Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

Fine, youve won. I can't be bothered to research family law on a Saturday night for an online disagreement, and I can't quite believe you did.

There's no relationship whatsoever between a person and her mother in law, mother of her husband, grandmother of her children. I agree with you.

In our family we pretty much do issue invitations; or at least you let the people you want to come know the date, time, venue, what to expect, so same thing, really.

OP has explained she wants to grieve in the relative privacy of a small event, with the express guest list (for want of a better term) that her mother wanted.

The problem with anyone who wants to attending is it can go against the wishes of the deceased and the closest family. There are plenty of ways to show respect, one of which is respecting that you’re not invited to attend the funeral.

I'll just go tell my husband we aren't a family.

You married him. That is your link, and you created your family.

Again, your idea that a grandparent having a familial link to her grandchild is the same as that person having a link to their son's wife's mother, is entirely wrong.

I completely disagree with you.

Don't you think the wishes of the deceased and the bereaved are more important?

Gatecrashing a funeral where the deceased and the bereaved have expressly said they don't want you there is so disrespectful, selfish, thoughtless and self absorbed.

Funerals are very short services. Can she really not attend and can you not swallow any annoyance for that time?

The last funerals I went to were both Catholic requiem masses and they were 45 minutes long. Many funerals are shorter than that.

Personally I think people should be able to be civil for that length of time. Then you go your separate ways,

I think it depends what you've done. If the unwanted guest has been abusive, you're right.

Otherwise, see my previous comment.

The funeral of a loved one is usually an immensely important and personal service / ceremony for the closest bereaved. Not just something that's needs to be got through whilst "swallowing annoyance"!

My parents funerals were a vital part of my grieving process. Not religious at all. Entirely personal. I'm fortunate that there was nobody I would have objected to being there. But if there had been, and they had no direct or meaningful connection with my parents I would have happily excluded them.

Telling someone to swallow their annoyance is very crass . And totally lacking in empathy.

The deceased, i.e. OP's mum, left explicit instructions about who she wanted to attend her funeral. This list did not include OP's MIL, who her mother disliked with good reason.

Therefore, I think we can say that the deceased did actually leave an explicit instruction that she didn't want OP's MIL to attend.

You do that. It's probably a better use of your time than posting your ridiculous interpretations of the definition of families and the rights that they bestow.

A badly managed funeral can really mess up the grieving process for those closest to the deceased. There are few people, who if they turned up to my late DPs funeral might have ended up at best extremely embarrassed, at worst, thumped. As it was I had to suck up an awful lot that wasn't to my taste, and three years on, I'm not just still bereft (quietly, so as not to be a burden or needy) I am also a little bitter about some things. I really tried to be gracious and "it's not all about me" publicly, but by the Gods, it ain't easy.

It's a lonely, painful road and you can never please all of the people, all of the time. The closely bereaved shouldn't feel as if they're just the stage manager of their loved one's funeral for the benefit of others.

That's really sad @MistressoftheDarkSide
I can truly understand how it can have a long term impact.

Why are so many posters projecting and stating what their cultural expectations are?

It has nothing to do with them.

Funerals are for the living, for the bereaved. Attendees are there to support the bereaved and show their respect. If they can't do that they shouldn't be there.

There's no relationship whatsoever between a person and her mother in law, mother of her husband, grandmother of her children. I agree with you.’

😆😆 complete madness isn’t it

I'm this case there definitely isn't a relationship between the MIL and the deceased. OP has spelled that out. So why does MILs non existent right to make it about her pay her respects trump the deceased's clear instructions?

I think OP’s wishes about her mother’s funeral should be respected.

But I think the idea that your MIL / mother of your husband / grandmother to your children has no relationship to you and is not family is utter madness. Only in 2025 Britain on mumsnet 😆

@@saraclara

I just don't see the logic that a person who is next of kin to your children and husband is not your family.

It's the idea that the 2 mothers are part of the same family that's the issue!

Posters talking about "excluding a member of the family" when the deceased and the MIL had no relationship. There's obviously an overlap in family members like the overlap in a Venn diagram, but the 2 mothers sit in separate circles from each other.

The OP is linked by marriage. But the OP's mother is not.

Yes, you are right, if they don't have that relationship to pick up the phone to one another, then yes, Op does have enough on her plate atm and her DH steps in to explain.

But it is important he really does try to explain that it is not specific exclusion or done out of spite as a misunderstanding would be hurtful to someone who hasn't previously grasped the concept of a small and intimate funeral (which I entirely support Op in, as that would be my own preference). It is annoying to have to give it headspace and yes, I do believe the onus is on others to be understanding, but the split opinions on this thread show the reality that many others hold very strong convictions in line with the MIL.

But it is important he really does try to explain that it is not specific exclusion or done out of spite as a misunderstanding would be hurtful to someone who hasn't previously grasped the concept of a small and intimate funeral

Why did you ignore the part about the MIL ignoring her grandchildren @NamechangeRugby ? And the OP explaining about the MIL's behaviour in the past? She's been hurtful to OP and her dc. That has consequences. Seems odd to emphasise the need to not hurt MIL and suck up her hurtful behaviour?

Some posters can't be arsed to read all the OP's posts - a particular problem on this thread. I hope OP has stopped reading.

I think OP has repeatedly said they are not family? And other pp’s were agreeing?

No, she’s really not my family. I have never ever felt that. She doesn’t give my DC Christmas presents or show any interest in them

She simply said how she felt. By calling her "MIL" she is acknowledging the definition of her connection but says she does feel like she's family.
Seems fairly straightforward.

Fair enough

Doesn't feel like she's family