Am I being entitled?

[Realtalking]

Interested to know thoughts on this…

We have two young children. One 3 yo and 6 month old baby. We have both sets of GP’s close by but support is sporadic. They love their GC and come round and spend time with them but what I really need is for them to take the 3 yo out to 1) give me a break and 2) let them run off energy, explore new things that is hindered with a young baby. I take them out often, playgroups, park and walks but I can’t commit to long periods of time with the baby who struggles with reflux and I can see my 3 yo needs more time out the house.

Should I be expecting more from GP’s or do I sound entitled? Friends say I should ask the GP’s to do take out the 3yo or have them overnight. They’ve never had the 3yo overnight. They’re not elderly and work minimal hours. They’ve got the car seats sorted so I presumed they’d done that for day trips but nothing. DH works long hours so often it is me with both kids, including dinner, bath bedtime alone. I’ve mentioned this to my mum and help is offered but often a play date at her house (never outside) and I have to drop her (lives 5 mins walk) which is a big task with two kids and I just feel like it’s a huge favour to ask.

AIBU to expect more from GP’s? Or should I suck it up?

It's really tough managing two when you're tired and the weather is crap. But it sounds like your 3 year old has plenty to keep them entertained. It's not a bad thing for them to be "bored" on occasion, and to know the world doesn't revolve around them. It will make them a well rounded kid as they grow up.

Definitely ask for what you need. It’s open to them to say no or offer something else. And you don’t need to feel guilty about the older child getting less attention, this is the experience of all older siblings! They have to share attention and time. It’s part of growing up.

Loving the stupid comments about your husband ‘stepping up’ and ‘he needs to parent’. There’s an astonishing number of women on MN who can’t grasp that providing for your family IS parenting. It’s an actual responsibility of parents and nobody else. Your husband is carrying that part of parenting at the moment and is also providing hands on care where possible.

Ask for specific help and let them give what they can.

All of this.

I don't understand why people on here are so unsupportive given it's a parenting website. You might be right about the bitterness. Also I think there are quite a few competitive types who have six figure salaries, write books in their spare time, have perfect children who sleep on demand and wonderful DHs because they 'chose well'.

In the real world it's normal to get some help! I'm GP age OP and would definitely help but would hesitate to ask for fear of being the interfering MiL loathed on MN. My kids aren't at that stage but I hope they and their spouses would ask if they needed help.

I would just ask, the worst they can say is no 🤷‍♀️ Maybe they could build up to an overnight stay by taking your three year old out for gradually longer days?

Chat with them tell them your feeling overwhelmed and would really appreciate some overnight help or trips out for your 3 year old .
The park the farm my granddaughter loves this running around in the fresh air and I love it too.
I'm sure they would jump at the chance to take them out or spend quality time with gc.

As long as it's not expected pr feel entitled then that's fine.

You say you're fine otherwise, did you expect them to babysit over Christmas?

Was the second an accident, if not how had you planned for childcare?

I think GP help should be a bonus, ie being around when child is ill and not able to go to nursery.
Not to be on duty on certain days.

I know a mum who asked GP to do drop offs and pick ups one day a week. Soon went to three days and now GP does all 5 days.
Pick ups, drop off, play with child until mum finishes work at 5pm.

Give an inch & all that.

My parents had the same with us after they moved away from close family. They probably had it much worse than we do now (hours that they worked, commute times, high pressure/high stake jobs). However, because of this they are really keen to help us in whatever way they can.
Rather different to mindset of: “we did it on our own with no help and done our time so why should we help you?” that many PPs have.

Yup. You sound entitled.

You can ask, but unless your own grandparents got that involved I don't think you can expect much support.
Plus they are still working, they will have things they want to do in their spare time, you can explain you are struggling- but with 2 children under 5 that's really to be expected, and it depends on their own memories of this sort of time.
Ask and see what they say, but don't try to guilt them into it.

I’ve noticed that a large percent of responses have said you’re being reasonable - I don’t think you are at all. Sounds like the GP definitely want to help, they probably just need to be asked directly as they are out of touch looking after young children. And maybe they don’t want to over step x
just a thought! x

I think ask more regularly if he can have the kind of play date she wants to offer.

I don't think you can dictate what that do but the more time they spend together, the more likely it is to come naturally.

She might want to build her confidence in the house first or wait for the weather to improve. Plus just having her attention and being in a different house is alternative stimulation. It doesn't have to be running around.

Do the drop off if that's what she wants and just ask for an hour or so to start with, perhaps as a regular arrangement.

I love having my little granddaughters, but the park is really tedious, and tiring. I'm not in my 30s any more and five or ten minutes is enough. Having them come to my house is perfect. We have cosy times together. We play, we bake, we sit and read stories, or I open the patio doors and watch them play in the garden.

I have to laugh at you whinging at a 5 minute walk! My DD is 45 minutes drive away! We meet in the middle to hand the DGD/s over or one of us does the drive for pick up and the other at the end.

It's not wrong to ask, but grandma gets to decide what she does with your DC, and count your blessings when it comes to your proximity.

I don't understand why so many people are having a go at you for saying the walk to GP is too much for you - even if it's only a short walk, getting two little ones dressed to go out is an absolute nightmare at this time of year, especially if the baby is fussy and the toddler is being a toddler. I had to do it because we had no one who could help but I completely get why you're struggling and don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask for more help. Like others have said though, it would be unreasonable to reject help that's offered if it's not exactly on your terms, but even then I think if you're specific about what you want then the worst they can say is no. That said, I don't think it does the older one any harm being bored - it's a period of adjustment for everyone and they rapidly gain independence when they're not constantly entertained.

What worked for me is agree a set frequency of the visit that works so you can plan around that schedule (e.g. every Monday). I wouldn't suggest dictating what to do, but whatever they could do to give you a few hours to catch up on sleep or chores is helpful.

I don't understand why so many people are having a go at you for saying the walk to GP is too much for you - even if it's only a short walk, getting two little ones dressed to go out is an absolute nightmare at this time of year, especially if the baby is fussy and the toddler is being a toddler.

Oh come on @SillyQuail . Loads of parents have to do that every day, early in the day, to get their kids to nursery or the childminder and themselves to work! OP will be under no pressure to get there at a certain time, and she'd be doing it to just have some down time. Vastly less pressure.

Yes exactly - I said I had to do it and at times it felt overwhelmingly difficult and would have been glad of help if it had been available. I'm sure the OP knows many other people do this every day, that doesn't mean it's not hard sometimes and we wish we didn't have to!

Could the 3yo go to pre-school for a couple of mornings? Or could you find a specific group that is quite physical that you could ask them to take him to?

I'm quite new to Mumsnet so I find all these really interesting. I'm also a grandparent now (sorry, I'm not used to all the abbreviations yet)!
When my children were small I was lucky that their two sets of grandparents were around to help especially during school holidays as I worked part time. They never had them overnight, which was absolutely no problem.. I don't think I ever asked actually. I didn't think any of them would want to or be able to, as much as they adored being with them during the day. None of them drove, I didn't either, so often it was a case of meeting half way, taking them down on the bus or whichever arrangement worked best on that particular day.. and the weather.
They would all help where they could and it was good all round. I agree though, the hardest part was when one was two years old and the other a newborn. I did ask them if they would be able to help with the two year old and they were all amazing.
Now I have a three year old grandson, the complete apple of my eye! I have a regular day off each week so I always have him then. Quite ofter I do have him overnight as well, whicn I love, but I won't change my own work arrangements in order to do that. They will ask, if I can I always will, if it doesn't fit in I'll say no.
The other grandparent doesn't feel comfortable having him overnight and that's fine too! We all work together and help wherever we can.
I love being a Nana!

Hi all

can’t reply individually as so many replies it would take me all day but thank you for your inputs, it’s given me some perspective.

just to add my 3yo goes to pre-school and I do the getting out the door early with both kids on my own regularly so that isn’t it. We have a routine that works. 3yo also has regular clubs throughout the week that gives me respite (lovely little cafe I can watch them while feed and burp baby). I enjoy this and so does DC so won’t be stopping it.

my post was purely one written amongst the chaos of nearly three weeks off from pre-school and all those usual activities that keep us busy, and dc can burn some energy and I wondered if I would be out of order to have expected some help over the Christmas break, especially with GP’s knowing DH’s hours ramp up in his trade during that time. It felt they had gone missing and didn’t pop in which they’d usually do so felt very alone at the time of writing this post. And YES DH needs to do those hours to keep a roof over our head while I am on maternity leave! He would much rather be home with us but needs must.

Anyway, I have learnt from this post that I should have asked and I probably come across to GP’s as coping well with two little ones, which most of the time I do, but it has been very overwhelming the last couple of weeks!

I am pleased to say that MIL took my 3yo swimming yesterday after DH asked if she was free to take her somewhere. She turned up when the house was a mess and I had sick all over me... In those few hours I was able to sort through the post Christmas chaos of pressies and clutter, which had been getting to me, and even sit down while the baby napped and have a coffee. Order is now resumed and our normal weekly routines return this week (thank goodness). DH now also has some time off coming up after the Christmas and new year madness.

For all those that offered some reassurance and valid suggestions thank you. Some people on here need to learn compassion and to be kind to others. Also need to recall what it’s like to have young children, that we all need help sometimes and because you might not have had it doesn’t mean others can’t want it.

No our second wasn’t an ‘accident’ and I did think about this when having a second. I think I’ve been coping pretty well for the last six months but the Christmas holidays solo parenting for the majority of it got to me and I’ll remember this for Easter holidays and try and organise more things (good weather will help) and see if GP’s are around more.

I also need to remember that it’s ok if DC is bored while I tend to the baby, it will get easier as he grows up and is able to sit by himself. I will also ask for help in future for sure, thanks all!

It's OK to ask for help, but you shouldn't be solo parenting when the kids have two parents.
Has anything changed on DH's side since you had kids or has it all fallen on you?

Childcare should be in place so that you're managing most of the time.

GP can then be a bonus here and there.
If GP stop being able to help, then what?

Just this …spot on

Your Mum has offered, but it's too much for you to walk a 5 minute walk to hers with two kids? Why? Put the little one in the pram & walk the 3 year old. It will burn off a bit of energy for them so a playdate indoors at GP house won't be so bad. You could also ask your Mum how she'd feel having them both overnight so you can recharge your batteries. It should never be expected that GPs offer to have their GC. They have raised their own kids & may want to spend their time doing what they want & haven't been able to do coz of their own family commitments.

You sound like a lovely Mum OP! You are working so hard and organising lots of things for your toddler. Christmas is just hard without the structure and routine. I hope things start to feel a bit more manageable this week.

No, it's about being sad and frustrated that your extended family who supposedly love you don't want to support you with your own family. It's very hurtful, it's not about wanting free childcare or not being able to "manage your children".