It's another MIL one (sorry!)

[excluded57]

I will try and keep this brief but give the complete picture without drip feeding but just wonder AIBU to feel completely cut off and left out in this situation?

I am the MIL, my oldest son lives with his wife 30 miles away from us. They got married this year, her parents live round the corner.

They have been together about 6 years, and for the last 5 years every Christmas and New Year has been spent at their house with DIL's immediate family. They bought their house nearly 3 years ago, we were all invited there once and I have visited once on my own briefly since then.

Since the wedding 6 months ago we have seen them 3 times when they came to our house, 2 of which times were to collect their dog which we had looked after for them while they were on holiday and honeymoon.

We went to the wedding, I have 4 other boys (all still at home) and we all suited up and gave them a generous cheque which they appreciated. (I wasn't included in any of the pre wedding "stuff" but OK fair enough, that's not to be expected as a MIL and I didn't make any comment, there were 2 hen do's and I would have loved to have been asked to one but it wasn't to be and I respect that, not a word was said about that other than to my DH). I hope I get on well with my DIL, I always make an effort to be friendly and supportive and try to be the MIL I would like to have.

This Christmas however has been a bit of a revelation, I haven't seen my son or his wife at all since mid November, had a brief Facetime with him on Christmas Day and a text message New Years Eve to thank us for their presents. (Both times they had family with them, her family not any of us sadly).

I don't want to interfere, I wait to be invited, particularly as there are 6 of us if all of us are asked which is a lot to accommodate even for a short visit, but this Christmas has been a killer and I suppose it has given me a taste of how things will be in the future if they have children, I will have very little chance to bond with any GC if things stay as they are.

I get the old adage about a son is a son until he gets a wife, but I am so hurt. I did text him after he asked his brother if I was OK because I had only briefly replied to the NYE text. So I simply said I was sad we never see them, and got an essay about they have been busy and they get fed up of always coming to us (unless of course it is to drop off or collect their dog ...... yet they never ever ask us there, other than a BBQ in the summer which happened to be the day after I buried my mum so I didn't feel like going to that and explained why and thought they understood) I really don't think he gets the issue somehow, I did say to him I don't expect regular visits but the odd phone call would be appreciated. (There was a bit more I could have said, like saying we are never invited or they don't mind travelling here if there is free dog care but I didn't, I wanted to avoid an argument)

How on earth do other MILs in this situation cope?? It is heartbreaking and I am struggling to accept that this side of the family is definitely right down the pecking order ....... Words of wisdom will be hugely appreciated x

I live a 40 minute drive away from my mum, I feel like me and my DW see her quite regularly, once a month. We both work full time so weekends are our only free time. Id say we’re close, but I prompt most plans and it’s somehow now turned in to an always being an event. Like we go for a meal. This month we’re going London for my birthday, next month I got her Katherine Ryan tickets for hers.

But yet every time I speak to her she makes infuriating comments about how she’s been telling her DSis that she’s not seen me for ages. She doesn’t invite me over, she doesn’t ask to pop in. I find it so frustrating that if she wants to see me more then it’s up to her to start taking more initiative.

You are not a passive participant in your relationship. Take some initiative and invite and arrange things for your DS and DIL

SIX adults rocking up would make most people think ''oh heck, where will everyone sit?''
That's a lot of bottoms to seat unless one has a large house with a lot of chairs!

@excluded57 Turn up alone sometimes to see your son, much less of a faff.

Just come back from walking my dogs and thank you everyone for the comments.

I can't reply to each but my 4 boys at home are OK to be left, the 2 younger ones can be kept an eye on by the 2 older ones, so I will take that on board.

I also take on board that I need to contact more and initiate things, I didn't want to seem pushy by inviting myself along to their house but it seems me waiting to be asked because I didn't want to appear pushy might be interpreted as not being bothered which is absolutely not the case.

We aren't a dressing up family, I work outside so live in scruffy stuff which is why the suited up comment was made, we all made a huge effort to buy new outfits and dress up and look nice for their wedding.

Their Christmas is pretty much set in stone, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day her family at their house and then boxing day they go to her extended family. I did message just before Christmas to say we would be free anytime from Christmas Day onwards and would love to see them but was ghosted until NYE when I just got a text wishing me happy new year.

Will definitely be more proactive in future. Those who asked about us having the dog for them, it isn't a huge issue as we have 2 ourselves, just one lot of extra mud! However it makes me sad that if we hadn't have provided free dog care then they would have come to ours just once this past 6 months.

Thanks wise ones!

Do you have a family WhatsApp group that includes DIL?
Useful way of keeping in touch about the day to day chit chat, little updates etc.
Easy to then drop in something like, are you free Saturday afternoon for a coffee?

Also, not sure if you just messaged once about Xmas, it seems like that.
I would say after a couple of unresponded to messages I'd phone.

@excluded57 do you mean her parents arrive on christmas eve and stay till boxing day when they only live around the corner???? cant believe your son is happy with that!

I did message just before Christmas to say we would be free anytime from Christmas Day onwards and would love to see them but was ghosted until NYE when I just got a text wishing me happy new year.

Your DS is very, very rude. Anyway DH can have a word about having respect for his mother? Cheeky sod.

Exactly this.

Are you always so dramatic . They did not ghost you they were busy. My DD and I speak weekly, but the boys 3 - 4 weeks. I suggest you do what I do. If I have not heard, I just text Hiya, how are things. Sometimes I get a text back sometimes a phone call. Usually about two or three days later

My mother in law never visits unless I give her a specific invite, it makes it feel like she doesn't want to. She pops by my sils without waiting for an invite and we find it hurtful she never just messages to say are you free any day this week for me to come and see you.

Shes really lovely too but just obviously not interested in visiting unless we go to her. Maybe your son and dil feel the same

You sound a little like my in-laws who never initiate anything yet complain they don't see us. From thier POV we "see" my side more. But my mum will pop by on a walk, dad will call in with something from the shop, I'll pop to theirs, or we'll send a quick "fancy the pub" message. None of this is hugely organised/planned and we used to ask in-laws. Until they never said yes to anything. Now we've stopped asking.

Also the idea that you made effort for their wedding and need repaying is mad. Surely you would dress nicely for a wedding anyway.

I love this! I have an awful relationship with my inlaws but I'd definitely respond positively to that x

It takes two minutes to answer an enquiry about Christmas. But they, deliberately it seems, didn't answer until over a week later when Christmas had passed. No-one is THAT busy.

But who texts an invite for Christmas on Christmas? In my world Christmas plans if spending with family are confirmed 4/5 months in advance. Sometimes a year in advance. I’ve already agreed to spend next Christmas was my DM and booked it for next year. I’d be pretty put out if I got that text last minute from a family member after not having a discussion before hand. Just an expectation that I’m going to make the journey to them when I’ve already got plans. It sounds like DS feels his mum makes no effort either and so that text probably got his back up

Can you ask them round for Christmas 2025, rather than waiting for an invitation?

Going from what you have wrote, they spent Christmas with wife's parents as they only see you a few times a year. So clearly they're closer with them.
30 miles is not far at all.
You're waiting for an invite to see them - Why not just ask when they're free?
My in laws barely see us or our kids, hardly know what's going on in our lives (other kids and grandkids included) then wonder why they're not invited for Christmas.

I expect they did not get into texting. having to explain or justify why they did not want to see them. You ask ‘Who is that busy’ I say lots of people. Particularly those who are feeling pressured into long conversations. I think if they had replied in the negative, it would just added another chip on the shoulder of the MiL.

He's 'fed up' of of 'always' going to you?

When he's visited 1 time in six months; the other 2 trips were to pick up his own dogs after you did him a massive favour in having them.

When the only invitation he's extended to you in the last year is for a BBQ the day after you buried your mother, so you were grieving and not up to socialising? (Sounds like a fake invitation, frankly, knowing you wouldn't go.)

He sounds selfish, frankly. Plenty of time for his own inlaws, but not his own family who have stayed quiet, stumped up for gifts when asked, stumped up for favours when asked, not been pushy about contact. And he kicks off when you said you felt 'sad' about the lack of seeing him after the the 5th or 6th year in a row of not seeing him over the holidays while he had plenty of time for the inlaws?

I'm sorry, OP. Suspect you'll only see him again when he wants or needs something from you.

Perhaps there is another reason they don't want to visit, such as your house is noisy, messy, chaotic, smelly, etc

This sounds really hard OP. Tbh I think it's really poor that you were not included in the hen or any of the wedding prep. I know it's not necessary to involve MIL but it's a nice touch to do that and I know many people who have done it that way to the point I think it's pretty mean not to.
I think other posters are right about maybe trying to visit more. If you don't want to impose you could let them know in advance ' we're going a drive to X on Sunday and thought it would be nice to pop by on our way back for a cuppa ' sort of thing.
You're definitely right about wanting to correct this before any grandchildren arrive (if they do) as if you wait until then it will seem like that is all you're interested in which isn't the case as you do actually want a good relationship with son and DIL now. I think forget all the negativity from before, start with a clean slate where you are more proactive (but not overbearing) and see how it goes. Good luck ❤️

There is one thing that struck me on the opening post. It is something that runs through a lot of this theme and particularly prevalent on the GN estrangement threads. “We gave them a very generous cheque”. It really had no need to be said. It does not reflect well on the poster.

I didn't say I needed repaying, merely to illustrate the fact that we made an effort.

N'ah, they live round the corner so go home in between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and then the boxing day trip was to more family so not at their house the whole.

I didn't invite them for Christmas Day because I knew they would turn us down, they always have DIL's family for Christmas Day. I did suggest boxing day and any day afterwards but no response

I think my advice would be to talk to DS, explain you’ve been reflecting on your own part in not seeing him often. Explain you didn’t want to impose so have been hoping they will invite you but you realise now that by not making the first move this could have been interpreted as you not being bothered but that’s far from the truth. Ask if it’s ok for you to visit them more often or suggest meeting up for lunch/coffee/walk etc.

That way you’re not being accusatory about their lack of effort and if he’s receptive you will feel more comfortable initiating visits without worrying you’re imposing