DP only wants to eat luxury food but doesn’t bring a luxury wage?

[Stargreystar]

I earn well, 6 figures and my DP is a tradie earning circa 30k a year.

He seems to think just because I earn well he should only eat luxury food from m&s. We are not married yet but he discussed getting a ‘pre-op‘ which I can only assume means a prenup. However he has no assets or money so it’s merely to give him what I’ve earned.

He appears to be a A1 cocklodger.
Thank goodness some of the advice has reached you to boot him, Silent treatment, eye roll, shuts down conversation if he's not interested, I eye rolled at the pre nup, wtaf? So many more negatives wants to be a sadh dad, yeah, the novelty would soon wear off when he realised how hard is looking after kids , even just one all day. As someone up thread he'd then moan about being so tired and how you need a nanny. It goes on and on.

i know he may give you no trouble usually, but asking him to leave may be different.

make sure you have your support network aware of what is going on, it may be best to have all locks change while he is at work and leave his stuff packed either on the front of the house, or at his mothers. These types of men rarely go without a fight- expect him to say stuff to trigger you. Ie, about your trauma, etc.

what is important now is that you don’t return to the mental health stage he “helped you” with, use your support, make sure work is aware incase there is an impact on your work load, and of course, this thread, I’m sure there are many others who have lived this, and would be willing to lend an ear.

so proud of you

Well done on taking assertive action OP!
I'm still in two minds whether this post is not a role reversed one, but I hope you get rid of your useless partner. I think if you said you are a man, and it's a female that's behaving as a "fannylodger" you'd get some different replies.
The debt repayments large enough to take a good chunk of 2k+ salary is a massive red flag in itself, regardless of gender.
DH was married before me to a woman that had debt, treat DH as an ATM, and their DH now treats DH as an ATM

Silent treatment is the worst thing for me I could never stay with anyone who used this tactic.

You're a sugar mummy!

I don't think you like each other much at all. You can't even have a discussion together. All the other stuff is crumbs of discontent.

If this is a reverse, its the same answer.

You can put your house and savings into a trust for the children and get a will in place.

Contempt is a different matter. It sounds as if you both suffer from it, in different ways.

I'd give him a pre-op alright. Op, I think you already know the answers to the questions you're asking.

Just be prepared OP that when you take his mealticket away, he will kick into a higher gear potentually to save it. There might be all sorts of crying, lovebombing or manipulation and you MUST ignore it all because as soon as he feels comfortable again whatever he promises will fade away and he'll be back at m&s on your dime befire you know it!

Have now caught up on the thread. Read your update and other PP.

Glad to hear your update, OP.

"Trauma girls." Asshole.

@MadmansLibrary wow, twist any harder and you'll snap.

Change all the passwords to your mortgage/ bank, assets & household accounts.

Set up multifactor authorisation to your phone using biometrics rather than a pin.

Start the new year afresh and dump the financial abuser.

Get rid of him. He will fleece you for everything you have. He is not a man, he is a sponge. You need an equal, not a blood sucker.

Your main issue is his lack of respect for you. Calling you tight for not wanting him to splash your cash on crappy ready meals from m&s is really taking the piss. I suspect he is on some Reddit thread about how to go for rich 'trauma girls' (where else could that phrase come from?) because they will stay with you even when you absolutely fleece them. If you had a good respectful relationship you could work through the financial disparity but you don't so you can't. Strong boundaries are needed immediately with a view to getting him out of your house in the short/medium term.

Anyone who brings up your past trauma in an argument us a dick.

If he is going that to you what will he say to your future kids? He may be great with small people but what about when they are teens and have minds of their own?

I think you’re doing the right thing here OP, in putting at the very least, financial distance between the two of you.

In terms of further distance, just focus on whether he genuinely makes you happy. It is sounding like that’s a no and if so, you need to be free to find someone else who can and will do that.

Good luck and stay strong, you’ve got this!

Well done for removing him

I hate it in marital arguments where one partner runs home to their parents when things aren’t going their way (abusive situations excepted ofc). It’s so immature.

This is a really good point.

OP you've said in your posts that your partner is emotionally manipulative and will probably do all he can to keep leaching off you. Basically a scammer using your trauma bond to his advantage. Remember everything you've written here - none of it will change even if he begs and pleads and promises it will. YOU CAN DO BETTER. Good luck

Oh wow! He's a nasty piece of work and a cheeky fucking bludger! Tell him to use his own card, as you pay for more than enough. Don't physically allow him to have your card! Better still, toss him out. You realise he is a freeloading bludging cocklodger, right? That he is USING YOU, right? He doesn't love you. He sees you as an 'easy rich life'. He wants the proverbial champagne lifestyle on a beer budget. Except its your budget, not his. His cock is either gold-plated or he is better than any male porn star for you to stay with this loser. Even then, you need some self respect. There is the old joke; why do men exist? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. You're better off without this cocklodging cheeky loser.

We earn far more than you and shop mainly at Aldi.

I don’t really understand where the link to M&S comes in, although the dine in offers are normally pretty decent and cheaper than a takeaway as a treat.

Prenups aren’t legally binding in the U.K. and would be impacted by birth of children anyway. If he did indeed become a SAHD and you then separated, you’d find yourself paying very heavily.

@Stargreystar ask him what he would like to see in this "pre op"?? remove access to your apple pay immediately, he should never have had access to this in the first place. he is not partner material for you or anyone else really. he just wants to be a kept man!

Agree with this. OP is going to face a lot of manipulation. Possibly up to and including the crying, threats of self harm, etc etc

The description of his behaviour was bad enough on its own before you even consider the sponging. He shows total contempt, uses previous trauma against her as a tactic to shut her down, and stonewalls any real discussion.

That's not somebody you can have a functioning relationship with.

Just remember OP, these emotionally stunted individuals have a script that they follow. Expect an escalation in manipulation, attempting to make you fall back into line.

Equal rights are 50/50 not roles reversed.
I have no idea what you can find attractive about this man, his ambition in life is to be a stay at home Dad? Would it not even be a consideration that you might want to work less hours after having children and for him to step up.

LTB

The meals is a bit of a red herring. More concerning is silent treatment, not taking your views about spending your own money into account, not financially contributing at all, different attitudes to money, mocking your past mental health issues, no willingness to listen to anyone else's point of view, and an inability to have a constructive disagreement. The only two good things are being good in bed and tidy...which is not enough to balance out the other behaviours, some of which are abusive.

But yes, spending money on your card, on something just for him, when he knows you don't want to, then calling you tight when he is tighter, is really shit.