To be irritated by my boyfriend's daughter using my stuff?

[BrianWankum]

I don't live here and am here maybe once a month, probably less recently as I've been v busy. She is 17, doesn't live here either, stays once or twice a month. I haven't actually seen her for ages.

I keep a few bits here - last time I was here I couldn't find my hairbrush and my boyfriend went in her room and found it in a drawer. This time I couldn't find my hairbrush, hairdryer, heat protection spray or deodorant - they were all in her room and the deodorant was in a drawer.

I do also have shower stuff here that hasn't moved from where I last used it. I'm grumpy today anyway and finding this highly irritating, I don't really want to share with her, I'm not her mother! I bought an extra hairdryer at home because I got fed up with mine wandering off when my own daughters stay. Am I just being a miserable cow, given that it doesn't actually use up my hairdryer and deodorant is cheap?

If your partner is like my ex husband, he would not have a hairdryer, a brush or anything for our daughter. She asked him to buy her a hairdryer but he refused claiming she can bring mine. She said no that we only have one and she can't bring it since mom needs it as well. Maybe you should ask your partner to buy her toiletries, in case he is like my ex husband, if he comes from me or my daughter the answer will be no if he comes from you it will be certainly yes if you don't want her to borrow your stuff.

Sharing usually includes an 'is it OK if I etc' doesn't it?

Yanbu this would get on my nerves too. I don’t expect my daughter or step daughter to take my things without asking. They have their own. Incidentally it is only ever my step daughter who does do this.

In this case however, the op and the boyfriends daughter barely see each other, let alone have anything near a familial relationship. She’s 17 not 7 and taking the piss.

Definitely not up for sharing a hair brush.....and her putting things in her own draw totally out of order.

This really.
You have a reasonable right to expect that your stuff isn't used by others when you're not there.

Feel I have to stick up for him here as he is NOT like that! If anything, he spoils her a bit as her mum is not reliable financially.

He wasn’t well yesterday and was completely sound asleep when I wanted to use my stuff and couldn’t find it. I don’t want to have to go into her room - I guess that’s my main issue. She could have used my things to her heart’s content in his room - there’s a big mirror there for doing her hair, and she doesn’t need to be in her own room to squirt some deodorant. But although we get on fine when we see each other, even opening her bedroom door does not feel comfortable.

I was hardly trying to “lynch her as a thief”, and neither do I think it signifies that she has any mental health issues! Just a fairly normal egocentric teenager. I will talk to him and suggest she needs some supplies.

If you aren’t there that often, could you leave your things in a bag/basket and put them away somewhere.

I'd be raging. It's mine, not yours and you do not get to pilfer my stuff when I'm not around. You do not get to take it and hide it in your drawers, thinking that I'll never find it. Get your own.

She used the hairdryer. Was she thinking strongly in terms of it being YOUR hairdryer? Possibly not.

I've been with my partner for 5 years and have had this very problem. I don't keep my stuff there, it's stops resentment building. They don't think about what they are doing and I don't think it's worth the aggravation honestly.

Let her keep those things and buy yourself replacements. Don't hold a grudge over such small things.

Funny how when it comes to the stepkid using OPs stuff shes family
Usually an OP in this situation is told she is just the girlfreind who the single dad sleeps with MN hypocrisy again

Yeah I see your point. You”re right technically jot family but living in the same house of those toe roofs of time. I think we were talking about our own situations and how we would feel in our own families. I don’t see the OP as “just” the girlfriend the single dad sleeps with so no hypocrisy from me.

Sorry OP but I don't think the items are the important issue, it seems to me that she is perhaps resentful of you and/or trying to wind you up, how do you get on with her?

@pineapplesundae
Let her keep those things and buy yourself replacements. Don't hold a grudge over such small things.
seriously? just let her help herself? great teaching moment!!

Hmm yes, this is what I was wondering. The hairdryer has been there for about 20 months and this is the first time I've known her to use it. Thought we got on ok, there have been a couple of times where she's seemed a bit put out, but I've always tried to make it clear that I know she comes first with him. She sees him whenever she wants, last time I even saw her was 3 months ago and that was fine.

Anyway, he spoke to her about it yesterday as it turns out he bought her a new hairdryer not that long ago (has clearly ended up at her mum's). She is insistent that it's not a big deal and - I find this quite amusing as she's kind of backed herself into a corner - that it's absolutely fine for me to be in her room! So we'll see.

@pineapplesundae

lol, tell me you’ve got loads of money without telling me you have loads of money…

what if OP has a GHD or a dyson hairdryers for example? Is she just supposed to gift this and fork out another £100 or so to replace?!

My kids are 10 and 11 both girls and absolutely drives me crazy when I am looking for something of mine and can't find it because they have used it. And it's not like the toiletries ect that they need aren't provided for them. The amount of brushes in this house as 3 females and can never find one when I need one 🤣.
I would check with your partner that she has these things at his, and if she doesn't either your partner or you (if you want to be nice) get her those things to keep at his