Am I being entitled?

[Realtalking]

Interested to know thoughts on this…

We have two young children. One 3 yo and 6 month old baby. We have both sets of GP’s close by but support is sporadic. They love their GC and come round and spend time with them but what I really need is for them to take the 3 yo out to 1) give me a break and 2) let them run off energy, explore new things that is hindered with a young baby. I take them out often, playgroups, park and walks but I can’t commit to long periods of time with the baby who struggles with reflux and I can see my 3 yo needs more time out the house.

Should I be expecting more from GP’s or do I sound entitled? Friends say I should ask the GP’s to do take out the 3yo or have them overnight. They’ve never had the 3yo overnight. They’re not elderly and work minimal hours. They’ve got the car seats sorted so I presumed they’d done that for day trips but nothing. DH works long hours so often it is me with both kids, including dinner, bath bedtime alone. I’ve mentioned this to my mum and help is offered but often a play date at her house (never outside) and I have to drop her (lives 5 mins walk) which is a big task with two kids and I just feel like it’s a huge favour to ask.

AIBU to expect more from GP’s? Or should I suck it up?

What about if you asked for them to have your baby so you could take your 3 year old out as taking a 3 year old old to the park or beach in winter doesn't sound very appealing and I wouldn't want to regularly take someone else's child to softplay unless their parents where paying.

Honestly I feel sorry for GP these days, even if they help it's the wrong type of help. Grandmother takes the child for a play date and then there are complaints about the minutes it takes to drop the kid off. Yes, you are entitled, these are your children, your parents have already raised their own.

You're entitled, and you seem like you expect a solution to come to you. Sort it out yourself! Ask, try new things, deal with the fact you chose to have 2 kids, now you have to look after them! I have 5 young children, I have never considered that anyone owes me childcare! They didn't choose for me to have children!

I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect the grandparents to offer a specific type of help without knowing what help you'd like - they aren't psychic. Even if they'd like to do this, they might worry it would be invasive or intruding. They might be posting on this board next week saying, "AIBU? My daughter / DIL is at home with a toddler and a baby, but she never suggests we take the toddler out, and I'm concerned she might think it's rude not to take the baby too, or be too pushy."

There's nothing wrong or entitled to say to either set of grandparents, "it's a bit tough at the moment, the toddler's climbing the walls, but it's difficult with the baby and her reflux too, would you like to take toddler for a few hours, let him work off some excess energy?" They can say yes, or no, or something slightly different, whatever.

I don't think it's entirely reasonable to demand a particular type of working-off-toddler-energy though, it's not that strange not to fancy a park in January, to be honest. If your Mum has him for an afternoon at hers, it might be a touch unreasonable to insist that she takes him to the park instead.

Speaking as a grandparent my life has been enriched by looking after grandchildren .I was very grateful as a working mother for my own mothers help .Other grandparents were happy to visit but not to help -which was of course their prerogative but also I feel their loss .Pre school age children are hard work but such a joy ! Helping their parents is a privilege.

Sorry @Realtalking I think YABU. Your parents have done their child-rearing, looking after you - and any siblings you may have. Would have taken a good chunk out of their lives - maybe 2 decades or more (depending on your siblings age if you have any.)

Why should they now - in their 50s/60s I am guessing - spend their free time babysitting your children so you can have a rest? You chose to have a child, and then have another. You have to suck it up I'm afraid. It's nice if grandparents can regularly look after their grandchildren, but it's not a requirement as a grandparent!

My 2 DC (both aged 30-ish) have no children yet (don't know if they will!) but when they do I will help in an emergency, and have them once or twice a month for full days (even a weekend once a month,) but I won't be a childminder/ babysitter for them on a regular basis. I do have my own life, friends, hobbies etc, and whilst I loved raising them/dedicating 20 years of my life to them, I am not going to baby-sit their children on a regular basis.

Upon first read I thought you were sounding entitled, however it does take me back to when mine were little and my in laws offered to take my eldest one day a week (I only had just over a year between my two). They came and collected him and dropped him off. It was an absolute godsend and I loved them so much for doing the to-ing and fro-ing as my back was bad at the time. My parents were good when around, but they had just retired and didn't want to be relied upon regularly, and I did remember being quite upset at the time, but also respecting why they didn't want to be tied down. They were actually quite forthright about it! (Both sets of GP's lived 10 mins away). Saying that, they would have dropped everything if the kids or I had been ill, etc.. and made huge efforts for birthdays and Christmases. I guess none of us should expect; but on the same token, there's nothing wrong with saying you are on your knees, and having the conversation. They can only say no, and if that's the case, it doesn't mean they are selfish, unkind, or whatever - that's their choice and it needs to be respected. I am out the other side now and don't have GC. I work very part time but .... I don't think I want to be relied upon either in the future 🫤

No i don't think you're entitled.

I think many of us have this idea in our heads of what it would be like and that GP would want to be involved but the reality for alot of us is that they can't even be bothered to come for a cuppa let alone have the children. Alot of our husbands are working long hours, stay away or just aren't available and that's hard. It's lonely and hormones make it even more difficult. It's hard to admit your struggling, particularly to people who you really want to care. Have you got a good friend or 2? Are there any local groups you can go to, to meet people? I gave up trying to get the GP involved in our lives and I don't anymore, I don't prioritise them at all now and I'm ok with that. I tried inviting them to things and it didn't work so after 7 years I had to stop wanting this and trying because it was very damaging to my mental health.

You had children. They have had theirs. Why should they unless they want to?

“I’ve mentioned this to my mum and help is offered but often a play date at her house (never outside)“

what’s the issue with that Op? @Realtalking

Maybe her mum wants the OP to come to her house and bring both kids.

Thank you so much for these great suggestions, I’ve screenshot your post and will start to do these things. We’ve starting weaning so will get my 3yo involved. Luckily the baby naps well during the day so there are moments where me and the 3yo can play and do things together. Appreciate your advice here x

If you, a much younger woman who is not working, struggle taking your 3 year old and 6 month old out for a 5 minute walk could you not see that it could possibly be difficult for the grandparents who work to take out a 3 year old for the day?

I find this sort of thinking bewildering and I don’t really understand why people who get on well with family members would feel this way. I appreciate there is a line but, IMO, OP is not even close to crossing it.

My parents fell over themselves (and still do) to help with childcare and lots of my friends’ parents do as well. They would drive two hours to collect DCs for the holidays, look after them, feed them , entertain them and drive them back so we could work. We never asked for this level of help, it happened organically and we are indebted but they expect nothing in return.
I think this may be partly cultural as well - my grandparents were the same with me. My aunts and uncles on both sides of the family are similarly super supportive of their children and are very hands-on grandparents without being suffocating.
We hope to do the same for our DCs if we stay in good health.

ETA - most of them were working and some still are

I know you said money is tight, but could you get some help for what I called the ‘witching hrs’ ( 5-7pm) when you need to feed , but they need a bath, reading, are over tired. That could be a grandparent… I paid a 14 year old to pop in on a Tuesday and Thursday for two hrs, to help. They laid out the bath towels, played with toddler, made me a tea!! , tidied kitchen from dinner, read a bedtime story til dad got back. It didn’t cost much. Broke up my week Helped more than you’d ever know……

Thanks for the carrier suggestions. I tried a sling once and I struggled with my back afterwards. I have been looking at the ergo carrier after you comment so thank you

This is a Mumsnet classic and as expected you're being told by multiple people that you're unreasonable.

To offer some balance...
In real life, parents of all my friends and family help out with their grandkids...ad hoc babysitting at the very least and more often than not, a more formal childcare arrangement.

Total opposite. A joy to be around they all say. My 3yo is a dream when out and very good manners so makes me sad that the GP’s aren’t experiencing this but I will ask the question and see what response I get.

My 3yo has dance lessons and football, then swimming every week so has a busy week! Also take them both to playgroup, and food shopping which is boring but needs must. Just thinking on the days/afternoons we are home that I feel guilty really But I know I am feeling like this more so because all those activities stopped over Christmas and I feel the mum guilt enormously at the moment. Back to pre-school next week and all the other classes.

This sounds amazing! That would be so helpful, I’ll look into it. Thank you

Thank you for your reply. I expected the negative responses, I was just curious to know if expecting GP’s to spend more time with their GC was entitled. I think I most likely worded it wrong and I appreciate all the replies, they have certainly been varied!

Btw walking my 3yo down the road is not a huge task - I worded that wrong. What I meant was finding time after feeding the baby, burping and keeping upright is hard at the moment and when we get ready to go out I might as well stay out so not really helping things. A sling/carrier will make this easier. Just if trying to help me then collecting her would’ve been easier (she’s a good walker and road conscious). Plus my DM hasn’t offered again for nearly six months. But I’ll ask again.

Also not expecting the GP’s to stand outside in a park in this weather, but it’s been pretty mild where we live over the past few weeks (just very cold the last two days).

Anyway, I appreciate most of the responses and will be sure to ask for help when needed.

Grandparent here I only work part time now when my daughters text me what days you working next week ?I ask why? (Bit of a joke)Sometimes its can you look after one or more of them.If I’m not busy I don’t mind at all I’ve got a terrific bond with all of them. Perhaps try asking they may love to but if they say no it’s nothing lost

I think this last point is a good one - people who are quite willing to help aren't psychic, so ask. I've looked after my sister's baby a few times for a day and evening, including one when he was only a couple of months old which was 50 miles away from where I live and 30 miles from sister's home, and was quite happy to do so, but I didn't ever offer - I didn't know she'd want me to. But she asked, I was happy to agree.

This post emphasises the huge variation in people's attitudes. I am a parent and grandparent and have a full, interesting life. That includes regular time with GC, and having them stay over when they were very young. I take them on holiday and do school runs too. I don't see this as babysitting, I do it because I want to and create memories. I adore them and they are part of my life.
I know several GPS who do this and several who don't so no one size fits all.
OP, I can really understand why you feel it would be really helpful for GPs to be more interactive and take your 3 year old out. YANBU at all