Am I being entitled?

[Realtalking]

Interested to know thoughts on this…

We have two young children. One 3 yo and 6 month old baby. We have both sets of GP’s close by but support is sporadic. They love their GC and come round and spend time with them but what I really need is for them to take the 3 yo out to 1) give me a break and 2) let them run off energy, explore new things that is hindered with a young baby. I take them out often, playgroups, park and walks but I can’t commit to long periods of time with the baby who struggles with reflux and I can see my 3 yo needs more time out the house.

Should I be expecting more from GP’s or do I sound entitled? Friends say I should ask the GP’s to do take out the 3yo or have them overnight. They’ve never had the 3yo overnight. They’re not elderly and work minimal hours. They’ve got the car seats sorted so I presumed they’d done that for day trips but nothing. DH works long hours so often it is me with both kids, including dinner, bath bedtime alone. I’ve mentioned this to my mum and help is offered but often a play date at her house (never outside) and I have to drop her (lives 5 mins walk) which is a big task with two kids and I just feel like it’s a huge favour to ask.

AIBU to expect more from GP’s? Or should I suck it up?

Love that. I’m going to start asking. The funny thing is both sets used to take out our 3yo before the baby and now, when I need the help the most, nothing. It wasn’t often but every now and then. I reckon it’s because they don’t want to have to take both out which is perfectly understandable as the baby is so young, and I wouldn’t dream of asking them to take both out! Thanks for your reply x

Thank you so much for your perspective. Your DC and GC are very lucky x

Thank you for your reply. I’m not good at asking for help or favours, don’t want to put people out! But I’m going to ask in future. That’s lovely you do that for your sister x

It could all be everyone trying not to be intrusive / bossy / overwhelming, or maybe the GPs are worried you'd be offended if they took toddler out but didn't take the baby too?
Would it be easier all round if your husband spoke to his parents, and you to yours, rather than you to all of them?
As I said earlier, I think it's totally reasonable to ask, and say you'd welcome help, but it's not reasonable to expect them to know what you want without you saying so. (that's partly because I don't find it easy to guess exactly what people want, so I positively welcome clarity).

I would feel if she's happy to take 3 year old at her house then let her, don't worry about outside or not. We would always drop off if we could at all when they're offering free childcare!

I’m a young grandma and also a mother of young children (including a baby) and I have to agree, I adore my lovely GC and love having them to visit and sometimes now have the older GC over. However looking after your own children is so much easier on alot of levels as you are so much more in tune with them, the responsibility of someone else’s children etc. While at the same time I would want to help my adult DC if they were really struggling of course but are there any other options e.g. preschool for your 3 year old? I would also 2nd what another poster suggested re using a sling. My baby virtually lived in one until recently as there was no other way to feed and entertain the other children otherwise, actually found it much easier all round when we were all out of the house. You could ask but if they don’t seem keen then don’t push it unless you are desperate, however you could ask them if they would do something like help you make a list/trolley of activities which you can draw from to help you keep your 3 year old entertained

My dad was a farmer. He had a fruit packing business and my parents and older siblings worked there every summer.
I spent every summer with my grandparents.
At first I thought I was being punished because I thought I should be working too (I was 5), but later I realiised how fortunate I was.
I learned so much from my grandparents that I could never have learned from my parents.
I never heard the conversation about them looking after me — whether my parents asked or my grandparents offered — but you just need to ask.
The worst they can say is no — they won’t, though, because they love you and they love those little kids.
Nobody got anywhere without asking, did they?
Maybe they’re just waiting for you to ask.
Go on - ask.

The GPs have friends, I'm sure, with grandchildren of their own or friends with grandchildren. They're probably quite aware of all the rules and regulations new mothers are using these days and/or how things can go south very quickly if you go off script. Not that I'm saying you are but these relationships can be fraught with a fear of doing something wrong. So it's easier to NOT offer anything than to overstep or do something wrong.
I would question whether all the activities for the 3 yr old are necessary because they must be tiring YOU out.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wishing for some time alone. I'd be honest with the GPs , let them know you don't EXPECT them to help you but you've not been feeling great and is there any chance they could take the toddler for a whole day. It's a great opportunity for both to spend time together.
Or, I'd try and send both kids tbh. Just to reset and breathe. Would give you a chance to focus and plan how you can make things a little easier on you.
They may be waiting for the chance to help/spend time with the GC. I hope so and I hope you get that time for you

The worst they can say is no — they won’t, though, because they love you and they love those little kids.

That is not a fair thing to say.
They can still love the Op, and love her kids and say "no" for good reasons which you may not be aware.

Absolutely bonkers that on another thread the world is full of baby stealing GM who want to have 3 week olds to themselves to relive their baby days and 'do it their way'. Perhaps they could be drafted in.

I'm with you OP, really needed this respite, and my mum didn't do it. If I'm ever a GM (3 DS) I would definitely offer that help as I see it as love for my child, and giving them a break

This. I think YABU too; you chose to have the children and yes it would be great to get a ‘break’ but it’s not up to anyone else to do that other than your partner.

We had both sets of GP but they’d not have them alone and never overnight. I always had to be there. Mine are 19 months apart so wss really difficult as I basically had two babies. Once my Dh went back to work I had to just go places on my own with a double buggy. Eldest always wanted to be out, so I’d take them both to toddlers etc.

Ask for what you want but be prepared for them to say no - they’ve all had their children.

Personally I’d look at daycare. Maybe couple half days a week to give you some time? But that’s just me. I hate to be reliant on others.

But also, if you don’t ask you don’t get! Worst they can say is no. And you have to be prepared for the no. If you think you may resent them if they say no, then don’t ask, as I think longer term relationship is more important in my opinion.

Just to add (not sure if anyone already has) that reflux is a symptom of another problem e.g allergy, tongue tie. I would suggest looking into this more🙂

Is that trend of people or is it people who think that if you have kids you should manage them? Just curious because I thought having kids what the parents decision to manage.

Some people just don't enjoy being outside with children at playparks etc whereas it's often what the children enjoy most.

As a Nanna myself I didn’t realise just how much my daughter was struggling and would just visit for cuddles and to help out for a few hours, she always seemed to be so in control and I admired her ability to be so in control. Then she asked for help and explained how much she was struggling. I was so upset that I hadn’t noticed 🤦🏼‍♀️ and now spend one day a week helping out from morning until after their tea.
Hope that helps x

Unpaid babysitters?? That’s their grandchild. I cannot wait to be a nan so I can help my children out with them. It’s insane that people would rather watch their flesh and blood struggle with parenthood rather than helping a few times a month.

You don’t sound entitled at all. I’ve got twin toddlers and I’ve expressed a few times to family members when I’ve been struggling. Their response was ‘you got this, you’ll be fine’. I don’t get it. If anyone expressed they needed help and they were struggling I’d be straight there asking them what they need.

I agree with previous posters who say that they won't know what you need if you don't tell them.

Have you actually explained the issues to them as you have here? That you struggle to take the baby as well due to the reflux and what that entails, but you feel your 3 year old needs to run off energy more often, and you're not always able to manage that with the baby's needs taken into account. Could they help with that? If taking the 3yo to the park in rubbish weather is too much, is there any way they would be able to do something else energetic with them? You understand if they can't, but you thought you'd ask as it would help you and your 3yo, while giving them more opportunities to spend 1-1 time with them.

Do you have a soft play option near by? This would be a good GP option, as often you can sit with a cuppa while the kids race around wearing themselves out. They also often get some socialisation opportunities too.

Getting to spend 1-1 time with their GC might be a starting point to longer periods of time, including overnights, if that's something they feel they can offer.

You can ask them.with five kids when little and husband always working.no grandparents ever helped out or had the kids ever,i really struggled at times it was tough.if you need help ask.i did ask the odd times but it fell on deaf ears unfortunately .

Hello

I’m not sure if you’ve mentioned or not … but what about nursery for the 3 y/o? Do they go? You get some hours funded. Maybe your talking about the weekends which is Tricky…
just thinking if your struggling then lots of parents say they benefitted when the older one was in childcare/school as meant they could be with baby during daytime uninterrupted kinda thing.
We’re discussing baby no2 and I’m waiting until they get the 30 hours at 9 months so both of them can go aha and I’ll get some alone time 😭🤣 x

You're not being entitled asking but if the answer is no you need to accept that

as a grandparent who loves to help I think it may be that they think you are coping really well! You sound very organised with the 3 yr old - nursery, playgroups, dance, football, swimming etc maybe they can’t see where they can fit in?

To be fair Christmas can be a very busy time for all of you and maybe they’ve been busy and not really taken in that the nursery is on holiday?

you've had some great ideas on how to share yourself between the two children, which should help a lot, and with the baby approaching sitting up it will get easier soon. I had a similar age gap and a poorly baby with extremely bad reflux and never slept more than 20 mins at a time even at night and we played a lot of board games with me playing the baby sat on my knee and the toddler and I playing the baby’s turn - toddler loved that baby was involved!

also dont under value day to day tasks - instead of thinking shopping is boring but necessary see it as an oppertunity to have fun together - involve the toddler with cooking prep ( weigh, chop, mash, mix etc) housework ( tidy up together, use a duster, sort clean socks into pairs…) and shopping ( “ can you see the apples - we need 5, can you count for me? can you see the cereal I usually buy etc ) - they are all opportunities to talk and sing together, practice pre school skills - manual dexterity, counting, early reading skills etc

going back to GP’s You do need to communicate your needs but also accept that you cannot control or dictate what they will do with your child on their watch.,

I would agree entitled, you shouldn't expect anyone else to look after your kids. Total bonus and you can always ask, but can't assume. We knew when we had our DC later on in life there would be no help, thankfully lots of visits, taking in pram for a walk etc, however no looking after.

We had to pay for babysitters, rely on the goodwill of a close friend and nursery, that was it. Xx

You may ask them, but you can't hold grudges if they reject. Gosh, I have raised one child without any family or friends, full time job too, can't even imagine what it's like to get help :(