Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

Using a funeral to exclude one member of the family whom you don't like is, though. With the amount of support in the I'm really coming round to the idea that the English are, or perhaps have lately become a bunch of self centered bastards with no sense of community.

Are you also claiming that OP's mother was narcissistic then? Because these were HER wishes.

Seriously, this is mind boggling logic. Who is a funeral for if it's not mainly about the deceased and their immediate family?

My whole in laws family came to my father's funeral. To be honest it really helped as it had been a very traumatic time and they were so supportive and loving towards me. It meant a lot.

She’s not “using the funeral” as a weapon to beat MIL with. She’s just fulfilling her mother’s wishes for a very small, private gathering.

Honestly it’s fitting how often religion has come up in this thread given how many posts have made me exclaim “Jesus wept!” out loud.

Quote me where the mother said she specifically did not want the mother in law to come?

If she did do do that I would say, pretty awful thing to do to your family. ' As my dying wish, I want you to have a row with your husbands mother'

I think you should respect her wishes. My grandmother had a letter with her will and it said a number of things including ‘The Harrison’s are not to be invited to my funeral’ 😂😂 (names changed) It was all down to some petty feud over a lavender bush about 25 years ago but my parents respected it and they weren’t invited 🤷‍♀️

“they go to funerals of literally anyone they vaguely know in DH’s family. In mine, we don’t, it has to be close.” MIL is not OP’s Mum’s family, let alone close.

“I just don’t want the bloody woman at my mother’s funeral, nor did mum,” There you go, Mum didn’t want MIL there.

“Mum asked me not to tell any of her ex work colleagues until after the funeral. She wants her own children, siblings, nieces and nephews, grandchildren and a select group of dearly loved friends. That’s it.” Definitely no MIL.

“[MIL’s] non relationship with my mum. They have never shared a phone call, been to each others homes, had a coffee, not even a Christmas card, nothing. There is no relationship,” They’re not family so OP isn’t excluding family.

“My children are [MIL’s] family, (even though she doesn’t know when their birthdays are) but I’m not, nor was mum.” There you have it.

Absolutely no reason this should cause a row with OP’s husband, as this is OP’s family’s funeral – their culture, their choice. Not everyone is Catholic, shocker.

For future reference, you can choose to see all of OP’s posts and find information for yourself, it’s easy!

Whatever your culture, surely everyone can agree that the culture of the deceased takes precedence

You'd think so wouldn't you, @nationalsausagefund?
My own view's always been that the wishes of the immediate family come first, but even if that wasn't the case I'm genuinely wondering what those who attend everything regardless of the prior relationship get out of it

If they hardly even knew the deceased there's clearly little real point beyond an extra bum on a seat, so is it some kind of brownie points thing, or worry that they'll be talked about if they don't show, or something else?

Your husbands mother is a member of your family. In law she is a member of your family. In common practice she is a member of your family. The two mothers of a married couple are members of the same family.

So no, that doesn't say to me MIL didn't want her there. That says to me, MIL said to invite the family, but OP is not going to invite that member of the family.

That's fine. Dont invited a woman you hate! But don't pretend it's reasonable.

Surely it's more ragingly narcissistic to only be able to see issues from your own perspective and how this would be perceived in your own family?

As you are calling a grieving woman 'ragingly narcissistic' and as you are unable to see any raging narcissism in the OP's MIL's conduct, i.e. having no relationship with her grandchildren, her DIL and her DIL's mum (who picks up all the slack and childcare that OP's MIL doesn't do) and who still expects to be welcome at the funeral, I will take your santimonious essay with a pinch of salt.

Your husbands mother is a member of your family. In law she is a member of your family. In common practice she is a member of your family. The two mothers of a married couple are members of the same family.
Huge “citation needed” vibes here.

This is all opinion, not fact, not everyone’s norm, certainly not the OP’s norm, it’s not common practice for everyone. My mother and MIL never met; my parents’ parents never met. Not family except in your opinion.

Your arguments are pathetic.
Of course the OPs mother didn't make a deathbed declaration ffs. But I think it's reasonable to accept that OP knew her own mother's feelings.

You wrote With the amount of support in the I'm really coming round to the idea that the English are, or perhaps have lately become a bunch of self centered bastards with no sense of community

A thoroughly ridiculous and nasty generalisation that demonstrates nothing but your inability or stubborn refusal to look at the OP from any perspective than your own.

I'd say the MIL shows far worse qualities than "the English". Her sense of community doesn't even stretch as far as her own grandchildren.

But you think OP should shelve her own feelings whilst deep in grief, to accommodate this woman? Thankfully she isn't going to.

Despite what you claim your mother in law is part of your family.

This is weirdly unhinged behaviour and you’re obsessively focusing on this one thing to make an issue of as a way to avoid grief imo.

I cannot believe the number of people who are getting involved in this thread with a ridiculous argument. any other situation it’s a social situation you can exclude who you want.

The two mothers of a married couple are members of the same family
They are not @Ariadneefron

Again, boundaries are a huge thing on Mumsnet, and everyone seems to be in favour of them. But the deceased's boundaries and those of her daughter? They can be trampled all over.

Your reading comprehension is possibly worse than your total lack of empathy, but it's a close run thing.

I can't believe that you are just making up a scenario where OP's mum actually wants OP's MIL to attend her funeral and OP is just being mean.

Please read @nationalsausagefund post above where she clearly lists all examples of OP's mum not wanting OP's MIL at the funeral.

Also, I'm not sure what your witterings about OP's mum and OP's MIL being members of the same family in law, as though there is some legal obligation for them to be invited to each other's funerals are supposed to prove.

MIL doesn't seem to think so. She's not even interested in her grandchildren, her actual blood family. She doesn't know their birthdays and has never given them a card or a present.

Just for your education @Ariadneefron
In the UK no legal definition of ‘family’ exists from Oxford University Press

She just doesn't want her mil there. She's allied to have preferences. It's her mum's funeral. Private grief and togetherness with people the op loves. Not her mil. It's really not that big a deal.

You can't be invited to everything.

Allowed not allied

A family court will recognise the right of a grandparent to apply for a contact order. Therefore I would argue that law recognises the relationship between mother in law and OP's children in the way that a person unrelated is not recognised. The law recognises the relationship between the MIL and the husband, they are next of kin, and husband and wife, also next of kin, so although no direct relationship exists between MIL and DIL, they are nevertheless indirectly bound together within a single family unit by laws that determine, or are determined by, family connection.

She's not there to gawp, she wants to show respect to her son in law's mother and to show support to you, him and your children.

I forgot to say, I'm so sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself.

There's a long list of people who can apply for a contract order. So your point is irrelevant.

And based on the actions of the MIL and lack of relationship, care or involvement, I'd think it unlikely she'd be granted it anyway.