.

Suppose it depends if the hotel has very limited number of rooms and how near are the other hotels

Your friend has done you a BIG favour. Now you don't have to go. Believe me, you will not wanting to be going to a wedding abroad at 3 months post partem.

Hard "no" from me - you are going abroad (presumably at considerable expense) for the wedding, you've agreed to leave your 3 month old baby behind for the actual wedding, and arranged for your Mum (at further expense) to look after the baby, I can't see how you could have been more generous and accommodating! I thought "no kids wedding" usually made an exception for tiny babies anyway.
But the whole "sod off and find another hotel" is really taking the piss.

It just won’t work at all if she’s not at the same hotel as you, so if that’s the only option then I’d be pulling out anyway. Regardless of that I think even if I’d had the easiest of births and post partum stages I wouldn’t be flying my baby to a destination wedding unless absolutely necessary. You’ve no idea how you/ baby will be that early on without factoring in international travel and being apart trying to breastfeed etc.

Absolutely no because ultimately the wedding is one day and for the rest of the time your mum will be on her own in another hotel

you’ve gone above and beyond and bride still calling the shots

To be generous to your friend, if she doesn’t have babies of her own she’s probably clueless about the realities of a newborn and possibly even thinking if the baby and your mum are out the way she’ll get more of her best friends time. This is very naive but doesn’t make her a horrible person.

There are some big what-ifs that would worry me - you could be late and have a c-section so would barely be recovered yourself, your baby may be colicky/ cluster feeding etc at that time so you may barely be able to leave them anyway. Plus as others have said that’s tight for a passport if it’s in the middle of summer. Without a crystal ball you have no idea how it will be at that time so I would think long and hard about whether this is the best thing for your family - it’s hard when it’s hypothetical but her party doesn’t come before your baby’s needs. The earlier you have a conversation about this the better, hopefully all will be great and go smoothly but if you find a way to resolve this I’d also make sure she understands that things could happen which stop you going at the last minute so you don’t end up in a friendship ending bride-zilla stand off!

I'm sure this has been commented x100 but you're already spending a fortune to be there for your best friend, she needs to give her head a wobble. Tell her mum stays in the same hotel or you can't come. Simple as that

Just dont go, and definitely do not ask your mum to stay elsewhere that would be so rude.

Absolutely this

Your friend is BU she hasn't booked the hotel exclusively so surely other holiday makers might hav happened to book anyway? Not what you asked but why can't your partner look after the baby? You are asking a lot of your mum!