It's another MIL one (sorry!)

[excluded57]

I will try and keep this brief but give the complete picture without drip feeding but just wonder AIBU to feel completely cut off and left out in this situation?

I am the MIL, my oldest son lives with his wife 30 miles away from us. They got married this year, her parents live round the corner.

They have been together about 6 years, and for the last 5 years every Christmas and New Year has been spent at their house with DIL's immediate family. They bought their house nearly 3 years ago, we were all invited there once and I have visited once on my own briefly since then.

Since the wedding 6 months ago we have seen them 3 times when they came to our house, 2 of which times were to collect their dog which we had looked after for them while they were on holiday and honeymoon.

We went to the wedding, I have 4 other boys (all still at home) and we all suited up and gave them a generous cheque which they appreciated. (I wasn't included in any of the pre wedding "stuff" but OK fair enough, that's not to be expected as a MIL and I didn't make any comment, there were 2 hen do's and I would have loved to have been asked to one but it wasn't to be and I respect that, not a word was said about that other than to my DH). I hope I get on well with my DIL, I always make an effort to be friendly and supportive and try to be the MIL I would like to have.

This Christmas however has been a bit of a revelation, I haven't seen my son or his wife at all since mid November, had a brief Facetime with him on Christmas Day and a text message New Years Eve to thank us for their presents. (Both times they had family with them, her family not any of us sadly).

I don't want to interfere, I wait to be invited, particularly as there are 6 of us if all of us are asked which is a lot to accommodate even for a short visit, but this Christmas has been a killer and I suppose it has given me a taste of how things will be in the future if they have children, I will have very little chance to bond with any GC if things stay as they are.

I get the old adage about a son is a son until he gets a wife, but I am so hurt. I did text him after he asked his brother if I was OK because I had only briefly replied to the NYE text. So I simply said I was sad we never see them, and got an essay about they have been busy and they get fed up of always coming to us (unless of course it is to drop off or collect their dog ...... yet they never ever ask us there, other than a BBQ in the summer which happened to be the day after I buried my mum so I didn't feel like going to that and explained why and thought they understood) I really don't think he gets the issue somehow, I did say to him I don't expect regular visits but the odd phone call would be appreciated. (There was a bit more I could have said, like saying we are never invited or they don't mind travelling here if there is free dog care but I didn't, I wanted to avoid an argument)

How on earth do other MILs in this situation cope?? It is heartbreaking and I am struggling to accept that this side of the family is definitely right down the pecking order ....... Words of wisdom will be hugely appreciated x

Does the OP's son and DIL hate people just turning up? That would be the only relevant factor here.

Maybe your son feels pushed out because you're always with the other sons?
Might not be the case, but seeing them without the other kids once a month or so (even just briefly popping round for a couple of hours) might help.
Maybe a phone call now, explain you're missing them both and ask when they're free over January and whether they want to go for a meal while someone babysits your younger sons.

I would do this with caution OP - only if you are actually interested in getting to know your DIL as a person, not purely because your son is a rubbish communicator.

My MIL always messages me, 17 years on and she still has very little interest in me as a person, she just knows DH won't reply and also she firmly believes that things like sorting invites, birthdays, Christmas etc are women's work (despite the fact we both work full time).

Exactly this

Exactly - says it all really. The mean old DIL stealing away her son. A tale as old as time...

This - ease up. Just go just you and be nice and happy and not accusing.

I get the feeling you feel left out and are coming across as stuffy and negative.

text: Like to come and see you Saturday if you are free could do dog walk and a coffee my treat?

My son and his soon-to-be-wife live about 30 miles from me. It's too far to traipse 'on the offchance' so I would always message and never just drop in - they both work and have busy lives. However, I usually couch 'I'd like to see you' messages in an 'I'm going to be in your area to do (something) next week and I thought it would be nice to see you while I'm over there - how about meeting in XXX for a coffee?' That means I don't have to go to their house if they are worried about needing to tidy up, either or both of them can 'be free' if they wish, but if they are too busy then they know that I wasn't going to be making a special trip just to see them, so they can turn me down without me being offended.

I don't think that would improve the relationship, which is what the op wants.

I imagine ita poor communication. Sounds like the DS cares because he noticed when your tone is off.

As pp have said, drop them a message saying can we pop round Thursday or whatever and take it from there

I don’t understand why this is a mil post?

this is about your son not your dil? He’s a capable adult if he wanted to see you he would?

Like others have said it sounds formal! I have invited my MIL over only once every year, on her birthday. But she pops by weekly and often will stay for tea when she brings my son home. We also pop to hers a few times a month. My husband doesnt organise it much but i get on very well with her so we do see each other quite a bit. We also chat a lot on Whatsapp via various mediums. I would hate my son to not contact me ATLEAST once a week when he is older. In the day of texting how hard is it to ping one off?

Could you try to arrange something with him, where you go to him and then they come to you a fortnight later and that way you would see each other twice a month, once each at each others home/hometown, go for a nice meal out or a nice Sunday dinner. It is harder with them living closer to her parents. And sometimes the boys just don't think about it. But it is only 30 miles away.

Could you suggest a monthly get together with just them and both set of parents, it doesn't have to be a fancy meal or anything, games night, bottle of wine and a take away.

I don’t think this is a “mil” issue it’s a “mother” issue. The fact you’re asking how other MILs have coped with this, implies that it’s your sons wife’s fault. But this isn’t about her, it’s about your son.

I get this must hurt. One thing I picked up on, and I may be wrong here, is that you said your son has said they are really busy and don’t always have the time to come to you. I’m not saying this is right necessarily, but perhaps he expects you to offer/suggest to visit him more. I know he could just invite you. But maybe you could suggest going round to his house, or even driving up their way and heading out for a meal, so you’re not just inviting yourself in for them to host you.

This. Don't make this about your DIL, OP.

You will have to make more effort in arranging get togethers, don't sit around waiting for invitations, if she has her family around on Xmas day you could ask for a get together on Xmas eve or boxing day, even new years day, don't waste time and ask in advance for Easter get together either at there's or yours. Make plans get involved, life is too busy and we don't make efforts and literally go with the flow...you want to see them more you will have to push yourself to make arrangements.

How old are the other kids? Surely most, if not all, are old enough to be left while you go over? 30 miles isn't far.

My mum is the same. She believes that now we have all left home, the onus is on us to contact her and arrange to visit her. Drives me insane, the passive aggressive nature of it, because she complains if she doesn't hear from us, yet won't pick up the phone herself. As a result, she has seen very little of me for years.

As others have said, you can ring them. You can arrange to visit them. You can build the relationship with your DIL. But don't put it all on her, it's not her job to maintain relationships with her husband's family. Put it on yourself and your son.

My MIL has one of those one-way phones too. And the roads are only one way - to her house, not to ours, apparently. But we’re the ones not making an effort on her mind.

Give him a call for a chat. 30 miles is no distance, meet them for a pub lunch next weekend - just you and husband, not the other 4 sons.

Make informal contact, be friendly and not intense. Normalise seeing them as and when suits - around work and life commitments - without it being a formal invitation or a need to be All Eight Of Us every time

It could just be a miscommunication thing. He might be thinking my parents can never be bothered to visit me.
My brother lives about 2h drive away and my parents don't wait to be invited, it's more like "are you around on the 10th if we come up" for example.

Why can’t you just say “hey, we’d like to come round and see you. When is a good time?”

You have to actually make the effort to keep the relationship alive.

Do you invite them for dinner or anything? Do you suggest seeing them at the weekend ever? Maybe to your son you seem uninterested and that’s why you didn’t have a bigger role in their wedding?

I knew someone would say this 🤣We’ve done exactly that for over 20 years but the message isn’t sinking in. TBF she’s quite a passive person generally and expects people to come to her rather than putting herself forward as she sees it.

I think @RhubarbCrumbs nailed it. Be more proactive phoning your son and arranging to visit him. Don’t pop in unannounced, nobody likes that. But definitely increase your input to keeping in touch. Doing so will also better your relationship with your DIL and she will get to know you more and be more likely to include you as well. She is just better at organising and invites who she loves and is close to. Your son is probably just letting things be arranged for him.

Also, there’s a difference between popping in at no/short notice and asking when would be good for a visit. My mil is a long drive away so couldn’t just pop in anyway but she never asks the latter either.

Either, make more of an effort to make arrangements to see them “we thought we’d come through over the next few weeks, when are you free?” type of thing, get in early to invite them for Christmas or Boxing Day etc. or, given the recent exchange of messages, sit down and have a good honest chat with him. My mum waits for me to organise seeing her and makes little comments about how busy we are, when there’s nothing stopping her picking up the phone and arranging to see us. It drives me mad tbh.

OP, do not make this about your DIL.
This is your son.
Hold him to account.
Unfortunately they can be lazy, selfish and make little effort.

I can see my eldest being similar but from reading MN at least I am prepared for it.

Does taking his dogs actually suit you?
If not I wouldn't be used by him for that.

My friends eldest was very similar and lived an hour away.
They barely saw him for 6 years as he was so busy with work and her family.

He got a big promotion and they bought their forever house and he expected my friend to be childcare 3 days a week when they found they were very unexpectedly having twins and she had just retired.
He really "thought she'd love it"🙄.

She hasn't entertained them at all.
She has her own life and her other children.
She is kind and friendly but has absolutely no intention of being free childcare at age 60 for a son that she has barely seen in years.

She has had a fab first year of retirement with lots of holidays with her husband and friends and is playing loads of golf.

Funnily enough her parents are very rarely visiting and he has complained the road is all one way which is hard with two babies.

My friend doesn't say a word.

From what it sounds they might feel like you don't make an effort if you are just waiting to be invited or waiting for a phone call. You sound like a lovely MIL but maybe just a bit mote effort , like I'd love to come and visit you if that's OK, when would be a good time etc and take it from there, or can I call you at the weekend to catch up. If you make some effort they might start including you again. Sounds like it was them making the effort and you just waiting to keep getting called or invited