To be irritated by my boyfriend's daughter using my stuff?

[BrianWankum]

I don't live here and am here maybe once a month, probably less recently as I've been v busy. She is 17, doesn't live here either, stays once or twice a month. I haven't actually seen her for ages.

I keep a few bits here - last time I was here I couldn't find my hairbrush and my boyfriend went in her room and found it in a drawer. This time I couldn't find my hairbrush, hairdryer, heat protection spray or deodorant - they were all in her room and the deodorant was in a drawer.

I do also have shower stuff here that hasn't moved from where I last used it. I'm grumpy today anyway and finding this highly irritating, I don't really want to share with her, I'm not her mother! I bought an extra hairdryer at home because I got fed up with mine wandering off when my own daughters stay. Am I just being a miserable cow, given that it doesn't actually use up my hairdryer and deodorant is cheap?

Agreed, except I would have her Dad pay and would get her a few nicer bits than poundland, she's 17, probably not a lot of money and as her Dad he should be making sure she has a hairdryer etc in his home,
I dont think its malicious of her, 17 year olds are just self centred at that age

@SpringIscomingalso

”daddy”?!

did you miss how old the daughter is?

@DontshootmyRaptors

stuff costs money. Must of us don’t have an infinite amount of money to continually be replacing stuff.

Some horrible responses here…this is the girls home, however often she stays. Presumably before OP was on the scene she didn’t have stuff there ? Yes there’s the lack of respect side of things but perhaps this is the kid’s way of marking her territory. 17 is a tender age. I’d buy a set of similar stuff and a Boots voucher for her and try to befriend her.

It's very easy to ensure she has a hairbrush, hairdryer, hair styling bits and deodorant so I'd make sure she has all she needs tbh. Maybe ask her dad to provide it all

It's nice to be nice

This

This except dad needs to pay not op

Put your stuff in a “grab-bag” Just big enough to hold the things she keeps using. Keep it by the bed & take with you & leave in your car when you leave. Then it’s there & ready to take out when you stay again.

buy a lockable cosmetics case?

My daddy’s daddy and I’m 54.

My goodness, wasn't expecting so many replies! And was really expecting to be told I was BU, nice to have so many people understanding the irritation.

Just to answer a few points -
I used to be there more often, maybe every other weekend, but like I said, have had other pressures lately. Just got tedious taking a hairdryer plus bits and bobs back and forth. Relationship of over two years.
I happily share (two way process!) all sorts with my own daughters (and son, and his girlfriend). And happy for them to use my hairdryer in my room - and I probably wouldn't even have noticed if my boyfriend's daughter had used everything in his room, it's the having to go and find them that was annoying.
My things were on top of his wardrobe, so not lying around looking communal, and not trying to take over his house.
She had another deodorant in the drawer with mine, and I saw 3 other hairbrushes around the house. She used to have one of those hairdrying brushes at his - maybe she took it back to her mum's.
And yes, my first thought was that I should have bought her a hairdryer for Christmas!

No, YANBU.

But I’d say if anyone it’s your partner who should have bought her a hairdryer for Christmas.

Ask him to buy the items she is borrowing from you and ask her leave it all at his house so they’re there permanently, and she doesn’t feel the need to go rooting around in your house.

If it continues after that something else is going on.

It being on top of the wardrobe, presumably a bit out of sight, made me wonder a bit. I would be annoyed if my kids searched on top of the wardrobe in my room, feels very intrusive and I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t take something left there without asking. I’m totally prepared to accept she’s just being poorly behaved. But - does she definitely know it’s yours/that she shouldn’t be using it? Or could your DP have given it to her when she’s asked if he has/has seen a hairdryer/brush/deodorant/etc.?

I hunk its normal for kids to borrow stuff and not put it back. Shes probably feels it's fine to use the things which are in her dad's home and hasn't given any thought to who those things really belong to.

I think you're being a bit mean - no you aren't her mum but you are her dad's gf, not some random stranger. And it's generic stuff she's using - it's not like she borrowed deeply personal and sentimental items without asking! Girls use each other's hairbrushes etc all the time, even if it isn't strictly the best idea.

I think that if this is pissing you off, then don't leave your stuff there.

Full sympathy from me OP, I have exactly the same issue with my partners dd. She’s an adult who should be responsible for buying her own toiletries but is very disorganised and helps herself anybody else’s if she runs out of her own stuff (she’ll use her dad’s man smell shower gel and leave the bottle empty and seems to be unable to buy toilet paper). So I don’t leave anything there even though we’ve been together for years. He has a drawer with a change of clothes, razors, deodorant, phone charger etc at mine (which my ds manages to not use). I have to take an overnight bag with me if I stay there and I have emergency makeup and clean knickers in my handbag in case of spur of the moment plans. My adult dd uses my hairdryer and straighteners when she comes home but she asks and she puts them back.

I personally would buy these things for her as a gift. Her dad should really. However ,I'd see it as killing two birds. She'll leave your stuff alone and I feel this is a warm kind gesture she'd probably appreciate in her situation. It's bloody horrible having separate parents and their partners for the majority of kids.

I stole my mum's boyfriends jewellery item when I was a teenager staying at his house. I was resentful, I thought he was a twat, I was a self focused teenager.

I wouldn’t wanna share my hairbrush with anyone, I think that’s pretty gross tbh. YANBU OP

Yeah and money is so much more important than this girls mental health.
Shes obviously not right if she’s taking stuff and hiding it away, but no the first selfish, self righteous response is to feel put out and then look to others to confirm her selfish need to practically lynch the girl as a thief.
The OP should have in the first place done the mature thing and asked her boyfriend to talk to his daughter about the OP being in the daughters home (and it doesn’t matter how often the daughter stays there, it’s her father, her home) and asked him to make an effort to have them meet and the OP introduce herself to the girl and BE NICE a because she’s dating her dad instead of just invading her home and being so embarrassingly selfish and immature to boil it all down to her stuffs being taken boo hoo.
The girl is 17 that’s a child practically so everyone that’s bashing her should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves and have some fucking common decency to think about her well-being instead of oh the concern about the 5p fucking hairbrush and deodorant. FFS

The people saying buy her stuff are really ridiculous, she has these items but has chosen to root about and take OPs, OP tell your boyfriend to have a word with his light fingered daughter.

@DontshootmyRaptors

Chill out! OP says this young person already has these items! If she didn’t have a hairbrush, hair dryer etc at dads house then of course he would need to buy them for her, but OP says she does have them 🤷‍♀️
it’s not unreasonable for Op to not want anyone else bar herself to use her hairbrush, ffs

Put a lock on the suitcase too!

I suspect she is is still at school. In days gone by we could leave at 16. At 17 she may well not have access to her own money or does but them at her mums. Her father can buy basics such as these for his own daughter

Of course it's stealing!

Your BF should have apologised on her behalf and said he would make sure he gets her what she needs straight away. She shouldn't have done it but teenagers....🤷‍♀️