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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP only wants to eat luxury food but doesn’t bring a luxury wage?

326 replies

Stargreystar · 02/01/2025 00:20

I earn well, 6 figures and my DP is a tradie earning circa 30k a year.

He seems to think just because I earn well he should only eat luxury food from m&s. We are not married yet but he discussed getting a ‘pre-op‘ which I can only assume means a prenup. However he has no assets or money so it’s merely to give him what I’ve earned.

OP posts:
IridiumSky · 02/01/2025 02:37

Stargreystar · 02/01/2025 02:26

You’re right and this conversation reminded me of a time he said ‘behind every successful man is a woman, where the F is my success’ 😂😂😂

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I like people and tend to get on with most, but I already don’t like this chap. He’s horrible. Is he intellectually challenged?

And I’m not disliking him simply because he must have a dick the size of the Falkland Islands. 😂

lolit · 02/01/2025 02:42

At first I thought this was the type of thread that would get completely opposite responses if the genders were reversed, but when op said he doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills... Yeah, he's taking the absolute piss. He has plenty of money to afford expensive food considering he is living rent free.

Ohisthismynewname · 02/01/2025 02:45

pollyglot · 02/01/2025 02:04

OP, I beg, beg you NOT to marry this loser. You could be the me of 50 years ago. From the info you have given us, such a partnership just doesn't work. I wasted 25 years of my life because I was a damaged child whose weaknesses he exploited. I ended up carrying an entire family, working a 60-hour week while he sat on his arse. You have so much going for you - don't allow a succubus to steal your energy and intelligence and most of all, your youth. Please, just free yourself...you'll find love - and possibly even better sex - again. I did - at the age of 50!

Are you listening OP?

OneLoyalGreyFish · 02/01/2025 02:46

@Stargreystar
Get your card OFF his fucking phone, NOW!
So many people have told you to do this but you’re not addressing it!

Original poster
Stargreystar · 02/01/2025 02:49

Ohisthismynewname · 02/01/2025 02:45

Are you listening OP?

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Yes I have taken advice on board from all. Given he’s been asleep for hours I have no updates to share.

However I will let you know how I get on. My card will not be used again.

OP posts:
Aquestionneeded · 02/01/2025 02:56

pinkcandle333 · 02/01/2025 02:02

That does sound like he is taking your income and the effort earned to gain it for granted. It's troubling behaviour. Some advice:

  1. Say yes to the prenup, but offer one in which YOU benefit from any split (e.g. he agrees not to go after any future earnings, he agrees any property you bought before marriage is YOURS, and that in the event of a split he is expected to buy you out of the family home with HIS own money). We all know pre-nups don't actually hold much weight, but I think you may get your answer from his response, which might just confirm to you what he's interested in. Point out it's only fair that he doesn't ride your back financially in the event of a split, you're concerned etc. See if he's so keen to sign it then?

  2. When you go back to work, come home one evening and randomly mention some shocking news you've "just found out" that suggests you may be being made redundant. A caring DP will be genuinely bothered for you. If he seems more bothered about his lunch than your feelings of understandable worry, that won't be a good sign. Tell him that until you know more in a month or so, you'd appreciate him reigning it in and not putting so much on ApplePay etc. Something tells me he won't stop spending anyway, which will tell you all you need to know e.g. this person will screw you into the ground financially.

After these two "tests", sit and take a long hard look at if this is right.

Or....don't do either of these "tests". And decide what you want from your life. You do not have children yet to be considered if you split. It is only how it looks to outsiders and they do not matter.

Think about whether this man makes you smile, how you would feel if he wasn't there. If it's a numb one, you know your answer.

Life is far too short to "test" our relationships especially when you should be at the fun stage.

ConsuelaHammock · 02/01/2025 02:57

Marry him or don’t . He’s not doing anything that thousands of women aren’t doing everyday- get a rich husband to fund their lifestyle while they stay at home with the children.
If this isn’t the life you want then it’s time to decide what you do want? As a former colleague of mine once said’ Shit or get off the pot!’

Oceangrey · 02/01/2025 03:02

I've only read your posts not the whole thread, but just to say that even putting the financial stuff to one side, I couldn't be with someone who made that comment about trauma girls or who regularly gave me the silent treatment. My husband would never do either of those things. And I speak as someone who earns about three times what my husband does. I really don't want you to marry him!

SpiritOfEcstasy · 02/01/2025 03:10

You really should read this book! He is abusive. Financially and emotionally. It won’t get better. You can’t communicate with him or have a relaxed relationship for fear of ‘silent treatment’. Don’t marry him. Don’t have children with him. A dear friend always said to me ‘better an empty house than a shit lodger’. You have the worst type of lodger …
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Gets-into-Her-Head/dp/1855942208?dplnkId=788f2d86-6a82-42fb-8c7b-6a201e4d9226&nodl=1

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/01/2025 03:14

Fast forward in your mind a few years to him being a SAHD, you come home to grubby feral kids, mess everywhere, a convenience food meal, you've found over time you've lost interest in sex with him, he still runs up debts and a split is on the cards. Your prenup counts for diddly squat, you're going to be giving him half your house, pension and any other assets and he'll probably want the kids more than 50/50 as they'll be his meal ticket. Sorry OP but the SAHP thing only works when you provide value to the wellbeing of the family. There are some excellent SAHDs but there's nothing you've written about your DP that tells me he's going to be one of their rare breed. Keep him as a FWB if you must but do not have a family with this tosspot.

Ger1atricMillennial · 02/01/2025 03:16

Its not that he is using the money, its that you have told him its bothering you, and he doesn't care.

You are just not compatible, its not working and at this particular junction you would be better alone.

Best of Luck!

lolit · 02/01/2025 03:25

Stargreystar · 02/01/2025 01:41

10/10 - never been left without a happy ending there. But obviously not all about that.

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This reminds me of someone I was seeing who was 100/10 in bed, I'm not even joking. Unreal. But when I came to visit him (we lived in different cities), we went to the shop and I got cereal for breakfast and he literally seperated the cereal from his stuff at the till, so he doesn't have to pay for it god forbid. The ick I got in that moment could not be fixed with his bedroom skill...

MadmansLibrary · 02/01/2025 03:29

"However I will let you know how I get on. My card will not be used again."

Hopefully this means you're dumping his sorry arse? I just cannot fathom why you wouldn't.

Geppili · 02/01/2025 03:40

He is a lazy cocklodger on the make.

Dumbledoresniece · 02/01/2025 03:43

not buying this

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 02/01/2025 03:46

Take it from someone who didn’t listen or notice the warning bells/ red flags and had a baby with a freeloader …. Contempt only increases as I’m the money machine, ceo, organiser and primary caregiver while he lives on easy street thanks to me - as much as I love my child and wouldn’t change her for the world I wish I had done it on my own and got a nanny / au pair in for help

Now I’m stuck and unhappy as I don’t want to do 50/50 custody yet …..

Remove his access to your card today and see his response- if not acting as a partner - equal partner- ask him to leave

Yalta · 02/01/2025 03:46

Stargreystar · 02/01/2025 00:32

The set up is fine, it’s just I feel a bit used when I try to save a lot for future children and he’s quite happy to splash the cash as long as it’s not on his card.

He wants children, and wants to be a stay at home dad as that’s his dream and will save on childcare.

Run away now

Children need childcare for a short time. However I can foresee that he has no intention of returning to work. Instead he will divorce you and as primary carer he could end up staying in the house with dc and you will be the one to move out into a small flat where you will spend your life working and paying the mortgage on a house you don’t live in and funding his spending habits whilst seeing your dc every other weekend

And he will teach your dc to see you as their personal atm.

ParsonBrown · 02/01/2025 03:49

Why does he have access to your card / Apple Pay??

Stop this immediately.

Natsku · 02/01/2025 03:50

The 'trauma girls' comment is enough for me to say dump him now, he is not a good man if he uses your trauma against you.

Aquestionneeded · 02/01/2025 03:52

ParsonBrown · 02/01/2025 03:49

Why does he have access to your card / Apple Pay??

Stop this immediately.

I would agree with this regardless.

anothermnuser123 · 02/01/2025 03:54

TimeForATerf · 02/01/2025 02:01

Oh come on! So much wrong with this thread starting with a tradie that only earns 30k. No surprise it’s a midnight thread.

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Isn't it amazing these threads always appear so late at night!

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2025 04:09

anothermnuser123 · 02/01/2025 03:54

Isn't it amazing these threads always appear so late at night!

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Op has explained he’s employed rather than self employed, which means he’s drawing a salary, having his NI and tax removed at source and has a company pension with all of the protection of being an employee.

mathanxiety · 02/01/2025 04:10

Stargreystar · 02/01/2025 00:28

We live together, I pay the mortgage and bills as I had the house before he came along.

So - you're not married, you don't have children, it's your house?

Time to reassess the future if you think he's taking the piss.

There is no reason for you to put up with this if it's not something you want.

Ladyj84 · 02/01/2025 04:10

I'm sorry but your paying for house etc etc and you don't find that weird plus want a to be the home dad so also no work for family. Shouldn't matter if you had house first everything should be shared equally and nothing you said shows any contribution of significance 🤔 I'm glad my hubby is not like this