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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP only wants to eat luxury food but doesn’t bring a luxury wage?

326 replies

Stargreystar · 02/01/2025 00:20

I earn well, 6 figures and my DP is a tradie earning circa 30k a year.

He seems to think just because I earn well he should only eat luxury food from m&s. We are not married yet but he discussed getting a ‘pre-op‘ which I can only assume means a prenup. However he has no assets or money so it’s merely to give him what I’ve earned.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 02/01/2025 00:35

Sounds like you have little respect for him, and that's fine as he hardly sounds likeable.
Ultimately you have different values, different financial capacity and the whole thing sounds doomed.

Lavenderandbrown · 02/01/2025 00:35

A sahm dad is his dream and he’s using your apple pay while living rent and utility free? COME ON OP wise up! Can’t you feel yourself sinking to the very bottom of the sea with this anchor around your neck?

Achocolateroux · 02/01/2025 00:35

So what expenses does he have? I can’t imagine he’ll have much to spend his money on except maybe car/ mobile phone bills?

Surely if he’s on a lower wage he can pay for his own M&S food since you take care of the other bills ?

The set up is fine, it’s just I feel a bit used when I try to save a lot for future children and he’s quite happy to splash the cash as long as it’s not on his card.
He wants children, and wants to be a stay at home dad as that’s his dream and will save on childcare.

Come on now, Op- I think you need to wise up. You’re being taken for a mug here and he is quite possibly with you for the wrong reasons.

How is he with household duties now? Because unfortunately I’ve seen a lot of men who want to be SAHP but don’t actually want to the majority of the cleaning and cooking and organising week day play dates etc.

BestestBrownies · 02/01/2025 00:35

Come on OP. Open your eyes. This fucking chancer saw you coming.

Kick him to the kerb. Spend the money he's splashing at M&S on therapy for yourself

Original poster
Stargreystar · 02/01/2025 00:36

Dweetfidilove · 02/01/2025 00:35

Sounds like you have little respect for him, and that's fine as he hardly sounds likeable.
Ultimately you have different values, different financial capacity and the whole thing sounds doomed.

I’ve lost respect for him over time. He can’t communicate, a simple discussion turns into ‘if you want to debate get with a lawyer’ or the silent treatment.

OP posts:
Gggglinda · 02/01/2025 00:36

So he has 0 bills to pay and has your card to buy his M&S dinners and lunches on too? Wow he's taking you for an absolute ride, the freeloader.

HelenTudorFisk · 02/01/2025 00:36

This is a joke, right?
I mean no one is this blind. Straight up - using your money, living rent free, and then will be a stay at home dad so he can make a giant claim if you ever try to leave him?

ASDnocareer · 02/01/2025 00:36

You may earn well but you aren:'t bright enough to spot a grade A cocklodger with his feet under your table?

^ hahah, this

Snorlaxo · 02/01/2025 00:36

Sounds like you both need to sit down and discuss financial goals. For example you might see buying a house more important that fancy holidays and he might see fancy food more important than investing in a pension. Financial compatibility is important - especially if you might want kids and to take off a year for maternity leave or if you became too ill to work overnight. I’m not saying that one of you is right but you are going to end up resenting each other if there’s no compromise or plan. I think that you both need to listen to each other and work out if you see the future similarly or whether you’re going to end up arguing for the rest of the marriage about the other being tight/a spendthrift. Maybe you both like that the other is the opposite and more sensible/live in the moment ? That’s romantic and fine while dating but marrIage is a life long commitment and you need to work out if that’s something you are ok arguing about forever.

You should discuss things with a lawyer too. What’s the likely financial outcome if you divorced with or without kids ?

Franjipanl8r · 02/01/2025 00:37

It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible.

HelenTudorFisk · 02/01/2025 00:38

Stargreystar · 02/01/2025 00:36

I’ve lost respect for him over time. He can’t communicate, a simple discussion turns into ‘if you want to debate get with a lawyer’ or the silent treatment.

Show quote history

That’s probably the best contribution he’s made to the relationship.
Get with a lawyer. Or literally anyone that isn’t him, frankly.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 02/01/2025 00:38

Stargreystar · 02/01/2025 00:32

The set up is fine, it’s just I feel a bit used when I try to save a lot for future children and he’s quite happy to splash the cash as long as it’s not on his card.

He wants children, and wants to be a stay at home dad as that’s his dream and will save on childcare.

Does he currently do half the housework?

TwattyMcFuckFace · 02/01/2025 00:39

If this is true (and I sincerely hope it isn't, especially after you making fun of him), what are you actually asking that doesn't already have a blindingly obvious answer?

Snorlaxo · 02/01/2025 00:39

Take control and delete your Apple Pay from his phone so he can’t waste your money.

Mrsbloggz · 02/01/2025 00:40

You're his sugar mommy, he should be obeying you, not trying to exploit you further.
You've got all the power but you are passively letting him control you!?

Original poster
Stargreystar · 02/01/2025 00:40

TwattyMcFuckFace · 02/01/2025 00:39

If this is true (and I sincerely hope it isn't, especially after you making fun of him), what are you actually asking that doesn't already have a blindingly obvious answer?

Making fun how?

OP posts:
XiCi · 02/01/2025 00:41

Yeah OK 🤣 👍

Wibblywobblybobbly · 02/01/2025 00:41

Would he be a good stay at home dad? Or does he want to do it because he thinks it is easier than working, and that then he'd be able to divorce.you and go after your house and go for maintenance because he's the one that gave up his job?

Dollychopsporkchops · 02/01/2025 00:41

@Stargreystar there is NO way this is real? Ai? How are you on 6 figures but so dense..sorry

he’s obviously using you and you’re going along with it nodding and smiling? He’s using your Apple Pay for posh meals and he wants to be a stay at home dad? And you’re paying all bills and mortgage. If this is real (hope not) dump him. Goodness singleness has to be better than being used surely?

This cannot be real surely…

Original poster
Stargreystar · 02/01/2025 00:41

Wibblywobblybobbly · 02/01/2025 00:41

Would he be a good stay at home dad? Or does he want to do it because he thinks it is easier than working, and that then he'd be able to divorce.you and go after your house and go for maintenance because he's the one that gave up his job?

He is good with little ones and he’s good at tidying/cleaning without needing prompting. That is the one thing I do know is I would always come home to a clean house.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2025 00:42

Stargreystar · 02/01/2025 00:32

The set up is fine, it’s just I feel a bit used when I try to save a lot for future children and he’s quite happy to splash the cash as long as it’s not on his card.

He wants children, and wants to be a stay at home dad as that’s his dream and will save on childcare.

Sounds great. But he doesn't cook. Does he clean? Because IME some men think being a SAHP means chilling, barely parenting, and doing no housework.

Dotto · 02/01/2025 00:42

O ho. He's after trapping you with a baby and thinks he'll get your house off you as a sahp. Kick him out now.

beencaughttrollin · 02/01/2025 00:43

I’ve lost respect for him over time. He can’t communicate, a simple discussion turns into ‘if you want to debate get with a lawyer’ or the silent treatment.

So, not a relationship. I'm not sure what the intended YABU/YANBU was, but YABU to think this person is or will become a partner.

BestestBrownies · 02/01/2025 00:43

He openly displays contempt for you already.

But go ahead and marry the lazy bastard and let him become a SAHD.

Just don't be surprised when you find him fucking the nanny.

Tahlbias · 02/01/2025 00:43

He's using you for your money 💰 he's wants to "be a sahd, that's his dream" he is a cocklodger

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