It's another MIL one (sorry!)

[excluded57]

I will try and keep this brief but give the complete picture without drip feeding but just wonder AIBU to feel completely cut off and left out in this situation?

I am the MIL, my oldest son lives with his wife 30 miles away from us. They got married this year, her parents live round the corner.

They have been together about 6 years, and for the last 5 years every Christmas and New Year has been spent at their house with DIL's immediate family. They bought their house nearly 3 years ago, we were all invited there once and I have visited once on my own briefly since then.

Since the wedding 6 months ago we have seen them 3 times when they came to our house, 2 of which times were to collect their dog which we had looked after for them while they were on holiday and honeymoon.

We went to the wedding, I have 4 other boys (all still at home) and we all suited up and gave them a generous cheque which they appreciated. (I wasn't included in any of the pre wedding "stuff" but OK fair enough, that's not to be expected as a MIL and I didn't make any comment, there were 2 hen do's and I would have loved to have been asked to one but it wasn't to be and I respect that, not a word was said about that other than to my DH). I hope I get on well with my DIL, I always make an effort to be friendly and supportive and try to be the MIL I would like to have.

This Christmas however has been a bit of a revelation, I haven't seen my son or his wife at all since mid November, had a brief Facetime with him on Christmas Day and a text message New Years Eve to thank us for their presents. (Both times they had family with them, her family not any of us sadly).

I don't want to interfere, I wait to be invited, particularly as there are 6 of us if all of us are asked which is a lot to accommodate even for a short visit, but this Christmas has been a killer and I suppose it has given me a taste of how things will be in the future if they have children, I will have very little chance to bond with any GC if things stay as they are.

I get the old adage about a son is a son until he gets a wife, but I am so hurt. I did text him after he asked his brother if I was OK because I had only briefly replied to the NYE text. So I simply said I was sad we never see them, and got an essay about they have been busy and they get fed up of always coming to us (unless of course it is to drop off or collect their dog ...... yet they never ever ask us there, other than a BBQ in the summer which happened to be the day after I buried my mum so I didn't feel like going to that and explained why and thought they understood) I really don't think he gets the issue somehow, I did say to him I don't expect regular visits but the odd phone call would be appreciated. (There was a bit more I could have said, like saying we are never invited or they don't mind travelling here if there is free dog care but I didn't, I wanted to avoid an argument)

How on earth do other MILs in this situation cope?? It is heartbreaking and I am struggling to accept that this side of the family is definitely right down the pecking order ....... Words of wisdom will be hugely appreciated x

She might be hurt, but she needs to jump outside the way she is acting, as multiple people have said, call them, don't be 6, ask them to make plans, not wait to be invited.

It's hard trying to do the right thing as a mother in law. My son has been with his partner nearly 6 years and like you I try to do the right thing and not bother them too much. I don't know if you WhatsApp much and whether you have Dil on WhatsApp and Facebook. I send my son's partner occasional messages on WhatsApp such as our dog with his birthday banner on as she likes the dog. She sent me photos of the house before they bought it and sent updates of their decorating. These are not that frequent but just keep in touch as they have moved 5 hours away nearer her parents.
I wonder if you get together for family birthdays. Before they moved so far and were 45 mins away we would always arrange and invite them to a family Sunday lunch for our birthdays. Perhaps you could do this.
I have a problem now that my son won't learn to drive so it is all on her if they come to us but they did just come for 3 nights between Christmas and New Year.

You sound lovely and I’m sorry these replies aren’t more supportive. I can completely understand why you’re upset but I think this is one for you and your son, rather than your DIL. It reminds me of my DH - I have to remind him constantly to make contact with his family whereas I will do this naturally with mine, he’s very much “out of sight out of mind” but I know his mum gets very hurt sometimes about this. I know it’s a massive generalisation but I think sometimes men are just a bit crap at communication and organisation of things so I agree being more proactive is probably the best way forward. Not trying to excuse his crapness but I think it’s probably not personal x

This is a son issue not a DIL issue. Your DIL sees her family more because they’re her family and she possibly does the arranging. We are in 2025 it’s not down to her to arrange your meetings with them, that’s for your son to do. Do you ever message your DIL direct to arrange a visit, knowing your son isn’t great at it? This is the problem I’m having with my MIL. Asides from her being unpleasant to be around, she never reaches out to me. And then sulks when I don’t visit.

30 miles takes 20 minutes - far?

Same old story. A sons a son etc. Totally my experience. Even worse when illness/ dementia kicks in to one of you and they really don’t want to help.
Dont know what the solution is. I am seriously depressed about this.

Sounds like my in laws. I want them to ask to see us and when we’re free and come to us. We only see them if we say we’re going to them. It pisses me off. Just say are you free if we pop in to you etc . I would love that. I hate that we have to make all the effort to them. They never call us or anything - they always wait for us - I now match their energy back so we don’t see them. Maybe they’re doing the same? Just message - hey can we call over as we’re in the area type thing .

I’m going to answer this from the perspective of DIL who very rarely sees her ILs however my husband and I have 3 boys so it’s something I’ve thought about a lot.

We see my parents what I consider to be a normal amount. They live 50 miles away but have a big house. We probably go to stay at theirs about 3-4 times a year for 2 nights ish each time. They come to us and stay a night occasionally but our house is smaller so it’s less often. In between I might meet my mum for lunch, shopping, a coffee and a walk half way, every month or so. They’re not near enough to pop in for a cuppa but if they’re passing or seeing my sister who lives close by, they would pop in.

These visits occur because we speak regularly on the phone, they know what’s going on in our lives, they keep in touch and show interest in our lives and we reciprocate. If we haven’t seen each other for say 6 weeks plus, one party will instigate something, if we’re busy it might just be meeting half way for a coffee.

Now, my in laws resent what they perceive to be us ‘prioritising’ my family over theirs. They make passive aggressive comments about us always seeing my parents and never seeing them. We barely spend time with them now (we did in the beginning, been married 20 years) but it’s not because we’re with my family, there’s plenty of time to have similar relationships but they are a pain in the arse.

They are not interested in what’s going on in our lives, they don’t make an effort to maintain a relationship, they want us to invite them over to stay for several days and entertain them while they make very little effort to pitch in. They don’t host us at their house and if they do, there’s nowhere nice to sleep, they don’t really make an effort, just carry on with what they’d normally be doing. The kids are walking on eggshells, you get the picture.

The reason we don’t see them much now is because I’ve stopped facilitating the relationship and so it’s petered out. Harsh as this sounds, my husband prefers the company of my parents and does little to maintain a relationship with his parents.

I would ask yourself, are you like this? Work on your relationship with your son. Ring him, text him without expectation of an invite. Don’t expect to stay there, make it easy to meet and just enjoy each others company without it being work for either party. Show an interest in what they like to do, what’s going on in their lives. Be good company and not hard work. Make an effort to spend time with them. I hate to say it but that’s probably what her parents do and that’s why they have a consistent relationship with them.
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Hi op,

hmmm…it does sound harsh. But I also think you need to ask to see your son. I do not think you should choose if it is at their home or not (who cares?) but you certainly can ask him around (and her too if she wishes).

ask once. Then leave it.

You won’t get a better answer by waiting. Or reasking. It is looking like your son is not so close to you for this time of his life and you can not force it. If you try to blame it on her such as « why is her family always around? » you will end up with nothing at all. If you try to share your feelings as a way to get a positive answer, that might too just come back as a boomerang.

Just ask him to see him and say that you would love that he comes with his wife.

Good luck op 🌺

Seems like an issue with your son. My husband is the same never thinks to invite his family to stuff, and realistically I don’t feel like it’s my responsibility to organise stuff with his family. He is an adult after all. I would talk to your son on the phone or in person not via text about how you are feeling and see if his behaviour improves. Other than that tell him that you would like to start a family tradition where you spend Boxing Day together as a family and suggest you can take turns hosting it. Ask whether he’d like to host it next year or whether he’d be happy to come to yours. Take the initiative.

@excluded57 i’m really sorry this is happening. I’d feel exactly the same as you do.

I get where you are coming from . Happy to accept generous wedding gift and free dog care. Very rude to not include you in any wedding prep or one of the hen dos. I’d send a text to son and say you feel a bit down about not seeing him over the holidays and were wondering if you could come for a visit on ——. Sounds like he is taking his own family for granted, maybe don’t be available for dog care next time!

I haven't read the full thread but as a someone with 2 brothers who never make an effort with my mum unless they're looking for something and a partner that never initiates contact with his family unless it's to ask them to babysit for them, I can honestly say that men can just be selfish when it comes to their mums.
It's like a sense of entitlement.
I know that if I didn't make an effort with family we would never see them and even though they are really nice people, sometimes it's easier not to.
I'm sorry for you because my mum gets sad over it but the killer is is that some men are lazy and don't put in the effort x

30 miles even on country roads is only is only an hour away.
Your NY resolution for 2025 is to make arrangements to meet up every month.
Start by hosting them for Sunday / Saturday lunch, then meet up for a pub lunch somewhere inbetween another time. Say next time we will save you driving we will come up to you.
Later in the year if you would like to see them over the Christmas period I would aim for either the weekend before or the one between Xmas and NY.
It doesn't really matter if doesn't happen on the dAY make your own Traditions.

Isn't this a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face? OP wants to build a relationship with them.

Let by-gones be by-gones and look at how you can see more of your son and his family in the future!

No I don’t think so. I think it might make the son realise that he just takes them
for granted for dog care but makes no effort to socialise with them .

Accommodating 6 of you is a lot for Christmas.

i don't think this is about your DIL - yes they see her family a lot but if your son wanted to spend holidays with you or see you more then he would. It's likely he's just not interested in the organisation of holidays and/or isn't bothered about coming over. I don't think this is anything against you, your DIL will just naturally radiate more towards her own mother/family (as women generally do)

I would focus on the boys you have at home for now.

They are a newly married couple and have formed their own little family together - that family may expand in time in which case they will have even less time.

I appreciate it's difficult not to feel hurt but you've successfully raised an independent man who has now flown the nest.

But happy to take the free dog care and the generous wedding gift. Pretty hard hearted to not include a mother of six boys in wedding prep and no invite to either hen.

Exacyly, You're making my point more valid, The MIL who lives 20 mins away who doesn't visit, never calls, has no interest.

Set up your own day to have a tradition - go down to theirs on new years day and take them out for lunch with your family. Do it at Easter. Do it really any time. If you wait to be asked to theirs, you will be waiting a long time. Not because they don't care but because of life. If you ask repeatedly and get push back, only THEN do you know you have a problem.

Women just seem to do most of the communicating. I don't know why.
I feel for you OP. Maybe a proper conv with your married son would help 🤷

Mostly because society doesn't raise boys to be effective emotional communicators.

Im not a MIL but a step mum, i ask if i can visit, i don't think I’d ever see anyone if i didn’t! They do the same. I will ask them over if I want to entertain them, but there’s 5 of them (one family) and my husband disabled so i find it hard to entertain. Send a text and ask if you can pop over for a quick coffee.

I've not read the whole thread, only your replies, BUT why is it always a 'DIL problem' rather than a son problem? She makes the effort to communicate with her side of the family, but clearly HE doesn't make the effort to communicate with his side of the family. Why is she expected to do it all?

30 miles only takes 20 minutes if both parties live directly on a motorway and drive at 90+mph.

It's more likely to take 50-60 minutes, with the 50 being optimistic. My daughter lives 25 miles away, with part of that journey being on the motorway. It takes me at least 45 minutes, and I've just checked Google maps and it would take 49 minutes if I set off now.