To be irritated by my boyfriend's daughter using my stuff?

[BrianWankum]

I don't live here and am here maybe once a month, probably less recently as I've been v busy. She is 17, doesn't live here either, stays once or twice a month. I haven't actually seen her for ages.

I keep a few bits here - last time I was here I couldn't find my hairbrush and my boyfriend went in her room and found it in a drawer. This time I couldn't find my hairbrush, hairdryer, heat protection spray or deodorant - they were all in her room and the deodorant was in a drawer.

I do also have shower stuff here that hasn't moved from where I last used it. I'm grumpy today anyway and finding this highly irritating, I don't really want to share with her, I'm not her mother! I bought an extra hairdryer at home because I got fed up with mine wandering off when my own daughters stay. Am I just being a miserable cow, given that it doesn't actually use up my hairdryer and deodorant is cheap?

@BrianWankum my daughter always used my stuff. it is fine!

I agree it’s irritating, but at her age you see these things as household items, like the kettle or milk.

That’s such a good point. I remember when I left home being astonished that I had to buy toothpaste!

Let it go. She’s 17.

Take your stuff home.

100%!

In your shoes i'd put hairdryer, deodorant etc in a bag and keep in the wardrobe/bedroom drawer. The rule of thumb here is if something is left in the bathroom it's fine for all to use - only exception being shower/bath gel that's been bought as a gift, my will DDs usually put their initials on the bottle and everyone else then leaves it alone. Rummaging through someone's cupboards or drawers to find and 'borrow' their items is a no-no. Everyone should have their personal things respected.

Fwiw my DDs only spend 2 nights a month at their Dad's and they take whatever they need with them when they go to stay. I don't think he even buys toothbrushes for them any more, though he did when they were younger. I think it's a bit rubbish of him tbh, but my DDs don't mind so i keep out on it. But it might help if you DP ensures his DD does have everything she needs there.

Keep your things in a small lockable cabin bag.

I can hear my DD rooting through my things right now. That's probably a Clarins eye cream m or a decent mascara I will never see again! If she just used it and didn't take the whole thing I wouldn't care. It's annoying when things disappear, but I won't say anything. DD will probably claim I'm happy to share all my things with her.
There is a difference between using something and taking the whole product to use, so the person who it belongs to can't find it, which is what the OP is dealing with.

Exactly would never have occurred to me that any hairbrush, deodorant or hairdryer were ‘belongings’ at that age. My daughter and stepdaughter similarly use that stuff freely in our house, even though they have their own if they can’t find it they use mine. I don’t care. I also don’t get hairbrushes being ‘unhygienic’? Do people not have their hair brushed at the hairdressers? Do you think each brush is sterilised between uses?? This is one person using it once.

YANBU.

My DD used to borrow my things..
Difference is she'd ask first and returned them back to where she got them from once finished.

It is annoying to not know where your stuff is and to find out that it has been used without permission.

You have some choices:

1. Suck it up (but I am guessing that if this were the case, you wouldn't have posted here)
2. Talk to her and tell her she must ask you or her Dad first or put it back where she found it. Teens often think everything in the house is theirs!
3. Hide or lock your stuff away.

One person helping themselves to another's stuff isn't sharing.

If they're household items though why wouldn't you put them back for others to use?

If for example they were in Op's room then they're not household items.

Deodorant is definitely personal.
Hair brushes/combs at the hairdresser/barber are, or should be, placed in clearing solutions between uses. My own hair brush is just that, my own.
If you borrow my hair dryer then return it.

YANBU to be annoyed. But you know your own DDs do this, so expecting better behaviour from someone else’s DD seems unlikely to get you anywhere. Many teens act fairly entitled with things in their parents’ houses.

You’re there less than once a month so leaving things lying around isn’t the best “guest” behaviour either. As PP says, the point is to have them there when you need them so get a small bag/suitcase to keep them in, locked if necessary.

I would throw everything in my lockable hand luggage case.

Thinking long term though, is this an early warning as your boyfriend shouldn't allow his daughter to plunder your stuff....

I’d do this, too.

I wouldn’t like to share a hairbrush or deodorant, I only use roll ons.

Honestly who are the parents here and what are the priorities?!
Newsflash: your BF is a sad cheapskate and a bad dad. (and you sound like a sad cheapskate and a bad mum!!)

Everybody has a budget but how does one treat the most important people? Surely not with pound store deo and shampoo?
I feel terrible for both your DCs who have to scrounge the girlfriend's supplies and aren't worthy of a hairdryer!

At your house, you should buy what your DCs need (nice stuff too, not just basics range from the £ store!) and leave it for them to use whenever they are with you. If nothing else, it lets them know they are welcome and loved rather than an inconvenience. And then you can keep your 'special' things in his/your room.

Likewise your DP should buy everything his DD needs for her to keep in her room just for her ... because he loves her and wants to see her and she's welcome to stay with him any time, right ...?

A box of supplies from the pound shop and a shitty little hairdryer is a mean insult, especially from you - just making her feel she isn't worthy of the best - and letting her know that she's not worthy of the nice things you have.

Background: my parents split up when I was 10. We went to my dad's every other weekend with a packed bag. My dad had lady friends to stay at his house on the weekends. None of them ever used my stuff and I never used theirs.
BUT, my DSis and I brought EVERYTHING every time we came to stay with him. We didn't have 'resident' toothbrushes, shampoo, etc. We brought a hairdryer every other freaking weekend because my dad never realised he could buy us one and we never dared to ask!

Why the actual should op give her boyfriend a list of what his own child needs? Fgs tell him to buy her what she needs yes but a list? No.

These things are so inexpensive I would buy a shed load full and keep them out for her. I am surprised OP that you take this mean attitude when you have your own kids. In our house anyone can use anything unless specifically asked not to. My stuff is always disappearing but I just think we are a family life is too short.
Would you want your own kids to be thought of like this?

I share a hairbrush with DH but wouldn't want to share it with anyone else. I wouldn't share my deodorant with anyone though as it's a cream. It might be different if it was a spray but even so if she doesn't put it back I wouldn't be happy.

I think I'd just have a wash bag with essentials that I took there and then took home again to prevent her using my things.

Why you leave your stuff behind for once a month stay? Take it with you.

Ummm yeah in a family it is.

It depends on your budget whether you'd view these things as inexpensive. Also, not sure how it's OPs responsibility.

Ummmm, no it isn't.