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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just fade out of her life

501 replies

Bathtimeblues2 · 01/01/2025 16:17

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

OP posts:
VodkaCola · 01/01/2025 16:19

I don't think this man is right for you.

sesquipedalian · 01/01/2025 16:21

If you take on a DP with a six year old DC, necessarily you are taking them on too, and everything that comes with it. You’re being a wicked stepmother before you’re even married. I feel sorry for the little girl - if you are to be a fixture in her father’s life, you need to get over yourself and put her first. She didn’t ask for this.

OMGitsnotgood · 01/01/2025 16:21

The choice is simple: DP and his daughter or end the relationship completely.

MorallyQuestionable · 01/01/2025 16:23

Why the hell did you get involved with him?
You need to break up with him.

Original poster
Bathtimeblues2 · 01/01/2025 16:23

sesquipedalian · 01/01/2025 16:21

If you take on a DP with a six year old DC, necessarily you are taking them on too, and everything that comes with it. You’re being a wicked stepmother before you’re even married. I feel sorry for the little girl - if you are to be a fixture in her father’s life, you need to get over yourself and put her first. She didn’t ask for this.

I wouldn’t say I’m being wicked. I was clear that I wanted time with my DD separately and he could have time for his DD. I’m not horrible to her in anyway. I think in some ways it would be better all round for DP to spend more 1:1 time with SD but he doesn’t see that.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 01/01/2025 16:23

You should have thought of this before you got involved with a man who had a young DD. What you’re suggesting is cruel and spiteful imo and you’re better off ending the relationship and letting him find someone who accepts him and his DD as a package.

MorallyQuestionable · 01/01/2025 16:24

She's been with him since the kid was 2. You didn't need 4 years to realise you can't be bothered. Leave them now.

Original poster
Bathtimeblues2 · 01/01/2025 16:24

MorallyQuestionable · 01/01/2025 16:23

Why the hell did you get involved with him?
You need to break up with him.

Because (I thought) we agreed that our girls would have us to themselves a bit more. I still do things alone with my DD as I think it’s important

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 01/01/2025 16:24

I understand where you are coming from. I have 14 year old twins and my friends 6 year old is v annoying. I left the small child stage and I can't deal. The relationship is not going to work

Gettingbysomehow · 01/01/2025 16:25

If someone has a child and is your partner then that child is part of the family 100%. If you can't cope with that then you need to be honest and frank and end things not just leave things dangling, it just isn't fair on anyone.
This is exactly why I don't go out with people with children because I'm not interested in other peoples children.

BrightYellowStar · 01/01/2025 16:25

It seems you have both gone into this relationship with wildly different expectations.

Moving forwards, you or he have to adjust those expectations or the relationship finishes.

As for his families conduct - I find that appalling. I have a blended family and both my child and step child are embraced and accepted by both my and my husband's families. They both get treated the same by both sides in terms of treats/gifts etc.

MidnightPatrol · 01/01/2025 16:25

I don’t really understand how you can be engaged (married?) and live with someone, and ‘fade out of the life’ of their six year old child that also presumably lives with you some of the time.

IMO it’s completely reasonable to decide this isn’t what you want (the reasons are fair enough), but it’s not fair to make a small child grow up in an environment where she’s made to feel an outsider.

You can probably create the situation you desire by remaining in separate households and dating. Not if you’re married and live together though.

cartagenagina · 01/01/2025 16:26

I’m torn on this as I wouldn’t be interested in playing happy families with someone else’s DC when I have my own.

However, in view of that fact, I wouldn’t have got involved with a man with a young child.

Clearly he wants a partner who is going to completely engage with being a blended family. You don’t want that. So you have to separate.

Original poster
Bathtimeblues2 · 01/01/2025 16:27

BrightYellowStar · 01/01/2025 16:25

It seems you have both gone into this relationship with wildly different expectations.

Moving forwards, you or he have to adjust those expectations or the relationship finishes.

As for his families conduct - I find that appalling. I have a blended family and both my child and step child are embraced and accepted by both my and my husband's families. They both get treated the same by both sides in terms of treats/gifts etc.

Edited

the family stuff is crap especially as my family fall over themselves to spoil SD (I think they like buying and doing things for little again) but they genuinely treat her the same as all the other grandkids. It’s another thing that grates the whole situation tbh but it’s not a factor day to day.

OP posts:
fairydustt · 01/01/2025 16:27

The answer is to not be with a man who has a 6 year old child, don’t you think?

OMGitsnotgood · 01/01/2025 16:27

Because (I thought) we agreed that our girls would have us to themselves a bit more. I still do things alone with my DD as I think it’s important

I think that is important too - but it's not what came across in your OP, that was more 'can't be doing with his daughter'

BusyPoster · 01/01/2025 16:28

Do you live together ?

fairydustt · 01/01/2025 16:29

Bathtimeblues2 · 01/01/2025 16:23

I wouldn’t say I’m being wicked. I was clear that I wanted time with my DD separately and he could have time for his DD. I’m not horrible to her in anyway. I think in some ways it would be better all round for DP to spend more 1:1 time with SD but he doesn’t see that.

Show quote history

you might aswell call DP, DF, because what you’re describing isn’t really a partnership?

OriginalUsername2 · 01/01/2025 16:29

I’m with you completely about not wanting all this. I think it would be healthier to break up though! It’s not fair on your DP when he clearly wants the family set-up. It’s not fair on the little girl to only back away from her but still be in her dad’s life.

BadgerInDungarees · 01/01/2025 16:30

I have a 15yo and a 17yo, there is no way I would date someone with a young child. I have been there, done that and have no interest in little children anymore. I can't see how the relationship can work if he wants you all to play happy families but you are done with that stage of your life.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 01/01/2025 16:30

He can't be arsed to do the work of parenting alone and wants a vagina owner to pick up the slack on his behalf, since that's obviously women's work. Is there any truth in that?

Delatron · 01/01/2025 16:30

So your family treat her like another grandchild and are kind to her but you can’t bring yourself to be after 4 years?

This is not the right relationship for you. You don’t get to ‘fade out’ a 6 year old. If they were a teenager then maybe.

My brother remarried and from day 1 his new wife treated his young daughter like her own. If you can’t then he’s not right for you.

I bet she’s picked up on this too. You’re being unfair on the both of them.

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 01/01/2025 16:31

You want to marry a man who feeds his young child pot noodles and bread sticks for dinner?

It's fine to not want to be around a kid, the key is to not date a man with a child.

Original poster
Bathtimeblues2 · 01/01/2025 16:31

OMGitsnotgood · 01/01/2025 16:27

Because (I thought) we agreed that our girls would have us to themselves a bit more. I still do things alone with my DD as I think it’s important

I think that is important too - but it's not what came across in your OP, that was more 'can't be doing with his daughter'

Absolutely! I totally get that he had a child and I was happy to deal/sacrifice all the bits about that as I too have a child. But I didn’t sign up to be a surrogate mother. I was very clear she called me by name even from the age of 2 etc bought my own presents for her birthday and Christmas etc and no lines were crossed in that sense. I get we do things together as a family but it’s more and more now and even things like ‘I think me and SD will come with you on your annual trip with DD’ what?! No?! That’s for us we have been doing that for like 10 years! But he acts like Iv been awful and selfish if I say anything.

OP posts:
WickedlyCharmed · 01/01/2025 16:32

he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD

Or was it more that he wanted a housekeeper/childminder?

Is he actively a good, involved dad?

Does he really want to spend “family time” all of you together, or is it more that he can’t he arsed parenting and wants you and your DD to entertain her?

Why does he indulge her in having such an awful diet?

He doesn’t sound that great to me, tbh.

YANBU.