Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

I’ve posted a similar sentiment before. Generally, people who have lovely, supportive family and in-laws tend to assume the best intentions of others. Those of us with toxic or dysfunctional families and/or in-laws have an easier time understanding that someone might not have good intentions. OP knows her MIL and is the best judge of her intentions. OP and her family of origin are grieving. Their comfort should be paramount. If OP is uncomfortable having MIL there, then MIL shouldn’t come.

I can understand why some people have a hard time believing MIL just wants to gawp rather than truly be supportive and show respect. I’ve been in the unfortunate position of having to deal with people who ruined both of my grandparents’ funerals for me because they were there to gawp and interfere. I was raised by my grandparents, so they were essentially my parents.

At my grandmother’s funeral, my step sibling’s other parent wanted to come to support their child. Instead, they spent the whole service and reception following me around and trying to snatch my sleeping newborn from the wrap I was wearing her in. They even prevented me from speaking when friends and family were asked to eulogize my grandmother. Afterwards, they couldn’t wait to gossip and slag off my family.

At my grandfather’s funeral, a bunch of my stepparent’s friends came. They were talking and laughing loudly during the service. They were taking pictures and videos on their phones. I specifically asked them not to photograph or video me. After the service, and after everyone had left, I tried to take a private moment to tell my grandfather a final goodbye. I had closed my eyes and was whispering to my grandfather when I started to feel like someone was watching me. They had followed me back in and were photographing and videoing me on their phones. I was livid and made them delete it. They spent the reception complaining about me being rude to them. They didn’t even know my grandfather and didn’t care about the grief of those who loved him.

@ivymom That's just horrific. Cannot believe people would behave so despicably. Bet had anyone done the same to them, they'd have had plenty to say about it.

No debate IMO - neither OP nor OP’s mother want(ed) the MIL at the funeral so their wishes should be respected.
I don’t understand the relevance of the MIL being Catholic and their practices around funerals, unless I missed something about the OP and her wider family being catholic. People do not get to impose their religious or cultural practices at someone else’s funerals

👏
Well said.

People do not get to impose their religious or cultural practices at someone else’s funerals

Perfectly put. It seems that 50% of posters responding on this thread need to reflect on that.

I'm sorry for your loss.

However I think it's deeply inappropriate to be using the term 'intimate' when referring to a funeral.
In any case, your MIL has every right to be there. Funerals are public services that don't operate on an invite only basis. Anyone can go.

Unfortunately funerals are NOT invitation only and there is no list. They're a public service and anyone can attend

I entirely disagree with you @VegTrug

Where is the respect for the bereaved?

Perfectly put. It seems that 50% of posters responding on this thread need to reflect on that.

Perhaps you should reflect on @saraclara's post above yours?

OPs DH and his mum are catholic, OP bought it up to explain that they would both attend funerals of people they hardly know, and she doesn’t agree with that because she (and her mum) would only attend funerals of people the have a connection with.

it explains why MIL has expressed an interest in going (perfectly reasonable imo) and why her DH has pushed for her being included against OPs wishes (not reasonable).

MIL hasn’t insisted on coming, she expressed an interest in attending and instead of being told it’s a close family only funeral, which is perfectly fine!, they’ve not said anything and OP is angry that she even wants to come to it.

MIL knows nothing because she hasn’t been told anything, op even said if they do tell her not to come she won’t come.. but they haven’t told her?

At no point have I said that the MIL has insisted on going to the funeral. Merely that OP is reasonable to want the funeral to be conducted in the manner her mum would have wanted and they do not need to accommodate anyone else’s religious or cultural practices.

OP has said:

'I’ve spoken to crematorium staff. They can arrange an attendee list for a private funeral.'

OP's MIL will not be on the list so she won't be allowed in if she tries to attend against OP's wishes.

they’ve not said anything and OP is angry that she even wants to come to it.
MIL knows nothing because she hasn’t been told anything, op even said if they do tell her not to come she won’t come.. but they haven’t told her

TBF to the OP, @sandyhappypeople she came on here asking for opinions.
Having received them she's stated that she's made her decision and the MIL will be informed.

I think her anger has been at the hypocrisy of her MIL, her dh and posters supporting the Catholic tradition of attending many funerals. Her MIL has demonstrated no respect for OP or her family to date, but posters were urging OP to respect the MIL's wishes to attend the funeral.

Do people normally get to pre approve who attends a funeral? Eg my parents to to funerals of neighbours, former colleagues, distant cousins etc and no one ASKS them to go and they don't ask to go - they just go to the funeral?

Words fail me.

Of course funerals can be intimate. There are specific options for small, intimate, private funerals.

Most people are happy with that.

OP is not. It's that simple. She doesn't want her MIL there.

But she's making out like it's weird for people to attend a funeral if not invited? It's normal, right?

It's pretty normal to publicise the date, time and venue of the funeral so that others can attend, but it's not obligatory. And since the demise of if the local newspaper with it's births, marriages and deaths columns, probably less common than it used to be.

A ridiculous number of people are still claiming that there's a right in law to attend a funeral and that it has to be public. That is NOT the case.

In some cultures and families, it’s normal: the funeral details are disseminated to the community, I assume in the local paper notices bit? In other cultures and families, it’s invitation-only: no notice in the paper, you wouldn’t know the funeral was taking place unless you were invited.

There’s no universal normal. The problem in this thread is that a lot of posters think that the MIL’s cultural norms should take precedence over the OP’s cultural norms, which is baffling a lot of us.

I'm sorry for the loss of your DM OP.
I fully agree with you asking MIL not to attend OP but this post made me laugh.

Your DC are not half Catholic. They were either baptised in Catholic church and are or weren't and therefore not.

What?! Why is intimate inappropriate?

My experience is that if the family are open to all attending they publicise or share the funeral arrangements. I take this as an "invitation" if you like.

If I reach out following a death and get an acknowledgement but no details of the service I take that to mean the family want to limit who attends.

In some cases, yes. We attended a private funeral a few years back. He was well known, and his death was widely reported in the media. Not us, obviously, but there were a lot of very well-known faces there. Attendance was strictly invitation only. Our names were supplied to the organisers, and we were emailed an invitation slip, which we had to show at the door in order to be admitted. General public, fans etc were kept outside the church gates. Certain media were allowed inside church grounds but not inside the church.

Has the funeral been held yet OP? If so did MIL stay away?

Back once to update.
Service is next week. Mil has been told by me, very politely. She then called DH to complain and he dealt with her. Then her daughter texted me to tell me how inconsiderate I was to upset her mum. I’ve ignored. Happy with my decision and whilst DH doesn’t quite get it, he’s heard me tell a couple of friends who only met mum once or twice if at all not to come, that seems to have helped him understand what it is that I need.

Glad to hear it, OP.

Your MIL and SIL’s reaction should tell you you made the right decision.

Hope all gies well next week and sorry for your loss once again