It's another MIL one (sorry!)

[excluded57]

I will try and keep this brief but give the complete picture without drip feeding but just wonder AIBU to feel completely cut off and left out in this situation?

I am the MIL, my oldest son lives with his wife 30 miles away from us. They got married this year, her parents live round the corner.

They have been together about 6 years, and for the last 5 years every Christmas and New Year has been spent at their house with DIL's immediate family. They bought their house nearly 3 years ago, we were all invited there once and I have visited once on my own briefly since then.

Since the wedding 6 months ago we have seen them 3 times when they came to our house, 2 of which times were to collect their dog which we had looked after for them while they were on holiday and honeymoon.

We went to the wedding, I have 4 other boys (all still at home) and we all suited up and gave them a generous cheque which they appreciated. (I wasn't included in any of the pre wedding "stuff" but OK fair enough, that's not to be expected as a MIL and I didn't make any comment, there were 2 hen do's and I would have loved to have been asked to one but it wasn't to be and I respect that, not a word was said about that other than to my DH). I hope I get on well with my DIL, I always make an effort to be friendly and supportive and try to be the MIL I would like to have.

This Christmas however has been a bit of a revelation, I haven't seen my son or his wife at all since mid November, had a brief Facetime with him on Christmas Day and a text message New Years Eve to thank us for their presents. (Both times they had family with them, her family not any of us sadly).

I don't want to interfere, I wait to be invited, particularly as there are 6 of us if all of us are asked which is a lot to accommodate even for a short visit, but this Christmas has been a killer and I suppose it has given me a taste of how things will be in the future if they have children, I will have very little chance to bond with any GC if things stay as they are.

I get the old adage about a son is a son until he gets a wife, but I am so hurt. I did text him after he asked his brother if I was OK because I had only briefly replied to the NYE text. So I simply said I was sad we never see them, and got an essay about they have been busy and they get fed up of always coming to us (unless of course it is to drop off or collect their dog ...... yet they never ever ask us there, other than a BBQ in the summer which happened to be the day after I buried my mum so I didn't feel like going to that and explained why and thought they understood) I really don't think he gets the issue somehow, I did say to him I don't expect regular visits but the odd phone call would be appreciated. (There was a bit more I could have said, like saying we are never invited or they don't mind travelling here if there is free dog care but I didn't, I wanted to avoid an argument)

How on earth do other MILs in this situation cope?? It is heartbreaking and I am struggling to accept that this side of the family is definitely right down the pecking order ....... Words of wisdom will be hugely appreciated x

Start the conversation in the next few weeks about next Christmas, don't leave it to the last minute. Tell your son that you and his dad (and brothers!) want to see him over Christmas too. Is there any way you could accommodate all of DIL family for the day and they could come to you?

Yes! I created one for my MIL so she could see pictures of the kids as my ex never called her and she would feel included.

She never wrote anything on it. As I said it felt so one sided sadly.

Excellent idea. Make it a new family annual tradition

If GC appear further down the line travelling with kids over Christmas is even more of a pain, my suggestion is to make NY your family thing, lots of games, music, good food , maybe book a house away every so often ?

I once dated a bloke and he had 2 brothers and within a 30min-1hr drive and mother further out christmas was all solo, however NY period was there thing it sounded so much fun they hired a house every year in different places and just had fun together and as all your kids grow up and move on it could be a lovely tradition even if it's only every other year to get them all together?

Did you ask if they would like to come over or did you just say you were free? You seem to think these are the same thing, and they’re not.

Have you done any explicit inviting at all? Asked them to lunch/dinner? Do you message/ring them? Say you’d like to visit?

You have way too large of a family ...may be the new wife likes her own family and smaller family types

I have only one BIL ...cannot imagine 3 more of them, with their man's talk and all their man's interests and football and whatever

Not sure how old you are OP or how your health is and whether you still work FT or PT and how old your DC are. But maybe your DS sees you as too busy already and if he lives in a small house maybe the 6 of you visiting together is too much?

It’s sometimes easier for a son to largely go along with his wife's plans but he should also still want to consider his parents.

My BIL was like this with IL’s family at first and spent all the holidays with them and his birth family barely got a look in. SIL had a big sociable fun family (or that was how it seemed at first) so I think he saw them as being more fun and enjoyed spending more time with them at least that was how it started off in the beginning. Now they have all fell out with one another so things have changed.

Although we live very much closer to my parents (minutes away) than DH’s (who lived hours away) we are still in regular contact with both families. But MIL and our children have got a much closer relationship with MIL and DH’s family than my family as they have always made the effort. My parents always expected us to visit them and I always had to be the one to phone and initiate visits (because they told us they didn’t like to bother us).

My DS is still at Uni but I won’t be waiting around too long for phone calls or visits if he doesn’t phone I will be phoning him and the same with initiating visits.

You sound quite huffy. Are you like this with your married son and DIL? You mentioned that your married son asked why you'd gone quiet. Do you manipulate to try to get what you want (but obviously fail)?

Maybe DIL finds you challenging?

You are hurt by the situation, you don't want to push yourself on your son and yet when you leave an open invitation you don't get a response.

Its really understandable how putting in effort with your children to then be ignored by them is hurtful - its a one sided pulling teeth relationship, and who would want that.

You would like it to change, how do you go about that - with difficulty as your ds doesn't want to put the effort in as is clear. Many wives up and down the country will tell you they buy, wrap and sort the xmas present for the husbands family as the husband does quack shit in that way - your son is like that.

Invite your ds and dil over for a meal and a drink, cook for them host them - when was the last time you did that?

I wouldnt say that was average for less than an hours trip. They see DIL family a lot. Son has already said that they’re sick of being the one who has to go to mums. Son might appreciate that his mum is offering to make the effort instead of just demanding more effort from him.

I see my mum once a month which is enough for me, I work full time and have my own life, and it annoys me so much when she makes comments about not seeing me enough, not because I don’t want to see her more but because she never initiates visits, she could pop round or invite me over, but instead it’s my responsibility and I make as much effort as I am willing, so if she wants to see me more then I’d appreciate if she would take a bit more initiative instead of just moaning

I think that you need to be more proactive. Invite them over for a Christmas the weekend before with your side of the family .

Suggest going out for dinner near them one evening, or brunch or something.

Or Invite them to the theatre, something to spend time together

Just a thought. How much notice did you give them about boxing day as some people make plans ages in advance and others are more spur of the moment types. So maybe they had already committed to plans and were already busy and perhaps also wanted some down time hence the delay in responding to your message.

Agree with pretty much everyone else — be proactive in messaging, telephoning, asking if it would be convenient if you popped round, suggesting meeting up for a coffee or lunch at a halfway point, ask if they want to see a film, go to the theatre etc. Do a bit of pebbling — send funny pictures of videos or links to interesting articles. And build individual relationships rather than thinking of doing everything as a job-lot of six.

And do things individually with your other sons now so that you have strong relationships that remain unaffected when they too get married.

Oh the challenges of being the paternal MIL, I feel for you. Can't do right for doing wrong!
I can see why you are upset OP

This is not a “MIL”. One. The DIL is completely irrelevant here yet you seem hellbent on making this issue about her z this is about your relationship with your son and the fact that

1. you cannot seem to separate yourself and DH from your other 3 children and seem to think all 5 of you must descent en masse everywhere

2. you saw DS in mid November which is hardly a decade ago

3. you make zero proactive effort to maintain the relationship with your son

4. you don’t like his wife despite her not really having done anything to you. A fact I’m sure he’s picked up on.

That wasn't remotely huffy. You're projecting. OP has clearly taken things on board, as her previous post demonstrated.

I agree with all of this.

And what kind of son holds a BBQ the day after his grandmother's funeral/burial? Even if he wasn't close to the grandmother, he should at least be there to support his own mum in her grief.

When did you ask them? I always have major Christmas period visits tied down in October. But I’ve always been relieved that I don’t have in-laws. Those people who have to visit both sides of the family and more over a ten day period must be exhausted. They probably wanted a few quiet days to themselves.

I don’t think you’re being weird talking about “invitations” - I would never invite myself somewhere and I wouldn’t expect my Mum/MIL to invite herself to ours. In fact I’d find that rude and stressful - my in laws did it once and my husband made it clear it wasn’t to happen again.

I think it’s incredibly sad of your son that he hasn’t made more of an effort with you.

Yes. You might be right. I was ruminating on her son having to question why the OP had gone quiet on him, so I might well have projected that rumination onto the OPs abrupt exit from the thread

My apologies

You're very different to me. Once I had left home and got married, I saw my parents at least 28 times a year, every other weekend, plus Christmas Day and New Year's Day, and other times in between!!

We lived an hour away from them!

He maybe saw it differently, invite mum round, get her out the house for a bit. Take her mind of things.

My son moved out in August last year, he and his fiancé have their own place.
I don’t wait for an invite. DS and I are in touch via messenger most days and I’ll
just ask if it’s ok if I pop in at xxx time for an hour.
I wouldn’t just drop by unannounced though particularly because DIL is training to be a paramedic and works shifts.

The OP obviously didn’t do much to create an individual relationship with her son before he got married. And the way she talks about visiting with the other four sons suggests that she’s been used to thinking of them en bloc, probably as ‘the boys’.

I always think it’s a good idea to work on creating a range of one-on-one relationships within the family from as early as possible. Then you just don’t have this problem.

They are treating you like shit. I don’t blame you being fed up.