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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's another MIL one (sorry!)

226 replies

excluded57 · 03/01/2025 10:50

I will try and keep this brief but give the complete picture without drip feeding but just wonder AIBU to feel completely cut off and left out in this situation?

I am the MIL, my oldest son lives with his wife 30 miles away from us. They got married this year, her parents live round the corner.

They have been together about 6 years, and for the last 5 years every Christmas and New Year has been spent at their house with DIL's immediate family. They bought their house nearly 3 years ago, we were all invited there once and I have visited once on my own briefly since then.

Since the wedding 6 months ago we have seen them 3 times when they came to our house, 2 of which times were to collect their dog which we had looked after for them while they were on holiday and honeymoon.

We went to the wedding, I have 4 other boys (all still at home) and we all suited up and gave them a generous cheque which they appreciated. (I wasn't included in any of the pre wedding "stuff" but OK fair enough, that's not to be expected as a MIL and I didn't make any comment, there were 2 hen do's and I would have loved to have been asked to one but it wasn't to be and I respect that, not a word was said about that other than to my DH). I hope I get on well with my DIL, I always make an effort to be friendly and supportive and try to be the MIL I would like to have.

This Christmas however has been a bit of a revelation, I haven't seen my son or his wife at all since mid November, had a brief Facetime with him on Christmas Day and a text message New Years Eve to thank us for their presents. (Both times they had family with them, her family not any of us sadly).

I don't want to interfere, I wait to be invited, particularly as there are 6 of us if all of us are asked which is a lot to accommodate even for a short visit, but this Christmas has been a killer and I suppose it has given me a taste of how things will be in the future if they have children, I will have very little chance to bond with any GC if things stay as they are.

I get the old adage about a son is a son until he gets a wife, but I am so hurt. I did text him after he asked his brother if I was OK because I had only briefly replied to the NYE text. So I simply said I was sad we never see them, and got an essay about they have been busy and they get fed up of always coming to us (unless of course it is to drop off or collect their dog ...... yet they never ever ask us there, other than a BBQ in the summer which happened to be the day after I buried my mum so I didn't feel like going to that and explained why and thought they understood) I really don't think he gets the issue somehow, I did say to him I don't expect regular visits but the odd phone call would be appreciated. (There was a bit more I could have said, like saying we are never invited or they don't mind travelling here if there is free dog care but I didn't, I wanted to avoid an argument)

How on earth do other MILs in this situation cope?? It is heartbreaking and I am struggling to accept that this side of the family is definitely right down the pecking order ....... Words of wisdom will be hugely appreciated x

OP posts:
PriOn1 · 03/01/2025 10:54

It wouldn’t cross my mind to wait for an invitation to visit my children, nor would I expect my parents to do so.

If I want to see them, I ask when it’s convenient?

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/01/2025 10:57

PriOn1 · 03/01/2025 10:54

It wouldn’t cross my mind to wait for an invitation to visit my children, nor would I expect my parents to do so.

If I want to see them, I ask when it’s convenient?

I have 3 sons and I was just thinking the same thing - that it all sounds a bit 'formal'.

My own parents would ring to make sure we're home and say, 'Mind if we pop in about 3 if you're home?'

I do the same to mine except it's a text nowadays.

CrispyCrumpets · 03/01/2025 10:58

I think waiting for an invitation sounds a bit formal. If I wanted to see someone I'd drop them a line or give them a quick call and just ask if they were free one day over the next couple of weeks, and is there somewhere close to them they want to meet up for a meal, walk and have a brew at theirs after or something like that. Your daughters family are obviously more proactive at keeping a dialog open and arranging things together. Don't sit and wait around, just tell him, hi son, lets put a date in the calendar this month shall we?

2Rebecca · 03/01/2025 10:59

How old are your "boys"? If they aren't children do they have to come when you visit? 6 is a lot of extra people in a house. You're seeing a fair amount of your son considering he lives 30 miles away. Maybe sometimes suggest visiting for a few hours and leave your husband to look after the boys if they can't be left. Once I'd left home I saw my parents 3 or 4 times a year

toomuchfaff · 03/01/2025 11:01

So firstly, stop bounding yourself to your other 4 sons. You are not 6, Unless those kids are toddlers, then you're PIL - 2. The others are Brothers. If they are toddlers, then you arrange stuff to incorporate them or you find childcare. You don't have to always be 6 when you go.

Stop assuming they should Invite you, they should come to you - nonsense.

Morning son,
thinking of arranging something this weekend,
next weekend,
would you like to go to X,
can we come to see you next month
what are you do g for Christmas next year,
would you like to come to us at Easter

It's not one-sided, you're not the queen. You're the mother, who lives far away, who doesn't get in touch, who doesn't seem interested, who's only been once, who only facetimes once. See the picture from the other side?

ChristmasGrinch24 · 03/01/2025 11:01

Gosh your like my mum.

My brother is like this. Nobody would ever hear from him or know how he's doing if we didn't message my SIL.
My parents always expect a formal invite, just turn up & see them!

2Rebecca · 03/01/2025 11:02

My son is a young adult and if I want to see him I say "I'd like to see you for a couple of days in x month" He's several hours away with no spare bedroom so I book a hotel for a couple of nights and see him in the evenings when he's not working entertaining myself during the day

BodyKeepingScore · 03/01/2025 11:02

I'm not sure why you can't just visit them without it being a mass visit of 6 people each time?

Have you ever suggested visiting your son unprompted to see what his response would be? Why do you have to be formally invited to do so?

2Rebecca · 03/01/2025 11:03

NO to unprompted visits. I'd hate that.

caramac04 · 03/01/2025 11:03

It’s tricky but I think the way forward would be to say for eg ‘Hi both, I’d like to pop over for an hour on Saturday if you’re free. Say about 1pm for a cuppa? If you’re busy when are you free?’
Or maybe offer to treat them to a coffee out somewhere near their home, any nice walks near there with a cafe or pub?
Try and build a routine of this say once a month. Then, if they have a baby you already have regular visit times.

Marleigh0 · 03/01/2025 11:03

Why are you waiting for an invitation? Why aren't you saying are you free at the weekend if we pop over? Are you free at the weekend to pop to us? It sounds like the communication both ways is terrible.

Tusktusk · 03/01/2025 11:05

I agree with those above saying that you don’t need to wait for an invitation. Especially as your son has said he doesn’t want to always be the one travelling to you.
Also, you can ring him - it doesn’t have to be him ringing you.
If you can be a bit more proactive in maintaining the relationship now, you will have a better chance of being closer to any grandchildren when they come along.
I think you sound lovely by the way. Being the kind of MIL you would have liked sounds like a great attitude.
And it’s worth remembering that people in their 20s are really quite wrapped up in their own existences, or at least, unaware of the feelings of their parents.

Marleigh0 · 03/01/2025 11:05

ChristmasGrinch24 · 03/01/2025 11:01

Gosh your like my mum.

My brother is like this. Nobody would ever hear from him or know how he's doing if we didn't message my SIL.
My parents always expect a formal invite, just turn up & see them!

Definitely don't do this! Just turning up to see them is a recipe for disaster. Just communicate with them and say are you free for a catch up.

PriOn1 · 03/01/2025 11:05

ChristmasGrinch24 · 03/01/2025 11:01

Gosh your like my mum.

My brother is like this. Nobody would ever hear from him or know how he's doing if we didn't message my SIL.
My parents always expect a formal invite, just turn up & see them!

Yes, this would be my other recommendation. Try to build a relationship with your daughter in law. You might find there’s better contact! Fairly sure I phoned my MIL more often than her son did sometimes!

caramac04 · 03/01/2025 11:05

2Rebecca · 03/01/2025 11:03

NO to unprompted visits. I'd hate that.

I’d always prefer some notice of a visit so I can make sure the house is tidy and I’m not slobbing around in my dressing gown

festivemouse · 03/01/2025 11:06

Why is this a being a "MIL" problem - there's nothing about this to do with being a MIL. It's being a Mum to your son - he should be getting in touch with you, arranging things, getting plans in, involving himself in your life etc. It's not your DILs issue.

Why do you come attached to your other children, why is it 6 of you - not just you and his dad?

Don't wait for your son to make all of the moves if he's not going to - did you bring him up with a good relationship with you? Did you teach him as an adult how to make plans etc? If not, you're reaping what you've sown.

AyrnotAir · 03/01/2025 11:07

Do you message to go visit? 30 miles really isn't far. My eldest dd lived further away and id just message and say are you free this weekend to pop up and see you/go for lunch etc. Maybe he doesn't invite you as he doesn't think you're interested as you never ask to go. It would take 50 mins roughly to drive that surely unless you are in the middle of London.

whatusernameisavailabl · 03/01/2025 11:07

It could be in your quest not to be a certain way you’ve given them the impression you are not wanting to see them more

I agree with other posters to take more action to see them

his defensiveness does speak to me of guilty feelings on his part though. If my parents were saving me hundreds in kennel fees or doing anything else for that matter to help me out I’d make effort to see them aside from that

BlueMum16 · 03/01/2025 11:09

PriOn1 · 03/01/2025 10:54

It wouldn’t cross my mind to wait for an invitation to visit my children, nor would I expect my parents to do so.

If I want to see them, I ask when it’s convenient?

My MIL will always wait for an invite. She will knock on the door (even though she's expected) and them sit as a visitor and want waiting on with drinks.

Even on DC/DH birthdays she waits for an invite and never mucks in with cake or drinks etc

I make her welcome and tell her to drop in whenever. DH never rings her it's always me.

She has in her head it is my house not ours and therefore she cannot turn up and make a brew.

Please try and be more natural around them. Call, visit, invite them over.

Forgottobuymincepies · 03/01/2025 11:09

Sadly I don't see my ds now his gf wears the trousers. He is obviously happy with that so I have stayed away. After the abusive 5 page rant I know my place. I doubt he ever saw the conversation between us.... Message your ds before it's too late for you op.

Maddy70 · 03/01/2025 11:12

Hi xxx are you in this afternoon? Fancy a coffee?

standardduck · 03/01/2025 11:14

How's your relationship with your son? I don't see this as your DIL issue.

Sounds a bit weird to wait for them to invite you unless your relationship with your son is not a close one.

Awrite · 03/01/2025 11:14

Just to echo everyone else, just message when you want to visit.

I would imagine that's what your son's in-laws do.

JC03745 · 03/01/2025 11:15

Maybe I missed this, but any reason you didn't invite them to yours for Christmas?

Why do all 6 of you need to visit en-masse! Unless the 'boys' have special needs/babies etc I too would be that a bit much if it was every, single time you visited!

fufulina · 03/01/2025 11:16

Why frame this as you being the MIL? You’re his mother. What has DIL got to do with it?

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