DP only wants to eat luxury food but doesn’t bring a luxury wage?

[Stargreystar]

I earn well, 6 figures and my DP is a tradie earning circa 30k a year.

He seems to think just because I earn well he should only eat luxury food from m&s. We are not married yet but he discussed getting a ‘pre-op‘ which I can only assume means a prenup. However he has no assets or money so it’s merely to give him what I’ve earned.

Hang on a minute...

He lives rent free, doesn't even pay for his own dinner, is incapable of communicating and is dismissive of you as well?

Come on, OP. You need to stand up! You don't become a six-figure woman without some gumption. Pick yourself up off the damn floor and put the loser out.

If you allow him to become a stay at home dad I guarantee you will still be doing ALL childcare, ALL lifestyle funding, ALL cleaning and ALL mental load while he sits around playing xbox/playstation or at the pub with mates.

Ditch him now and find someone on your wavelength. Know your worth.

If he cleans, and wants to SAH, I mean it's not what I would choose for a life but you can. You do need to want to fund the whole thing though.

And I don't think you do.

How has he got no money if he's earning 30k and not paying for anything? He either has his wages/savings, or he doesn't? Doesn't ring true really OP. He's either splashing his own cash too or squirreling it away... So which is it?

Is there any way to work past contempt?

Cocklodger issues aside there’s no real viable future with a man who shuts you down every time you raise any kind of issue with him. Using the silent treatment like this is emotionally abusive. You do know that don’t you?

What’s he going to be like when you have serious or complex issues to resolve if he shuts you down during basic discussion?
In what world could this man be a good father let alone a good husband?

Please consider seeking therapy and explore why you are tolerating this. This is all very strange - you seem extremely passive and are ignoring the obvious which is that he is clearly using you. How low is your self esteem that you are ok with this?

Shared values about money are important in a relationship. It doesn’t really matter if you earn the same amount or not. You are a person who prefers to save money and watch the food budget. He is a person who values labor shortcuts, even if it means less savings. These are diametrically opposed. You will fight about this your entire life if you don’t either get on the same page now or end the relationship ship.

It’s about 2.4k take home so not that much when you take out his debts, credit card, car insurance etc.

So you pay the mortgage and bills, he spends your money happily and then wants to be a SAD. Sounds like he has got it made.

Out of interest who does the chores and house work?

You have a status quo set now it will be big on impossible yo change it.

Get you Apple Pay off his device. Have one joint account for food and his food comes out of that or his own spends if you decide you want to keep the Cocklodger.

Disagree. That's fucking loads to most people.

Stealth boast post

I’ve purposely left my own earnings out of it as not to stealth boast but ok?

Silent treatment is a massive red flag as are debts.

I support teen DD and myself on less than £2.4k a month, and (shock horror) often get nice foot from M&S.

Why would you want to work passed his contempt? He doesn't respect you it's time to move on before you get more tied together.

Agree, that's slightly above my take home pay and as a single person I cover;
Rent
Pet care
Council Tax
DDs
Food
Utilities
Travel

And I still have funds left over for going out. I also sometimes shop in M&S 😉

@Stargreystar Him using your Applepay to buy his lunch is not right. That’s also entirely different to you doing a nice shop and getting some M&S meals
in the shopping. He’s effectively helping himself to your money.

Seriously, he is not the man for you.

ha ha ha ha he wants to be a stay at home dad - yes of course he does !!!

Exactly. This isn’t making sense at all OP. How long has he been living rent free? Why does he even have debts considering he lives rent and bill free? They must be pretty huge to suck up so much of his salary.

Also as an FYI 30K per year is about 2K take home. But even then he must have huge debts and extremely high car insurance if he can’t manage on 2K considering he pays no rent.

None of this is adding up.

So you're also facilitating him clearing his debts while funding fine dining.

As women, we have to do better in 2025 because this is beyond stupid and irresponsible. You need to catch a firm grip of yourself.

Did you forget you wrote this? 😳

We are not married yet but he discussed getting a ‘pre-op‘ which I can only assume means a prenup.

Debts are pre moving in together, he was renting alone and ran up debts with the utilities. I’ve not ever said the whole wage goes on repayments, but he does need money for his hobbies and for leisure.

he has debts ?!!!

are you really really really going to marry him ?

he is going to take you for every penny he can when you get divorced, he is already showing you who he is !

you're paying the bills. put your foot down. tell him, as practice to be a stay at home dad, he has to buy the food from his own money. if he wants to spend ALL of it on fancy food (for everyone, not just him) fair enough. but if he wants food, and other luxuries, he has to learn to budget.
work out what losing his income would mean in terms of household budgets, and tell him to practice getting into that budget.
if he wants to be the housespouse, he needs to learn to manage those costs beyond the main bills, the housework, etc.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Maybe hold off on getting married for now

Don’t be silly OP. Get rid of him. More red flags than Red Square on May Day.