Am I being entitled?

[Realtalking]

Interested to know thoughts on this…

We have two young children. One 3 yo and 6 month old baby. We have both sets of GP’s close by but support is sporadic. They love their GC and come round and spend time with them but what I really need is for them to take the 3 yo out to 1) give me a break and 2) let them run off energy, explore new things that is hindered with a young baby. I take them out often, playgroups, park and walks but I can’t commit to long periods of time with the baby who struggles with reflux and I can see my 3 yo needs more time out the house.

Should I be expecting more from GP’s or do I sound entitled? Friends say I should ask the GP’s to do take out the 3yo or have them overnight. They’ve never had the 3yo overnight. They’re not elderly and work minimal hours. They’ve got the car seats sorted so I presumed they’d done that for day trips but nothing. DH works long hours so often it is me with both kids, including dinner, bath bedtime alone. I’ve mentioned this to my mum and help is offered but often a play date at her house (never outside) and I have to drop her (lives 5 mins walk) which is a big task with two kids and I just feel like it’s a huge favour to ask.

AIBU to expect more from GP’s? Or should I suck it up?

We need him to work long hours as I’m on maternity leave and statutory maternity pay so he’s had to increase his hours to cover the bills. He’s very hands on on his days off, it’s just those 5/6 days a week where I’m on my own really. We do go out but some days I can tell my 3yo is bored when I’m trying to deal with the baby. Just feel guilty about that mainly

I am sorry you're feeling like things are so difficult for you. What can your DH do more to parent and be around?

Why is a 5 minute walk with two kids a big deal?

At the end of the day, your mum has offered, but you don't like what she's offered.

x-post with @arethereanyleftatall .

Thank you, I just need to ask for help which I’m not very good at.

Fair enough @Realtalking

Does your 3 yr old not get free nursery?

What do you mean by saying that your parents work minimal hours?

How many hours are they working and do they have a commute?

It's unreasonable to expect anyone else to look after your children, but you can ask. The grandparents might not know what would be most helpful to you.

I agree with asking them although even if they’re not elderly I’m only mid 40s and youngest is 10 and I don’t think I’d have the energy (or my back and knees would cope with) regularly having a 3yo about!!!

You can ask but they are not bound to say yes. They are your children that you and dh chose to have. You are giving dh a pass as he works long hours but gps who will be older than you, have raised a family and still work you expect to help. Your mum offered a playmate but it's a big ask to take 2 kids a 5 min walk? I would be bundling them up and getting outside and if you want help ask for it

I'm in my 50's and I find my GC absolutely knacker me - especially the one who is 2 as it's nananananananana all day and he expects to be carried coz that's what his mum does!

And the 3 year old is in preschool?

You are entitled to 15 hours a week for free.

Are they making more work for you when they come over? Are they a distraction?

Or - might it be worth him taking less/normal working hours but doing bedtimes and you taking on some part time work instead to make up the shortfall?

If you don’t want to overcome your fear of asking for help, your only option is to make the best of what you have.

I think maybe you haven’t got your head around the second one coming along for the ride for the first year or so because of the reflux issue. Taking a 3yo and a 6mo out for a 5 minute walk really shouldn’t be a big task if nobody is disabled. Really, it shouldn’t.

You can’t optimise everything for both children at all times when there’s only one of you. Accept that, and go from there. Someone is going to lose out at almost every point. It’ll be a rare occasion with that age gap when everyone has what they need at the same time.

How many jobs where you work long hours give this option. Not the mention the financial aspects.

I agree with all the posters saying you should ask. I'd also say not to worry about a playdate at Grandma's house as not being energetic enough - I had a high energy 3 year old and friends inviting us to their house when the weather was bad was brilliant - it was something different for him so even if he was just painting and drawing with other children in a different house, he was much less chaotic when we got home later!

Also, is the 3 year old eligible for the free childcare hours? A few hours in nursery every week could be really good for all of you.

I'm also a little concerned that you seem to think a five minute walk is a big ask - that suggests that perhaps you are struggling more than you realise? Which makes it even more necessary to ask for help. If you don't feel comfortabel asking the in laws, get your DH to ask them.

The only person who needs to step up is your husband. He needs to spend time his 3 year old. He should work 'normal' hours - back in time for bedtime and looking after his toddler 2 days a week. Maybe your toddler could attend part time nursery so he can play and learn with others.

YABU, grandparents are not there to make your life easier. They have done their bit and should be able to enjoy their grandchildren on their terms not yours.

I think that I can see an issue with out of the house stuff because it gives the GP's much less control. Its kind of like walking a dog that's not yours. Onlead fine, offlead in an open space not fine.

It's entitled to expect things. It's OK to ask for help.

As someone with the exact same aged children and no family help whatsoever, I'd bite someone's arm off if I could get some help just a 5 minute walk away.
My advice is get a good quality sling, and put a muslin on your front to help with the inevitable reflux, keeps them safe and upright and you can run after the older one. Has been a lifesaver for me, as I have a 3 year old who needs a lot of outside time or else behaviour really deteriorates.

You should expect your husband to do more. Can he drop some hours at work?

I wonder if what might actually help is some tips on how to manage two kids at the same time, from other MNers who have done it? Ignore me if not, but I feel like that's the source of your stress, as opposed to whatever the GPs do or don't do. When you start to feel confident managing two on your own, you will feel less resentful! It is hard, but there are things you can do.

First sort the transport - so either baby in structured carrier and 3yo in buggy, or baby in pram and 3yo on buggy board (the one with the seat is worth every penny imo!), or baby in either and 3yo on scooter/trike/balance bike etc, or walking, reins if needed. Completely depends on the individual kid but find a way that works, that the 3yo enjoys. Go for walks to feed ducks, find a Gruffalo, fairy houses etc. Sling for around the house, if baby will tolerate.

Get used to parenting from the couch! Play Simon Says or musical statues. Use Cosmic Kids Yoga, Danny Go etc on YouTube. Get an easel or magnadoodle and have 3yo draw things and you have to guess what it is.

Get 3yo as involved as possible with looking after baby. If you're weaning, this is a great thing for older children to help with. Get one of those baby food sizing things (I don't know what it's called but it's like a plastic tube, and if it fits in the tube the baby can choke) - 3yo can help with chopping food and putting it in the tube to test it, and also doing the "squish test" to make sure food is cooked soft enough.

Divide and conquer as much as you can - so when DH is not working, don't all go out as a family (I'm not saying not ever, just not for the whole day). Let DH take 3yo swimming or to the park and you look after baby, then all meet up for the afternoon. Swap over when you can (weaning will also help with this!).

Do whatever you can to spend a bit of one on one time with 3yo every day - a really focused 10 mins will help even if you have to be looking after the baby for the next hour. Stick baby in front of the dancing fruit for 10 mins if you have to!

Are you exclusively BF?
Why not ask if they could have the 6 month old and you take the 3 year old to the park.

Having a reflux baby certainly wouldn't put me off of looking after them, been there, and it may be easier for them as baby may sleep in between feed times.

With kindness, I think you may be expecting a little too much from them, I've got a three year old and my in laws find it incredibly tiring just having her at home, even though they are reasonably fit, and she isn't much bother (she'll watch tv or play by herself etc), so they would happily have her at home where she will play or they can bake with her etc, but expecting them to take her to the park/soft play etc and run around after her is just too much for them, I had high hopes, but have had to accept that if I ever need their help with her it needs to be on their terms, and their terms are about making it as easy as possible on themselves, which is fair enough.

I can't blame them, but I secretly do think they are missing out on some experiences with her just to make life easy on themselves, but ultimately it is up to them what they feel comfortable with and I wouldn't dream of suggesting they do more with her, it's lovely that they show so much interest in her to be fair.