DP only wants to eat luxury food but doesn’t bring a luxury wage?

[Stargreystar]

I earn well, 6 figures and my DP is a tradie earning circa 30k a year.

He seems to think just because I earn well he should only eat luxury food from m&s. We are not married yet but he discussed getting a ‘pre-op‘ which I can only assume means a prenup. However he has no assets or money so it’s merely to give him what I’ve earned.

Was following this in the small hours when I couldn't sleep.

Thanks for the update OP and good luck ending the unhealthy relationship. Lots of support and great links and help here (I do love Mumsnet sometimes).

Good you’ve recognised this now. Definitely a CF. Got it all planned hey!!!!

You do realise that if he is a SAHD and provides most o the childcare he will have a good case for primary residence of any children you may have? Then you could find yourself paying him spousal maintenance, seeing your kids EOW whist he lives off you for ever ...

Just walk now.

OP, thank god you are seeing the light.
The fact that he used your trauma against you to belittle you is the real him.

He is a nasty user.
So many threads on here with women who bitterly regret having children with lazy losers who are SAHD's.

The women are work horses.
Delivering a baby.
Working to pay for it all.
Doing it all at home.
Doing the whole mental load.
Ground down by carrying it all.
Bitterly regretting their choices.

No baby is worth it.
Raising children is hard when you work full-time.
Doing it with a lazy selfish loser makes it unbearable.

Excellent post below.
You could end up being controlled by him as primary parent, sharing your pension, paying him off to get rid of him.
Don't risk your finances on this waster.

Suggest you need space and ask him to go to his mothers for a few days.
Ask for the key.

Pack up his shit and tell him to collect it after the weekend.

Get the lock changed if he refuses.

Since when has M&S been "luxury" food?

I hope you will follow through and end things with him. You’ll shortly have his reaction to removing him from your account I imagine

I think this thread has highlighted to you that the spending was actually a small part of a bigger picture but was a trigger of annoyance that you could hang on to allow yourself to look at that bigger picture.

i hope that the thread has helped you see that this isn’t working for you as a relationship and now you know that you can take steps to remove yourself from it.

🤣

Is your idea of luxury food is chateau and bearnaise cooked by your personal chef?

Dismissiveness and contempt are part of Gottmans prediction of marriage collapse....

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

He runs off to mummy to punish you if you say something he doesn't like?
Excellent 😈
What you need to do is engineer a disagreement that upsets him so much that he takes all his stuff and goes off to his mums in a huff for a long time.
Change the locks and dump all the rest of his stuff on his mum's front lawn.
And wash your hands of this leech.

You already you sound rather jaded and cynical. Imagine how resentful you are going to feel after being married to him for a couple of years. Save the pre-op for when you have to have your card surgically removed from his eager little mitt.

The link to M&S comes in through the perception of ‘luxury’ from someone who has no clue. Like you, and OP, our household is very high earning (partner-led as I’m a lowly Civil Servant!) and we shop in all manner of places from Lidl to Natoora. I discriminate based on quality, not the perceived luxury of a place due to marketing.

This really would take the biscuit if this were happening to me. I’d have given the bugger the boot long ago. It’s fine to share finances, support one another etc. but it isn’t fine to spend someone else’s money on things to save yourself money and then not contribute. It’s absolutely disgusting what he’s doing - and not understanding what is luxury and what isn’t is the icing on the cake. He’s a clueless hack and I hope OP succeeds in dumping him to find someone worthy of her love and support.

Oh OP I am so so happy to read this. I've just RTFT.

please run for the hills. The silent treatment alone is a form of abuse! He will absolutely not do a damn thing when being a stay at home dad, he just wants to not work. He's got no bloody idea what the hell it's like. He's probably a bloke who thinks it's a piece of piss!

Please find a nice man with similar values and who can cope on his own. In this like we need men we feel will step up to the plan and looks after us, house, kids and home if we're ever in a position where we can't. If you (god forbid) we're suddenly made redundant or in hospital or became severely depressed, I highly doubt this bloke would step up and handle everything. Sounds like he'd probably just keep moaning about it rather than taking action to care for you: let alone with bloody kids!

OP you are worth so much more- get rid!!

The relationship is done, on that basis. He’s showing you what he’s like if he doesn’t get his way - a sulker. Him earning less isn’t the issue - you’ve made it clear you aren’t tight - it’s him getting free housing, no bills, fancy food and dreaming of giving up work to be a stay at home dad while you work to pay for it all. No ambition from him at all, just reliance on you. Cock lodgering.

We have a household income of well into 6 figures and I think it’s expensive. But then I had free school meals as a kid and I’m appreciative of the cost of things.

You can do better than this. seriously.

He asked for a pre-op😂😂😂

Im sure this has already been said but he doesn’t sound like the sharpest tool in the box and he’s already trying to ringfence your money in case of divorce before you’ve even married!

This has to be a windup.

Omg do not do this!!!!!
disaster written all over it. If he’s primary carer when you spilt because you’ve had enough of his piss taking …. You will be moving out and paying him maintenance. You are his meal ticket and free sex machine. Run don’t walk. .

What on earth does that have to do with my post?

I did think that

M&S and John Lewis are luxury to me. But I'm not your typical MNetter as grew up in a council house in poverty, not a mansion and dining on food from Fortnum & Mason...

Waitrose is nicer as it does a wide range of good quality basic ingredients with which to make a good meal. M&S just seems to be awash with UPF-heavy ready meals. Grim. Which along with the other evidence leads me to think that this guy has no class whatsoever. Run for the hills op.

Lidl budget?

Did you miss the part where he earns £30k and she earns over £100k?

You're saying that use of "cocklodger" isn't an issue, but you also concede it's equivalent to using the term "gold digger," so I'm not really sure what point you are trying to make. I suspect you don't know either.