To be irritated by my boyfriend's daughter using my stuff?

[BrianWankum]

I don't live here and am here maybe once a month, probably less recently as I've been v busy. She is 17, doesn't live here either, stays once or twice a month. I haven't actually seen her for ages.

I keep a few bits here - last time I was here I couldn't find my hairbrush and my boyfriend went in her room and found it in a drawer. This time I couldn't find my hairbrush, hairdryer, heat protection spray or deodorant - they were all in her room and the deodorant was in a drawer.

I do also have shower stuff here that hasn't moved from where I last used it. I'm grumpy today anyway and finding this highly irritating, I don't really want to share with her, I'm not her mother! I bought an extra hairdryer at home because I got fed up with mine wandering off when my own daughters stay. Am I just being a miserable cow, given that it doesn't actually use up my hairdryer and deodorant is cheap?

sharing is not the same as taking away

Keep it all in box/drawer in your bf’s room. Teenagers can be lazy and inconsiderate - it’s in the bathroom in front her she’ll use it clearly.

Easy. Take all your stuff home with you.

I would call it laziness. My DD takes my things and leaves them in her room. Drives me mad but I don't see it as theft.

Such a lovely, thoughtful reply.

Don't keep your belongings in her daddy's home.

‘Daddy’ she’s 17 fgs

She's not noseying about, she's a child, and she comes to stay with Dad. It's her 'other home'. It's OP who doesn't live there,but leaves stuff there, despite rarely being there.

Can you take her shopping for some bits and a nice bag to keep it all in ? Would be a nice thing to do no?
her dad should pay as he’s been a bit slack in making sure she has what she needs

She's 17, she should know to respect others possessions and privacy.

Not really sure this is OPs responsibility tbh.

But that's not what sharing is?? Thats using someones things without permission. She doesn't sound anyway tight ffs

Are you sure it's her? When I moved back home for a bit after uni my dad would helpfully tidy up and my stuff and my mum's was just allocated to one of us at random

I have two step-daughters. I also, when they were teens, had the nicest hairdryer between us. After 3 weekends of 'please can I borrow your hairdryer', it moved into the upstairs hallway outside the bathroom and still lives there even though both have their own homes now.
I'd be using this as an opportunity to bond over girly things. Is she using your things because she looks up to you and wants to be like you? I'd have a girly shopping trip to get consumables, and see if she would like her own version of your hairdryer etc etc for in her room, if you really don't want to share it.

I would also find this very annoying, most of all not being able to find my things when I need them.
that said- it sounds like she is borrowing your stuff as she doesent have these items at her dads. I would mention it to your partner and ask him to buy her these items to keep at his, so then there’s no need for her to keep borrowing yours.

Get a suitcase with a padlock and keep your stuff in there. Or even just a suitcase you put in a place that isn't obvious like under the bed.
17 yos can be very self absorbed. If she sees your stuff lying around and it's easy to just use she may use it.
The hairdryer isn't so bad but she could have at least put it back.
But using your styling stuff and deodorant is cheeky as it may mean you need to buy more. Also pretty grim to use someone's hairbrush and deodorant.
I wouldn't have a big showdown about it unless really necessary.
Just don't leave your items out from now on. Put them all in a shut bag somewhere that isn't obvious.
If she then keeps doing it she's going to great lengths to find your stuff so then you might actually need to have a talk with her about how rude that is

Helping yourself to someone else's things isn't the same as sharing or borrowing. I'd be incredibly annoyed too.

I think for me the issue would be that she had been rooting through my belongings to know what I had...what if there was something highly personal there.

Also, her Father should make sure she has her own things if she is staying but then again at 17 surely she would think to bring them with her?

You need to check that you boyfriend isn't offering them to her, as the blame may not lay with her. If he is offering them, then its him you should be mad with not her. If she is helping herself, its disrespectful to do so without asking or leaving a note to apologise but doubly so if she is not returning stuff to where she found it.

Get yourself a small overnight case with a lock and keep your stuff in there for safekeeping.

However this needs to be dealt with by Dad, not you.

I would ask your bf for the money to get her some duplicates for her room and make her up a wee hamper with it. Then she's no reason to touch yours and you're not out of pocket for it. Things like the hairdryer or deodorant I really wouldn't be annoyed over and tbh if she's 17 she should have access to those things in her own bedroom anyway. It's unlikely a 17 yo is earning enough to be responsible financially for all that so I think it's still on her dad to provide it. My guess is being a bloke he's not thought of it so she's getting caught short going between houses and isn't thinking enough to return yours to where she found it. Period stuff and body wash etc as well.

If you are not there all that often perhaps just keep your stuff in a locked suitcase and tuck it under the bed or put it in a cupboard when you leave. YANBU to get irritated by it, but she's 17 so it's sort of par for the course, as you know from your own daughters. It's easier to just find a simple solution than to waste energy stressing over it.

Yes, but she’s also 17 - is it really worth staying in a mood over it? Probably not and OP is aware otherwise she wouldn’t be asking. And she did mention being annoyed at her daughters taking her stuff when they stay, so this is likely just her personality trait.

I sympathise as I also hate when people
take my stuff (and when I did I always looked after it and put it back), but with teens it’s fairly common and hardly malicious, so not worth being that irritated over.

I still think the best solution is to pack it all away in a small bag and get a lock.

I don't really understand why if you are there less than once a month you feel the need to leave your stuff there. I feel there is something behind that. Perhaps this is her way of saying: "OK, you leave stuff? You want to be part of this? You can share.". I am wondering whether there is some competition between you? Is she feeling resentful of you in her space or of your stuff being in their space? Are you purposely leaving stuff so that it is clear he has a partner or something? Why is it not put away and just left about when you don't live there? Bit more info would be useful.

Hairbrush? Oh stop being contrary. That's ridiculous.

I couldn't lose sleep over this. Buy a basket and keep it in there? Or say more than happy for you to use hairdryer, please can you try to put it back so I don't need to nosey in your bedroom. My (the) airwrap always ends up in the room of the last person to use it. I make sure there's plenty of toiletries in the bathroom the adult kids and their friends use when they are around - nice quality stuff.

For consumables, put your things in a bathroom bag, named.
Ask your boy friend to put similar in another bathroom bag, named, for his daughter.
Be happy to share the hair dryer if it remains where you left it. If it moves, ask your boyfriend to buy another and plonk it in the place where his daughter likes to use a hairdryer.