DP only wants to eat luxury food but doesn’t bring a luxury wage?

[Stargreystar]

I earn well, 6 figures and my DP is a tradie earning circa 30k a year.

He seems to think just because I earn well he should only eat luxury food from m&s. We are not married yet but he discussed getting a ‘pre-op‘ which I can only assume means a prenup. However he has no assets or money so it’s merely to give him what I’ve earned.

I was always advised to keep all bills in my name to stop anyone being able to make a claim on the years of hard work I’ve put in.

I do not care that there is a significant wage gap, just that he uses my card to pay for his more expensive tastes but when he uses his card he’ll go to cheaper shops.

Oh babe please wake up. This is a nightmare. You are not going to be happy with this. This guy is a grub.

Cocklodger is simply the male version of Golddigger, a term usually aimed at women.

They seek out rich or high earning women and manipulate the situation to the point where they either dont work at all or if they do work, they keep all their money to themselves and live off their female partners money. All they offer is the use of their cock, and sometimes not even then.

So its pretty apt and no more offensive than gold digger.

The relationship you describe of pooled resources is a world away from the OP's where she pays for literally everything and he pays nothing despite them both working and having no kids.

I used to live with a man who earned less than me. We shared our household money too.

He would only buy expensive ingredients and fancy bottles of wine and eventually I realised most of my take home was going on alcohol I didn't even drink as a teetotaller.

The resentment was huge.

It was the start of the end... It's just very unattractive having champagne tastes on someone else's budget.

His salary is 30k and he manages to take home 2.4k?

Does he not pay tax?

I hope not but it’s possible!

Most of us are saying the same thing but Op is not properly engaging with the fact that she is clearly being used and disrespected.
And not just financially but with his emotional abuse (silent treatment) and using her history of trauma/poor mental ill-health against her in arguments - but perhaps she doesn’t mind all
that because apparently he’s good in the bedroom 🤦🏽‍♀️I’ll leave her to it.

Setting aside the significant pay disparity for the moment, this relationship may struggle in future as you have vastly different views on money.

Coming back to the pay disparity, and given you want DC in future, his behaviour will be even worse being a house husband and you will resent the fact that he gets to stay home with baby and spend your money in ways that you wouldn't.

Sorry OP, but I can't see this man being a good long-term prospect.

P.S. Interested in what kind of tradie he is, most I hear of (electricians/plumbers/carpenters) are earning in excess of £80k as their services are so in demand.

If you read the full comments, I said in my opening post circa 30k - I don’t know the exact amount, just that it’s within the 30k bracket.

Regardless of his bills he should be contributing to the home even £100 pm, he shouldn’t be getting Into the rhythm that he doesn’t need to contribute it’s not okay.

and frankly it sounds like cannot afford his outgoings and needs to cut back on hobbies until he clears his debts. He too used to living above his means.

I guess he would be if he was self employed but he’s a staff member for his uncle and therefore doesn’t get the hourly charge out rate, just what he’s paid.

he uses my card to pay for his more expensive tastes but when he uses his card he’ll go to cheaper shops

He's taking the piss out of you @Stargreystar. Get shot of him.

Do you mean that only people that earn below a certain threshold (please could you confirm the amount) are permitted to ask financial relationship related questions? Also, is it boasting when it’s anonymous? Would be great if you could confirm the rules for all of us please, thanks!

And you are planning to have children with this man. You know he’s not the one, don’t you?

If you have children with him & you split up, as stay at home dad/primary caregiver he will be likely to get custody.

All his chat about a pre-op, and feeling your money is his to freely spend etc it sounds like he knows this.

Do you really know & trust him?

I’m realizing… not that I want to start again. But better than to do it all with the wrong one.

Cheaper too....... cos you know that, after kids, this one wont go easily or cheaply. Right now you can get rid of him for nothing.

Please make 2025 the year you get free of him. Money aside, he isn't treating you well at all.

While horny handed sons of toil may have their uses, providing money is not one of them.

IMO men who don't have good relationship conflict resolution skills, treat their children exactly the same way they treat their spouse, they belittle, and they minimise their behaviour, he will eye roll and make fun of them and will never accept when he is wrong, is that what you want for a father to your children?

You'd be a bloody fool to marry him or have children.

stop giving him access to your money and you will have magically solved your problem, while he is earning he has got enough money of his own, so if he doesn't like that then tough shit.

FFS, @Stargreystar wake up! You've said yourself that all this guy brings to the relationship is good sex. So he's basically a prostitute? Likely a good-looking one as well seeing as you're not listening to the LTB chorus on here.

Don't you believe you deserve better?

I’m going to get a new card and then hopefully my Apple Pay on his phone will disconnect and then I’ll say no need to have it as we both have our own money.

He only had it to begin with as my phone was playing up whilst we were away and it was set up to make sure I’d be covered if my phone did break.

Having your Apple Pay on his phone, your different approaches to money and the way he uses traumatic experiences against you in arguments are red flags.

You're actually in a good position right now, because:

1. You aren't married so can walk away with no financial obligations/issues
2. You don't have kids, thus he can't use them to manipulate you for money.
3. You're just beginning to see what he's like.

You can get out of this now OP.

Do you need practical help and advice on how to do this?

I'd get everything in place before telling him.

Because the minute you switch off that Apple Pay he's going to use every trick in the book to get you to stay. Be prepared for everything from lovebombing to nobody will want you but me to threatening suicide...

You can get out now or be one of those poor women on here fighting for her kids in a few years time because he'd rather play the SAHD than pay maintenance to you.

Why do you give him access to your bank card?

Pick yourself up woman! You deserve better than this. The stonewalling & sulking is abusive behaviour btw & will only get worse

So we have a bloke with debts who has feck all left after paying said debts and other costs monthly who's found himself a nice naive woman who earns far more than him and already owns a house and has managed to move himself into said house,popped a ring on the woman's finger and gained access to her finances.

Now he plans to set himself up very nicely by marrying the foolish woman and wants a child purely so he can hang up his work boots permanently whilst he pretends to be a SAHD who most likely won't even do the bare minimum and will try to leave as many parenting and household responsibilities to his wife as well as having her pay for everything.