It's another MIL one (sorry!)

[excluded57]

I will try and keep this brief but give the complete picture without drip feeding but just wonder AIBU to feel completely cut off and left out in this situation?

I am the MIL, my oldest son lives with his wife 30 miles away from us. They got married this year, her parents live round the corner.

They have been together about 6 years, and for the last 5 years every Christmas and New Year has been spent at their house with DIL's immediate family. They bought their house nearly 3 years ago, we were all invited there once and I have visited once on my own briefly since then.

Since the wedding 6 months ago we have seen them 3 times when they came to our house, 2 of which times were to collect their dog which we had looked after for them while they were on holiday and honeymoon.

We went to the wedding, I have 4 other boys (all still at home) and we all suited up and gave them a generous cheque which they appreciated. (I wasn't included in any of the pre wedding "stuff" but OK fair enough, that's not to be expected as a MIL and I didn't make any comment, there were 2 hen do's and I would have loved to have been asked to one but it wasn't to be and I respect that, not a word was said about that other than to my DH). I hope I get on well with my DIL, I always make an effort to be friendly and supportive and try to be the MIL I would like to have.

This Christmas however has been a bit of a revelation, I haven't seen my son or his wife at all since mid November, had a brief Facetime with him on Christmas Day and a text message New Years Eve to thank us for their presents. (Both times they had family with them, her family not any of us sadly).

I don't want to interfere, I wait to be invited, particularly as there are 6 of us if all of us are asked which is a lot to accommodate even for a short visit, but this Christmas has been a killer and I suppose it has given me a taste of how things will be in the future if they have children, I will have very little chance to bond with any GC if things stay as they are.

I get the old adage about a son is a son until he gets a wife, but I am so hurt. I did text him after he asked his brother if I was OK because I had only briefly replied to the NYE text. So I simply said I was sad we never see them, and got an essay about they have been busy and they get fed up of always coming to us (unless of course it is to drop off or collect their dog ...... yet they never ever ask us there, other than a BBQ in the summer which happened to be the day after I buried my mum so I didn't feel like going to that and explained why and thought they understood) I really don't think he gets the issue somehow, I did say to him I don't expect regular visits but the odd phone call would be appreciated. (There was a bit more I could have said, like saying we are never invited or they don't mind travelling here if there is free dog care but I didn't, I wanted to avoid an argument)

How on earth do other MILs in this situation cope?? It is heartbreaking and I am struggling to accept that this side of the family is definitely right down the pecking order ....... Words of wisdom will be hugely appreciated x

I think the issue is with your son?
My brother is exactly the same as this. He would never think to invite my mum and dad over. They instigate all meet ups, usually a meal out somewhere half way. SIL doesn’t arrange anything either, my mum doesn’t expect her to, she has her own family to organise things with.
My DH isn’t quite as bad but that’s to do with some prompting from me if I think ahead that we’ve not seen his parents for a while. His parents do message and say things like ‘we’re free this weekend if you can meet up at any point’ etc and we usually always say yes unless we’re aware or literally haven’t got any free time which is rare. DH has actually got a bit better since we’ve had children and is aware he needs to facilitate a relationship with his parents and our child.

Good advice.

OP, I’m another one puzzled by the comment about dressing up for their wedding - surely that’s the norm, not a special effort.

But there are 5 adults who regularly rock up on Christmas Day etc in the form of parents, and sister and boyfriend on my DIL's side ????????

I think you are expecting to have DIL incorporated into your family of 7 in the way your DS has been incorporated into her family? Or maybe even just half and half time-splitting (which would also be a stretch, as it doesn’t leave time for them to not be in their own home)?

The reason this isn’t happening is because your son isn’t making it happen. My DH would be extremely sad not to see his parents and siblings over Xmas, as would I re my family. So we split our time and do both. If DH wasn’t bothered, it would be all my family or my family and just us.

It’s sweet you don’t want to be pushy, but maybe you need to at least have a conversation. With your DS, that is. Unless you know for sure that your DIL is absolutely forbidding him from seeing you, the problem is your son. Not her.

I wouldn't just turn up as they may be out the house or busy. I would just call/text your son and ask when is a good time to come over for a couple of hours and see him and his family as you miss them. I wouldnt wait for formal invite or anything.

No I am not dramatic I don't think, messaging to ask if they would like to come over after Christmas when they have spent Christmas Day and Boxing Day with one side of their family but not the other is quite reasonable. Their phones are glued to them so normally a message gets a very quick response, being ignored was hurtful

Adopt the ‘let them’ approach. This is what they want - they are telling you this by their actions.
If you can, scale back you emotional investment in this issue. Be pleasant and invite them now and then with no expectations. You can’t make people want you when they don’t.

Anyway, I will leave it now thank you. Lots to think about as always and I will be more proactive in future

You need to be more assertive and stop waiting to be invited. Just tell your son you'd like to pop round and when is a good time for them?

Men can also be a bit thick OP and need it spelling out for them. Don't assume your son knows the slightest of how you're feeling. Talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling in plain English and why. Suggest what you could both do to improve the relationship.

They have seen them 3 times in 6 months. I would say that is average. I really think the explanations need to stop and accept the situation for what it is. I would despair if this much angst landed on my shoulders. They are newly married, if this keeps up they are likely to throw the toys out completely and the op will be worse off.

OP, it’s possible that your DIL thinks that if she invites you for Christmas, she’ll have to have all six of you to sleep over, so I can quite understand why an invitation isn’t forthcoming. Young people these days are busy - I saw my own DS and DIL and their children four times last year, because when they’re at work there isn’t time, and when they’re not they want to be on holiday with their DC - and I can understand that. They see my DIL’s mother more often because she lives nearer and she’s also on her own. It’s difficult. I’d try inviting your DS and DIL to yours and see what happens - but if your DIL comes from a family where Christmas is a big thing, she’ll won’t want to come away for Christmas because she will want it to be as it always has been. I think it’s a bit mean not to see you at all between Christmas and New Year, so this year, ask early when they would like to come to yours over Christmas - respect it if they turn down Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but say something like, if you’re at the in-laws for Christmas, how about seeing us on Dec 28th, or whenever you think it will suit them. Be proactive!

My husband is like this. He thinks his Mum asks too many questions so he doesn’t initiate contact. When my daughter was young I sorted out all contact, now I am too busy and it’s left to him so it’s minimal.
My Mum invites us to stuff and initiates plans, his does not. We see my family more.

Did you invite him for Christmas or ask what the plans are. Could you propose meeting half way?

My ex (sadly now no longer with us) MIL was always sad we didn't go and visit her, yet she never asked us!

I invited myself many times but that is hard to keep doing. I longed for her to ask us to stay or to suggest holidays or get togethers. She preferred to complain to her e daughter about how she never saw us instead.

So I left it and she didn't see us for months. If you want to see them, I suggest you get organising as it's exhausting doing all the leg work.

MIL was 3 1/2 hours away, my family are 20 minutes away.

Ops post did not come across as you interpreted it.
She sounds hurt, not queenlike at all

If they are 30 miles away I’m guessing it’s about 45 minutes or so? I’d get into the habit of texting to say you’re going to the supermarket, can you come for a cuppa on the way, or on the way back from B&Q or things like that, small everyday things. Don’t go with all the kids, that’s too overwhelming if she probably feels like she doesn’t know you too well. Quick cuppa, share a cake and leave them with the rest of it, then go on with your day. Lots of those types of visits is much better than a ‘day to their house’ and the formality of that. Just ask to drop in.

Perfect response. If I feel I'm missing my son,Dil & my Grandchildren I call them & say when are you free for a visit or when would you like to meet up. Having said that we've always felt they are very fair in respect of DIL parents as it's more or less 50/50. Sadly it's not always the case for everyone.

You sound lovely OP. Your sons in-laws sound quite controlling if they insist on having every Christmas & boxing day with them so it might not be all to do with your son & Dil. I wouldn't give up on them. I'm sure they really appreciate you caring for their dog too. ☺️

And to add, I loved my MIL, we were so similar, she just didn't seem interested in me and I couldn't keep plugging the gap for her son whilst also trying to win her affection. It's exhausting.

I am sure she was interested in me, she just never instigated coming to see us and would moan to my sister in law about how much we saw my family. It gets old fast.

I haven't read the thread yet-but I'm assuming it's all the OP's fault? Has anyone said that 30 miles is "too far" to expect them to travel? 🤣

Your married son is obviously a typical "man who defers to wife".....so you need to cosy up to DIL.....your son is a waste of space in these situations

WhatsApp her and say you're in the area (just you, not the whole family) and could you come over for a cup of tea and a chat

Do this regularly

Is DIL quite house proud and are you more 'mud and dust' ?

What areas do you and DIL gel?

Invite DIL out for lunch once a month. Make it a regular girls lunch date

Hi OP,

I can see why it's hurtful. My SIL's family is big and fun and once my older brother married in he just seemed to disappear from our side. Our family, already small with divorce, got smaller and smaller. Christmas Day often felt a bit sad and empty.

Now I have my own family (not big) I always try to have things organised or invite people over. I hated that feeling of being cast aside.

I remember one year they were coming to our DM's for Christmas Eve, we had the place done up, lovely food in and presents ready for exchange. It was going to be the family celebration. At some point in the evening DB answered my text checking arrival time and said they had decided to stay in, they were in the in-laws and too lazy to get off the couch.

DM just got all hard in the face when I read out the message and said that's fine don't make a fuss. I remember feeling annoyed with her. Why didn't she point out to him that he was being unfair?

I think you should say to DS and DIL that you'd like to plan visits and can you get some dates in the calendar.

I'm a DIL and I have 2 kids under 2. Even before my DC was born we split our Xmas day equally. Morning brunch at mils and Xmas dinner at my parents. Now we do Xmas day and one and sleepover at the others Xmas day and spent boxing day with the other. Tbh this isn't fair and you sound like a nice MIL. My mil is completely overbearing and things my children belong to her yet I STILL make the effort cos she loves her son and grandchildren and deserves to see em. Unless you've been a totally horrid person to your DIL she's being unfair.

I get that you feel that the DIL's rels get all the attention. It's very hard. But you have to push past that.
You do have a point, but Don't let that dictate your future relationship with them. Don't blame DIL or DS... its just the way it worked out.
You think that twice the visits were about the dog. They think, they visited you. You Were you a bit huffy.
Your DS has noticed a bit of a huff enough to ask one of his brothers. He probably doesn't know how to deal with that. Perhaps he's thinking you are easily offended and is now a bit wary.

If you want to change the pattern, you have to put ALL of this aside, and give it a second chance, and a third to break the pattern. Put all thoughts of how you see previous behaviour to one side for now. No one wants to spend an afternoon dealing with recriminations and people who are easily offended by everything you say.

I don't think they intended to hurt you. They've just got married with a very busy run up. They have seen you three times in six months, that's not too bad actually. the other inlaws live very nearby.

Plan some nice convenient stuff to meet up with them. Eg. Book a nice meal out near them and bring all the brothers and invite them. Is there something all the brothers like to do - to spend time together... let them see that you can be as easy company as the in laws. You are only a half hour drive. A great film and a pizza together? A country walk with all the dogs. Don't make it a marathon. Two-three hours is enough to start. Let them see how easy and relaxing it is to spend time with you. The brothers will make a difference too.

If you make several genuine attempts (and I mean really show that there's no huff and all you want to do is see them) and nothing changes then that's the time to have a word. But try breaking the pattern before you do that.

It isn't the OPs fault but because her married son seems pretty hopeless, the OP needs to be strategic and proactive

Why don’t you offer them a pre Christmas get together at your house.

Could you make an excuse to be in their area. Something like a garden centre, event or venue you fancied going to, then ask if you could pop in while you are there, or them come with you there?

Then you could ask something like 'Hi Dan, Dad and I are going to Poshbury Car Rally/Fancy Nurseries a week on Sunday, would you and Rachel like to come with us? Otherwise we'll drop in for a cuppa on the way back'.

Then gauge the response, and try to arrange something to suit you all.